Title: The Start of Something True Blue!
Rating: T
Disclaimer: If we owned HSM, it could only be shown at midnight on a foreign language channel!
Warning: Real Australians do not (often) speak or act like this in real life.
Summary: What do you get when you cross four Aussie girls, a shared HSM obsession, an all day wait at the HSM3 premiere, and a wish to rebel against the Americanisation of the internet? A retelling of HSM with a distinctly Australian flavour, that's what!
A/N: So here it is. The much anticipated co-write between Ellie (AussieEllie), Kylie (CJ. xox. Dancerella) Karen (karenefron) and myself – otherwise known as Team EkkaDekka. This was written whilst waiting from 7am-6pm at the Sydney HSM3 premiere to meet Zac, Vanessa, Ashley and Kenny and is the result off too much sugar, excitement, anticipation and a strange urge to rebel against American culture.
We don't think it needs much more of an explanation (if you are completely lost and feel like you need a stiff drink after reading this, there is a dictionary at the end!) If you're still confused about any of the lingo (that's language!), PM one of us! (Probably Karen. She is the self confessed bogan.)
Oh, the lyrics are to be sung to the tune of The Start of Something New which we hope you are all familiar with.
Please enjoy – The Start of Something True Blue, aka the first scene of HSM, Aussie Style!
It was 9pm and the hot outback sun was setting over Uluru. The ochre sky was ablaze with the embers of the dying desert sun. In the comparative cool of the evening the kangaroos bounded towards the billabong to wet their whistle before heading off for a camp.
Across the dusty plain a few k's, there was a bunch of tents plonked in the middle of nowhere. Gabriella was stretched out on her swag, flicking through her Dolly mag. She was totally chicken about attending the shin dig for New Years Eve and had told her mum all kinds of porky pies to get out of it, but her mum chucked a mental and said she was gonna give her a clip over the ear if she didn't rock up.
On the other side of the flat Troy and his dad were kicking around a footy.
'That's ace, matey," Jack said. "Just remember, for the grand final, I want you to take it straight down the guts. I don't wanna see you kick a banana. Hands straight, lace out, straight through the sticks. Get that through your noggin right now."
"Too right," Troy said to his old man.
Jack's old cheese turned up then, hands on hips, carrying her thongs in one hand. "Oi!" she said. "You lot gonna get your bums in the shower or what? This knees up is sposed to start shortly,"
"Aw," Troy whined. "Just one more kick mum,"
"Orrite," she agreed. "But get back and get cleaned up soon or I'll tan your hide."
Troy kicked a perfect goal between the two wheelie bins posing as goalposts. "Beauty!" he exclaimed.
An hour later, dressed in his best RM Williams gear, Troy's mini-walkabout around the camp ended at the gum tree clearing. It was circled by Holden Utes with eskies full of VB and Bundy Rum. A mob of derro's were doing circle work in the dust and he wrinkled his nose in disgust. Instead, he turned towards the campfire and grabbed a snag with a bit of dead horse.
His interest was piqued by an impromptu burst of song from a crowd standing off in the semi dark under a coolabah tree. A bogan couple in stubbies and thongs were just wrapping up a rousing chorus of 'Waltzing Matilda' before they collapsed, totally parro.
A bloke in flanno's and rugger's clapped his hands and cheered loudly. "Righty-oh, fella's. Reckon it's about time we got a couple of lookers up here!"
The crowd cheered in response.
"Right then!" he said. "Any volunteers? Any of you rugrats wanna give it a whirl?"
Troy looked away in embarrassment. No volunteers were forthcoming.
Someone jumped in their ute just at that moment and flicked on their spotties. Troy blinked and stood there like a stunned mullet.
"Young fella!" the bloke in the flanno's bellowed. "You'll do! Up ya come!"
Troy kicked the dirt in front of him. "Aw, I'll be right. Not really my cuppa tea."
"She's apples, mate," the man assured him. "You'll be right."
Unwillingly, Troy moved towards the campfire.
"Reckon you might wanna get up on the back of the ute? "
Troy looked aghast. "Fair suck of the sav, mate. That's taking it a bit far!"
"Nonsense," the bloke replied. "Get up there, ya silly galah."
Without giving Troy time to respond, he turned back to the mob behind him.
"We just need a sheila to join the young fella now," he announced. "Who's the lucky bugger gunna be?"
Just at that moment, Gabriella happened to wander into the crowd. She tripped on a large goanna that was snoozing under a tree and stumbled into the pool of light from the spotties.
The man looked at her appraisingly. "You'll do, luvvy. Way you go."
Troy looked the new sheila up and down. "Shit, you scrub up all right," he commented as he helped her up on to the back of the ute.
"Oh, rack off, you don't even know me, mate!" Gabriella retorted, but then paused to add contemplatively. "But you're a bit of all right yourself."
Some bloke started strumming on his banjo and Troy started to sing.
"Livin' in mum's granny flat,
I didn't understand,
That anythin' can happen,
In this sunburned land."
Gabriella took a deep breath before she began to sing the next verse.
"I never believed in,
Soapie love on TV.
I never opened my purse,
For a Home and Away DVD."
Troy's voice joined hers as they continued to sing together.
"I know, koalas are gray,
But I've never felt this way,
And right here tonight,
This could be the start of something true blue,
It's really beaut, to be here with you,
Oh-oh.
And now looking at your rack,
I wanna jump in the sa-aack,
The start of something true blue."
Troy dropped to his knees and sang dramatically to Gabriella.
"I never knew some random sheila could ever do this to me.
I never felt this before but I'm so horny-yyyyyyyy oh-oh-oooooh!!!!!
It's the start of something true blue,
It's really beaut, to be here with you, oh oh.
And now lookin' at your rack
I wanna jump in the sa-aack...
The start of something true blue."
Gabriella and Troy's final note hung in the sticky desert air as they turned to look at each other.
"Name's Troy," Troy said, extending his hand.
"Gabs," Gabriella answered.
"So... um... wanna go grab a Lammo?" Troy asked.
"Orrite," Gabriella replied. "Chuck on the billy for a hot choccie and it's a done deal."
Troy grinned. "Done like a dog's dinner."
"Bloody oath," Gabriella winked.
Ten minutes later, the hot chocolate plan had gone to shit and Troy and Gabriella wound up behind the dunnies, going for broke. They'd started pashing madly, Troy's hands liberally groping at Gabriella's bum and tits. Gabriella was reciprocating eagerly, her fingers toying with the fly of his pants.
"Got a franger?" Gabriella gasped, her chest heaving.
"Nah...but no worries, she'll be right!" Troy assured her.
"Fuck off – you got a few kangaroo's loose in the top paddock, bucko!" Gabriella exclaimed. "I'm not turning into some dole bludging single mum!
Troy did his best to convince her, but she just gave him the flick. She pissed off back to her tent, calling out to him over her shoulder.
"Bad luck, princess!"
Troy was left standing there, stumped. "Buggered if I know what these flippin' sheila's want," he muttered to himself, turning around to trundle off to his tent on his Pat Malone. He'd always considered himself as bright as a box of budgies, but this 'Gabs' character had left him up shit creek without a paddle.
Troy glanced down to where his fly was still undone and sighed dreamily.
"Gabs..."
Author's Note: Will Troy be left without a paddle forevermore? Will he ever find a franger? If you want to find out, review and demand we continue with this insanity.
Oh, and as promised... your translation guide.
AN AUSSIE DICTIONARY
Wet their whistle – Have a drink
K's – Kilometres (tool of the metric system, comparable to miles)
Swag – Sleeping bag
Dolly mag – An Aussie teen magazine
Shin dig – Party
Porky pies – Lies
Straight through the sticks – Through the goal
Old cheese – Wife
Knees up – Party/gathering
Tan your hides – smack your bums
Wheelie bins – Trash cans on wheels
Derro's – Derelict, homeless people, bums.
Snag and dead horse – Sausage with tomato sauce
Bogan – Country people, really Aussie
Parro – Drunk
Flanno's and ruggers – Flannelette shirts and rugby shorts
Spottie's – Spot lights/head lights
Silly galah – Stupid person
Sheila – Girl
Scrub up all right – Look really good
Soapie – Soap opera, trashy TV.
Home and Away – An Aussie Soapie
Rack – Body/Chest/Boobs/Abs
Sack – Bed
Lammo – Lamington. An Aussie cake. Vanilla sponge cake, dipped in chocolate and covered in coconut. Google it.
Billy – Used to boil water when camping
Hot Choccie – Hot Chocolate
Dunnies – Toilets
Going for broke – Completely going at it
Franger – Condom
Few Kangaroo's loose in the top paddock – Insane, crazy
Pat Malone – On his own
Done like a dogs dinner - Done deal
Fair suck of the sav - Fair go, easy going
Buggered if I know what these flippin' shelia's want! - I have no idea what these girls want