Mutant bride
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "I'd like to attend your imaginary wedding; but I'm really busy that day. I have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah"
&&&&
Oh yes, it's…ANOTHER PARODY! This one is Tim Burton's Corpse Bride, enjoy!
&&&&
Act 1 – The Paupers
&&&
We open our parody in the rather gloomy town of Bayville.
"Was it always this gloomy?", asks Pyro, from where he sits on a directors chair.
"Nah, special effects", smiles Forge.
Anyway. We open to where Scott is sketching a picture of a butterfly he's keeping in a jar.
"I'm not a horse!", says Scott happily, "I'M NOT A HORSE!"
Scott finishes his sketch, putting the book away and opening his window, letting the butterfly flutter off to freedom, while he remains in his little house of gloom.
"Ooooooh", says Pyro, "meaningful-y"
The butterfly flutters past the townsfolk as the first musical beat starts. It passes past the fish shop near Scott's home, where Hank and Jason are cutting up fish.
"Why?", asks Jason, "just…..why?"
"I dunno", Pyro shrugs, "Gotta fit you in somewhere, plus Bobby wanted monkey slaves"
"These make my fur smell", mutters Hank, "and technically, I'm more of an ape than a monkey"
From the crowd, looking ritzy, Lucas walks through into the square.
"I finally have a significant role in a parody", says Lucas, "about bloody time too. I mean, my father only LEADS tae X-Men, not like I have important connections or anything!"
"Sorry, what was that?", asks Pyro, "I was looking at the pretty butterfly"
Lucas looks up as Juggernaught, dressed as a town crier, walks about…town crying.
"Here ye, here ye, ten minutes to go before Summers' wedding rehearsal"
"…..I'm right next to ye, Uncle Cain", mutters Lucas, "….ye dunnae have tae smash my ear drums"
The butterfly flutters by Lucas' head. Lucas hisses at it and waves it away. Meanwhile, finishing his half of the fish cutting duties, Hank gets onto a cart, pulled by Lancitty.
"Damnit", says Lance, "I knew this would happen"
"Well, they couldn't use Jott", says Kitty, "at least we've only got a few scenes"
Hank coughs rather unhealthily as the cart turns in the square, heading for Scott's house, almost running over Gabrielle.
"Watch it!", snaps Gabby, shaking her fist.
Hank ignores her, the cart stopping outside Scott's house, Scott looking at it worriedly. Out of the front door, Scott's…umm…parents, Bobby and Jubilee step out.
"This is wrong on so many levels", says Bobby
It's a beautiful day, sings Jubilee.
"……What part of the wrongness are you not getting?", asks Bobby, It's a rather nice day
A day for a glorious wedding, sings Jubilee, wielding her fan around like it could very well kill someone.
"Yours?", asks Pyro, with a frown, "I thought it was someone else's…."
"You're an idiot", says Bobby.
A rehearsal my dear, to be perfectly clear
Jubilee gives Bobby a look that suggests correcting her mid-song isn't a good plan at all.
A REHEARSAL for a glorious wedding
Assuming nothing happens that we really don't know.
That nothing unexpected interferes with the show, sings Jubes, looking at a puddle, then glaring at Hank.
"Oh, sorry, I forgot I was your monkey slave", says Hank.
He sighs, taking off his scarf for Jubes to step on to get into the carriage as the couple sing in unison.
And that's why everything.
Every last little thing
Every single, tiny, microscopic little thing must go
Jubes sticks a top hat on Hank's head as she hides the fishmonger signs on the carriage.
According to plan
Our son will be married
According to plan
Our family carried
Lancitty blinks boredly at them as they sign in unison.
Elevated to the heights of society
"……I feel so used", sniffs Scott from his window.
"I know, it's awful, in'it?", says Pyro, watching as Bobby and Jubes dance around randomly, "okay then"
To the costumed balls
In the hallowed halls
Rubbing elbows with the finest
"You ARE using me!", blinks Scott, "You evil…people!"
Having crumpets with Her Highness
None of them notices Lucas sneakily watching from a corner, who winces as they sing in unison again.
We'll be there
We'll be seen
Having tea with the queen
We'll forget everything
That we've ever, ever been
Jubes climbs into the carriage, getting stuck in the door.
"It's my dress, it's caught!", she snaps, even if it's clearly not her dress which is the problem, "…are you insinuating I'm fat!"
"You have gained a few pounds", says Pyro, "or seven"
Bobby and Hank reluctantly try to lever Jubes in, all the while her claiming it's her dress, and not her.
"Where is Scott?", snaps Jubes, "We might be late!"
"Annnd cut!", says Pyro, "wow this musical number is huge, it spans two acts!"
&&&&
If he knows what's good for him, he's hiding. Do review. Until next time…