Yay another completely originalfic brought to you by me at two in the morning. Yay!
Inspiration: I randomly got the idea a few minutes ago when I imagined Tom saying something about "Our movie" and Alex going "Our movie? You didn't even have a part!" and Tom then punches him.
Disclaimer: Because I totally wrote the books. Wait... who's Anthony Horowitz? ...Oh. I'm gonna go cry now.
This chapter is dedicatedto... Matt (a clarinetist in the band) because if he hadn't of had a birthday party, I wouldn't be on a Dr. Pepper high right now. His present was cork grease. Tehe.
The doorbell of the Rider residence chimed at exactly six o'clock. It was nearly dark outside, being winter and all, the sun had sunk below the horizon. Alex handed the bowl of popcorn he was filling to Jack and answered the door.
Alan Blunt and Tulip Jones were the first to arrive at Alex's house. He hadn't seen them since the debriefing from Cornwall a week ago. Alex sighed, not expecting anything less than then being perfectly punctual.
Herod Sayle was the next to show up, earning immediate distrust from all present parties. Along with him came Nadia Vole and Mr. Grin.
Tom was the last to arrive, as was his usual behavior. With a grin, he plopped himself onto the remaining chair, leaving Alex to squeeze next to Nadia.
"Is everyone here?" Alex asked and did a quick head count to make sure.
"Can't forget me, old chap," Smithers waddled into the room and sat himself next to Jack, making the couch extremely squished. Mr. Grin decided to sit on the floor instead.
"I didn't, don't worry," Alex assured him. Alex got up to pop the disc into the DVD player and returned to his spot after grabbing a coke from the pile of food and drinks on the coffee table.
Jack, the ultimate controller of the remote, pressed 'play' and the movie started. A series of ads ran before the Stormbreaker logo came onto the screen.
"That's retarded!" Alex cried, disliking the movie already. "Never have I ever gotten a badge that says 'secret agent.' It's like a freebie for your enemy to tie you up and try to kill you."
"That's why we don't issue any badges," Blunt, somewhat unhelpfully, interjected.
"Shhh!" Sayle said. "It's bliddy starting."
"Oh my God, I bet that was me!" Tom cried when some kid who was not Alex looked up when Alex's name was called.
"Shut up!" Almost the entire room chorused. Only Mr. Grin said "Urrgh Uh!"
The movie Alex took the podium and began to read a narrative about his family after unhelpfully checking his folder to make sure there was something there.
"Blowing up a plant is definitely the way to remain inconspicuous," Alex muttered after what was going on with movie-Ian completely contradicted movie-Alex's narrative.
"Ian never told me he was a magician..." Jack giggled after he disappeared from under a boat and magically appeared in his car. "Ah what a pun!" she was laughing now at the 'easy man to pin down' pun. "And what's with the license plate?"
"Because those are totally our school uniforms," Tom commented dryly. "I can only wish."
"I sound whiny!" Alex whined. "And it's really dumb that Ian would turn his music up like that to be totally oblivious to a chopper as he's running from some goons."
"Sorry I'm late," Yassen called, strolling in through the door. "Woah, is that me?" he asked as his movie counterpart dangled from wires attached to his feet to shoot Ian. "Because if that could be at all plausible, it's actually be somewhat fun."
Everyone stared at him for a while before turning back to the movie.
"Sorry, mate, but this is the best part of the movie so far," Tom said as the song played with the areal view of London.
"I do like the song," Jack agreed before dipping a chip into some of her homemade dip. "OH MY GOD MY HAIR!!!!" She shrieked. Alas, her red hair didn't match with her movie characters. "And since when do I know Japanese?!? And why do I have such gross, generic lines?!?! Woe is me! My life is a Shakespeare tragedy!"
Everyone ignored her and watched as the scene suddenly switched from epilepsy on Alex's face to Alex looking all snazzy with gross hair.
"My watch isn't that big," Alex said. Tom snickered.
"My hair seriously isn't that terrible-looking," Mrs. Jones said dryly, commenting for the first time.
Alex pointedly didn't answer her.
"It seems my movie counterpart has Parkinson's Disease. Pity." Alan Blunt, surprisingly, looked better in life than on the screen. That though made Alex snicker.
Alex snorted. "Blunt, your office is gloomier than the cemetery."
Blunt chose to ignore the comment a leave his gaze on the screen. They continued watching the movie for a while, pointing out the obvious flaws in the movie.
"It would have been a heck of a lot easier to get out of the mangled car if there had been a freaking ejection option. But nooooo. I lose a shoe. What isn't my shoe gone in the movie?!?" Alex complained before stuffing his face with popcorn.
"Because it's so completely easy to beat five macho guys in a fight with a rope..." Alex muttered darkly.
"What exactly happened to the whole concept of a bank?" Jack asked as the whole photo booth thing happened.
"And why am I jumping with every flash?" Alex asked.
"This isn't over-the-top or anything," Blunt commented. Alex was surprised, that was the first time he had ever heard the man use sarcasm.
"Somehow, letting me go into Ian's office via the window and then being shot by a stun dart and taken away to Brecon Beacons by force is much more interesting," Alex rolled his eyes, totally infuriated with his movie character.
"That whole confrontation was completely dumb and I just look like an idiot standing there with my fists way too close to my body for proper self-defense." Alex continued to comment. Occasionally people would throw in their input, but mostly it was silent.
Tom snorted at the whole 'head toss' thing Alex had going when he fell into the lake.
Alex rolled his eyes. Everything about the SAS camp was completely retarded, that he couldn't even begin to start ranting on it before the entire room shushed him and Mr. Grin said, "Heeeerg!"
"WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING BLIDDY BALD?!?!" Herod burst out.
"We all look different," Mrs. Jones reminded him.
"At least they got your bliddyname right! What kind of name is Darrius?"
"What kind of name is Herod?" Tom put in.
"What kind of name is Tom?"
"A normal kind."
---
Smithers had been quiet most of the time, that is, until he got to his big scene. "Working in a toy shop? No! And my character looks like a old fart and not myself at all. No sir! I am leaving. Because Sodium Penthol is like a truth serum, not a controller, there was too much zit cream on the truck, and I did not give Alex a parachute."
"Not to mention I got a Gameboy color, not a Nintendo DS."
Smithers left the room to go brood and create more gadgets.
---
Nadia Vole glared at her character. "I did not drive the boy to the compound. Hmph."
---
"My dear Man-of-War is not that ugly!"
---
"When did that line ever happen?" Alex asked about being to young to die.
"It didn't," Herod assured Alex.
---
"Eeeeeerg!"
"Lucky you, at least you're in bliddy character!" Herod told Mr. Grin. "And not to mention they got your bliddy name right. And your amount of bliddyhair. And your accent and your life's project. But noooo, they had to warp not only my entire character, but also my bliddy work and make it into some dumb virtual reality thing."
Alex glared at his character. "Like that wasn't a dead giveaway or anything. Seriously. Do these movie producers think I'm that dumb?"
---
"Wow, my character is a jerk," Jack commented.
"And this computer is really dumb," Alex said, unimpressed.
"It wouldn't have been if they didn't warp my bliddy work."
---
"Where'd those gloves come from?" Alex pondered as his movie character jumped to a large steel beam.
"I like my character." Nadia Vole said after popping up behind Alex.
"THEY BUTCHERED MY BLIDDY PAST AS WELL!!!!!"
"Wow. I wouldn't be that dumb to take a cell phone on my mission. Especially one registered to my name."
---
When the fight scene played between Nadia Vole and Jack, Tom was the first one to start laughing. Soon, the entire room minus Nadia, Jack, and Mr. Grin was laughing hysterically. Mr. Grin was guaffing and Jack and Nadia were both glaring at the screen and twitching.
---
"It's me again!" Yassen said. "I HAVE NO ACCENT! Not to mention, the way I shot him made me look like I was afraid of seeing the guy shot!"
Yassen proceeded to rant angrily and it was already on the next scene when Alex finally asked:
"Yassen, are you drunk?"
"No."
"Then why are you being so... emotional?"
"Because the author of this is writing it at three-thirty-three in the morning and she's still on a sugar high. And because she loves me and doesn't want me to hide from the word behind blank faces and killing people. Silly bumblebee. Erg."
"My name going there was Felix, not Kevin."
"At least it's only your bliddyundercover name that they got wrong, not your whole entire LIFE!" Sayle glared at the screen once more.
"Well, my sarcastic remarks are only half-hearted and generally give a bad name to sarcasm."
"Good catch," Tom muttered to Yassen as the green-liquid-filled-cylinder went flying through the air.
"Is this movie almost over?" Blunt asked to the room. No one answered him.
Mr. Grin chucked as he spun the knives around and threw them at Alex. Everyone in the room except for Herod looked at him warily. Herod was too intent on fuming about his character and how wrong it was.
As the glass crashes down on Nadia Vole, she dies, right there in the living room. Everyone collectively scoots away from the body.
Everyone was a little too intent on the high point of the action to make very many comments on the movie. Instead, they just grunted and glared.
---
"No, I get the the taxi, not in a horse!" Alex cried.
"Since when is Sabina at all important to this?" Tom asked.
"This is all wrong!" Herod complained. "I'm supposed to shoot you and be done with it!"
---
"Aw," Herod frowned. He didn't want to be shot.
---
"The end scene kind of ruins the whole emotional 'I saved you' thing," Alex pointed out to Yassen.
"Yeah. My lines are too generic as well. And my accent is dumb. I have no accent, for the last time. Anthony Horowitz says so."
"That last scene was totally unnecessary," Tom put in.
The end credits rolled.
"Well, our movie sucked," Tom stated. Everyone nodded except for Alex and the corpses.
"Our movie?" Alex asked "You weren't even in it!" Tom grinned and playfully punched Alex in the gut.
"And now we have two dead bodies in the living room. Vole and Grin," Jack said. "We should sue," Jack said, as the nature of Americans (1).
"Agreed," Herod said.
"Wait, aren't you supposed to be dead?" Yassen asked Herod.
Herod glared. "Yes and it's your bliddy fault." With that, he died.
"Great, that makes three,"
(1) Nothing against Americans, of course. I am one.
It's now four in the morning and I'm too lazy to edit other than spell check, so please review with questions, comments, critiques, and, of course, grammar corrections!