In the Moments Before...
I'm walking on trembling legs back to the dock. My heart is racing now, thundering painfully up into my throat as I wait anxiously to hear my fate. I swallow hard and close my eyes intent on letting my mind wander. I'm desperate to escape the next few agonizing moments, but my thoughts refuse to wander very far. I can't forget that what I'm about to hear will impact on so many lives, not just my own...
I didn't want to do it, I never would have believed I could, but when Hazel... when it was clear she couldn't ... on hearing Jackson beg and plead, on seeing his tears, feeling his anguish, his desperation... how could I not help end his pain?
Yes I helped him die but I didn't kill him... there's a world of difference there at least in my mind there is, and that's how he saw it too. But not the police and more importantly not Jackson's dad. I'm a murderer in Jerry's eyes; I took his son's life. I don't like the man, I never have, but knowing he truly believes that troubles me even more than what the Jury now believe. Jackson loved him, and it was important to him that his father understand his reasons and accept the choice he made. I know he wouldn't want his dad left with a bitter hatred of me, with something that will cruelly eat away at him for the rest of his life. But I know it will, I know that no matter the outcome of the trial, no matter the verdict reached, Jerry will always blame me, will always hate me... but at least he would find some measure of comfort in seeing me sent down.
But Hazel... she's been left hating herself... for what she did, for what she couldn't bring herself to do. As strong as she is she's not coping, her grief and guilt are weighing her down. I've tried but I can't reach her, I can't ease her burden. I promised Jackson I'd look after her, get her through the dark days we knew would follow. I was supposed to be her lifeline but she's floundering, drowning before my eyes... even if I walk free today I'm scared it won't be enough to stop her sinking further into the mire. I don't even want to think about what will happen to her if they find me guilty? I'm all she has now; I'm the only one who understands and she needs me.
My mum and Paddy will be just as devastated if I'm sent to prison. I know they'll stand by me, support me, and be there for me when... whenever it is I'm released. I got through the last few months so I can get through however many years the Judge decides to sentence me to. I have to, for them, for Jackson. I don't want to let him down.
If he'd thought for one minute it would end this way I know he'd not have asked what he did of us. He believed he'd protected us from such consequences. We did too. Not that we really thought about it at the time, it was the last thing on our minds. I couldn't get past the thought of losing him, of how I could carry on without him.
It's been so hard, the pain had been unbearable at times, I miss Jackson so much and I keep thinking about the last few hours we had together, what we said to each other, especially what he said to me, I keep replaying his words over and over in my head just like I keep replaying the message he left me and Hazel on the laptop. I felt my heartbreak when he said "Don't forget me." Like I ever could. He was everything to me... if I hadn't realised that too late there would have been a very different end to our story. Alright maybe not a happy ever after, I don't think such things exist, but we would have been happy together, we would have made it work... he wouldn't be lying all alone in the cold ground and I wouldn't be standing in what right now feels to be the loneliest place in the world. We'd still be together, life something for us to share...but now his life is over and mine...
It's time! I force my eyes open, my gaze fixed on the jury foreman. I can't read his expression, he's giving nothing away, I take that as a bad sign and take a steadying breath, I have to hold it together for Hazel, for Paddy and for my mum...