Breaking the Silence
TK/J by jade51999
July 2005
I'm going out on a limb here and writing something that isn't L/M or OC related. Part I takes place first after Destiny's Way, and then during Destiny's Way. Part II after the New Jedi Order Series, and is probably classified as AU. Edited without lyrics to comply with rules. If you would like the version with the lyrics e-mail me at
Part I: Memories Seep from your veins
Dawn crept over the horizon, silent blushing fingertips glancing and bouncing off the horizon capturing the golden thrust of the Hapan sun. As the minutes ticked by, the rose varicosed into tangerine creating a tableau of color kissing the rising of a new day--a triumphant day, one of few in a galaxy battered and shattered beyond belief. The morning heralded its many followers, the young, the old, the infirm, the healthy, the poor and the rich. Many of Hapes' servant workers had been up for more than a few hours and briefly took respite in the unadorned and indiscriminate wonder that each minute presented. The sun rose for all, never choosing to enlighten the powerful at the expense of the weak...
But some did not see...
One Hapan, not weak, not poor—in the monetary sense—but not rich either, had been up long before the pink had blossomed from the pale gray of an endless night. In fact, some suspected that she had yet to sleep...her only acknowledgement of the break of dawn a fleeting thought—
Ah. Sunrise was the best time for a run.
And then she returned to the work spread before her—battle plans, agricultural estimates...the latest intelligence from the Alliance. Ceaseless, Endless, Boundless...a never completing flow of reports and work to read.
One such report piqued her curiosity, passed on by the ablest hands, in code that only the Jedi could break. Life, surrounds us....
She exhaled. There is peace, serenity.
No news of the Jedi expedition to the unknown regions...No news of Jacen...
And like a whirlwind of thought her mind danced over the numbers, admonishments, and disparaging nuisances she was to be reading, pulling at her heart—tearing at her soul...killing her concentration.
Jacen.
As expected, it haunted her long into the night.
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JACEN!
Tenel Ka lunged out of bed reaching for her lightsaber, reaching with utmost urgency...her body quivering and shaking with resounding fear that was not soon suppressed. Tumbling off the ledge she ducked looking for cover slipping her finger over the hilt to activate the blade...
She hesitated...
This was not the same place as her dream. This was not the half-alive, half-surreal macabre wave of light that resembled Myrkr. This was not where she had seen him last...where she...
Her gray eyes blinked in the moonlight, before she collapsed onto the ground dry heaving onto the carpet before her.
This was not a reproduction of the moment when she had lost him forever.
It was a while before Tenel Ka picked herself back up, put herself back together, asking again why the visions of those final moments—her lips turned up towards his, the absence when the bird-like Veregre had interfered—stalked her once again.
In the months after Jacen's disappearance—his death they had thought—she had resigned herself, had given in to the grief only once –crying out in despair in the confines of an escape pod. She had remained stoic and ever assured, that life had to go on.
She had learned to lead.
Why now?
It was perhaps the notice of still no word from the outer rim, where Jacen had traveled with the Masters Skywalker to find the prophesized planet of Zonama Sekot. There was nothing but silence in the empty reaches of her heart where the sight of him at the Jedi Knighting ceremony had entrenched her knowledge that they were never meant to be.
So Why? Why now?
A soft voice called through the door—"Queen Mother, do you require assistance?"
Friendship? Companions? She banished the self-serving thoughts answering quickly, "No we do not." As quietly as she could, she cleaned up the mess and crept again into her bed.
She knew why—it wasn't the memory of when she last saw him that haunted her. It was the blissful joy she had felt when she had realized he was still alive. That was what caused her pain. That was what caused her sorrow.
Life had moved on...and Jacen was a doorway now closed to her.
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Verse 1
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The Memory
"Your Majesty!"
"Your Majesty!"
Hushed whispers, a low murmuring reached Tenel Ka's ears pulling her out from the unreality of mediation. She winced as arms grasped her own, pulling her to her feet, barely gaining the presence of mind to struggle.
"Stop!" Her cool gray eyes snapped open, and she took in the scene before her, catching the guilty expression on her handmaiden's face.
"What is the meaning of this?" The snap in her voice reached her guards ears, and shamefaced, quickly dropped their hold on their Queen Mother, hopped two steps back, coming to attention.
Nenaliya froze, and then dropped her head, chagrined. "Queen Mother, we could not rouse you from your meditation...but there has been news."
Her eyes not softening, Tenel Ka shifted her stance expectantly.
"News?"
Embarrassment flittered across the young woman's face before she answered, "yes, of a private nature. I felt it needed to be bestowed in private, in your wardroom—but when we couldn't rouse you..."
"Enough, I see." Tenel Ka raised her eyebrows. "The news?"
Nenaliya glanced around awkwardly, "Jaina Solo forwarded a message from Kashyyyk. Marked urgent."
Tenel Ka's heart froze. Urgent. What had happened? Had Leia and Han been attacked on their mission to the Empire, had something happened to dear Tahiri?
"Quickly," She beckoned with her hand and urged Nenaliya to follow her, not to her board room but to her private chambers. The short journey was quiet save the sound of high heels against the solid floors of the Battle Cruiser. Once inside Tenel Ka turned, sealed the door, reaching for the Force for a measure of calm.
She had seen Jaina recently, following the battle over Obroa-skai, to hear from her so quickly again, made Tenel Ka apprehensive.
She waited patiently as Nenalyia pulled out a small piece of flimiplast—nearly snatching it out of the older woman's hands.
Restrained, Tenel Ka turned from her aide, her eyes scanning the message...
She read it again.
And again.
Queen Mother,
Tenel Ka,
Jacen is alive and well on Mon Calamari.
Goddess.
From where Nenaliya stood there was an imperceptible change in the Queen Mother's expression, and she realized that the tight reign on emotion that her liege held was a mask for an enormous basin of emotion.
The message had cracked her mask.
The Queen Mother strode to the door of the room, and punched open the code to unseal the door. Her voice hoarse, Tenel Ka ordered, "Out, and see to it that I am not disturbed unless it is an emergency."
She tried to hide it, but Nenaliya saw the slight tremor in the Queen Mother's hand, the one that clenched the message as if it were life itself.
Nodding, the handmaiden stepped out of the room.
xxx
The door swished closed, and Tenel Ka collapsed against the wall. She felt feverish, almost out of her own body, and she bit her lip as her mind struggled to come to grips with the sharp shooting pain in her heart.
He was alive.
Should she laugh? Should she cry?
A tapestry of emotion flooded her senses, and unbidden the tears began to flow, an unstoppable tsunami soaking the top folds of her dress.
Life hurt so much. Her feet tangled up in her cloak, she couldn't find the strength to stand again.
He was alive.
Alive and well.
Her tears continued to flow, and a sudden sound in the room rattled in her brain. She realized it was laughter, fresh, manic sounding, infused with a level of uncontrolled bitterness.
Ah Ha, I get the joke.
Before Myrkr Jacen and Tenel Ka had been alive.
Then it had just been Tenel Ka.
Now, for all intents and purposes, Tenel Ka was dead, and Jacen--her best friend Jacen Solo was breathing, flesh and bone, once again.
Tenel Ka was dead, and the Queen Mother reigned.
The warrior princess of Dathomir disappeared the day that crown had been placed on her head.
She didn't hate it. How could one hate a life she chose? It had not been forced upon her, and she could not be a selfish being when her people needed her. Her fathers people, her people. Knowing that Teneniel Djo had given all she could to save her 63 planets...it was up to her daughter to see Hapes through the war. In someway, the new role helped her to cope, helped her to stay busy, mindlessly busy, so she could ignore the greater burdens of having lost the only boy, the only man she had ever loved.
But Jacen was back...
...and it meant nothing. Changed nothing. The ever present oppression of having nothing personal to live for lifted, but descended quickly once more and the heady weight upon her chest made Tenel Ka gasp for air.
Misery engulfed. And she gave in to the one action that she battled against.
Slowly, achingly, painfully she closed her eyes and dropped her shields. Reaching through the Force she searched for his presence, making sure not to allow his awareness to sense her touch.
The misery remained, but the joy for one imperceptible moment dominated and the brightness of his soul, though mired by a level of injury (she could sense he had been hurt), gave her comfort.
And suddenly she sensed his presence latch, focus, and reach out for hers...and just as quickly she withdrew, slamming her shields shut like she had touched something forbidden.
Forbidden.
Was love forbidden?
Tenel Ka did not know how long she remained slumped over against the wall, enfolded in her worn, homespun Jedi Cloak...but the icy fingers of responsibility the reminder of work on her desk, and orders...caved her fortitude and resolve to stay in her room for eternity cordoned away from the grief of the wider world. She latched on to the knowledge that he was alive, and used that inexcusable joy to regain balance, strengthen shields. She no longer was a young girl, and the woman, Tenel Ka, the Queen had work to do.
xx
Months later, she slept on, dreaming, but still guarded—a fiery tempest squelched beneath a pressure so profound one spark would bring on the flood of release.
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Chorus
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Part II: Vultures and Thieves at your Back
From the air, the explosions were reminiscent of fireworks. A spark of fire followed by a puff of smoke and an acrid stink of burning wood and foliage. Injuries: numerous, ranging from the lighter bruises to the internal outward bleeding.
Deaths: One
Where: the Royal Hapan Docking Facility.
When: Five minutes ago.
xx
She felt him die. In the middle of a discussion with Zentinal Merin on the agricultural potential of three of her sixty-three planets, while condemning a tirade on the stability of Nistrata fruit and Merenge she felt him die.
It wasn't like before, with...where her soul had been ripped out...rather it was a sharp undercurrent of pressure. A blink. A whisper of farewell, and then nothing.
In front of her, the pompous aged advisor continued to dictate policy, ignoring her changes, ignoring her suggestions—even though he knew like all the other times that her decisions were final.
Five minutes had passed. No one said a word. Everyone stared and talked and talked and talked and talked.
No one felt anything. No one knew what she knew. No one would understand her grief—he was a male, but he was much, much, more.
She asked the same questions—how? Why? Who? Seeking answers that may not ever be answered. She sought answers that would never suffice and soothe the rawness of injury. Shuddering she took a breath, and found herself coughing—hunched over in pain.
Now the talking stopped.
All she had asked for was for some change. For males to have some equity in their marriage partnerships. She asked for gradual change...gradual change.
She felt him die, and knew that no evidence of his body would be found. Maybe a scrap or a piece of his tunic. A strand of his graying hair miraculously surviving—but no body to bury, no form to grieve and pray for.
She had felt him die, sensed the danger, and had done nothing. Before he stepped out of the door to their suite, she had smiled, and he had softly kissed her forehead whispering his confidence in her pursuits, trusting her with decisions, believing in her strength.
He had been all she had left.
click. Click, CLick, CLIck, CLICk. CLICK. CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK.
She could hear the footfalls growing louder by the moment. Straightening from her curled position she wiped her damp hands against her tunic, hesitating, yet determined to stand proud at his passing.
Those who had murdered him, would not see her falter. I do not negotiate with terrorists.
Slam
Without premise, without conscious thought, blithely accepting what was to come Tenel Ka reached through the Force, and second by second as the aide, tearstained and sobbing crashed to the floor before her began laying the foundations for another brick wall.
The façade must maintain its serenity, or everything else would fall apart.
She listened.
"Your majesty. I'm sorry. Prince Isolder is dead."
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Verse 2
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Breaking News, Hapes Cluster
Approximately twenty standard minutes ago Prince Isolder, former husband to Queen Mother Teneniel Djo and father to the current Queen Tenel Ka Chume Ta'Djo, Jedi Knight died in an explosion at the Royal Hapan Docks, Hapes.
No further information is available. Stay tuned.
Jaina stood, her hand loosely clasped in Jagged Fel's, and stared aghast at the holovid before them. Instinctively she reached through the force for her longtime friend, not at all surprised at the force shield she encountered. Turning, her fingers slipped out of their anchor and she sprinted down the hall to where she had just sensed her brother.
"Jacen..." She pounded on the door, suspecting that he was deep in meditation. "Jacen."
Like a whirlwind the door slammed open, and the other Solo twin grimaced, his tired face meeting the urgent timbre of his sister's voice in alarm. "Emperor's Black Bones! Jaya, I heard you the first time. Can't you let me sleep?"
Ignoring him, and filing away her assumption for later review, Jaina grabbed her brother's bare arm, dragging him towards the holovid where massive amounts of destruction flashed in rapid pseudo motion.
She felt his shock, and recognition. And like her his brief probe was also rebuffed.
"She's shielding more than before."
Huh? Jaina reached out again to their friend and realized her brother was right. How did he pick that... Jaina would have smirked at another piece of leverage to add to her blackmail pile, if the situation had not been dire.
Next to them Jag stirred, his clipped tone guiding their attention to the screen. "Look."
Queen Mother Tenel Ka shall issue a statement.
Jacen barely heard her words, something about egalitarianism and equity in Hapes, and how evidence of Prince Isolder's death could be traced to factions opposed to change and modernization.
All he could do was stare. She had lost weight, and he could see her slender fingers clenching the podium in grief. Even through the holocamera's her eyes were hollow, devoid black holes of emotion.
My father shall be missed. His contributions to our society shall not be forgotten. As long as I draw breath, I shall not back down from my promises. A New Hapes is on the horizon; join with me to build a strong bridge into the future.
He saw her step away from the podium, and turn away her eyes latching onto the still burning plume of smoke behind her. The holocamera's followed her every move—and in the middle of the step, for an instant, for an unknown reason, her barriers fell.
Jacen stumbled back, collapsing onto a chair, shivering at the grating fingernails of loneliness bleeding through his body. Misery. Sorrow. Despair. Swirling around in a pool of light.
Gone. He exhaled.
"Jace?"
"Jacen, "
He blinked, the room suddenly snapped into focus, and found himself staring at Jaina and Jag's worried expressions.
"Sorry," He pushed himself up off the seat and stood, "She opened up for a second."
"She did?" Jaina's dark eyes narrowed for a moment. "I didn't..."She trailed off at the expression on her brother's face.
"Jaina, I have to get to Hapes. Now."
xx
A few hours later the twins hurtled through hyperspace gazing out of the view port of their transport the flashing star lines reflecting off their faces as they sped toward Hapes
Jacen glanced at the stoic features on his sister's face. He knew she was worried about Tenel Ka, but he could sense her curiosity, and her concern for him.
"Jaya."
His sister smiled at him, a tiny rueful smile. One that they shared as children when they had been caught doing something that they should not have been doing. "Why now Jacen? "Why didn't you go to her earlier? I've known how you felt for years, and I felt how much she cared for you after your capture. Why now?"
To Jaina the silence that followed was deafening, for Jacen it stretched for eternity.
"I don't know." The words tumbled out unbidden. "I've known how I felt about her since before..." He hesitated, then continued—"Jaina, something changed. Before we were both young Jedi Knights, fighting for the galaxy and seemed to have the future ahead of us.
We were young..."
Softly his sister added, "We are still young."
"Yeah," He paused, then continued. "After I came back from Yuuzhan'tar I kept telling myself that we live in a real world--it would never work. She now was a queen, and I was studying to be a Jedi Knight. That following my thoughts to conclusion...it would take us to a place that we could not go.
Too much was at stake, too much time had passed."
"And now?"
His voice grew lower, resonating with the deep hum of the hyperdrive. "There's a connection, one that I feel from time to time. She tries to shield herself, but it is not a solid wall. There are cracks everyday. Thoughts, loneliness, sorrow—even some of her expressed joy leaks through. She tries so hard to hide from world, but somehow she can't hide from me."
And I knew she did not want me around.
Jaina's hand, which had become intertwined with her brothers twitched as his thought flittered across her mind. Carefully, she repeated her question, "And now?"
His head snapped up, and he said with urgency, "I realize it's because she doesn't want to be hurt again. Since that slip, and once she reinforced her shields after the announcement, I've felt nothing. I can't find her in the Force, and every time I reach for her its like I'm running through the Death Star watching and waiting for its primary weapon to take her down. I know that one day, one day all of the emotion she's hiding will reach the breaking point, and none of us will have lifted a finger to save her. "
Once again, he couldn't verbalize his thoughts. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't tell her that I'm still her friend, and if she will allow me the chance, I'd like to be more. So that she doesn't' feel as lonely anymore...so that she's no longer standing at the precipice, running 63 worlds without someone to stand by her side.
His brown eyes glistened with moisture, "I love her Jaya, I love her."
His sister enfolded him into a hug, "Tell her. Don't waste another minute. Tell her."
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Chorus
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"Prepare the strike team. In twelve hours, if there is no further intelligence the cell must be wiped out."
"But Queen Mother."
"SILENCE!" Tenel Ka's cool gray eyes met her advisors, trembling gaze. "This act cannot be tolerated. Change is coming whether we like it or not. My rule is being tested, even after our victory against the Vong—when I led our planets to peace. I cannot tolerate this." She inhaled, and then continued, the hard edge returning to her voice, the collected aura, façade, returning. The Queen Mother glanced at her schedule, "The memorial service is in four hours. I'm going to my room to rest. Do not disturb me." Tenel Ka did not miss the sidelong glances; her aides knew she would not rest. The amount of energy it took her to maintain her shields, did not allow for even a moment... the energy was needed elsewhere.
Standing swiftly, Tenel Ka dismissively strode out of the garish inner office, aware of her aides scrambling behind her, stalking toward her quarters. Just outside her doorway, Tenel Ka caught sight of her face in the glass windowpane facing the doorway. A stranger stared back.
This person, this imposter Tenel Ka seemed deflated, her once shiny locks of fiery red swept up in an elaborate coif—appeared limp, and barely held together by a emeraude clip of silver. Her hand twitched at her side and her skin once of royal complexion seemed flat and malnourished.
Is this what they all see? Is this who I have become?
Where has the light gone?
Not waiting for an answer, she turned and marched purposefully into her quarters slamming the door shut with a flick of her wrist and a somewhat small misuse of the Force.
Outside in the hall, Jacen and Jaina exchanged looks of urgency in silence communion. Their friend had not sensed them, had not sensed the two strong Force users standing a few paces away. The panels on the wall still shook from the force of the Queen Mother's wrath—without the expected ripple from the unifying force. Frowning, Jacen turned from his sister and stared at the ornate door before him. Sucking in the air he grasped a hold of the living strands with his senses, twisting them into calming the rolling of his stomach, the constant thrum of drums in his head.
Next to him, feeling their connection dim as her brother began to look inward, Jaina stepped away gesturing unnecessarily to indicate where she would be waiting should he need help.
A flicker of acknowledgement, and then he returned to his meditation. Pushing himself to embrace patience, to trace the carved line that undulated along the edges of the entryway, to sense how it twisted into carved blossoms so intricate that one could get lost in the design. He waited...
...then in the middle of a breath, not allowing himself a moment to think Jacen Solo took three hesitant steps forward, past the guards that watched her door and scraped through the now barely open doorway.
He stepped into the flames of hell.
xxx
Tenel Ka could feel the reverberations of the doorway travel through the well worn gilt silver slippers. They matched the embroidery on the long silver duster that covered simple, dark slacks and a soft velvet undertunic.
Ignoring the papers on her desk—they could wait—she dragged a chair toward the open window her one wrist twisting in pain. Injured when she had flung herself out of bed during a raid the night before, she had foregone healing with the Force. All of her powers, her latent ability shunneled to barring her mind against the unequivocal grief she expected at her father's funeral. The minute his ashes scattered into the Hapan sunset she knew that the sorrow would come crashing down. Her wrist could heal naturally—the bleakness in her heart would not.
Carefully she sat, back erect, shoulders stiff and stared out of the Fountain Palace and over the blue waters that continued for miles. Isolder had taken her out onto the water once...
A sharp pain flittered across her senses and in a jerk reaction she turned inward her head dropping back sharply against the headrest, her careful carriage disintegrating as her body drifted into a curl.
She was unaware of the hot tears scalding her face, of the whirling motion of books, clothing, knives, saber and furniture floating through the room unbidden at unimaginable speeds. She was unaware of Jacen Solo standing in her quarters his chocolate eyes wide with shock at the disarray, timing the chaotic maze before him.
Clearing his mind Jacen sprung forward, flipping over an upturned desk, and stumbling around a cloak that swam into his peripheral vision.
Right. Left. Down. Turn.
Crash. A leg of a chair clipped his shoulder and he almost cried out in pain—instead he dropped to his stomach, shimmying across the floor ignoring the numerous pieces of jewelry and hair pieces that posed a danger in other ways. A small glint under the bed caught his eye—it was the sheen of the necklace he had given her so long ago—discarded and untouched like the rest of its counterparts.
Finally, he stood before her—and his hand hovered over her head, suddenly hesitant. As he traced the gray clad figure before him he noticed the subtle, unconscious protection of her wrist against her body—and so without touching her, he backed away to the opposite wall, and slid to a crouched position. Closing his eyes once more, Jacen Solo reached, dipping into the endless light directing its healing powers to his friend.
She may not have sensed his presence, but the sudden warmth against her stomach surely caused enough discomfort to break her out of whatever freakish trance she had gone into. Reaching out with his own sense, everything settled to the ground, feathers on water.
A whimper, and she sat up, obviously expecting to be alone. Instead gray eyes locked with his brown and widened in fear.
Fear.
Fear leads to...
...the dark side...
Jacen spoke first, her wide eyes twitching as he shifted his body to a more comfortable position, closer to her than before. "Tenel Ka, my friend."
Her voice hoarse, she seemed to grow smaller, yet he could sense her conscious self returning, and watched in horror as the mask crawled across her face—hiding the fear beneath its hidden talents.
It could not discard the wide eyes—the eyes that belied the truth.
"Jacen. Please. Leave."
He shook his head, determined not to back down. "No. Not this time."
Tenel Ka let out a short laugh, and her body began to straighten. "Not this time?" She looked around her quarters. "You always leave. Yet you always come back in the dreaming. You always leave."
Light, does she think that she's asleep?
"No. I know you're here. That is a fact." Anther short laugh, this time it was more contemplative than before.
"Tenel Ka..."
"Tenel Ka is dead. She is now Queen Mother Tenel Ka Djo Chume of Hapes. Tenel Ka..."
"is the love that I have waited for, that I almost let slip away into the darkness...sure that our time would come when the Force chose."" The words tumbled out, there was no way he could dance around them any longer, suppress them in his heart.
"But I forgot Veregre's lesson. I must choose and act. And so I choose to love you—to grieve your fathers passing with you. Whether you like it or not."
Her eyes remained wide, the mask remained stoic, but for a moment, a mere sliver of a moment, he felt a slip. And so he talked. He talked of his life, of what had been going on...he talked of Danni—how it was a doomed relationship from the start. He talked of how much he needed Tenel Ka, and how he had failed her by leaving her alone for so long. He talked of his love, of their life at the academy and how after Myrkr he had walked away, unknowingly breaking his own heart...
"Tenel Ka, with all my heart...we belong together. I..." He trailed off, fed up with talking and chose again. Standing he strode purposefully to her seat, yanked her out of the chair, gently reaching under the stump of her elbow to make her stand tall.
"On Myrkr you were prevented from saying farewell. So say goodbye now, like you wanted to then. I owe you a kiss." Leaning forward he pressed his mouth against hers. Mirroring the act with his sense, lightly pressing up against her shielded presence, pouring through the cracks the Dathomir Warrior had tried to seal, breaking down the walls that she had tried to build.
He felt her respond, and whispered against her cheek as he pulled her close. "Tenel Ka is not dead. She lives. She lives." Those final words destroyed the moorings spilling sorrow, torment and splintering despair across the floor.
Let it go, my love. Let it go. He held her until she stopped shaking. He held her long past the start of the memorial service, and well into the sinking sunset as the horizon met her son rose-tinged and heavenly starting the night cycle.
Finally she closed her eyes and whispered...
"I love you too Jacen Solo. I...love you too."
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Chorus
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FIN