Doesn't Anybody Know We're In Palisades? The Rewrite (not compatible with Some Gift From Heaven)
By
That Guy In Everclear
Chapter One
The year was 1987. The class at the Hermitage, home of Franz Hopper's company, Hopper Computers, was Miss Bliss'. The students included were Max, Zach, Slater, and Screech. During the tour, Zach and Slater were talking, as they were best friends, about Miss Bliss' big butt. All of a sudden, Screech, Zach, and Slater split from the group and went downstairs, following a piano sound. They saw a , possibly disabled temporarily and autistic, listening to her father, as he plays "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star". At the end of the song, she says, "That was a great song!" He replies, "Okay" and looks behind him to see the three hopefuls standing there. Zach says to him, "Hey, Mr. Hopper. I'm Zachary Morris; the Mexican is A.C. Slater; and the curly-haired one is Samuel Powers, but you can call him Screech. Who's the next to you?" Franz replies, "She's Aelita Hopper, my daughter. She may have autism or Asperger's, but I don't give a . Let me show you something."
Franz gets up and grabs his can of Fresca. He walks down another hallway and the 7th graders follow him. Suddenly, they see a big supercomputer and he sits down at it. He says, "This, if she does have autism, is my cure for her temporarily disabled legs: LYOKO. You wanna try it on her?" Zach replies, "Sure" and they head to the scanner room, where Franz is about to throw his daughter in there, but then a scanner opens, revealing a black man dressed like a vice cop. He aims a Tommy at Franz and tries to shoot him, but in protection, he throws Aelita in the scanner, virtualizing her. She starts screaming as her atoms split into virtual particles and end up in an incomplete tower. Franz gets Lance and says to him, "I told you to stay in Hell forever!" Lance replies, "No! It's time! Hey, whitey with the blond hair! That Beaner betrayed you!" Zach suddenly yells to Slater, "Hey! You me!" He starts punching him in the stomach and they get into a violent fight…
(………Present Day………)
Aelita is looking at the clock ticking. She is drawing a little drawing of a DJ named Sean Demery when the bell rings. She gets out and runs all of the way to her room, where her friends are waiting. The day is May 25th. She opens the door and they yell out, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AELITA!" She replies, "Um…uh…thanks, guys!" and throws her bookbag on the bed. She sits down and says, "You got stuff for me! Awesome!" She opens one present and is instantly presented with an iPod. She plugs it into her computer and is instantly putting the songs on the iPod. Jeremy says to her, "Aelita, I know you like music, but why do you have Marilyn on your iTunes?" She replies, "Okay…Jeremy, anybody can love any musical artist. Remember that shirt I wore at the Hanukkah party?" He replies, "I remember. That Bauhaus shirt?" She replies, "Yeah, Jeremy. I'm into Daniel Ash." Suddenly, a door knock is heard. Jeremy opens it. It is the possessed student, who is unposessed, bringing Aelita a letter. He throws it to Aelita and she opens it. Out pops a letter and five tickets to California on first class. She reads the letter:
To whom it may concern,
We have contacted you, Aelita. We know the secret and we want
you to come to California tonight on May 25th. We need to tell the
truth to you. Also, bring your friends. They will experience the
thrill of a lifetime in California. You may have to stay over a month.
Sincerely,
Zach Morris, A.C. Slater, and Screech Powers
Aelita says to the gang, "We need to go tonight. Yumi, cancel your plans with Ulrich to head to the Black Angus Steakhouse." Ulrich replies, "I can't go tonight! In fact, I don't have much pocket money for dinner." Aelita says, "Don't worry. On first class, they have good food, unlike 'Airplane!'" All of them agree to the bad fish in the movie "Airplane", which caused its captain to faint.
All of the gang leave the room. Aelita gets out a suitcase and puts some shirts, jeans, socks, underwears, bras, a pair of flip-flops, nail polish, fancy dresses, and open-toed stilettos in there. She then puts her toiletries and towels in there and zips it up shut. She carries it to the bus stop, where the others are with their suitcases. A bus comes to them and they get on with their luggage. On the bus, Jeremy gets out his laptop and puts his Web browser on Bonus Stage, the seminal Internet cartoon. He goes to "Flame Wars" and starts watching it. He then faints and Aelita sees the rest, actually laughing at the offbeat humor.
At the airport, they get off of the bus and they get checked to go on their flight. They get on the airplane and sit next to each other. Odd sits next to Aelita, who's next to the window, and says, "Hey, we can use our electronics now." Aelita takes out her iPod and starts listening to it. Odd says, "What is that you're listening to?" Aelita replies, "The Flaming Lips. I have every one of their CDs." Odd replies, "I do, too, but I don't have that 'Satellite' record." Aelita hands the iPod to him and he puts the earbuds in, hearing a strange yet beautimus song, "She Don't Use Jelly". He says to her, "This song is the shiznit!"
At LAX, the airplane lands at 3 in the afternoon, due to time zones. They get off and head to the front of the main building, where a man holding up a sign saying, "HOPPER", is trying to get their attention. Aelita replies, "Hey, man! That's our limo!" and they get in. They suddenly ride all of the way to Palisades, seeing the sights along the way. The driver says to them, "Hello. How are you? I'm Tanner." Aelita replies, "You mean the cop Tanner?" He yells to her, "HELL YES, I AM!!! NOW SHUT YOUR MOUTH FOR THE REST OF THIS RIDE!!" Soon, they reach a mansion. He gets out and walks to a woman at a pool, tanning. She says, "Hey, Tanner. How are the guests?" He replies, "Good, Kelly." The gang gets out and head to the front door.
Inside, three men in their 30s are playing "Gran Turismo 3", listening to Grinspoon while driving around Super Speedway. The curly-haired one says to the blond one, "I'm taking you down, Zach!" Zach replies, "Not if I can help it, Screech!" Slater speeds ahead of them and yells, "I CAN BEAT YOU, GUYS!!" Suddenly, the bell rings, editing the curse in the Grinspoon song. They pause the game and head to the door. Zach opens it and says, "Hello, guests. How are you doing?" The gang stands there, frozen-eyed at the threesome. They fall down on the ground simultaneously. Screech says, "I guess we scared them."
Later on, it was 7 in the evening. Aelita wakes up. She is on a couch. She says, "O.K. Where's this Morris?" Zach walks to her and says, "I'm here, Aelita. How's it going?" She replies, "Good. What's the secret?" He replies, "You may be autistic." She is shocked and says silently, "I am? What about my daddy?" Zach then answers, "He's ." She cries to herself and says, "My dad is ? SHIT!!" Zach says, "O.K."
Upstairs, the likely couple wakes up on another couch and sees Slater and Screech partying to Jimmy Eat World. Yumi says to them, "Hey, guys. How you doin'?" Slater replies, "Good, Yumi. Well, if you must know. We know about LYOKO." Yumi gets furiously mad and yells to him, "YOU SHALL FORGET!!! YOU SHALL!" Slater replies, "Don't worry. We help you on the times you can't do LYOKO. We're warriors." Yumi says, "Okay. Where's Jeremy?" Screech replies, "In Kelly's room. If you're wondering where Odd is…" and lights up the gas to the fireflace. He lights up a match and throws it in, burning a log in there, only that it's not a log. It's Odd. He screams in searing pain and runs around the room, breaking vases and all of that expensive stuff. He says, "SCREECH!! YOU IDIOT!!" and jumps out of the window.
At the pool, Kelly and Jessie are there in the hot tub. Kelly looks up in the sky and says, "Hey, Jessie. Look at the sky. Isn't that a meteorite about to hit us?" Jessie replies, "I guess so." They run, get their towels, and head inside as Odd hurls towards the pool. He hits it in a belly-flop position and yells out, "GOD! THAT'S PAINFUL!! THANK GOD THAT THE FIRE'S OUT!" He gets out of the pool, dripping wet, heads inside, and tracks water everywhere. He heads to Zach's room, where his suitcase is in there, and takes off his wet shirt. His skin is full of burn marks. Screech walks in and says, "Odd, I'm sorry for lighting you on fire." Odd slips off his shoes and yells to him, "SORRY? YOU THINK YOU'RE SORRY? WELL, I'M IN PAIN! UNBEARABLE PAIN! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! FIRST, I GET HEAD TRAUMA AT THE SIDEWALK, THEN I GET PUT IN A FIREPLACE, THEN I GET LIT ON FIRE, THEN I BELLY FLOP IN A POOL, AND NOW I'M HERE, VENTING TO YOU!! I FEEL LIKE JONAS IN THE 'GIVER!!' I FEEL LIKE LANCE VANCE, HAVING HIS BONES BEING BROKEN IN A SOFT SERVE MACHINE!!!" Odd sighs and Screech continues, "Alright. You don't have to vent at me. I said, 'Sorry.'" Odd replies, "Okay, Screech. Can you leave? I'm about to put on some clean clothes." Screech leaves as Odd starts taking off his pants.
Meanwhile, Aelita is with Zach in the kitchen, who's trying to cook something, but he can't. Aelita says, "Now I know why men can't cook, except for Emeril and Wolfgang. Well, you wanna order pizza and Chinese food while we watch 'Anchorman'?" He replies, "Sure" and picks up the phone. He calls a pizza delivery service and says, "Hello?" The pizza dude on the other line says, "Welcome to Yad Neerg's Pizzeria and Chinese Place. What do you want?" Zach then orders, "I want 12 pizzas, 7 boxes of General Tso's Chicken, breadsticks, Mongolian BBQ, and twelve 2-liters of PiBB Xtra." The pizza dude gets it all down and says, "I'm going to get that all to you in 30 minutes or less or we have to pay for it, but since we cook your pizza in a car, screw that promise!" Zach hangs up and says to Aelita, "Get ready." She goes to Zach's room, where Odd is putting on his shoes. He is dressed like Tommy Vercetti. Aelita says to him, "Hey, Tommy. How's it going?" Odd replies, "I'm not Tommy! I'm not Lisa! Well, change in the bathroom. Screech is watching me dress." Aelita gets a black "Killer Rabbit" shirt, blue jeans, and black skate shoes. She goes into the bathroom and puts them on. She comes on and says, "I'm ready."
Soon, the pizza boy comes to the house and gives Zach the smorgasbord for $20. Aelita says to him, "Hey, I know you!" The pizza boy takes off his disguise to be revealed as Billie Joe Armstrong. He says to her, "Well, I can see that you're ready. Head into the car. We're going to the Black Angus Steakhouse." She replies, "Cool!" and gets into the car. She is sitting next to Tré Cool and Mark Belpois, the other backup Green Day guitarist. They say to her, "Hey, Aelita. How's it going?" She replies, "Cool. I'm doing well. Well, where's the Black Angus?" Mark replies, "It's in the town. You're currently in the outskirts…" Billie takes off to the town. Mark continues, "…and we're heading a mile to the steakhouse. It's a bit casual and is like a fancy place." Aelita replies, "Okay."
Soon, they're in the town, seeing familiar names like Carl's Jr., McDonald's, and Jewel-Osco when they get into the parking lot for the Black Angus Steakhouse. They get out and head inside the place. There is a red-haired at the podium. She says, "Hello. Go die." Aelita replies, "Are you supposed to be ?" Rya falls onto the ground, lifeless. Mr. Malice walks to her and gets her. She says, "I'm not going to say it." Mr. Malice takes the robot and him to the afterlife. An orange-haired man gets their menus and says, "Follow me."
They follow the young man to the table and they sit down. They open their menus and read them, seeing of what could be ordered. He says, "Order already! I don't have all day!" All of them order a standard meal, but for Aelita, she says, "I want the 144 oz. Sir Loin Sirloin with seasoned fries and the largest salad you've got. Also, I want a Dr Pepper." The waiter walks away with the order.
15 minutes later, he gives everybody his or her food. He times Aelita on how she eats the 144 oz. steak. If she eats it under an hour, the whole meal is free. If she doesn't, the meal is normal cost, but with $150 added to the bill. Fortunately for Aelita, she eats the whole sirloin and its meal. The waiter gives her a free meal and they all head out of the restaurant to go to the ice cream shop. Suddenly, a gray-haired man appears on a motorcycle. He says to Aelita, "Hello, daughter of Franz Hopper. I'm Franz Hopper." Aelita says to herself, "I can't believe it" and faints silently. The band surrounds her and Mark says to them, "Is she ?" Tré replies, "I don't know. She appears to be in shock."
END OF CHAPTER ONE