Best Intentions

Mamoru's curtains were blue. Everything changed, his work, his apartments, his girlfriends – but his curtains were always, always blue. Masochism, maybe. As if he still expected her to jump onto the patio, the curtains billowing in the breeze, and her silhouette – Sailor Moon's silhouette, outlined by the moon.

She hadn't, not since he pushed her away because of the nightmares. And now there was no more Sailor Moon for him to protect and whisk out of danger. No more precious Usako to love and cherish and hold. God, what a fool he had been. If only he had chosen to ignore the dreams, maybe Usagi would still be.

He hated himself for it. Loathed himself with every fibre of his being. He accepted transfers to the most remote of hospitals, hoping to ... hoping to what exactly? Outrun his demons, or maybe the accusing eyes of the Sailor senshi? It never worked.

It never stopped his tormentor from finding him.

She sat behind him on his couch, an ethereal, inhuman creature profaning herself with such a normal, everyday gesture. Her long, silver pigtails framed her perfect, heart shaped face and seemed to highlight the gold of the star emblem on her brow. She had even arranged herself in such away that her Sailor skirt fanned out and covered her just enough to protect her modesty. A regal, heavenly being gracing him with her presence. She was pristine and beautiful, the embodiment of hope itself. Mamoru wished he could hate her.

So poised. So elegant. So graceful. So unlike his exuberant, chattering Usagi who would flop down on his furniture after battle or failed test and chase away the shadows and darkness of his apartment with her sunny, brilliant presence. She never cared, or noticed, the way her skirt would slide up and expose her milky white thighs, or the way her school top would lift up when she stretched and show off the curve of her hips and belly. Mamoru sighed. That had been many, many years in the past.

He schooled his features and finally turned to his uninvited guest. "Why do you keep coming?"

Sailor Cosmos looked at him, and he was transfixed by the way her luminous blue eyes held him. No longer did they sparkle with joy and life, now they were sad and held wisdom she'd never known as Usagi. "You keep calling me."

"So you keep saying."

"It is true!"

"Yet you keep avoiding the real answer." It was an old game of theirs, but these last few times he had become increasingly impatient with her. He had a right know why she tormented him like this, didn't he?

He was surprised when she answered. "To answer you will hurt, and I have no wish to do harm."

He wondered if Usagi would have told him in childish rage and damned him. Would she have screamed and cursed at him, or would she have seen him now and forgiven him? Let him cry himself sick in her arms, and beg for her love? For her? "Would it hurt your pride?" he sneered.

"No." She looked at him, and he felt as if she was seeing through him, into his very soul. "Usagi chose Serenity's fate, and I choose Usagi's. I accept this."

"Your fate?"

"To love you. To see you happy. It was her, it is our greatest wish for you."

His mind reeled, and his head started to throb. She was going to drive him mad. How could Usako have loved him after what he did? He had broken her.

"I'm sorry," Cosmos said softy. "I shouldn't have told you."

Her eyes started to shine with tears, and Mamoru instinctively cupped her cheeks. "No, I am," he said hoarsely, trying to ignore the sudden lump in his throat. Sailor Cosmos smiled at him, bright and happy from his touch, and Mamoru was struck by the reminder of Usagi in her. He dropped his hands and turned away.

"Are you happy?" she asked.

He wasn't. He hadn't been, not since he let her die. He, half way around the world when Usagi, his Usako, had used the crystal to stop Galaxia and turn herself into Cosmos. At least in his plan she had been safe and loved and alive. It had wrenched his heart out to think of her married to another man, having his children, but still he had wanted it for her. He had wanted everything that was good in the world for her. Not this. Not to be changed into some archetypal angel, forever separate from humanity ... from him. No, it shouldn't have been this.

She seemed to read his thoughts. "You were out of her life long before Galaxia forced her hand," she reminded him gently.

He said nothing.

She smiled at him sadly. "You heal everyday, and yet cannot find meaning to your life."

"Usagi never spoke so pretentiously."

"I am not her any more."

They'd come full circle. It was always like this, every time she would come to him. He would ask her why why why, and she would sit with a look too heartbreakingly sad for her angelic face. She would want to know if he was happy, and he would never answer.

Sometimes she would end up in his bed, and he would take out his rage, his loneliness, and his frustrations on her. Sully her with the imperfections and darkness in himself he hadn't recognised even in the time he had been Prince Endymion. He wondered how she endured it, and what it meant for his soul that he could allow himself to taint her.

He'd asked her about the nightmares once, but she had shook her head. Perhaps now was the time to try again.

"You really want to know?"

He remembered how he had never been able to deny Usagi anything. Perhaps Cosmos felt the same way about him now. He could force her to tell him. "Yes."

"They were a test, nothing more. A test," she hesitated again, "a test given from your older self to you. A test to prove how strong your love was."

"A test I failed."

"Yes," she whispered, her eyes downcast.

If he had breathed, he wouldn't have heard it. Karma, his mind raged at him. Karma. He had destroyed Usako with his foolishness, with his pride and arrogance. Wasn't it only fair that her incarnation do the same to him? God, but he wanted to die.

"Will there be a next life for you?" he asked suddenly, willing that he would be granted another chance.

"No. I am Sailor Cosmos now."

"You will never die?"

"I am eternal. Maybe once Eternity has ended and the universe is reborn, I can be too."

"Reborn?"

She held up her hand, and in her palm Mamoru could see the end of time. The universe exploding, or perhaps collapsing into itself, in a mammoth display of destruction. Inky blackness spread as shining stars winked out of existence, and with them the spiral shapes of galaxies. Planets were ripped apart and rendered into their base atoms, and Mamoru could almost hear the screams and panic of infinite people try to flee.

Inevitable and inescapable, the Silence on a cosmic scale. His blue eyes widened in shock. This had been his Usako's destiny? He looked into Cosmos's eyes and saw her misery, her barely controlled panic at her fate. He wanted to kiss away her fears in that moment, but a memory of Usagi pulled him away from her.

"I'm sorry I remind you of her. I'm sorry I'm not her, I wish I was."

He wanted to laugh. How many times had Usagi wanted to be the very thing sitting in front of him, thinking that would please him?

She stood up. "I should go."

"Will you come again?" He grabbed her arm, and instantly hated himself for pleading.

"I shouldn't."

"Will you?"

"Yes."

Mamoru released her, and with a flash of pink she was out of his life again. He fervently hoped she hadn't lied and would come back.

My first real foray into Sailor Moon. Any and all feedback would be appreciated. This story is strange, but I watched season R again, and kept thinking 'what if'.