Alex stood outside Maggie's apartment building and looked up at it. She shook her head. This was a bad idea, she thought to herself. She's probably not even home. Alex turned and walked back to the sidewalk, burrowing into her jacket a little more. And even if she were home, would she even open the door to me?
Still, something stopped her from leaving. She turned around and looked back up at the apartment building. She pulled her right hand out of its warm pocket and twisted it to see the face of the watch on the inside of her wrist. It was 11:37pm. She could go upstairs, not get an answer or get rejected and then still make it to the alien bar in time to ring in the new year with the gang… and a lot of whiskey.
"C'mon, Danvers," she muttered to herself. "This is what you want. She is what you want."
Alex strode towards the building with purpose and took the stairs up to the third floor apartment. It was the same apartment she'd had before… She swallowed. Before she'd moved into Alex's place. She stood there, outside of 309, and listened carefully. She'd been there a few times previously, but not in months. She didn't hear anything from inside the apartment.
She took a deep breath and firmly rapped on the door, three times. And waited. Alex counted her already-rapid heartbeats. One, two, three, four, five, six, sev— She heard movement and felt her heart shift into overdrive. She heard bare feet on the wooden floor on the other side of the door, heard the soft sound of fingertips pressing against the door to maintain balance as someone, as she, no doubt lifted herself up on to her tiptoes to gaze through the peephole.
She heard a sigh and her stomach somersaulted as she heard the door unlock. The door opened only a quarter of the way, but it was enough to reveal Maggie Sawyer, looking sleepy and annoyed, wearing a t-shirt, boxers and socks, her arms folded across her chest.
"What do you want, Alex?" she asked.
"Can we talk?"
Maggie sighed. "What about?"
"This," Alex said, waving her index finger between them. "Us."
Her ex-girlfriend, her ex-fiancée, narrowed her eyes at her. "You made it pretty clear that there is no us, Alex." She stood there, unmoving, her eyes cold, missing the sparkle that Alex had grown used to seeing. It was a defensive posture. Everything about the way Maggie was standing was screaming at Alex to leave, to run away and to never look back.
"Please," she said, simply.
Maggie didn't move. She didn't close the door on her, either, though. Alex took it to mean she would listen, if only for a moment or two. Better make it count, she thought to herself.
"I almost died," Alex began, looking for any hint of reaction from the other woman. Alex saw a moment of tightness in her mouth, a tensing of her shoulders, so she continued. "I almost died on some parallel Earth. I was in front of a firing squad. And the only thing on my mind, Maggie, the only thing I could think of was you."
Maggie remained silent, so Alex pressed on. "I, I… God, Maggie," she said, looking down, pacing a bit, as she retold the story. "I was staring at the rifles leveled at me and the others, all I could think of was that I had thrown away the most important person in my life. That I had ruined things with us." She stopped pacing and looked right into Maggie's eyes. "That I would never, ever see you again." She took a breath. "So here I am. I'm sorry to bother you. I had to see you. I had to tell you. I couldn't… I couldn't go one more instant without telling you that I was wrong."
The icy coldness of Maggie's eyes cracked at that and Alex saw a glimmer of the sparkle she knew and loved in that instant. "I was wrong," she repeated. "And I'm not expecting anything to come of my saying so," she said, quickly, hands raised in front of her chest in a form of surrender. "I just… I needed to see you and I needed to tell you that I was wrong."
She gazed at Maggie, trying to figure out what the other woman might do or say, but she just stood there, stoically, unmoving, not saying a word.
She nodded. "Okay. I'm gonna go. Have a good night, Maggie," she said, then turned and walked towards the stairs.
"Danvers."
Alex stopped in her tracks and turned. "Yes?"
"Wanna come in for a minute?" Maggie asked, opening the door more fully.
"Uh, yeah, yeah, sure," Alex stammered and walked towards her.
Maggie stepped back and let Alex in. "Can I get you something? A beer?"
She shook her head. "I'm okay, thanks."
Maggie shut the door behind her, locking it securely. "I was asleep," she said.
"I'm sorry," Alex said again, "look, I can go, it's fine, I'm sorry, I—"
"Alex."
"Yes?"
"I'm awake, now. You might as well have a seat," she said, indicating the nearby couch.
"Okay." She sat down and took a deep breath, inhaling Maggie's slightly spicy scent. It had been far too long since she'd buried her nose in the back of Maggie's neck. She missed it. She missed her.
Maggie paced for a moment and then sat down, on the other side of the couch from Alex, a full sofa cushion between them. "I don't know what you went through," she began, "but I'm glad that it gave you…" She paused, searching for the word. "I don't know, perspective?" She sighed. "A long time ago, Alex, I told you that you got one. Do you remember that?"
Alex bit her lip and nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. She understood what was going on. Maggie was going to tell her that it was too little and too late.
"One freak-out. Just one." Maggie stood and walked towards the windows, looking out over the city. She crossed her arms. "And then, you lied to me. You said that you didn't need to be a mom," she said.
Alex bowed her head. "I'm so sorry for that."
"We were going to be married, Alex," she spat. "Married! And you were lying to me."
"I…" Alex breathed. "I thought I didn't need to be a mom. Not if the choice was between a child or you."
"Well, that begs the question, do you still need to be a mom? I mean, what's changed, here?" Maggie turned and put her hands on her hips. "Has anything changed?"
She looked up at her. "I need you," she said, pleadingly, the tears finally falling down her cheeks.
Maggie looked at her. "Do you need me more than you need to be a mother?"
Alex nodded vigourously.
Maggie sighed and folded her arms across her chest again. "Once you've recovered from your near-death experience, are you going to change your mind?"
"No, no, no," Alex said, "it's been a few weeks and that's, that's why I didn't come to you sooner. I," she sniffled, "I wanted to be sure."
"And now, now you're sure? Now, after breaking my heart, after calling off our wedding, now you're sure that I'm going to be enough for you?"
Alex gave a tiny shrug. "Yes," she said, plainly, aware how ludicrous it was, despite the fact it was true.
Maggie scoffed and walked back to the couch. "And what about me, Alex? What about what I want? What about what I went through?" She sat down, staring at the wall in front of her, instead of to her right, at Alex. "Do you know why I'm in this apartment again?" she asked, seemingly out of the blue.
"No," Alex said, gently. "Do you want to tell me?"
"Because I let my lease renew," she said. "Because I didn't know if… when you'd freak out again. So when I basically moved in with you, I sublet this place, more or less furnished, and only had to give a month's notice if I wanted to reclaim it."
"Oh, Maggie," Alex gasped. "I… God, Maggie, I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
"I planned for the worst and the worst happened," she said, almost no emotion at all in her voice.
"Maggie, I—"
"Do you realize that it was basically the same thing that had happened to me as a kid when my dad dropped me off at my aunt's? That I lost my home, basically lost my family, all over again, just like when I was younger?"
Alex sighed. She'd come to that realization herself, ages ago.
"Do you realize that I'd just finally learned to trust that someone wanted me? Saw value in me?"
Alex wiped the tears from her face. "Maggie."
"Do you realize that you shattered that trust?" She turned to face her, eyes watering. "So, you know, it's all well and good that you just had to see me, just had to tell me how you felt. But how could I ever, ever trust you again?"
She expected to hear an audible crack as her heart broke for Maggie. "Maggie," she said, gently, "Maggie, if you'll give me the opportunity to do it, I will spend the rest of my days making you feel as loved as you deserve."
Maggie scoffed. "And when you freak out on me again? Then what?"
"I won't," she promised.
"I've heard that before." Maggie stood and walked to the door. "I think you should go," she said, unlocking it and turning the doorknob. She pulled the door open.
Alex sat there on the couch for a moment.
"You say 'why does everything revolve around you?'" she sang, quietly.
"Alex," Maggie said, shaking her head.
"You say, 'why does everything I do confound you?'"
"No, Alex, please, come on."
"You say that I pulled the world from under you, you can't go through it this time."
Maggie shook her head again, more emphatically.
"And I could be good, and I would, if I knew I was understood. And it'll be great, just wait. Or is it too little too late?" She stood and approached Maggie. "This mind wasn't well," she sang, skipping to the end of the song, "next time, hope I'm, going to be good, and I would, if I knew I was understood. And it'll be great, just wait. Or is it too little too late?"
Maggie was crying openly, her arms around her midsection.
"Maggie," Alex said, reaching out for her. She didn't pull away, so Alex gently stepped closer and wrapped her arms around her, letting Maggie rest her head on her shoulder. "It's okay, Maggie," she said, soothingly, holding her close. "I'm here. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
They stood like that for several minutes, as Maggie cried. "I couldn't lose you again, Alex," she sobbed, at one point. "I couldn't," she repeated, slipping her arms around Alex's waist.
"You won't, Maggie. I swear, I promise, I vow to you that I'm not going anywhere, not unless you want me to," she said, softly. "I don't want to imagine my life without you in it."
Maggie sniffled. "I want to believe you, Alex."
She felt a warmth in her chest that she hadn't felt for ages. There was hope. She moved slightly and looked down into Maggie's eyes. "You can."
She shook her head. "It's not that easy. It takes time, Alex. We have to… to work through this, to see if we can rebuild the trust that was there. We can't just… magically be back together, you know?"
"I know. And I'm willing to put in the work. I'll do whatever you need, whatever you want," she said. "For you. For us."
Alex met Maggie's eyes, saw them searching, looking for something, for the reassurance she needed. "Pool," she finally said. "Tomorrow?"
She smiled. "Pool would be great," she answered.
Maggie nodded and then moved back, letting go of Alex. "I'll text you tomorrow."
She nodded back and stepped through the still-open door. She turned around. "Maggie?"
"Hm?"
"Thank you."
She gave a small nod. "Night, Alex."
Alex smiled, her heart full. "Goodnight, Maggie."
The door closed and she moved down the hallway towards the staircase. As she walked down the steps to the main floor, she considered how lucky she was that Maggie was allowing this, that she hadn't given up on them, that there was hope if nothing else. She exited the stairwell and blinked rapidly when she saw Maggie standing by the elevator, looking at her phone.
"Everything okay?" she asked.
Maggie nodded and held up her index finger. "Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One." She turned her phone to face Alex.
The display read 12:00, January 1, 2018.
"Oh," she said. "Happy new year, Maggie."
Maggie moved towards her and gently cupped her face in her hands. "Happy new year, Alex," she whispered before gently kissing her.
Alex felt her traitorous eyebrows rise in surprise as Maggie kissed her and it took her a moment before she started kissing her back. It felt amazing, even though it wasn't a very long kiss. It was soft and sweet and gentle and it reminded her of better, happier times.
Maggie pulled away. "I'm sorry," she said, "I probably just crossed like, eight lines and probably confused things and… I just… I, uh, I thought a lot about us ringing in 2018 together. About the new life we were about to start together." She fidgeted with her phone and then looked back up at Alex, eyes shining. "I'm happy I could ring in the new year with you after all."
Alex nodded, smiling, though her eyes filled with tears again. "Me too," she said. "And you have nothing to apologize for."
Maggie smiled. "Okay, so, yeah. Pool tomorrow."
"Tomorrow."
"See ya 'round, Danvers."
Alex smiled at her. "Looking forward to it," she said. With one final nod, she turned and walked out of Maggie's building, heading towards the alien bar to celebrate the new year with her sister and their friends.
There's hope, she thought to herself, as she walked. The thought bounced around the inside of her head, kept her heart feeling full and she couldn't stop grinning. There's hope.