I Should Have Told You Before,
Written by WickedSong
Disclaimer : I do now own Glee, FOX does. I know these facts well enough and they haunt me to this day. In addition, I based this loosely off of the song Legally Blonde from (you guessed it) Legally Blonde : The Musical so I don't own that either. If you haven't heard, I wouldn't say you have to, just that it might help set the mood a little. Moreover this is canon compliant up until and including On My Way so spoiler alert for that episode and the ones preceding it. So that's all I have to say and more in my note at the end. I hope you all don't hate me after this ;)
The bags were packed and the small room looked completely bare. Sam looked around, making sure everything was in order and back to how it had been before his impromptu residence in this room only three months ago. Now it was reverted back to how he had first saw it, no pictures on the wall of his family or friends, no sheets on the bed, the drawers cleared out of his clothing. There were no books on the desk-
Wait...Sam walked over and found that under the desk was a copy of one of the books Kurt had recommended he read. Sam had taken one look at Twilight and then promptly left it somewhere he could conviently forget about it. He didn't have to read to know it simply wasn't his thing. He was touched by Kurt's kind gesture (he had done so in an attempt to give Sam something to focus on when he had been moping around because of the situation with Mercedes) but his dyslexia also made it a nightmare and he didn't feel the need to put in the time and effort he would have to for it.
I probably should return that, he thought wryly, and he would when everyone met up, where he would also announce his intention to return to Kentucky. Checking his pockets, he found he still had the key that Carole and Burt had given him when when he had moved in. That too, he remembered, noting to hand it to Kurt or Finn when he was about to leave.
Taking his bags he went down the stairs and said a goodbye to this place which had, for all intents and purposes, been his home away from home for a while. Giving one of his haphazard smiles he opened the door, closed it behind him, used his key one final time and made his way to the rustic old car his father had insisted he take when he had left Kentucky for Lima. He had been hesitant at first but his dad had insisted it was one an old friend - the same one who had managed to get him the construction job in Kentucky - had given them when they had arrived. They had their own car, one of their last material possessions and it wasn't as if they would get a good price for the old thing so it had been the perfect time to use it.
Kurt and Finn were already at Breadstix, at a dinner for Quinn who had slowly but surely almost recovered from her sudden accident on the day that Finn and Rachel were supposed to be getting married. She was to use a wheelchair for a few weeks but apart from that, and the cuts and bruises she still sported, she was looking positively towards the future. Sam was glad for this. She deserved, for all she had been through, all the good things that were surely going to come her way once she was out of Lima and her run of bad luck was a distant thing of the past.
Sam stuffed the bags into the trunk and thought again why he was doing this. Was it the best thing? To run and hide. To walk away from everything. Could he keep fighting even if it seemed as if all hope in ever having Mercedes back in his arms again was lost? The honest answer was no. He had given her her space ever since Valentine's Day. Ever since she sang that song and effectively ripped his heart out in front of everyone else. But who was he to blame her? She had shouldered all responsibility, she was trying to make her way back to him and all he had done was make it harder for her to do so.
The weeks following the accident when the possibility that Quinn might not make it was still very real they had both been distant, worrying about their friend, praying and hoping she'd fight back and she did.
Quinn fought back and even when they knew she was going to make it, when all seemed fine, they were still distant. Maybe he had tried to talk to her once or twice but he had been scared to do so, afraid that one false move and he'd be forever frozen out. He had always believed that she would meet him halfway one day. But maybe that wasn't on the cards for them this time.
Maybe, sometimes, things didn't work out that way.
He would leave, he would do what was best for the both of them. He wished that he hadn't come back, that none of this would have happened, that she wouldn't be facing a battle against herself and that he wouldn't be trying to piece together a heart that seemed to be irreperable. Getting into his car, he shook his head. You wouldn't change one moment, he taunted himself, that voice of doubt and insecurity and everything he had pushed aside growing strong, because in the end you know she loves you and the feeling is more mutual than ever before. But you're too scared to face up to it, because what if you lose her again? What if you're happy, and it's like summer and then it's autumn all over again?
He told himself to shut up.
Arriving at Breadstix, Sam saw that everyone else was already gathered. He already hated himself for what he was about to do but he couldn't feel any worse so he figured it was better to just get it over and done with. He would talk to his friends, he would laugh with them and then at the end of the night they would hug him and say goodbye but life would go on, as it had in June.
A goodbye from Sam Evans wouldn't affect anyone in that room too severely. It hadn't before.
Walking in he was greeted by Kurt who waved while laughing at something Blaine was saying. The former Warbler also noticed him. "Sam! We thought you weren't going to show up!" He looked as enthusastic about his arrival as he did about most things.
Sam gave a non commital shrug. "Sorry, I got caught up in a few things." Kurt arched an eyebrow and Sam didn't reply to his unspoken question. Looking around he spotted Finn. "Look, dude, could you grab Finn and meet me in the bathroom in a couple of minutes."
"Sam, why?"
"Just do it, please?"
Kurt sighed, standing up. "Fine."
Sam smiled and then after giving a nod to Blaine, walked over to the first person he wanted to see. Mercedes turned around and the two stood awkwardly before Sam spoke up.
"You look beautiful tonight." He never lied because she always did.
"Thanks."
Why did it feel as if there was so much still left unresolved? Why did it feel as if, even if he was leaving her, that he never actually would. Because Kentucky was his way of moving on, fixing his heart but he would find that impossible to do when part of it was still in Lima - where it had been since that late night in June he and his family had left.
"I just want you to know that-"
"Yes."
Her brown doe eyes held something - was it hope, relief, fear - what was it? He didn't know but suddenly he couldn't tell her, couldn't physically get the words out.
How could you tell the girl you love that you were walking away? How could you look into those eyes you love so much and manage to say, 'I'm leaving.' He had done it before. Why was it so hard now?
Maybe it's because it wasn't your choice last time, the voice chastised.
He shut it up for a second time.
Sam shook his head. "It's nothing. I have to go talk to Finn and Kurt, we'll talk later."
Mercedes nodded but her face gave nothing away. "I'd like that." She turned to walk into a conversation with Tina and Quinn as Sam headed towards the men's room.
"So remember that talk we had a couple of weeks ago?"
"About Mercedes and how you didn't know what to do anymore?" Finn asked.
"That very one," replied Sam as he leaned on a sink. The three boys stood, Finn by the dryer and Kurt by the door as Sam looked for the right words. It wasn't easy but easier to tell them rather than Mercedes first. "I just want to say thanks to you two. For all your help and everything you've done. Not just when I've been here but for my family before I moved and-"
"Sam, what's wrong?" Kurt asked, his voice sounding very concerned. But his face held a different look, as if he had been expecting this.
"I'm going back to Kentucky."
He waited for the shit storm and it happened well and truly. At these words, Kurt and Finn stormed out of the bathroom, leaving him to follow them awkwardly. The step-brothers stood in front of the assembled group and probably in the most irrational thing they could've done, told the entire group. This of course only caused a louder outcry of 'why', 'you just came back, dude,' and 'please don't leave again.'
The only one who remained silent was a stunned Mercedes but Sam wasn't sure why and he wasn't sure whether her silence unnerved him or made him slightly relieved. It was probably the former.
"Look guys!" Sam called over the din his friends were making. "I'm sorry I'm letting you all down, but I just want to thank you all for treating me decently, through everything my family went through."
"But Sam-"
"No buts, Brittany," he said sternly to the blonde Cheerio, who looked as if she was mentally planning a way to force Sam to stay. Whatever she would plan it wouldn't work, whether it be tying him to a chair or having an intervention with Lord Tubbington. He continued, skillfully avoiding Mercedes' eye which was actually easy considering she was the only one not looking at him, her eyes instead averted to the table, "You've all been so good to me, this group was the best thing about Lima." He wanted to add in that she was the best part but decided not to add anymore hurt to this. "Maybe someday you can all visit, during summer and you can call. I promise, I won't cut myself out of the group anymore."
"Do I need to beat your ass up?" Puck asked, standing up. "This is insane dude, freaking insane. Why would you decide this, of all times, now!"
He looked down, not wanting to see their faces when he gave his real reason. "You guys are my second family but when I moved during the summer you all made it clear that life went on without me and that's fine, that's normal." And deciding he would be forward with his feelings this time, he added, "But I came back for two reasons, Sectionals and you know who else." He didn't have to say it. Puck sat down, folding his arms. "And now, well now, there's no reason for me to stay." He turned to leave. "I'll call when I get there. I'm sorry."
With that he left. Everyone called him back but no one had the guts to follow him, because they knew that the one person who could change his mind was still sitting trying to process the news in her head.
"What about love, Sam?" Mercedes muttered, almost silently, that Rachel broke the general group silence by asking what she had said. "Why did I never mention love?" She looked up but found that he was gone. She had been so caught up in trying to speak, trying to make him stay that she had forgotten to actually say anything at all. Their timing was all screwed up all the time. Why was it only when they had found each other that he had to leave and then it was happening again. It was like a terrible cycle, one she had to put an end to.
Standing up, Mercedes pushed past Rachel and Finn to follow Sam where he had exited. But she had been too late.
His car had left as she walked outside. She wasn't sure how long she had been standing there, watching, hoping that he had a change of heart halfway there and had turned back. But no such thing ever happened. She felt arms wrap around her. "I should have made it more clear, Kurt. I-I should have told him before," she said to her friend. She shook her head and felt so stupid for the tears burning her eyes, for letting this happen again. This had happened before, right?
"Shhh," Kurt whispered in her ear, trying to lead her inside but she refused to move, just wanting him to hug her out in the cool spring night air. What was she waiting for? That last minute reunion.
That wasn't going to happen.
"He wouldn't have had to go, Kurt."
"Don't you worry, he'll be back. He always is."
But she knew he was lying to her. Because they had both been idiots, they had both done things that had ruined everything, he had waltzed back into her life after being gone, he had went after her knowing she had a boyfriend and he had been the one who he had left her again. And she had been the one who had tried to dismiss him, had tried to deny the connection she still felt, who tried to tell herself that she still didn't love him, that she never had, when that had been a lie and she had been the one who had been too scared to try again.
And now what had that left? Him driving back to Kentucky, a four hour drive where he was trying to keep tears out of his vision as he concentrated intently on the road before him and her, out in the parking lot of Breadstix, the New Directions hugging her and trying to coerce her back inside.
In this situation, they both walked away broken-hearted, the victim of bad timing and misunderstandings, both wondering when it would be their time to get it right.
I don't think I've bummed you guys out this much since - well ever (maybe that one time I trolled you all in the last chapter of The Wedding Singer) - but don't fret, I've decided that this a two shot. I actually don't know the logistics of part two yet but I know where I'm going with it.
So inspiration, I hear you ask, and why a song from Legally Blonde? I was listening to this song and made a post about it on tumblr and then the wonderful basicallyrunalways (who, btw, this story is dedicated to) tells me she sees this as a Samcedes song. Cue intense sobs and the need to write something angsty (as always, I hear you mumble, exactly!)
And then mariposafria (who writes the most wonderful Samcedes fic and also leaves the kindest reviews) suggests in a review reply that I write a follow up to the events of Heart. I don't think this is exactly what you had in mind but I hope the fact that it's a two shot leaves you intrigued. The second part of the story shall be dedicated to you, don't worry ;)
So thanks for reading and if you review/fave/alert, thanks for that too!
See you for the second part hopefully by Tuesday night ;)
WickedSong x