An unforgivable sin.
I knew what his reaction would be, but I did it anyway. I committed a sin, a sin that I cannot take back nor can I change the fact. I knew that I wasn't right, I knew what I thought was wrong. The thing that I wish for, the thing I dreamed of would never come true. But I wanted to hope. I wanted to believe that the one I loved would understand and return the feelings that I have kept hidden for years. But he loves another and he will never feel the same. I know that he cannot and will not feel the same.
--
We laid in our bed, quietly minding our own business but enjoying the others company. He was playing his handheld video game; I was doing my homework as well as his. He has always had trouble with math so I always help him out. I didn't mind, as long as it made him happy I was satisfied.
Tonight I felt selfish; I wanted him to know the truth. I wanted him to know the pain, the burden that I have to carry every day. Not telling a soul. Not passing the burden onto him until now. I wanted to make him happy; I wanted him to feel the same. I wanted him to love me as I did him.
I wanted him to know how our 'brotherly love acts' were fantasy that I had. How I no longer felt the need to act. How I wanted him to really mean all the things that he said. How I wanted him to hold me every night as he did when we are with customers. I wanted him to look at me the way he looks at her. I just wanted him to know.
I know that it was wrong, I know that it's a sin to think of your brother in the way that I did –do- I understand that it isn't looked upon and I understand that it could destroy everything that I worked so hard for. But I felt like I needed to go for it. I was sick of hiding from him.
"Hey Kaoru? Do you remember what we theme are we doing in the club tomorrow" He asked me, not looking up from his game. I look up at him and put my pen down.
"I don't think we have any theme tomorrow I think that it is just school uniform" I say sitting up and moving a tad closer to him.
"I see, do you wanna take a break from math and work on our script?" He asked, finally looking up at me. His golden eyes looking into mine, for once I hope he sees the truth. The dirty, horrible truth.
"That sounds good to me" I say wanting nothing but to tell him that it's not an act to me. We get closer we are pretty much touching. I get my pen and a pad of paper and put it in my lap. I wait for him to come up with an idea.
"Hmmm I can't think of any honestly. Maybe a nightmare again or maybe a bath one" He says. I began to think of how wonderful it would be to bathe with him again. I had to stop before sadly because I was getting to the point where I couldn't see him naked without getting excited.
"The bath idea sounds nice" I say a little too dreamy. I notice this and blush a tad. He looks at me strange.
"Kaoru is something the matter?" He questions, and I don't know what came over me but what I said next surprised even me.
"I was just wondering what it would be like to bathe together again" I regret what I say. I didn't know how to fix my mistake. "I just mean it use to be fun"
He looked at me and laughed "God kaoru you are such a kid sometimes" His thickness is sometimes a relief but now I don't know how I feel about it.
"Y-yeah…Hey Hikaru…I need to tell you a secret" I stuttered, nervous about what I got myself into. I began to pull on the end of my Pj's.
"Yeah sure what is it I'm all ears" He smiled and put a hand to his ear, he moved a little closer. I take a deep breath before I say the one thing I tried to avoid for years.
"H-H-Hikaru I love you." I managed to get out. My face turned red and I felt like there was a knot in my stomach. I know what he will say and I prepare for the worst.
He was silent for a moment before he began to speak again. "I love you too, we're brothers"
"I don't mean like that. I like you in a way more than that." I said as I pulled on my sleeve. Tiny tear drops formed in the corners of my eyes as I waited for his response.
He jumped from the bed. He made a sound of absolute disgust. "What the fuck Kaoru?!" He yelled, the tears now rolled down my cheeks as I looked at the bed.
"I know its wrong…but I can't stop feeling this way…I love you" I said the tears fell faster now. I looked up.
"Don't say it again. Just know that I am not and will never be like you." He said before he left the room. I sat there in silence crying. I had taken a chance and I had already known the outcome. I knew what I did was wrong and I won't ever forgive myself for doing this to him.