Harry's answering machine:
Harry's answering machine:
(Inspired by the Dresden Files TV show)
Things found on Harry Dresden's answering machine:
The Dresden Files belong to The SciFi Channel and to Jim Butcher.
Originally I had published this in two parts with a an out going message on Harry's machine very similar to one I had read a long time ago but I could not recall where I had read it. Recently the writer of that original out going message came to me and made it very clear that they did not want me to use their out going Harry Dresden phone message or one very similar to it. It's a shame because though I could not remember them to begin with the away notice had been a considerably humourous one. I had never meant disrespect. I certainly did not want credit for what is not mine. I had just liked it very much and I apologize. I had even mistakenly started to think that perhaps the away notice I was recalling was something mentioned in the original novels but apparently I was mistaken. Unfortunately the original writer of that away notice made their opinion known in a very rude means that involved the harsh accusation of plagiarism, which is the worst thing a writer can say to another writer.
In the original 'Things left on Harry's answering machine' I had written a paragraph long disclaimer stating that the out going message was not mine but apparently that was not good enough. This was meant to be a joke. It was not even a serious fan fiction. And I never, ever steal content from anyone or deliberately take credit for anything that is not mine. I do not like the way I have been treated over a simple away message on a short answering machine that yes, I certainly would have asked permission to use if I had remembered where it came from and I certainly did make clear in the disclaimer of part one that the away notice was not mine. I had taken up a full paragraph to say so.
The Dresden Files belong to the Scifi Channel and to Jim Butcher. The jokes within this fan fiction in relation to The Dresden Files are of my imagining though I own nothing. If anyone wishes to reuse anything said in here, by all means, feel perfectly free. All I ask for is credit in the disclaimers.
So here is Things found on Harry's Answering Machine but now without the away message.
Please DO NOT take offense. I am mocking ALL of us. This is sort of if the show, show's characters, and fans all exist in the same universe. I am mocking all of us. Please do not take anything personally. Warning: The final 'message' might be inappropriate for a young reader.
This is a JOKE! None of it is real or meant to be taken seriously.
Things found on Harry Dresden's answering machine:
7:30 PM Message 1: 'Harry, this is Bianca. I know this is going to sound strange but... I can't seen to find my red silk panties. Have you seen them?'
7:32 PM Message 2: 'Dresden, this is Morgan. There have been serious fires all over the rural part of California. You haven't been to California lately, have you?'
7:40 PM Message 3: 'This is Lord Voldemort. I'm not sure if I've got the right number. I'm looking for a wizard named Harry, was orphaned as a boy, learned he was a wizard at age eleven, has a sarcastic ex-dark-wizard teacher who may or may not have had a hand in his father's death, the boy is mistrusted by the wizard government, uses a wand, has werewolf friends, the teacher with the dark past gave his life for him and died looking into his eyes, the boy hasn't been to a regular school since he was about eleven, has been tempted by dark magick... You know, you've gotta be the right Harry. I'll be over some time Thursday to kill you.'
7:40 PM Message 4: 'Dresden, this is Morgan again. I'm serious, if I find out you had anything to do with those fires- (Click)'
7:47 PM Message 5: 'This is the Circle in the Square in New York City. Terrence Mann's come down with a head cold and won't be able to be on stage until it passes. Someone told us about your uhh... roommate. Long story short, mind if we borrow your haunted skull for about a week?'
8:00 PM Message 6: 'This is the vet's office calling. Your cat is coming down from his caffeine withdrawals. Please refrain from feeding him anymore soft drinks and or coffee.'
8:05 PM Message 7: 'Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden, this is Fanboy102 of The Dresden-rocks forum on the NerdNet. Anyway, we're trying to figure out how you got a middle name from a magician who hadn't started using the name Copperfield until at last four years after you were born. Okay, bye.'
8:11 PM Message 8: 'Fanboy again. Quick question... When you were talking about your father that day your apartment was in Hell you said he'd been dead twenty years. 2007 is not twenty years after 1982. It's Twenty-five-years after. You're thirty-six, not thirty. So nice try lying about your age.'
8:12 PM Message 9: (Random screaming teenage girl) 'FREE BOB! FREE BOB NOW! Like, there's no way he could ever've been evil and some junk. 'Cause you know, he'd have been like- you know- a soci-o-path-thingy, 'cause I read a book once. And there's no way my sweet Bobby-kins could be a sociopath. He didn't have an addiction, naw-aw. That's not possible. HE WAS NOT ADDICTED TO BLACK MAGICK! I've got a manifesto to prove it. Lies, lies, you're all lying. He's lying! The High Council lies! EVERYONE LIES BUT ME! 'Cause reforming doesn't make sense!! He can't have been bad, not ever! NEVER EVER! EVER! IT'S NOT TRUE!! ...I'm gonna take my medication now...'
8:17 PM Message 10: 'Hello, this is Tim Curry. Anyway, I've got something to say to the ghost. They think I look younger than you. Haha! It's all in the hair. (Short pause) WHAT?! They want me to do how many more weeks of Spamalot? Bloody Hell... (Click)'
8:17 PM Message 11: 'Mr. Dresden, this is Butters down at the morgue. It turns out your tea cup is carrying seventy five different forms of bacteria and seventeen viriuses. And some sort of organism I don't think originated on this planet... So... Uh... It sort of looks like it was your tea that killed him...'
8: 21 PM Message 12: 'Dresden, this is Ancient Mai calling. Would you tell that crazed woman whose been stalking me that I'm NOT Winifred! Where do they get these ideas?!'
8: 25 PM Message 13: ' (Long exasperated sigh) This is Terrence Mann... again. Look, I just got word that some nuts got it into their heads to cut off my head to make a prop skull look more accurate. You know, they don't pay me enough for this! I'm gonna ask them for a raise. Maybe I can get them to double it. Let's see... Two dollars an hour doubled... Well, if they threw in more coffee... (Click)'
8: 30 PM Message 14: 'This is Sally Milton, I'm a representative of Amazon dot com. STOP ENCHANTING OUR POLLS TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK BETTER!'
9: 45 PM Message 15: 'Hi, this is Mary from the Hrothbert's Harem fan group. Can we borrow the skull? We just wanna rub it... and polish it... And take it to bed...'
9: 50 PM Message 16: 'This is Justin Morningway extra-lite. I'm a copy of a copy so I'm not quite as sharp as the original and was wondering... Ooh, that's shiny!' (Click.)
10: 01 PM Message 17: '(Constant giggiling and then a young woman's voice) 'Hi, we're with the SkullBoyLove group on Live Journal and we were wondering if you and Bob were... well, you know...'
11: 00 PM Message 18: '(Stoned teenager) Woooah. He's real. Dude, he's real!'
11: 01 PM Message 19: 'This is Hot Topic calling. Someone ordered twelve dark gray robes under the name "High Council" said you'd pick up the order.'
11: 02 PM Message 20: 'Dresden, this is Ancient Mai. You'd better pick up our new robes.'
11: 03 PM Message 21: '(More giggles and then a young woman's voice) 'This is Susan from SkullBoylove on livejournal. Anyway, we know you like to drink tea. Do you and Bob like "Tea bags." I can imagine you have a lot of fun with "Tea bags." Do you like the taste of "Tea" in "Tea bags"?' (Small voice in the background) 'I don't get it...'
(Seventeen calls from Murphy demandning that Harry pick up his phone).
12: 00 AM Message 38: 'Dresden, this is the Good Will. We know you've been stealing clothes from us again.'
12: 15 AM Message 39: 'Dresden, this is your Land Lord. If the ghost doesn't start paying rent you're both going to have to get out.'
1: 09 AM Message 40: 'This is your mechanic. Are you EVER going to pick up your Beetle?'
2: 13 AM Message 41: 'Dresden, This is Ancient Mai, thanks to you telling a bunch of teenagers about the HIGH Council they think they can buy pot from us. Thanks to you a centuries old organization is going to have to rename itself!
3: 15 AM Message 42: Mr. Dresden, I'm Nick Knight from the Angsty Supernatural Society. We have such members as Methos the immortal, Angel... cheap little rip off, Baranbas Collins, the Incredible Hulk... Anyway, we just thought you might like to join our litlte organization.
3: 17 AM Message 43: (Morningway Extra-lite again) 'Hehe, Re-dial's fun!'
3: 30 AM: Message 44: 'Molder, it's Dana, I wanted to tell you... Whoopse, wrong number. (Click) '
(Six calls from Justin extra-lite playing with re-dial.)
5: 35 AM Message 50: 'This is Bonnie Hammer from the SciFi Channel. We're not gonna do a Season 2 after all. Now, Mr. Desden would you mind bending over for us, point your toes inward, relax your msucles. Now shut your eyes and take it like a man. Then we'll promptly do this to all the fans of the TV series.'
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Things found on Harry's Answering Machine 2:
7:30 PM Message 1: (It was a screaming woman) 'AAGGHHHHH! You are NOT Harry Dresden! You can't be! I did the measuring and you're a whole 3.5 inches too short! You're short! You're very short! THOSE THERE INCHES ARE IMPORTANT! You're not at all the way I imagined. Hey, you know, seriously, the guy who played Lurch in Adams Family might work better.'
7:32 PM Message 2: 'Dresden, this is Ancient Mai. I think your ghost might be the creepy cop in the movie Red Hook...'
7:40 PM Message 3: 'Yeah, I'm looking for a Mr.. er... (A woman clearly having trouble with the soft, nearly silent h in the name Hrothbert) Ha-Roth-bert, WE are the moderators of The Skull-boy-love grou
p on livejournal and WE would like to inform you that WE have found you forgot a comma in one of your fan fictions so rather than wait for you to correct the typo WE have decided to remove all of your fan fiction from our archives and decree that they're spam. WE have a one strike you're out policy and so WE shall be discussing your fate as soon a WE are done watching House. WE also came to determine that your fan fictions were not errotic enough. (There was a small pause and another hushed voice whispering to the other.) Correction, WE have determined that your fan fictions are too errotic. This has nothing to do with the fact that WE were a closely knit group of teenage girls who got weirded out when someone new decided to join us. Not at all! And don't you try running to the other mods to tell them how I'm- I mean WE'RE- treating you. You can't turn US against each other! WE act as a collective! WE decided this as a group. ... And no, WE are not the borg. So uh... Yeah. WE're terminating your membership with US! ... Have a nice day. (Click)'
7:40 PM Message 4: 'This is IHaveNoLife from the Scifi Channel Dresden Files forum. I was reading Bob's skull. Uhh... Better not to ask how I got a hold of it. Anyway, if you read the Futhark runes from the axe wound upward it says "A necessary pain followed by selflessness and reflection will lead to rebirth, progress, light and finally spiritual ascension." So if you're ghost is really, really good he'll be able to move on.'
7:47 PM Message 5: 'This is NBC Universal, instead of wasting our time with a show that actually has a fan base we've decided to buy BBC's Merlin which is actually the most poorly written show the BBC has made in the last thirty years but no one will notice because there are hot teenage boys with British accents! And we'll finally get the demographic we originally hoped for... we hope.'
8:00 PM Message 6: 'This is the SciFi Channel, rather than continue The Dresden Files and it's many unfulfilled plots we've decided to resurrect a three years dead reality show that no one liked to begin with. Why? Because it's cheap and people will watch it because there's nothing else on! And slowly their brains will melt and they'll start to think they actually love these shows and they'll watch more of them because it's cheap and their brains will completely atrophy and we'll RULE THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHA! Uh... Pretend you didn't just hear that part. Also we'll have four other new reality shows before the year's over! Mwahaha! '
8:05 PM Message 7: 'AAGHHHHHH! I'll tell you why you were canceled. You were canceled because Murphy's hair is the wrong shade. Don't you know how important that is to the plots??! How can you fight monsters and evil if Murphy's hair is wrong?!'
8:11 PM Message 8: 'This is CBS, rather than simply picking up The Dresden Files we've decided to steal the plot and retitle the show as The Mentalist. No one will be the wisder.'
8:12 PM Message 9: 'This is Gias from BBC's Merlin. Why is your ghost-slave suing me for Copyright Infringement? Wait, how do I even know how to use a phone? Damn these historical inaccuracies!'
8:17 PM Message 10: 'Dresden, this is Eric The Warden, you know, the new guy at the High Council. The High Council's received calls from Wizard parents insisting you're a bad role model. I know you're already well read, can read and translate Latin and French, have traveled the world, are well read, got a homeschooling equivalent of graduating Hogwarts, have a steady job and source of income but they're saying you'll be better off with a GED because somehow it'll do you good... somehow... '
8:17 PM Message 11: 'Harry, it's Thomas. Can I be on your show? Please?! Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Huh? Can I? Can I? Please? ... Damn it! You're already canceled?!'
8: 21 PM Message 12: 'Mr. Dresden, I represent the band Coldplay. And about Mr. Bainbridge's infirmary, the song 42 is not about him. It WAS based on a Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy reference.. we think...'
8: 25 PM Message 13: 'This is Mike from the Scifi Channel. Listen, we're gonna tell Variety Magazine that the Scifi Channel was the worst commercial failure and we're just going to ignore the award nominations, the high ratings, the cult following and we'll pretend we never made shows like Flash Gordan and Painkiller Jane. We're going to convince everyone that The Dresden Files was a HUGE mistake and the worst thing we ever did and all you've gotta do is play along. That all right with you? Good. (Click)'
8: 30 PM Message 14: 'This is Mrs. Greenbacks from IMVU. Why is it an RP community centred around The Dresden Files TV show characters at a Haunted inn has now become the most popular RP community of IMVU? I mean... How does this make sense? We were told the show was a failure. And this group has 343 members and it was only founded about three months ago! Our public rooms are only supposed to be able to hold ten people at a time!'
9: 45 PM Message 15: 'Dresden, this is Ancient Mai. Why do I suspect it was you who chained the sign on my door to read "Ancient Mai-o-naise?'