IS LOVE ENOUGH?

Chapter One – Return of the Errant Lover

He got out of the taxi, dropped his bags, looked around. He was nervous, stomach not quite right for reasons he could not really name and was relieved that he didn't see anyone. Or was he. He couldn't quite figure out just what it was he was hoping for.

He pulled out his mobile and texted:

"I'm here, sis, a bit early. Came to spend Christmas with you. Where are you?..." He hesitated, then added, "and where is…"

He couldn't finish the text, so picked up his bags, unlocked the door, and climbed the stairs.

A knock. The same trembling hand that could not even complete the word 'he' much less his name was now knocking at his door. Well, their door, actually, their flat, his and Syed's.

Jane rushed to the door to head off the disaster, but she was too late. Christian unlocked and opened the door and walked in before she could stop him, protect him, protect them both, just as Syed was entering the kitchen. Syed stopped, hand shaking, almost releasing the coffee cup he was holding. And then they commenced staring at each other, without a word or a gesture, without a shift towards, nor a retreat from, the other.

The silence was charged, a mix of anger, confusion, sorrow, and yes, passion, still that remarkable pull. But both men overlaid it with bitter resentments. Attraction and repulsion in equal force. It hurt less that way.

Amria trotted in just at that moment. She snarled:

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to see my sister for Christmas" Christian replied.

Syed blanched ever so slightly and his eyes gleamed ever so slightly. Christian noted, as he often had, that Syed had the most expressive eyes, dark, Glimmerglass brown, untrammelled by the shittiness of the world, a transparent glance, something pure, that even his forays into lying and cheating could not erase. He trained those eyes on Christian and Christian, startled, added softly,

"And you."

They stood and stared at each other, and Jane remembered what she had told Christian in the hospital, as a lovesick brother sobbed at that thought that he has almost lost his love. She made a decision, grabbed Amira and asked her to go out for some groceries for dinner. Amira stiffened and started to shuffle over to Syed but Jane grabbed her, said that she needed help finding hallal meat, and dragged her out of the flat. Amira struggled, but then she saw the couch that he continued to sleep on and docilely walked out after Christian's sister.

"Where have you been…staying." Syed altered the question, posing the neutral curious one in place of the hurt accusatory one.

"Brighton." Christian answered. " I found some work in a restaurant and took care of some mates' house while they were on holiday. How are you?"

"I'm fine." Syed replied. "

Christian took a step forward and asked tersely,

"That's it? That's all you can answer? How have you been, what have you been doing?"

Syed didn't flinch, didn't move back, but didn't move forward either. Christian reached out to touch his face, and then Syed raised his hand and brushed Christian's gesture away. Christian noticed the hand with the ring on it and snarled,

"Oh, so that's how it is. While the gay's away, the straight will play. So now you're back to playing happy families, this time, complete with baby. How sweet, and how typical of you!"

Syed moved forward til his face was a hairbreadths away from Christian's. He spat out his denial.

"I have spent very night on that settee since you left, every night for the past 6 weeks. I didn't stop being a gay man because you left. I haven't touched her, or anyone else for that matter, Christian, not since you climbed into that taxi."

"You're a liar, Syed." Christian harangued him.

"And you are disgusting. Who were you sleeping with, in Brighton? I told you once, I was a one man man, and you were the man. I love Amira, but I have never been in love with her, never desired her, and the baby, her return, your departure, has…not….changed… that. I'm gay, Christian. I'm gay. Your departure hasn't changed that!"

"Then why is she still here, and why the fuck are you wearing the wedding ring."

Syed twisted it around and then pulled it off and flung it at Christian.

"There. It's off. I am not wearing the wedding ring. And what does that change, Christian, what difference does that ring on or off mean? She is the mother of my child, she defied her father to allow me to be a father to Yasmin, and she is my friend, she's the one who has stood by me."

Christian sighed.

"Then why were you wearing it?"

"You just don't give up, do you? You want to know? I guess you'll hear any minute now, when Jane and Amira return. We have started a business and are moving to Pakistan with my mother and Yusef, who are now married, and Tamwar and Afia. I put on the ring 'cause it looked better for the investors for me to seem like a respectable married man, and because I will need to hide that side of me for the time we stay in Pakistan."

Christian was shocked. He gaped at Syed and shook his head. But before he could say anything, Syed began in a bitter tone,

"What, you can go off, but I am supposed to stay here, pining for you? You dumped me like a teenager, through a mobile phone conversation with your sister. 'You're dumped' she told me, 'move on', 'he's not coming back', so I moved on. Not with another man, not to pretend once more that I could be a straight and happily married man, but on with some of my plans and dreams that I had put aside for us."

"You were going to leave, to move to Pakistan?"

"Yes, Christian, I was going to leave. Heartsick Syed was nonetheless getting on with his life."

Syed walked away and turned to look out the window, to hide the tears in his eyes and the trembling he felt at the nearness of this man whom he both loved and hated.

"Well, it was your leaving that started all of this, if you remember. You said some ugly things to me, Syed, and then walked out that door."

Syed whirled around, this time outraged and furious.

"I went to work. You know, that thing called responsibility. I went to work, to see the clients who were depending on me. You are unbelievable. I went to work. I didn't get in a cab and drive away. And you know what, Christian, I think I am going to do it again. There's nothing more to say."

Syed walked over and grabbed his leather jacket, but this time, Christian held on and pulled him back into the room.

Syed. Let's talk. Please. Let's talk. "

"NO. There is nothing to say, Christian, nothing at all."

And thus they stood, held together by a leather jacket clutched by an escapee and a captor, although which was which was hard to tell.

"I still love you, Syed " he said sadly, "And you love me, too. Can't you feel it?"

Syed regarded him for awhile before answering.

"You left me. Yeah, okay , Christian, yeah, I still love you. But it's not enough, as you said, as you walked away from me and my love, 'it's not enough'. And you were right. "

Something was different, some shift in the balance of power, passed between them. Syed was the stronger now, and Christian devastated, as he realized that he was losing him, and that he did not want to. Syed was slipping away and he knew he had to try to stop him.

"Can we talk about it? I'm here now, I've come back."

Syed regarded him with coldness in his brown eyes.

"We can talk. But Amira and I are off soon back to Pakistan, so I don't see what difference it will make. And now, I have some last clients to see."

And with that, he was out the door, leaving behind him a shaken and perplexed Christian.