A/N: Crackfic written in an hour for a challenge. Flames welcome, they cook s'mores. PENIS.
FMA: Full Metal AWESOME!
The afternoon sun was beating down on the heads of the two alchemists who had lost so much. Edward Alrich and his brother Al were venturing across the countryside. It had been a number of years since the tragedy that had cost Edward his arm and leg and Al his entire body. They had thought of almost nothing else (except the considerable amount of time Ed spent concentrating on increasing his height, he had found a pile of books troublesome to say the least). Al had also spent some time thinking about girls but due to the fact he had no penis, unless there was some phallic metal thing in the cod piece (but that would be weird), had little way to vent his frustration, I mean, what was the poor bastard to do?
As they travelled they spoke of ways to free slaves in towns they would come across, why no one in the military had a normal name and which fast food restaurant made the best hamburgers. After much debate they concluded that the burgers, were in fact better at Hungry Jacks. "HEY, LOOK!", Edward screamed in excitement. There, on the road in front of them, was a stone. But not just any stone, in fact engraved on the rock was the words 'If found, please return to Philosopher. Telephone 0409879311'.
The brothers were taken aback. Edward's mouth hung open in astonishment. Al's would have hung even more open if the fact that he shared a striking resemblance to a mangled bluebird prevented him from showing emotion. They had succeeded in their quest. They had found the Philosopher's Stone.
This was a big moment for the brothers. That phrase is tossed around a lot but really this shit was big. What were they supposed to do now? The last four years of their life, they had thought of nothing of this moment. And now it had arrived. Ed's brain was like a hive of ideas all buzzing around before being eaten by the Queen idea. Al's brain was excited about the fact that he may in fact have a penis before the day is out.
That's a pretty big idea to contemplate really. Regaining your penis after 4 years without it. You know the look on a dog's face when you walk away and then come back? It's really happy to see you. Now think about how much sadder dogs look when you've cut off their testicles. Imagine how the dog would look and act if suddenly you gave him his testicles back. Al's mood was relative to this.
They picked up the stone and admire it. It's simple beauty. It looked like limestone. Same stuff as the pyramids were built out of. This was good shit. The brothers looked at each other, both understanding exactly what the other was thinking, "WE CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANT", they exclaimed in unison.
Edward's first order of business was to give himself a normal arm and leg. Well not completely normal, he wanted to get all the extra bells and whistles an arm and leg could have. He made all of his limbs the most physically perfect limbs anyone could ever hope for. However, much to his dismay the stone would not let him increase his height. Had something to do with midgets having to be midgets forever and ever. This gave him a very comical appearance in that his limbs were huge but his body was average. No one would ever find this attractive.
Al was quick to give himself a body. And genitals. He kept on increasing the size of his genitalia. Al was certain that the bigger the better, in his mind there was no such thing as too big. He had to stop increasing the size though when his penis was disrupting his balance. As you can no doubt tell from that previous description, this was one fucking huge dick.
Al was the more ethical of the brothers and suggested that they ring the number on the stone because they had gotten everything that they had ever wanted to gain from finding the stone and this guy Philosopher probably wanted his stone back.
Meanwhile…..In Norway
An old man lay dying on a bed. A young woman sat next to him crying. She could see in his eyes that ever breath he took was agony. There was not much left. The old man struggled to talk. The woman silenced him, "Dad, don't waste your energy", her words muffled by tears. The man spoke anyway, "If anyone calls the mobile, about a stone that they've found, tell them to go fuck themselves."
And with those words, Barry Philosopher died.
Meanwhile……..In Japan
Al was a little taken aback by what the young woman had said to him on the phone. He had only meant to return the stone that he had found but she had used such harsh language. However, he did take her up on her offer, many times. A guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do. Especially after four years of not doing what a guy's gotta do.
Edward was very pleased by this development as he was looking forward to exploiting all of the stones powers for his own gain. Al was beginning to wonder if he had gone mad with power. And the answer was of course, yes he had. But when he had so much power, who was going to stop him? The government? Not likely.
In fact, Edward had become so arrogant that he decided to take the stone down to the military headquarters the following day and introduce the Fuhrer to his good friend, Pain. Unfortunately Pain had a prior social engagement so he was just going to kill him and take over his position instead. That would probably make more sense anyway.
When Edward awoke the next day he looked at himself in the mirror, his biceps were rippling. And if he stood on his tippy toes he could pass for being taller Michael J. Fox. He pulled on his best coat before flexing some more and then platting his hair like he always does (Where does he find the time?). This was going to be a good day.
When he arrived at the military headquarters, all the staff were glad to see him. They all thought something was different about him. "Yo, Ed, got a new haircut?", an assistant asked.
A security guard enquired, "Hey buddy, new shoes?"
"Hey little guy, you look great, been working out? Still not much taller though", Captain Rick Bismarck was the first to die.
Ed's rampage had begun. He was using the philosophers stone really well. He'd heard it took some sort of practice to use it. He didn't really notice, he just thought something and it happened. This made fighting really easy, it wouldn't be too long before he was Fuhrer.
As the bloodbath continued, Ed showed no remorse. A mother had brought her child into work that day and he cared not. They both fell to his stone. A kitten was caring for her kittens in the utility room and even they were not spared. When he finally reached the Fuhrer's office or throne room, wherever a Fuhrer would hang out, he was ready.
BANG BANG, the sounds of Edwards knocks were loud.
"Who is it?"
"It's Edward Alrich, the Full Metal Alchemist, come to just say hey"
"Oh, come in"
Edward entered the room. It was large. The walls were made out of solid gold. There was a bowling alley (with 8 lanes), an Olympic sized swimming pool (with 8 olympic gold medallists) and a football stadium (with 8 tigers fighting 8 slaves). All in all it was pretty impressive room. In the centre was a Persian rug; it really tied the room together.
The Fuhrer looked unsurprised to see Edward dripping with the blood of the innocent, and he was showing far less fear than the mass murderer had been hoping for. This made Edward a little bit worried.
"Having a good day today are we?" The Fuhrer mocked Edward.
"One of the best of my life, but could I trouble you for a drink?"
"Well, I'm afraid that both the day and the life end here, young Edward, what do you like?"
"Fanta please"
"Too easy", the Fuhrer was a nice guy.
Edward had barely finished his refreshing drink (it had really quenched the thirst one builds up after so much murder), when the words that the Fuhrer had spoken before really hit home. This was going to be his last day? He came to his senses, he thought about the Fuhrer's head explod…..
Before he could finish his thought, his head fell off. Not by itself, there is such thing as physics, you know, but by the sword of Al. Al had been sad to see his brother turn into a crazy megalomaniac and had thought this would be the best course of action.
He was probably right. Just then the characters realized there was only thirty seconds left before everything had to be wrapped up in a neat package so Al and the Fuhrer got married and ruled over the land in a peaceful time when the pain and suffering of World War 1 was not felt by the good people of Japan.
The End.