Private Practice, by potionsmaster
Rating: T for language and medical jargon.
A/N: IT'S MASS EFFECT BIG BANG! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Hope you all enjoy! ^_^
Shout-outs and much appreciation:
~ThreeWhiskeyLunch, for being the support system/beta that was always at the ready and just as enthusiastic as me.
~to Mareel, for helping organize the jumble of ideas. And both these fine citizens for insisting on there being much more smut than initially intended. Dirty enablers, both of 'em...we loves you both for it, though, lol.
~to humblydefiant, for checking characterizations and being a sounding board. You helped it be a stronger piece all around ^_^
~to the lady of the hour, Azzy_Darling, for being there for it all with encouragement and in the 11th hour. You're absolutely amazing for your art and all that you did to make this run smoothly. Couldn't do it without such a great support system!
a href=" /darlingazzy/private-practice-made-for-potionsmaster"Link to the Playlist here/a
Summary: Ex-Navy veteran Shepard starts a new job because he's down on his luck and this fell into his lap, so he figured 'what the hey.' He and his friends play Borderlands, too. Because I need a way of getting my first franchise love in somewhere.
Chapter 1: New Beginnings
"Dude, why do we always end up back in Fyrestone? It's so far away from everything..." Joker complained through the headset. The huge berserker on Shepard's screen bolted ahead of his own character Mordecai, cackling maniacally. A derisive snort came from the third player.
"Yes, because everybody knows that you have to walk everywhere in Pandora and there definitely aren't any cars or fast travel capabilities or anything..." Garrus quipped dryly, running his own Mordecai character after Brick. Shepard was glad they had agreed early on to keep their colors different; his was black, red, and white. Garrus had his character decked out in blues and grays.
"Good music, though...Borderlands always has good music," Shepard cut in, opening a couple of containers and picking up the ammo.
"So help me God, if you pick up another bunch of shotgun ammo without telling me about it, I will shit a cow," Joker griped, running back towards Shepard on screen. Shepard responded by having his Mordecai slash Brick with his sword.
"Relax, stud, he's full up. He never uses a shotgun," Garrus responded, opening some more containers and picking up money. "And since when do you? All you do is run around screaming and punching things."
"Bitch, I might!" Joker made Brick swing back at Shepard. The screen fizzled into duel mode, Garrus running around outside the circle helplessly. Shepard immediately started circling Joker's hulking character and smacking him with his sword between pistol shots.
"RrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWHHHHH!" Brick raged as he entered berserker mode. Shepard released Bloodwing and slashed at Joker again.
"You know your cute little birdie ain't gonna do a thing to me, right? EAT FIST!"
"Yeah, but he can distract you, fucker...Damn!"
"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHH! WWWWWHHHYYYYYYYY, aaaaaauuuuggghh..." Mordecai/Shepard yelled as he went down. Mordecai/Garrus stood by, making sure Joker didn't come back to try for a cheap shot.
"What was that about your bird friend? I couldn't hear you over the sound of you dying at my hands," Joker laughed, running off after some skags outside the fence.
"Yeah, yeah..." Shepard grumbled, scrounging in piles of junk for health vials. "7 foot tall behemoth wins by going into a blood rage against a 6 foot guy who probably weighs 150 lbs soaking wet...look at you go, big man. At least Bloodwing is prettier than you."
"With guns like these? Who needs a pretty face?" Joker retorted as he pummeled skags.
"Keep thinking that," Garrus cut in, "Anyway, how are you liking your new job, Shepard?"
"It's...alright. I finally got to meet you in person," he ventured cautiously. Joker worked with Garrus in the IT department at the same orthopedic practice and had been the one to let him know about the opening in the phones/scheduling department. He had been the one to recommend John to human resources, too. Shepard never really thought of himself as exactly 'desperate', but was exceedingly glad the opportunity had come along when it did. "Lot of things to remember, though. All the doctors have different criteria they want followed and rules about when things can be scheduled. And I'm having dreams about the acronyms and insurance cards. Rx, cx, sx, tx, DNB, AMA, PCP..."
"The world couldn't contain that much awesome if we had met outside the game previously. When do you start answering calls on your own, tell me again?"
"This upcoming week; I already went through training with the supervisor and listened in to a bunch of calls. They let me actually navigate the programs used, too. It's nuts. I never knew how much utter crap went into just scheduling an appointment. Wanna do one of the DLC's?"
Brick came running back from the gully, no more skags to beat into a pulp.
"Dr. Zed's! Please can we do Dr. Zed's? I feel the need to punch zombies," Joker said. "And that's kinda par for the course, Shepard. You're used to rules and regs. You just don't have to salute and carry an actual gun for these. You'll be great. Here – peace offering." He dropped a sniper rifle at Mordecai/Shepard's feet. Shepard picked it up and brought up his menu, comparing stats.
"It's Dr. Ned's, Joker...Dr. Zed's evil twin with the taped-on mustache, remember?" Garrus pointed out. "And besides: the rules for scheduling are always kept updated and are on the intranet if you need them. I hear Dr. Anderson is pretty laid back. Dr. Solus is picky, but his wait list is huge."
Shepard toggled the fast travel network to bring them to Jakob's Cove in the game. The narrator, Marcus, launched into a new story about how zombies had taken over that section and needed to be eradicated.
"I guess that's what happens when you're the top knee and hip replacement revisionist in the state...they all have their quirks. I didn't know doctors could specifically not see certain patients. Did you guys know Dr. Lawson absolutely refuses to see any postal workers? And she requires a referral from the primary care doctor regardless of insurance."
"Huh. Guess I never really thought about it, but I suppose if they don't like seeing a certain problem, they've earned the right not to have it scheduled with them." Garrus started off down the path, sending his Bloodwing ahead to take care of any zombies. Joker toggled his berserker mode again and dashed ahead, fists smashing any undead he found.
"Dr. Alenko is one of the easier docs, though...he's general and you can pretty much put anything on him. Just have to ask him first if he's willing to see a few things," Shepard continued, opening containers and cleaning up the straggling zombies that cropped up.
"I hear him, Dr. Anderson, and Dr. Michel all don't mind much. Dr. Hackett can be pretty particular, too," Joker said, activating turrets around the overrun town. Garrus went to the bounty board and collected their missions.
"Um, only about certain things. He won't see any car accidents in litigation, but neither does Lawson. And he just sticks to the 'general' stuff. Shoulders, knees, hips. No backs, no necks, no wrists or ankles. Definitely no hands or feet," Shepard clarified as he sniped a few zombies that escaped the turrets.
"Sounds like you remember pretty well. Hey, don't pick up the brains yet! We need those for later. Think you'll have any problems?" Garrus asked."
"Naw...they gave me a cheat sheet of who sees what body part along with other stuff. It's a whole little binder they put together. It has all sorts of random info, like local hospital phone numbers, a list of pharmacies, what medications are scheduled drugs and what aren't...it's crazy."
"That's why I work IT...I get computers. That just sounds too complicated to me," Joker said. Garrus snickered over the headset at him.
"You also don't mind the fact that you work for an orthopedic practice, with all your issues...doctors all write it off, right?"
"If you had brittle bone disease, you would see what a serious incentive it is to keep the boss-man happy there. Besides, they all love me. Who do they call every time they have a network issue? Me. Who do they call whenever a fuckin' printer jams? You. There's a reason for that."
"Just because I prefer to get my hands dirty and actually re-calibrate them when they're out of alignment...would you STOP punching TK Baha in the head?! He's already undead and you can't kill him anyway!"
"...'Disease' is shortened to 'dz' and diagnosis is 'dx' for shorthand...case you ever needed to write something to the nurses," Shepard said quietly. He left the two of them bickering over who got a base level pistol and retrieved more brains.
"Dude, have you ever heard of the phrase, 'don't take your work home with you'? Because you failed. In an epic way. And besides, now I have you to talk to the nurses for me if I need an appointment or a refill. That's the whole reason why I told you about it. So I would have an inside man."
On-screen, Brick bolted straight into the thick of a massive horde and just started throwing punches left and right. Mordecai/Garrus hung back, the sharp report of his sniper echoing. "BOOM! Hehehehehehehe..." his character muttered after a particularly difficult headshot.
"Quit stealing my kills, man!"
"Awww, you mean a quick trigger finger and amazing accuracy beats out blind flailing? Do you even try to punch them in the head? That's the only way we get brains for TK," came the dry retort. Shepard laughed as he sent Bloodwing out into the fray. Mordecai/Garrus circled Brick and peppering him with pistol shots. Joker was trying to face him and to land a fist or five, but Garrus kept facing the hulking berserker's back.
"Y'know, you could learn something from this, Shepard..." Joker casually said as his character bellowed in blood rage again and charged off. "That's how you could beat me in a duel."
"I'll keep that in mind. I gotta get off, guys... Samara wants everybody in their seat and logged in by 0800 sharp. I don't want to make a bad impression," he said. Joker blew a raspberry at him over the headset.
"Fine, be that way. Though I don't know how you could make a worse impression than your second day...who the hell gets lost on their second day of work?"
"Was that why you printed a map with directions this week? Greg thought you might actually be planning to set up an AI in the servers and were working out where all the junction boxes were," Garrus said.
"Tell Overlord Adams no AI's this time; besides, he should stick to supervising the IT department, not my hobbies. And yes, I delivered it to Shepard in the crow's nest. Even Samara cracked a smile."
"She seems to take her job very seriously...though she was interested in how we knew each other before."
"Did you tell her it's because my sister had a huge crush on you and you were actually trying to get into my pants, so she would invite you over and yeah?"
"Ass. No. I told her we went to the same school growing up. You know what her response was?"
"I'll bet it was a good one," Garrus said. They could hear him shifting over the headset.
"She said, 'I'm sorry...that must have been...quite the experience for you.' It's like she knows you or something," Shepard chuckled.
"She did not!" Joker replied indignantly, "And I would throw something at you if we were in the same room."
"And then he'd have to schedule you with Dr. Massani to fix your broken arm," Garrus jabbed at him.
"I thought Doc Massani only saw kids...hey!" comprehension dawned in Joker's voice, "You want me to tell Tali that the reason her favorite purple scarf is missing is because you spilled your juice box on it and wanted to clean it for her?"
Shepard heaved a sigh.
"Alright, guys, really...I should go. They tell me Mondays are always bad in the call center and I actually want to keep this job. See you guys tomorrow. Don't get too far ahead, please."
"Byyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
"RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGHH!" Brick screamed as Mordecai/Garrus challenged him to a duel and Shepard signed off.
Kaidan sighed, rubbing the back of his wrist across his forehead as he looked at x-rays on the screen. Jack leaned over the desk, peering at the black and white image. The anterior cruciate ligament was torn clean off the tibia.
"Ouch," she said. "MRI? How the hell has this guy been walking on it so long?"
"He's been wearing a brace he got at a drug store. Put the order in to precert, please. Try to get him on in the next couple of days. I need to see if there's any meniscal damage, too. Bet you lunch it's a positive McMurray."
"Not touching that one, Doc. How'd the meeting go, by the way? Punch Anoleis in the face yet?"
He huffed a laugh at that and closed out of the program, pulling up Conrad Verner's other office notes.
"You keep putting that idea in my head, I might actually do it one of these days. It was alright. Nothing's for certain yet, but he's still trying to plan a merger with Cerberus. All I know is the Alliance Hospital skipped on their proposal and I can't see how us merging would benefit our practice. Normandy Orthopedics has a contract with Alliance and if we do a deal with Cerberus and they don't, what does that mean? I don't like it."
"My hero. Fuck Cerberus. They can all crawl in a hole and die for all I care. Why does Lawson want to consider it, anyway? She's like their fuckin' cheerleader or something."
He shrugged at her.
"I think Miranda knows the CEO. Tim? I don't know his name. I haven't had a chance to sit and talk with her about it. All I know is he makes some radical business moves and I don't agree with them. Since she's also the company president –"
"Uh...Jack?" a hesitant voice piped up from the desk.
"Just a minute, jellybean. Lemme finish this form, then I'll get to you."
Kaidan glanced over at the phone intercom display. He didn't recognize the voice. IC from John. Must be a new hire in Phones.
"Something I can help you with?"
"Um, maybe...it's really something for the nurses."
"Why don't you try me? I might be able to help."
"I gotta have her ask Dr. Alenko if it's ok to put this patient on his schedule. It's a sore lower back, PCP referral."
Kaidan grinned at his nurse and she smirked back, pen pausing over her clipboard.
"Ask him yourself. I'm busy right now."
"Ok, um. Samara said we have to go through the nurses for stuff like this, though."
"You're already talkin' to him, genius; why do you need me?"
"OH! Uh...hi...Doctor. Would you...want to...see this one?"
Jack rolled her lips inwards, trying not to laugh as she went back to her chart. Kaidan shook his head in amusement.
"Well, I dunno. Tell me a bit more about it. Do we have any x-rays or other diagnostics? How long has it been going on? How'd it happen?"
There was an uncomfortable pause and some papers being shuffled. Clearly Samara had impressed on him that they weren't supposed to bother the doctors, ever. He didn't like how unapproachable that made him seem, but with the way some of the other doctors were, he understood.
"Hang on, I – I think I have some of it here –"
"Tell you what. Do you still have them still on the phone?"
"Yeah."
"Talk to them again, ask them for the info, then ring back down. If either of us are still here, we'll tell you. If not, put it in a note and send it to Jack."
"Ok."
"Don't forget to ask about insurance! I hate when you guys don't do that; then we get a patient in the room who can't pay us anything," Jack griped at him. Kaidan rolled his eyes at her.
"Jack, don't scare the new guy. Anything else you need, John?" he asked.
"No...thanks, Doctor. I'll get what you need."
"Thanks a bunch. Nice to talk to you, John. Welcome aboard."
"You too, sir...I mean, nice to talk to you, too. You're already working here, so –"
"Hang up, we don't got all day. Places to be, people to stick with needles."
"JACK!" Kaidan said, exasperated. She held out the clipboard to him and he took it from her, glancing at the phone again. Nobody was on the other end anymore.
"What? It's true! MRI precert submitted, by the way. Super cute how nervous all the newbies are about you doctor-types."
Kaidan sighed again as he knocked on the door, then entered.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Verner! So after reviewing the images..."
Shepard leaned back in his chair and pulled his earpiece off, exhaling slowly. Samara glanced at him, then put her call on hold.
"Are you alright, John?"
"I think so. I just, uh, talked to Dr. Alenko. And Jack."
"Oh? Did something happen?"
"No! I don't think so, at least. I just had a question and he answered me directly. I wasn't expecting that."
Samara nodded, pursing her lips.
"I see. Dr. A is one of nicer ones to talk to. You'll figure out pretty quick who's available and who's not. Just don't bother the doctors unless you have no other option. And some of the nurses will try to skimp out on doing what they're supposed to. Just be persistent."
"Got it..."
She turned back to her call, leaving him still quaking in his seat. He tried the dictation room for pod 8 again, but no answer. He typed what he found in a message in the patient's chart, then forwarded it to Jack. He'd be happy if nothing else that nerve-wracking happened the rest of the day.