Five minutes ago Rayna Jaymes was fine.
Five minutes ago she went over her next week's itinerary and was just about to go to bed; she was tired.
Five minutes ago Rayna felt on top of the world and was once again in control of her life.
Five minutes ago things finally started to fall into place.
Five minutes ago she pondered on her recent engagement and started imagining her and Luke's life together. True, in the back of her mind ran thoughts about all that she didn't consider when she accepted his proposal, but for now she was able to put them aside. After all, there was still plenty of time to think about it.
Five minute ago.
What are five minutes in a scope of a lifetime? Nothing!
But tonight, in Rayna Jaymes' kitchen, they were enough to turn her life upside down.
It only took five minutes.
...Maybe less.
#
To say that she had a tumultuous year would be quite an understatement and at least career wise it all came to a head that week with the launch of her new album.
Rayna knew there were only two possible outcomes – winning or losing and for her losing was simply not an option.
First, she couldn't afford it financially. Second, she wasn't signed to any label so failing could very well mean a death sentence for her career. Third, she had Juliette Barnes and all the other people depending on her to think about and forth…well, she just really wanted to win.
It took her a while before she was ready to admit it, but deep down in her heart, Rayna knew there was more to her business decision than plain common sense and that in fact it had very much to do with the accident and the way it changed her.
If it wasn't for the accident that made her so impatient to anything or anyone that's been holding her back or appeared to be clipping her wings, and if it wasn't for that anger that's been accumulating inside her since then against everyone that brought her into the position of complete lack of control over her life, she might have chosen a different, less risky, approach.
But the accident did happen and Rayna did almost die and it did shake her to the core and after almost losing everything and fighting so hard to get passed it she needed something to hang on to; she needed some stamp of approval that she's finally out of the woods.
Rayna just had to win.
So she won.
And it was sweet!
Her radiant smile said it all-
Rayna Jaymes was finally back.
#
Luke made her smile.
Sometimes it amazes her how naturally smiling comes to her when she's with him.
They had a grown up relationship, based on mutual respect, deep understanding and appreciation for each other's needs and although no one was more surprised from this relationship than her, she still welcomed it with open arms. It brought some kind of peace and joy into her restless heart during one of the darkest times of her life.
There wasn't a doubt in her mind that she loved him. Once she even joked with Tandy that Luke is the best of both worlds - Teddy and Deacon. He's stable and dependable like Teddy but he also comes from her world, the music world, like Deacon.
Nevertheless that's not why she accepted his proposal.
Earlier that night Rayna stood on a stage illuminated by million lights doing what she was born to do. She heard the cheering crowd, felt their love and indulged on every moment of being the 'Rayna Jaymes'.
She felt liberated, like she can do anything.
All she wanted was for this feeling to last and when Luke got down on one knee, at that particular moment, yes, of course she hesitated, but saying 'no' or 'maybe' meant ending her glorious well deserved moment and she wasn't ready for it.
Not yet.
So she said yes.
'What the hell', she thought to herself; I can do anything.
#
Yes, Rayna loved Luke and in a moment of spontaneity agreed to marry him.
That's great.
If only that was the whole story.
It wasn't.
#
'Starting over'- Is there really such thing? Can we really leave the past behind and start anew? Can we change our minds and our hearts and make them tell a different story than the one they told before just because we want and need them to? Can we forget what we already know and uproot what already struck deep roots inside us?
Is it really possible?
Rayna did everything she could to prove it is.
She almost succeeded,
Almost.
#
The mind and heart can be fooled, but not the body.
The body remembers everything with perfect clarity. Every deed, every thought, every feeling, every touch and every dream; it's all stored under our skin, in the veins and inside the bones.
Rayna tried to ignore it, but all it took was one gaze at her daughter, one note of an old song or one random careless look to remind her of all the things she already knew.
She knew there can be a connection so powerful and deep between two people that at times it feels like something bigger than them, like touching the ultimate truth…like music.
She also knew that it can never happen with Luke.
She knew that this connection, when it's good, there's nothing better, but when it's bad it there's nothing worse and it introduces you to the darkest parts of your soul and can become toxic and dangerous.
She knew that there was nothing in her life that haunted her more than this.
She knew.
But she tried to forget.
She really did.
It was just too much and too impossible.
'Fake it till you make it', she kept repeating to herself in front of the mirror like a mantra.
And just when she thought she finally made it -
There was a knock on the door.
It was Deacon.
He only stopped by for five minutes.
…Maybe less.
#
On his way home, Deacon was on auto pilot. He got out of Rayna's house, closed the door behind him, walked to his car, got in, put the keys in the ignition, started the engine and drove.
His mind went blank.
Only when he got home things started to sink in.
Gradually it dawned on him that he not only just faced one of his greatest fears (and regrets) and dared to propose to Rayna again, but he also, for the very first time, fought for his family.
Deacon loved Rayna body and soul, that wasn't even a question. He knew in his heart there is nothing he wants more than a family with her and the girls (*he was even ready to accept Teddy as a necessary evil) only he never thought he'd have the courage to pursue it…defiantly not without alcohol as a booster.
When it came to him and Rayna, he already got used to living with regrets and that constant pang in his chest every time he thought of what could have been, but when he saw the despair on Maddie's face he knew he must act, fast! It was no longer just his happiness on the line.
His own actions tonight surprised him and gave him hope that maybe; just maybe, those simple things he secretly craved for his entire life are in his reach...the things he dared to wish for in one faithful night, a lifetime ago, at the Bluebird Cafe when he saw a beautiful, one of a kind, redhead girl sing her heart out on-stage.
For the first time in his life Deacon Claybourne started to believe he actually deserve them.
He could see things clearly.
He could now see that he; Rayna, Maddie and Daphne already are a family and that one of the things it meant was that they're bound for eternity.
He could painfully see that he may have lost Rayna forever because some things can't be undone and she was too battered and scarred by them.
He could also (finally) see that he's more than a guitar player or that guy who loved Rayna and that whatever happens, he can handle it.
So Deacon entered his house with a little grin on his face.
'Yes', he said to himself
'I can wait'.
#
She should have known he would pull something like this. It was so typical of him…of them. Only last year it was she that did something similar when he was seeing what's her name, the Vet (*Rayna was hardly senile but keeping track on Deacon's revolving door of women over the years was a full-time job and she already had one).
Furthermore, it's not like she was blind. She noticed how every step forward he takes as a father to Maddie also strengthen and deepen their own relationship.
But still, she did not see that coming.
If anything, Rayna feared that like so many times in the past, it will trigger him to spiral. She certainly didn't imagine that instead he'll bare his soul, say out loud the unspoken truth between them and offer to commit to it.
Now what?
#
The only thing Rayna could bring herself to do during the minutes after he left was staring at the ring she knew so well and feel how this simple silver band turns heavy and warm in her hand.
Every word he said touched a nerve and unlocked a door in her heart. Every step he took towards her destroyed one of the bridges she built around her and every touch bared another piece of her soul until she felt as if she was standing completely naked and exposed in front of him.
In a flash it all came back and was brought to light.
It was a bright light; brighter even than the million lights in LP Field.
This time she couldn't ignore it.
Deacon was the only one who had that kind of effect on her and she both loved him and hated him for it.
So when he left, the woman that only five minutes ago "had it all" felt like she had nothing.
#
Suddenly the phone rang.
It was Luke.
Although the last thing she wanted to do at that point was talk to him (or anyone else for that matter), she knew that avoiding his call would only make things worse
'Hi babe', she said, trying to sound as cheerful and relaxed as possible.
'Hi gorgeous'
'How are you? How are the kids?'
'I'm good. They're good, it's ALL good. Just told them about us, and they took it surprisingly well'
She could hear him laughing through the phone.
Rayna loved Luke's laugh. It was an honest man's laugh and that made lying to him, especially when he was so happy, even harder. She felt like the lowest of lows.
But really, what was she supposed to say?
Maybe something along the line of:
'Listen, here's a funny story. Guess who came by just now? Deacon! And guess what? He also proposed. Isn't that just hilarious? He also kissed me and I kissed him back but that's really just a minor detail because it's not like I've been in love with him my entire adult life and the only thing that caused me to let go was a near death experience. Ah, and since he's the father of my child even if I say no I'll still have to continue seeing him so it's always going to be between us'.
Sure! No problem at all.
…Naturally the rest of the conversation went like this:
Rayna: 'That's great sweetie. But you know what? I'm really beat from this whole day so I really want to sleep so let's talk tomorrow when you get here'
Luke: 'Sure thing babe, get your rest'
Rayna: 'Thanks babe'
Luke: 'Love you'
Rayna: 'Love you too'
Luke: 'Night'
Rayna: 'Night'
Once Rayna put her phone down, she took another look at Deacon's ring. At this point it felt so heavy and warm that she feared it will burn a hole in her hand.
A ring of fire.
#
After couple of minutes of pacing from the kitchen to the living room and back, that didn't relieve any of the tension that kept accumulating but only made her dizzy, she finally stopped and stood beside the kitchen table.
Her eyes were fixated on that bloody ring again that was now placed there and all she could feel was an uncontrollable rage bubbling inside of her.
'Enough', she said out loud and then grabbed the ring, phone and car keys and stormed out.
'Not again', she mumbled to herself.
'This ends now!'
#
'That was quick'
Rayna didn't respond. She was not amused and that little smirk she detected on him certainly didn't help.
What she did instead was walk straight past him, enter his house (*actually barge in is more accurate) and position herself in the middle of the living room facing the door with her hands on her waists.
From his point of view she looked as if she was getting ready for a duel.
'OK…' said Deacon and closed the door.
'Should I get my pistol?' He asked jokingly. Something about this whole scenario amused him.
The harsh look she gave him in return made it clear she didn't share that sentiment.
'What's going on, Ray?' he asked while taking a step forward.
Rayna flinched and took a step back.
Deacon halted.
He tried to lock eyes with her but as soon as it happened she lowered her head and looked away.
'What?' he asked again, softly this time.
Rayna stayed mum, but something in her posture changed. It wasn't as assertive as before.
Deacon could sense she's struggling, so he tried to get closer again.
She didn't move this time but still looked the other way.
He took her hand in his and laid it on his chest.
Rayna closed her eyes and her upper lip started to shiver.
They stood together in silence for another minute until Deacon started to believe the struggle was over but when she opened her eyes and looked straight at him he realized he was wrong.
In her eyes there was something dark, deep and very, very sad. The last time he saw her like this was when he confronted her in the cabin about Maddie.
He wasn't laughing anymore.
#
All the way to Deacon's house Rayna rehearsed in her head what she'll say and how she'll say it.
She planned to enter his house, toss that...ring at him and then accuse him of being reckless and completely selfish for even consider it. She wanted to remind him they both agreed it's over and that it wasn't a decision neither of them took lightly. She also wanted to tell him that although she's glad he finally got to a place in his life where he believes he can be a father and a husband, putting her in a position where she's responsible for his chance of happiness is simply not fair.
She was so confident in what she was about to say, but it all went out the window the minute she saw him.
The words just didn't leave her mouth.
She no longer had words.
#
It was only a short distance between her car and Deacon's front door, but somewhere along those few steps it struck her that Deacon actually proposed and that he did it completely sober.
Suddenly she realized she was standing in a completely unfamiliar territory. This time it's not just a fix, a temporary relief from the pain or a fear of losing one another.
This time it seemed that he was fully aware of what it entails and meant what he said.
This time she and Deacon can really be together.
Once the truth revealed itself to her, she wasn't angry anymore.
what she felt was much worse.
#
Rayna was scared, petrified to be honest.
The harsh cold truth paralyzed her.
Anger was something she could handle, but fear? That was an entirely different story.
Rayna shielded herself from that emotion in every possible way, but now there was nowhere to hide
The type of fear she felt as she approached his front door was the one she avoided the most.
It was hope.
There was nothing that scared her more.
Anger was her last line of defense against it but now she lost in that battle as well.
So when she knocked on his door Rayna truly had nothing.
#
They say that hope is the last thing you lose, but what if you already lost it? What if you already lost it and came to term with it and created a life that leaves no room for it?
And what if after all of that, when all that's left inside you is not even a memory of it but only a shadow of memory, you suddenly unexpectedly got it back?
What would you do?
Rayna didn't do anything.
She just stood helpless in the middle of Deacon's living room.
A million thoughts ran through her mind and she could feel her heart beating intensely but it was not her head and not her heart that had any influence of her actions at that moment, it was her body; her blood was screaming and all she could do was obey.
No. She can't want him like this again. She can't need him. She can't be that person again.
She can't, just can't.
And yet she was that person. It was strong and primal, and...
'Not fair, it's just not fair' she murmured.
Deacon didn't move. For a second she thought he didn't hear her.
She was wrong.
He heard.
#
'Not fair? That's all you have to say?' Deacon asked and let go of her hand; that's not what he expected to hear.
That resentment with a hint of aggression in his voice was all too familiar.
He didn't change one bit, she thought to herself.
In a way that was a relief.
Once again she was in a familiar territory -
Deacon or she throw a punch and the other punch right back until someone is severely injured and leaves (usually with a door slamming). That's how they used to fight and she sure didn't miss it.
Once Deacon started to vent she automatically planned her attack. It scared her (but sadly didn't surprise her) how quickly and without thought she resumed her role in their toxic dynamic.
The same way she kissed him back without thinking an hour ago, she punched right back now once he laid the first hit.
It was a reflex.
'Yes, Deacon, not fair and even cruel, not that I expect you to even notice since you've been too preoccupied with spreading your sobriety wisdom around even if no one asked you to'
That was a hit below the belt and she knew it; she also didn't mean it. Her whole body was shaking, but there was no turning back.
'God, you are something!' Deacon replied and threw his hands in the air.
Suddenly an old memory surfaced. She and Deacon laying in bed together after yet another brutal fight. Rayna remembered how she told him that once they start fighting they're like ticking time bomb that always explodes.
As she stood before him now, she could almost hear the ticking of that bomb in her head.
Back then it didn't even cross their mind that something like that could ever tear them apart; they were too young and in love. They believed it was the only way to love, truly love.
They channeled that charged energy to their love making and music. They loved, fought, made up, wrote songs about it and moved on until the next time.
That was then.
Now everything is different.
#
Rayna was ready to throw the last, final, punch and be done with it. She knew that unlike the distant past there will be no catharsis afterwards, no love and no song.
Instead, there will be nausea, exhaustion, self hatred and sadness, so much sadness.
And yet, she couldn't help it so she opened her mouth and was just about to say the words that will take them both back and erase all the progress they've made, but then something happened.
Deacon happened.
#
Deacon didn't change his personality over night. He still fought the same battles. His demons were still there, lurking. But he did get to a point where he realized it doesn't have to determine the course of his life and that the time in his life when it was all about him and his personal battle was over.
So when Rayna threw insults at him, it hurt, of course it did (especially since he really didn't deserve it this time) but it didn't destroy him. He could still see beyond his pain and his own battle.
What he saw was Rayna, fighting her own battle, and losing.
He turned his face from her and went over to the fire pit, pressed his two hands against it and took a long deep breath. Then he turned around and faced the room again. He placed the palm of his hand on his mouth and took another deep breath.
After a moment he started speaking. His voice was quiet, yet steady and firm.
'You're right Ray, it's not fare; it's love' he said and gazed into her eyes. There was no longer uncontrollable rage there, just warmth, love and confidence.
'You and me, It's never not there and it will still be there no matter what we do, even if you marry Luke, move up to his ranch and start, I don't know, riding horses or make jams or something ridiculous like this.'
'Ridicules, ha?' She replied but stopped herself from continuing because, let's face it, he was right and she knew it.
In any case, Deacon seemed to ignore what she just said and continued.
'..and you know what? I can live with it, I'm already an expert' he said and shrug his shoulders.
Rayna gazed at him and without noticing smiled a little. Yes, she could completely identify with him.
'I already told you this tonight; I'm very good in lying to myself. I just don't want to do it anymore'
He paused for a second.
'You don't give up on something like what we have unless you really have to and now we don't have to, not anymore. We can...'
'But we can't Deacon. Why can't you see it?' The words just sprung out of her.
'You can't change. I can't change! People can't change!'she cried out.
Rayna felt she was about to suffocate. It was a mistake coming there, she was fully aware of that now.
She just had to leave, now! …Before it's too late.
She didn't even look over at Deacon to see his reaction to what she just said. The urgency in her body to get out and head home so she could breathe again was stronger.
She turned around and walked fast towards the door.
As she reached it Deacon came behind her. He put one hand on the door the other on her shoulder.
#
It was the second time he surprised her in one day.
#
What more can one day bring?
Rayna was about to find out.