Hey guys! This is my first fanfic in a while... I hope you like it!

No one knew what they were. Not even they knew, but what Eli and Drew did know is that they were keeping it a secret.

Eli didn't know exactly how the secrecy made him feel but he knew he loved Drew and being with him was all he wanted, even if it had to be hidden away. However, he longed to share their love with the world. Scream it out to the heavens, because he knew being ashamed was like letting the world win. Drew on the other hand, seemed as if he was letting himself lose.

When it came to Eli's life, Drew was everything and nothing. They knew they needed each other, and they liked the way their lips connected or how beautiful pure silence sounded when they just looked in each other's eyes, but Drew didn't like to admit he was with a boy. He didn't want the world to know he was in love with Eli Goldsworthy and that's what drove Eli crazy sometimes. Because how can you have something so perfect, so beautiful and not want to show it to the world? It was obvious that Drew didn't think like Eli did. That's why they fought so often. It was like they could never agree on anything. Eli knew how hard it was, and he knew he should probably end things, but he'd miss Drew's strong arms wrapped around his waist when they kissed, the smell of his cologne that was permanently stuck on every article of clothing Drew owned, the way they could just stop and breathe.

Eli loved Drew with all his heart and he knew Drew felt the same; it went without saying, but sometimes words are what keep you together. Eli couldn't tell if Drew thought he didn't have to say it, if he was scared, or if he was ashamed. Then, Eli would go crazy again. He couldn't think of Drew; the pain in his heart was just so cold.

Drew would hold him when he cried. He'd hold him when he knew Eli couldn't take much more of it, of everything around him. His shirt would be soaked in tears but he didn't really mind. Merely Eli's presence was worth more than anything he could ever own. He thought for a second, debating in his head whether or not he should say it.

He doesn't.

Eli's nights were usually quiet, the only sounds being the clicks of his fingers slamming onto his keyboard, and muffled voices and music downstairs.

Eli's phone rang; it was Drew. He didn't bother to pick up, because every phone conversation was always the same. Drew probably wanted to have sex with him. He wanted to convince Eli to sneak out, come through his back door, all so he can fuck him without meaning.

Drew must have called 10 times before the black haired boy finally picked up.

"No." Eli spat Ito the phone.

"You don't even know what I'm going to say." Drew argued. Eli rolled his eyes, letting out an annoyed huff.

"Yes I do, Drew." He insisted. "You want sex don't you?" Eli awaited and answer, but didn't receive one. "So I was right then?" Again he didn't get an answer. The anger took over him as he hung up on Drew and threw his phone across his small bedroom.

Why did he let Drew make him feel this way? Eli didn't really know. He didn't understand why his heart and his brain could never agree. It was like there was a constant battle going on within him. One that he couldn't control. He hated not being able to control something he had started himself. It started the moment he muttered a shy "hello" to Drew the day they met. If he just walked away and never said a word he wouldn't have been feeling so terrible at that moment. But he also would've never known how good Drew could make him feel when they touched, when they collided. Then again, maybe he was better off clueless.

Drew was lying on his bed with his hands over his face.

"Why am I so stupid...?" He asked himself. 'Why didn't I answer him?' 'Why couldn't I form the words?' Those thoughts of confusion and regret spiraled through his mind; they were coming from his broken heart. Eli had never used that tone of voice with him. Ever. 'Maybe it's really over this time,' he thought. A tear rolled down his cheek at the thought of never touching Eli again. Never being able to breathe in his scent as they held each other. Drew would miss everything about the younger boy, he couldn't live without him.

Drew sat up and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He dragged himself over to the mirror hanging on his wall, looking himself straight in the eyes.

"You're an idiot." He told himself. "You ruin everything good in your life. Not that you deserve any of it." He wiped away another tear and sniffed. "You're useless. You're worthless. You're a fucking jerk and you hurt everyone you love."

Love. There's that word he could never get to escape his lips when it came to Eli. It's just that little word that could've kept them together, but Drew was a coward and he knew it. He knew he could never make Eli happy enough to keep him and it chilled Drew to the bone.

Loving Eli was a new feeling. One that he hadn't felt with Katie or Bianca. It was like he finally felt as if he truly belonged... So why did he keep letting Eli slip through his fingers? He was stupid that's why. He's dumb, an idiot, retarded. He's all those words that were spat at him from the kids from elementary school. Those kids he'd never see again... They're words still lingered in the back of his mind. They drove him crazy.

And then his mind would wander back to Eli and he'd feel at peace. He'd smile to himself and remember he was loved. But now he'd ruined everything. He had no one to lean on when his thoughts got the better of him and he just wanted to cry. He had no one to tell him he was strong, that he was beautiful, and smart, and best of all, loved. Loved by the dark haired boy who would hold him and tell him he was safe.

But he wasn't safe anymore. He was in danger; vulnerable to the world around him. And so was Eli.

He's exposed Eli to a dark place. The place he was before they got together. Drew had saved him before but maybe it was too late.

Drew looked up at himself again. "Don't you dare." He said to himself sternly. "Don't you dare let Eli try that again."

Suicide. That word pierced through his brain as he remembered that night. He kept trying to forget the events of that terrible night but it was always there. That night his phone rang and he was told Eli was in the hospital after his father found him dying on the bathroom floor. It was after Drew told him he didn't need him. Drew remembered when Eli came to he started to cry. He cried into his boyfriend's lap and told him he was sorry and that he needed him in his life and never wanted him to go. The word "love" was never exchanged and Drew regretted it every day.

Drew couldn't let it happen again. He needed to know Eli was ok. He picked up him phone and dialed Eli's number; it went straight to voicemail. Maybe it was paranoia, but Drew felt a his heart jump to his throat, choking him. He couldn't breathe. He gasped for air and ran down the stairs. He grabbed a pair of shoes and slipped them on as he practically jumped into his mom's car. He definitely exceeded the speed limit as he raced to Eli's house. Luckily he wasn't caught, he didn't time to get a ticket right now; time was of the essence. Drew parked in front of the younger boys house. His eyes locked on Eli's dimly lighted bedroom window. 'He's home' he thought. Drew made his way out of his car and peered through the bottom floor window. "Damn it," He breathed as he saw Bullfrog and CeCe talking and laughing on the first floor. The front door was out of the question. Drew tilted his head up to examine the tree by Eli's window. 'Looks like I'll be climbing up...'

Drew clutched the lowest branch on the tree and lifted himself so he could place his feet on another, from there he climbed the tree as fast as he could until he reached the window. Lucky for him it was already open. He stuck his leg through the opening then shrunk down to squeeze through the small window. When he looked inside Eli was standing on the other side of the room; bat in hand, ready to swing at an incoming predator. Drew sighed in relief when he saw his boyfriend standing there. He jumped off the windowsill and walked over to Eli.

"What are you doing here?" Eli asked, setting the bat down to rest against the wall. Drew didn't answer him, he just grabbed the sides of Eli's face and pressed his lips onto the other boy's. Eli hesitantly kissed back, placing a hand on Drew's chest.

"Thank god you're ok..." Drew said once he'd pulled away. Eli gave him a confused look.

"Of course I'm ok... Why wouldn't I be?" He asked. Drew sighed and sat on the edge of Eli's bed. Eli was quick to copy his action.

"I was scared Eli." Explained Drew.

"Scared of what...?" Eli obviously didn't understand. Or maybe he did and he just didn't want to remember that night. Not that he could remember much of it anyway.

"I knew I hurt you, Eli. I even hurt myself... I called and it went straight to voicemail. I was scared that... You tried again. I couldn't live with myself if you did. I can barely live with myself now."

Eli looked down at his hands. He squeezed them together, and then stood up. "But why do you care Drew? I'm just a toy to you right? Just a sex object for you to play around with?"

Drew gaped at Eli's words. He stood up and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, Eli." He placed a hand on Eli's cheek and looked in his chocolate brown eyes. "I'm so sorry I ever made you feel that way." Drew caressed the boy's cheek with his thumb. "You're so beautiful." He breathed. "I love you so much Eli Goldsworthy. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you an I'm sorry I didn't say it before. I was scared..."

"Of what?" Eli asked, a tear rolling down his cheek. He couldn't help but cry, because it was happening. Drew loved him. He really did.

Drew sighed and chuckled. "New feelings? What others would think? I don't know. It was stupid. You're nothing to be ashamed of. I'm the luckiest guy it the world to have you and I love every minute in with you."

Eli wrapped his arms around Drew's neck and kissed him hard. Hard enough to bruise him, but neither boy cared.

Eli broke the kiss and placed his forehead upon Drew's, looking into his big brown eyes.

"I love you so much." Eli whispered.

Drew pecked him on the lips "I love you too..."

Drew remembered all the times he felt like he was going crazy and he finally knew why. It was because he was tired of secrecy. The idea of keeping his relationship under wraps was growing stale and pointless and he realized he needed purpose to go on. And now he had one. So he could hold Eli's hand and close his eyes when he rested his tired head on Eli's shoulder. Secrecy isn't the way to live. Drew gets it now. He gets why Eli cried at night. Why he longed for an "I love you" so he could get through the day. Drew knows he should've said it sooner, but secrecy kept him silent. But they get it now. They all do. They get why Drew always looked at Eli in lust, or why he daydreamed in the middle of conversations. Now they know. He was in love.

I hope you enjoyed this! I've been working on it for a while, sine the end of May I think...

Please review! xx