The Sound Of Emotion
Summary: Music conveys emotion… some of it calming, some exciting and some scarier than you can even imagine. A race against time, where evil is lurking just around the corner… but where there's evil there's also still some good. A story full of emotions: passion, horror, love, grief, hope… but which one will prevail...
Disclaimer: Well you all know this sad fact: I don't own Stargate :( I want to, but I don't. So I do with writing about it instead =D
Beta: The amazing LAIsobel is baring this long story with me… all mistakes are mine and mine alone though… and if there's a chapter or two that she hasn't gotten to beta in between, she'll do it when she gets to and we'll repost it later… THANK YOU ADELA =D
Genre: Angst, Thriller, Romantic, Sci-Fi, Drama
Characters: It's the whole team, with a spotlight focus on Jack and Sam, though I try to concentrate on Daniel and Teal'c, too , and I think I've given them their fair share =D. Side Appearances: Jacob, Hammond, Pete, Kerry, Oma, Mark and some other people I can't say now as to not give the story away. =D
Spoilers and Timeline: It plays out in the end of season 8. It remains true to the canon for the most part, only difference is that Jacob doesn't die, so the wedding doesn't get cancelled. So it's as if Threads never happened. My imagination takes over from there.
Warnings: Dark angsty content. Lots of fear. Different kinds of torture and abuse. Unabashed Jack and Sam pairing.
A/N: So this is going to be a slightly long author's note, but only to give you the lay of the land, so you know how this thing is going…
It's a musical fic of sorts. I thought, as I love musicals, I want my own but in written form, because words are more expressive than anything, especially when combined with music. So I thought I'd start this little experiment and it's grown into a full length story. So each chapter is based on a song (some of them on more and some on only parts of a song) the idea is to imagine the song playing in the back ground while the scene in the chapter is playing out… I highly recommend listening to the songs alongside with their chapters. I'll provide you with the name of the song and possible a link to it at the beginning of each chapter. The song lyrics will always be written in bold as to distinguish them from my own words. The story is divided into 5 parts, each one experimenting a different set of emotions, but of course the five parts are in canon. I'll also indicate the emotion set at the beginning of each part.
I've been working on this project for a long time, trying to do it as best as I can, cause I was really dedicated to the idea of mixing songs with emotions and having it all projected through illustrative words. I hope you feel as if you're watching the whole scenes play out when you combine each chapter with its song. As if you're really watching a movie. =D
This fic is highly experimental. Please take the time and read it and give it a chance. I really want to know people's reactions to it and how it made you feel. I wanna know if you like the style, find it weird, if it touched you, bored you, enchanted you… what? Please let me know and stick around, I promise you won't regret it, I've given this story a lot and I was aiming for a touching, vivid piece. Your feedback, comments, suggestions and critique in general is more than most welcome, in fact it's highly highly requested…. please please please hehe…. =D
This story is gonna twist and turn and change colors. Ready for the wild ride?
Here goes…. *nervously bitting finger nails*
Part One
Emotion Set: Love, Lust, Betrayal, Oppressing emotions, Denial, Guilt, Grief
Chapter 1: The Greatest Sin Of All
Song: 9 Crimes by Damien Rice
Song Link: www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=cgqOSCgc8xc&ob=av3e (I suggest heading over there to listen to the song while reading =D)
Tomorrow's the big day. Sam is lying in Pete's arms. The radio is playing in the background. He's holding on to her for dear life. She's lost in thought, thinking about nothing in particular. The first verse of the song on the radio catches Sam's attention. Apparently she was thinking about something in particular, or better to say someone. That's why the first sentence hit a nerve.
"Leave me out with the waste." She deserves that. More than anyone she deserves that, and for more than one reason.
"This is not what i do." This is true. She was never one to do that. She values nothing more in life but sincerity, honesty and faithfulness.
"It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you" And here she is thinking about this while lying in the arms of the man she was about to marry. The man she'd call her husband, starting tomorrow.
"It's the wrong time for somebody new." Maybe this too is true. Maybe it was the wrong time. Maybe she should have waited. Said no. He had already become a general. He was no longer directly her CO. Yes, he was her boss, but they no longer worked in the same chain of command. And soon Hammond would retire and he'd take his position. Then there would be nothing standing in their way. Nothing… except the fact that tomorrow she'll be married. Tomorrow she won't be allowed to think what she's thinking right now without being unfaithful. Tomorrow it'll all be over. Tomorrow, she'll give herself away. Tomorrow, she'll forever belong to someone else. Tonight, she is cheating too, but somehow it doesn't feel that wrong. Yet. Not as bad as it would be after she is married. Tonight she's cheating on her fiancé. She's only cheating with her emotions. It is still wrong but as the lady is singing "It's a small crime".
"And I've got no excuse." Sam winces at these words. The song is right. She's got no excuse. Even if this is a small crime, she still has no excuse for doing this. She said yes. She agreed to marry him. She went along with all the preparations and plans. She has no right to be lying in his arms while thinking about another man. She has no right to be resting her head on his shoulder while her head is occupied with someone else. She has no right to vow to love him with all her heart, when her heart isn't even hers to give. True she's only emotionally cheating on him but isn't it even worse than physically cheating. She's cheating. She's sitting next to him thinking about another , she'll say 'I do' to Pete in front of the whole world after having said to herself, tonight, that her heart belongs to someone else. To Jack. This is not her. She doesn't do this. She doesn't break the rules. She doesn't do wrong. Yet, right now she can't do anything else.
"Is that alright with you? To give my gun away when it's loaded?" Is it? Alright with her? With him? With the other him? She doesn't think so. With all of them, she doesn't think so. It's not alright to give her heart to Pete, when all that's inside is Jack. Her gun is loaded. It's been loaded since forever.
"Is that alright with you? If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?" Is it alright with him? With Jack? Of course it is. She gave him a chance. She gave him many chances. And he didn't bite. Not once. So how is she to keep him inside her heart if he doesn't even give her a reason to. He didn't pull the trigger. He's being the noble man. She knows he cares. She feels it. But he decided to be the gentleman and bow down so that she can be happy. She contributed to that, too. She was the one that started dating Pete. She was the one who let go first. But he's the one who loosened his grip. Whenever one of them got close to someone else, the other feigned indifference. They had a silent agreement: they both knew that someday they'd be allowed to open up to their feelings and that until that day came, they were allowed on occasion to drift closer to others around them. That's why she dated Pete. To temporarily fill the void, like they always did. But then it started to become less temporary. It started to last longer. And he, Jack, started to show her more and more that he was ok with it. At the beginning he did it, she knew, because that's what they did: feign indifference. But then it started to get more serious. And he decided to continue on with the feigning. He decided to take his foot away instead of putting it down. He put the safety on in the gun and now she can't shoot the bullet. She can't dispose of it either.
She's stuck between two men. Or rather a body of one and the shadow of the other. The body of the man next to her, the man that's physically there for her; because she won't acknowledge him on any other level. And the man that's lingering in the background. The man that isn't really there but whose shadow is haunting her because even though he isn't physically there, he's here. He's everywhere. Always.
And she's thinking about him now. She's thinking about him while the body of the man next to her leans closer and kisses her hair. The physical contact causes her to shiver. He perceives it as happiness; his effect on her. He thinks he's aroused her. She shivers because she's feeling sick to her stomach. Sickened by his body, instead of Jack's, touching her. Sickened by thinking this about her fiancé. Sickened by him being her fiancé. Again, sickened by thinking this about her fiancé. Sickened by herself. Yes. Most of all she is sick of herself. She is disgusted at herself. She is supposed to indulge the kiss planted on her by her soon to be husband. She is supposed to be true to him. Instead she excuses herself to go to bed, claiming that a bride needs her beauty sleep the night before the wedding. And before she leaves, he pulls her by the hand and kisses her on the lips. He is about to deepen the kiss, when she pulles away. She can't do it. There she is with her lips intertwined with Pete's wondering how it would feel like if the lips caressing hers were Jack's. She had to go to sleep.
"Is that alright with you? To give my gun away when it's loaded? That alright with you? With you?" Is it alright with her to let Pete think he's got a chance with her when she's thinking about someone else. Is it alright, when her mind can't seem to focus on anyone but the only man it's not supposed to be focusing on? Is it alright, when her heart is holding on to the one who let go of it in the first place. No. It's not alright. It's wrong. Even if it's a small crime, it's a crime none the less. Even if it started out as a small crime -a fleeting thought- it turned into a sin. A sin that's getting bigger by the second. She is a criminal. A sinner.
Tomorrow is the day. The day. Jack's on top of Kerry. It's dark. The radio is playing in the background. She's flushed by what they're doing, far from being done. He's in bed with her but elsewhere with his mind. A line from a song on the radio catches Jack's attention. It makes him aware of where exactly he was with his mind. With who. The song captures it right.
"Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do." He should be left out with the waste. To rot there and be forgotten. No one would care anyway. At least not anyone he would want to care. Not the special someone he is thinking about. This is wrong. He is doing a terrible thing. But towards who? Whom?
"It's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you" Who is he cheating on exactly? Is it Kerry? Or is it Sam? To be honest he feels like he is cheating on Sam though he knows he is effectively cheating on Kerry. He feels, he is cheating himself: He is in love with Sam and so he is betraying his heart by sleeping with someone else. But then again, she is the one who had left him. She betrayed him. And now he is retaliating. He is moving on. Or rather attempting to. Which brings him back to the cheating part. He is cheating on Kerry.
"It's the wrong time and she's pulling me through" Yep. There she is filling his body up, there she is supposedly giving himself and herself a high by what she's doing, but as their bodies connect, as they reach the peak: he's thinking about another woman. He's wishing that this other woman were the one underneath him. He's wishing that this other woman were the one panting in pleasure underneath him. He can only see her face. He is betraying Pete too. He is on top on a woman, while picturing another man's soon to be wife in her place. He is failing everyone.
"It's a small crime and I got no excuse." Ha! Small crime. This is no small crime. This is a giant sin. This is… It isn't a sin. Not really. Not yet. He isn't actually -physically- cheating on anyone. But he is emotionally cheating on everyone. He is still hung up on Sam. He has never stopped doing so. There's no excuse. And still there's no other way. She's moved on and so should he. Kerry is a nice woman. In time he will… could… would… love… no like… yes probably like her.
"And is that alright? Give my gun away when it's loaded" Nice! Gun! That's fitting. An Air Force Colonel has loaded his gun. And now he's what? Supposed to give it away to someone else? Is that alright with him? With Kerry? How would she feel?
"Is that alright? If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?" How would Sam feel? She wouldn't care. She's with somebody new. She's moved on. She lost the right to feel anything about it. If she doesn't shoot the gun she loaded, he's not obliged to hold on to it. This song is so cliche. It fit his life, literarily and figuratively.
"Is that alright with you? Give my gun away when it's loaded Is that alright? Is that alright with you?"
He can't breathe. He can't be with Kerry. He can't be with Sam. He can't be inside his own body. And more importantly he can't remain inside Kerry's body, so he loosens his grip on it. He lets go. She isn't done and neither is he but yet he is so done. When she wonders what is wrong, he explains that he is tired and has to get some sleep. She understands. He's had a hard day at work and tomorrow one of the people under his command -a close friend- is getting married, so he has to be well rested for tomorrow.
"That alright? Give my gun away when it's loaded. Is that alright? If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it? Is that alright? Give my gun away when it's loaded. Is that alright? Is that alright with you?" The guilt is eating him up as he turns away from Kerry. The pain is pulling on him from all sides. The anger. The betrayal. The lust. The regret. All of a sudden the regret stands out from all the other emotions running through his body. She gave him a loaded gun. With several bullets. And on many occasions, he failed to shoot it. He is the one who failed to shoot the gun. He was supposed to shoot it, not the other way round, right? He is an Air Force General and he couldn't bring himself to pull the trigger. So how could he expect her to hold onto the gun? She gave it to him. Put it in his hands. She gave him her love - tried to- and he didn't take it in. He left it there, inside the barrel of the gun. Was he really expecting her to what? Leave her love flowing to the ground when there was cup longing for one single drop of it? Was she supposed to turn down a guy who promised to love her with all his heart just because her heart loved someone else, someone who didn't catch it? He pushed her towards this. Forced her to do it. He gave her no other choice. And now he has to live with the consequences. And he's taking another soul down with him. He's doomed Kerry with him too. Dragged her into this. And Sam? What if he's hurt her? He surely hurt her. She was expecting him to pull the trigger; to take the lead. She showed him the way, gave him all the possible signs and yet he ignored them. He ignored them and got lost on the way. Now he's in the middle of nowhere with one… no three, other lost souls, because of him.
"Is that alright? Is that alright? Is that alright? Is that alright? Is that alright? Is that alright with you? No…" No! It isn't alright. It is far from alright. He lost the love he's loved the most and he's got no one else to blame but himself. As much as he wants to blame someone else, he can't. He is completely to blame. True she is the one who started dating in the first place but that's because he is the one who set her out there to the world. He's the one who didn't lay claim on her. He left her out there for anyone who wanted her. And so she let herself be captured by anyone who was ready to catch her. And he wasn't there. He wasn't ready. He's the one who let her fall out of his hands in the first place. Pete. Pete is the one who caught her, before she fell down. And now she is no longer his to think about. She is no longer his. And it isn't alright to be thinking of her. He is committing a crime. A crime worse than any he's ever committed. A crime towards Pete. Towards Kerry. And most of all towards Sam and himself. He failed them. That is the greatest crime of them all. That made him a criminal. Yes. A sinner.
Closing Notes: So? What do you think? Any feedback? Remember this is just the start… =D
Also, there's an outline for the whole thing, kind of a guide, with the plot of each chapter and its song. I was thinking of posting it at the end after the whole story was up, but if you prefer having it updated with each chapter, so you can have a short plot and reminder of the already read parts just let me know… =D
Don't forget to leave your feedback on the way out… please am dying for it… *still bitting finger nails*