Top Gear Cars for £100 #1 (Jim Eligino, Jamiebel Angkahan, Davina Angkahan-Valerio)
Prologue: A number of people complained to us and many other Top Gears that we feature too many fast and expensive cars on this show, so the producers gave the presenters £100, and told us to buy a road-legal car. Now obviously, this would be too long to demonstrate with all the renditions of Top Gear, so we'll break it into bits. The producers told us to meet up on Toddington Services on the M1, where we'd be given a number of challenges. Here's how it went:
I arrived first in "glorious" fashion, in two tons of Swedish magnificence. And its name was...
"It's a Volvo 760. It has the 2.8 litre V6 engine, and it's the GLE model!" I replied, with great confidence. "So, electric sunshine roof, leather, air-conditioning, and it's not in bad knick. No corrosion that I can see, no dents and scratches worth talking about. It's taxed and tested for another two months. And that's what Davina's bought!"
Davina was the next to arrive, in a more modern than mine (I'm ashamed to admit, but...)
"It's an Audi 80 1.8E," she explained.
"Did you pay less than £100?" I asked.
"I did."
"Taxed?"
"Yes."
"Tested?"
"7 months."
"You can't really believe that's £100, can you? I mean, I was ready to go, 'oh, no! Dee-jae's (Davina) bought a henhouse!' So where's Jay-bee (Jamiebel)?"
"Exactly; where is Jay-bee?"
Jamiebel, as you'd expect, was the last to arrive in...
"She's bought a Rover!" Davina and I laughed in hysterics, and almost falling over.
"Oh, God!"
"Old woman. You've done it wrong!"
"Read my back!" Jamiebel rebutted, smiling.
"GTi."
"Yes, I know, but...
"16 valves."
"But..."
"Granted, it does go down."
"Rover."
Indeed, Jamiebel has bought a Rover 416 GTi. I only have one question: what, in the whole of human history, possessed her to buy a Rover? Anyway, Davina and I laughed also at the prospect of the Rover's roof.
"...'cause I'm not sure if that leaks, so I'll leave that on."
"Your radio?"
"It isn't there."
We did buy our cars, so now we're ready for the first challenge, which was...
"The journey from London to Manchester and back would cost £182 on the train. Your cars cost less than that. You must head north on the M1, take the new M6 toll road, rendezvous at Manchester outside Manchester United's grounds at Old Trafford, and drive them back to the Top Gear Test Track for your next challenge."
"So to Manchester and back," I clarified.
"Easy," Davina declared.
"Let's go!" all three of us exclaimed.
We filled each of them to the brim with fuel, and set off, to the tune of Steppenwolf's BorntobeWild.
"It is remarkable, though, that we're all trundling along the outside lane on the motorway, same speed as everyone else, in cars that cost less than £100!" I noted.
"This Audi is... well, perfect, really," said Davina, contempt with her £100 car.
"In its day, of course, the Rover 416 GTi was... rubbish, really," Jamiebel winced, on behalf of the Rover.
"The steering wheel's not quite on straight, but it means I can flog it to a minicabber."
"I mean, I expected all the cars with a plume of blue fog, but they're fine. So far."
Some time later...
"I currently need to pee. It smells, though, in here, like other people have done it."
Some more time later...
"I think I'm gonna open my electric sunshine roof now, let in a bit of this crisp Spring air in."
"Sunroof, well, we can gloss over that. What I really do want is a radio," hoped Jamiebel.
Some MORE time later...
I began to play Robbie Williams through my 1980's Volvo stereo.
"I'd listen to Radio 3," Jamiebel pleaded. "Or the Archers on Four."
While I was singing, she groaned desperately, "Oh, I wish I had a radio!" while I also exclaimed, "That's the worst stereo I've ever heard in my life! But it's a stereo. And Jay-bee doesn't have one."
In response to that, she began humming a couple of songs, and...
"If I were a rich girl, ! OK, I've done "If I Was A Rich Girl". Any other suggestions?"
"If I were a tall girl?" I joked.
"Funny...very funny..."
So much time later, that the old voice-over went on vacation and was replaced with a new one...
"Jim, being a sporting driver, has roared off in his 6-cylinder Volvo..." Davina recapped.
"Where are you? I seemed to have sped off with my V6," I gloated.
"...but he could regret that."
And, to some certain inevitability, I did.
"There is, coming up ahead, an enormous cloud of smoke, from which I can assume is Jim," Jamiebel noted. It was. We pulled into a nearby rest stop to inspect the damage.
"If this is the head gasket, we're in big trouble," I warned. Happily, it wasn't. The belt that drove the A/C snapped and knocked a plug out of the radiator. Simply put it back in again, fill it up with water, and I was on my way.
"Right, here we go. Back on the road, Jim's heap of junk fixed," Jamiebel commented.
"It's fine," I protested.
"That Volvo..." Davina thought, out loud. "What was he thinking of?"
"It's finally cost less than £100!"
Eventually...
We arrived in Manchester, following Sir Matt Busby Way, to Manchester United's Old Trafford. Now all we had to do was turn back round and return. But would we make it?
This is the track – barren and with nothing but asphalt in view, until... Davina arrives in her Audi. It's back! And so, too, is Jay-bee, in the Rover.
"Watch the paintwork!" she complained. But just one question: where's the Volvo?
"No!" the Angkahans laughed in surprise. Yes, you counted them out and now you can count them all back again: proof that you can buy a car and including petrol costs, can go to London to Manchester and back for less than it would cost on the train.
[...]
Now we're at the track. If you're just reading this right now, here are the cars we bought: there's Jay-bee's Rover 416GTi, Dee-jae's Audi 80, and my V6 Volvo 760 GLE. Here's the first test: our researchers worked and calculated how much fuel was used in the London-Manchester round trip – 30 mpg is the target; every mpg over 30, you get a point, every mpg below 30, you lose a point.
"Right – I have the results," Davina announced. "The Volvo: 20 mpg, giving Jim a score of -10. The Rover: 23 mpg, giving Jay-bee a score of -7. And the Audi: a remarkable 35 mpg, giving me 5 points."
"Yes. Now I have just been told that we'll also be tested on reliability – you lose a point for every time the bonnet had to be lifted," Jamiebel added. "Which means: none there for you, Davina, none there for me, and another -1 for Jim."
"OK, I admit it – my Volvo's not doing well," I noted. "But it's time now for the next challenge."
"Each car will complete one fast lap of the track in the hands of an independent adjudicator. 1:50 is the target – for every second under, you gain a point, for every second over, you lose a point."
"I wonder who the independent adjudicator might be."
Oh, come on, me. "Independent adjudicator" is another way of introducing our tame racing driver. Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
First, he went in the Rover. He set off in a plume of exhaust smoke and wheelspin.
"This is probably the worst car the Stig has ever driven. Although, it must be said, probably not the worst car he's going to drive today," I commented.
"No," Jamiebel agreed.
As the Stig approached Hammerhead, all became clear, as the Rover had quickly maneuvered through the second half of the course, and then, after going through Gambon Corner, he finished. Now let's see how Davina's Audi will fare.
"That [the Audi] was 0-60 in about 25 minutes," I joked.
"Assuming that it will ever get to 60," Jamiebel added.
"No, no - this is where we'll see the advantage of the optional sport package," Davina rebutted.
In fact, the sport package did absolutely damn all, making the lap look sloppy, and after the lap, the Stig said that the Audi must've been in a huge wreck some time in its life, and not mended properly. But he was even ruder about my Volvo.
"The thing is that it's just not pulling away!" Jamiebel laughed. "It's still there!" We all broke into laughter after that. In fact, this was one of the sloppiest laps that the Stig had ever recorded - ever.
"170 brake horsepower," I noted, still chuckling.
"Yeah, but 170 tons of Volvo!" Jamiebel and Davina laughed.
And as he came 'round Gambon, he finally finished the joke of a lap.
"So, the results: Jay-bee's Rover went round in 1:42, meaning she gets 8 points, Dee-jae's Audi went round in 1:46, so she gets 4 points, and my Volvo, 1:48, so that's 2 points. It's a plus! It's a plus!"
"OK, another test," Jamiebel announced.
"The Highway Code says the stopping distance from 60 mph is 60 yards, without thinking time. You will gain 1 point for every yard short of 60."
There was a line that said, "Brake", and 60 yards away, there was a gallery of motoring rouges: "Two Jags" John Prescott, the chief constable of North Wales, and the accursed speed camera (invented by those damn Dutch, mind you).
"Here we go," Davina replied, braking from 60 yards. "Straight and true! Beat that, Jay-bee."
"OK, I'm at 60, just Dee-jae to beat, braking!" Jamiebel noted, braking from the same distance. "...nothing!"
In fact, Jamiebel didn't beat Davina, so she'd thought that the Volvo would let me down. Happily, it didn't.
"Anti-lock brakes! Yes! Yes! Yes! The Volvo scores a point!" I exclaimed, and proceeded to kiss the steering wheel of the Volvo. "What a great car!"
"Right. Brakes. Now then: Dee-jae's Audi pulled up in 40 yards, meaning she gets 20 points. Then my Rover stopped – just – in 48 yards, meaning I get 12 points, and then Jim's Volvo, with the advantage of anti-lock brakes, stopped in 34 yards, so he gets a very handy 26 points."
"And now on to our next challenge," Davina declared.
"Each car loses a point for every electrical item that isn't working."
Jamiebel's ABS (Anti-lock Brake System) isn't working, and neither is Davina's bonnet light, but when they got to the Volvo...
"Oh, my God, it's all broken!" Davina screamed, in mock horror. In fact, I had quite a lot not working. The list was so long, it might bore you to death, so we'll move it along to Davina. Dee-jae?
"Right enough – the results. Jamiebel's Rover: 3 faults, giving her -3 points. My Audi: 4 faults, giving me -4 points, and Jim's Volvo, finally back on track with 12 faults, giving him -12."
"Now it's time for the final challenge," I announced. But when I saw the challenge, I blanched. "Er, chaps, you might wanna come and have a look at this, because what it says is..."
"Each of you must now drive your own car into a wall at 30 mph. You get -10 if you're killed, -5 for each broken bone, and -1 for each blood injury."
"Right," Jamiebel replied, unsure.
"I'm feeling quite relaxed, actually," I noted, confident.
"With your Volvo. By contrast, my Rover, made of entirely of rust... I'm feeling a bit scared. Dee-jae, you alright?"
Davina, having spoken sweet nothings, muttered, "I have to crash? On purpose?"
"Yeah. It's gonna be worse for her because she's using that rust car, and doubly worse, because, since Jay-bee's the youngest (by four days), she's going first."
"Right."
"Good-bye."
"I admire your logic."
"Bye!"
"Thank you."
As Jamiebel drove up to the brick wall (all of which had their car makers' names in graffiti), she measured her speed. She had got up to 30 mph, and crashed. But luckily, she cheated death.
"Well, uh, my bones all still work, and there's no blood. I think my car has bored the whole of it. I think I did quite well," Jamiebel chirped. "Next!"
Next to go was Davina.
"Well... it's been good. I met Jodie Kidd... and Stephen Fry," Davina replied, willing her last testament. When she crashed, we heard not a peep, neither a murmur, nor a mumble from the eldest Angkahan. Had she finally been silenced?
"Yes, she's dead, so that's 10 points away there!" I declared. "And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear—"
"No, no, look, she's coming 'round!" Jamiebel observed.
"She is!"
"She's alive!"
"She lives! That's not 10 points off there, then. Blast."
In fact, when she crashed, the impact of the jolt sent a shock to poor Davina, and she fainted on the wheel. Happily, she woke up.
"That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done!" she replied, oddly satisfied.
Then it was my turn, and I had a problem: the speedometer on my Volvo wasn't working, so I had to guess how fast 30 was. And I got it a bit wrong.
"Right, then – this isn't going to be big on dignity!" –Matt Smith, Doctor Who
"Geronimo!" I exclaimed, crashing into the wall. In fact, when I mean 'a bit', I mean 10 miles off. "I think I missed the wall!"
We all live, then. But what about the cars? Jay-bee's Rover is dead. Dee-jae's Audi is dead. But my Volvo... is alive. Yes!
Epilogue:
In fact, my 40-mph-crash had me chip my own thumb, so that means -5 points, meaning that all that I did amounted up to a score of...
"...naught! No points at all," Jamiebel concluded.
"But there is one more challenge, and it is the big one. It is: the cost – Now we earn a point for every pound saved from our original £100 budget," Davina explained. "I've got 25 points, and Jay-bee's got 10, so £15 either way can swing this."
Davina had spent £75 on her Audi, whereas Jamiebel spent £80.
"So that means, Jim, unless you bought yours for £10, Dee-jae's the winner," Jamiebel warned. I showed them my receipt, and both looked in disbelief, as I bought my car for – get ready for it...
"ONE POUND!" I exclaimed, with glee. "One pound! Yes! The Volvo! Losers! Losers!" The Angkahans were so shocked, that they kicked the front tire of my Volvo. "There is, however, just a couple more things we need to say about these cars before we end the story: first of all, we didn't cheat. I actually got a friend of mine to buy this Volvo for me, and she came back from the dealership, having spent a quid –"
"A pound?" a dumbfounded Jamiebel interrupted.
"Yes, a pound – saying she couldn't believe how much joy she had – there were BMWs and Audis and Fords and all these cars, going up to the dealer, asking £150. She says, 'I'll give you a quid.' And the dealer is £151 up!"
"A quid?" an irate Davina asked.
"Absolutely," I proudly responded, flashing the L sign. "And on that bombshell, it's time to end. Next week, for reasons we don't understand, we're on at nine o'clock. So we'll see you then. Unless you're watching this on Dave. In February. In the middle of the afternoon. In which case we hope that you get a job soon! Take care, see you soon, bye!"