"Elsa?"

She was already sat with her back to the door when she heard Anna's voice calling out her name. It had become a habit of hers, waiting for her sister to come and hold a one-sided conversation with the wooden barrier that separated the two girls. she spends every evening like this, curled up with her head resting on her knees, wishing for Anna's ramblings to come floating through the door, reminding her that she hadn't given up on her older sister just yet.

She doesn't deserve Anna, but she's always there, as if she can sense Elsa's need for her.
Of course she doesn't want to have this need for Anna, she didn't choose to rely on the sound of her sister's voice, but that is the way it is, and it's the reason she never talks back, she can't allow herself to need Anna more than she already does, she can't take that risk. It was harder to avoid Anna in the beginning, when she refused to accept Elsa's isolation, shutting her door in the younger girls face for the first time was almost impossible.

One year two weeks ago today,

she could still hear the heart wrenching cries that came from the normally cheerful girl…

- "Please! Elsa, open the door!"

Elsa clenched her eyes shut at the sound of her sister's voice breaking and held back her own sob, she could not give in. Anna continued to hammer her fists against elsa's door, shouting about how no one wants to be alone. Her sister misunderstood her, Elsa didn't want to be alone, but she had to be alone, she was doing this for Anna.

"I know you can hear me Elsa!"

a tear rolled down her cheek and she knew she had to do something before her resolve broke, her hands balled into fists and she took a deep breath before calling out with as much anger in her voice as she could muster, "Go away Anna!"
The sharp intake of breath that came from her sister nearly made her take it all back, open the door and just hug her, but she couldn't let all her hard work go to waste. She thanked whatever god must've been watching over her, when her sister finally stood up and walked away. -

"Elsa, I've had a really bad week"

I've had a really bad year.

it was not an exaggeration, she had lost everyone she cared about, The sisters had lost their father in a car accident early last year, and as a consequence, their mum to drug addiction.
Most of Elsa's friends left when she was forced out of the closet in her first year of upper school, the ones that stayed couldn't handle the bullying.

and then there's this...

She stroked her fingers over the white lines that ran across her arm as the thought went through her head. She had lost herself to this damned curse.
Looking down at the scars that cluttered her skin, her nose wrinkled in distaste, every one of them was a crack in her skin showing how broken she was, a sign of her weakness.
some of them were punishment, a pain she felt she had to suffer, it made her feel as if she had paid for her wrongdoings.
But most of the time it was because she wasn't strong enough, and had to give in to this disgusting craving she felt. Of course it made things feel better, for a short while, and then she was left with the guilt, the shame, and the wounds to show it.

She hated it, but she couldn't live without it.

"I could really use my sister"

No Anna you don't need me, i'll only ruin you, drag you down with me

She wants to be there for Anna, she really does. All she wants is to hold Anna in her arms and tell her it'll be okay, she longs to be a good sister for once, to have a chance to show Anna she can be the sister the younger girl deserves...
But she knows this is the best way to help Anna. If she let Anna get close to her, the bullies would get to her to, they would hurt her, she couldn't let them ruin Anna's life the way they ruined hers.

If it weren't for the bullies tormenting her everyday this past year, she wouldn't have these ugly marks covering her arm. If the bullies turned on Anna… She didn't want to think about Anna having her freckled skin flawed by the same marks her sister possesses, yet the idea still festered inside her head.

That's stupid, Anna would never fall into the trap i have, shes too… happy

But Elsa thought about it anyway, and as every situation crossed her mind she grew more and more distressed, imagining her sister feeling so tortured that she had to take it out on her own body.
Then she realised that this is how Anna would feel about Elsa's affliction, and she vowed to never let Anna find out, she couldn't make Anna hurt this much.

She hears a sigh from the other side of the door, then "Goodnight Elsa," followed by a hesitant "I love you."
As her sisters footsteps quieten Elsa finally allows herself to cry, her body shaking with sobs as she places a hand against the door.

I love you too Anna

She sniffs and glances over to the bathroom door, knowing her relief lay behind. Wiping her tears she slowly gets up and walks over to her calendar,

1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..

"10 days clean," she says with a weak smile "new record." and with a shaking hand, she marks a red 'x' on today's date.