Suikoden II – Yet another side
Interlude (Nanamis PoV)
I'm breathing.
This isn't something I usually notice but this time, it's a different story. Because I shouldn't be able to breathe anymore.
I still remember the pain, the way my breath hitched, and the way it got colder and colder...
The pain is still there. With every breath I draw, I can feel something hurting in my chest but in this case, pain probably means that I'm still alive. I just don't know in what condition I am and if it wasn't better if I actually had died.
I open my eyes, blinking in the light of an oil lamp which paints dark shadows across my surroundings. Where am I? I'm lying in a bed. It could almost be comfortable if breathing wouldn't hurt so much. But at least it's warm.
A strange odor reaches my nostrils. It smells of herbs and the odaxetic stuff Doctor Huan has used when I ripped open half of my forearm on a nail in a board fence.
Signature smell of the infirmary. This means I'm home, back at Dunan Castle. Well... If you can call this place home, anyway. I'll never feel homey here.
It's strangely quiet. Almost as if it was night... But maybe it is. I remember that the sun was setting when that arrow hit me. The Knightdom of Matilda... Gorudo... I haven't liked him since the first time I came face to face with him, back then, before the Hilltop Conference in Muse began. I can't believe he was almost responsible for my death.
Because that's what should have happened... I should be dead. But I'm alive.
"How are you feeling?" It's Doctor Huan's quiet, exhausted voice. I turn my head so that I can see him. That's about the only thing I can do – the rest of my body feels so heavy, I can't even lift a finger.
"Did he use his Rune?" I demand without answering his question. The doctor comes closer into the light of the lamp and I can see now that he looks just as tired as he sounds.
"No," he says and shakes his head. "Lord Riou has used up his Rune during the fight with Lord Gorudo. He did not have the energy to heal you."
"That's good." I let out a sigh of relief. Had my baby brother used his Rune, I would have had to beat him up for it... Too many people look up to him; he can't just use all of his energy to heal me.
"Does anything hurt?" Doctor Huan asks and I nod.
"It's hard to breathe..."
"The arrow has almost torn one of your lungs," he explains, looking very sad. "I did everything I could but I'm afraid that you'll never regain your former stamina."
"That's okay." And it's true. Because... I made a decision.
Back when Riou was holding me and I saw him cry for the first time since Grandpa Genkaku's death... In that very moment, I was absolutely sure that I would die but it was also then that I realized that I neither had the power nor the will to keep on fighting left in me.
I can't watch my brother and my best friend fighting each other. Something went terribly wrong and I couldn't prevent it... And now, Jowy is king of Highland and Riou is the leader of the Allied Army. There's no place left for me and even if there was, I wouldn't want it.
I understand that I can't stand by Riou's side anymore. And if... if this is how I disappear from his life, then... it will be.
"Surely, you want to see your brother," Doctor Huan says. "I will go and..."
"No." I can rather feel than see his surprised look. I stare upwards, at the dark ceiling above me.
"No?" Doctor Huan repeats. "Nanami, he has been waiting outside that door for hours. And half of the castle's population, too... Don't you want to talk to him?"
"I..." I start talking but have to stop because of a coughing fit – each breath hurts like hell. But it's okay... I don't have to fight anymore...
"I have made a decision, Doctor Huan," I eventually manage to say. Never before has my voice sounded so weak. Is he really sure I'll survive this? "I will go... and I won't be coming back."
"You won't die," he assures me. But that's not what I mean.
"I know," I reply. "But... I want you to tell Riou that I have."
"Pardon...?" He doesn't understand. Of course not. I bet nobody has ever asked something like that before...
"I can't go on like that, Doctor Huan," I say. "Riou and Jowy are everything to me. They're my family. And I... I can't watch them fight anymore. Please, Doctor. Let me go. I... I'll return home, to Kyaro Town. And maybe one day..." I blink away the tears that dwell in my eyes but one of them still manages to run down my cheek. "Maybe one day, they'll come back to me."
"Nanami..."
"Maybe my death is the only way to end this stupid war," I continue. "Maybe..." I stop and give him a pleading look. The doctor watches me for a very long time. Then, he sighs,
"He will mourn."
"I know. And I'm so very sorry... but... this time, I have to be selfish. This war... it rips me apart from the inside, Doctor Huan. I just can't go on anymore." For a long while, it is very, very quiet.
I can hear murmurs and whispers from the other side of the door which separates my room from the rest of the hospital ward. Is it really half of the castle out there? Riou is there, for sure. And Nina. Eilie and Rina with whom I get on so well and Bolgan, of course. Maybe even Viktor and Flik... but no, they probably have better things to do than to sit around outside my door.
"I see," Doctor Huan says after what feels like an eternity. He sighs. "Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Very well... As you wish." He turns around and I can feel a lump in my throat. Runes, I'm a horrible big sister... If Riou ever learns of what I did, he'll hate me forever.
I swallow my tears and close my eyes. It has to be done. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how sorry I am... I can't go on any longer.
"Doctor Huan," I quietly call after him and I can hear how his steps come to a halt.
"Did you change your mind?"
"No," I whisper. "But please, call Lord Shu."
I don't like Shu very much and I know that he doesn't think of me as his best friend, either. But if there is anyone I can trust not to tell Riou of this under any circumstances unless the time is right, it's him.
I hate myself for having to betray my brother like that. But my mind is made up.
I can hear Doctor Huan open the door and before it falls shut, loud voices reach my ears.
So he was right... there's really half of the castle's population waiting outside my door! I suddenly feel even guiltier than before. I just hope that they all can get over it...
I think of Nina, my self-proclaimed best friend, and how we used to sit together in the evenings and talk. I think of Eilie and Rina who have taught me cartomancy and how to brew tea. I think of Meg and Millie who used to drag me through the shopping street on especially boring days until we had bought so much junk that we didn't even know where to put it.
I don't think of how Riou has called me 'big sister' for the first and probably last time while I was lying in his arms, bleeding and half-dead. I'd probably start to cry if I did and would storm out of that door... and that would be the biggest mistake I could make.
"What?" someone suddenly screams from beyond the door. "How could you fail...?" I'm surprised to recognize Flik's voice. So he is there, after all? This surprises me. If he is there, Viktor must be, too... and everyone else...
"Quit it, Flik!" Viktor's deep voice replies. I can hear the pain in his voice. "He did all he could, don't take your anger out on him..." I feel a sharp pain in my chest and this time, it's not my injury that hurts so much.
"I know that!" Flik screams back. "I know! But... But..." He stops and I imagine how he turns away from the door, head down and his hands clenched into fists. I wonder why Flik of all people is so affected...
"Kiba," the Blue Lightning says. "And Nanami... They fought along with us and even though we won... even though we came so far...!" Kiba? Has he... fallen in battle? I think of Klaus and the sad look in his grey eyes when he had said goodbye to his father and I instantly feel sorry for him.
I suddenly notice that it has become dead quiet out there. The voices I could hear before are all quiet now.
"It's not true!" Nina's sobs suddenly break the silence. "It's a lie! She's not dead! Say it isn't true!" I bite my lip and fight against the urge to stand up and run to her, to hug her and to tell her that everything's okay. I can't do that.
Her sobs are followed by an avalanche of voices. Suddenly, the noise becomes so deafening that all I want is to crawl into some corner and hide.
I'm so sorry. I'm so very, very sorry...
The door opens and I can hear Shu's voice say,
"I don't understand, Doctor, what can I do if...?"
"Lord Shu." I turn my head in the general direction his voice comes from. In the light of the oil lamp, I can see how he gives a start and frowns.
"Oh," he says. "Doctor Huan." He looks at the doctor who just shakes his head.
"I'm sorry," I say. "I asked Doctor Huan to do it." Shu frowns some more and comes closer. Then, he asks,
"Are you planning something?" You could call it that. I'm glad that he understands... everyone else would have thrown a tantrum, I think.
"Yes...," I whisper. "I... I'm... thinking about leaving Riou for a while."
"... He will be very sad to hear this," Shu replies in that calm and serious voice he always talks in when he thinks somebody is doing something stupid.
"I know," I say and look away. "I know that but... It's really hard for me. Riou and Jowy are fighting each other... It pains me to see Riou suffering like that. When those arrows were raining down on us and he tried to shield me with his body, I realized it..." I swallow. "He shouldn't do something like that. He's far too important..."
"A leader of men can't act like that," Shu agrees. I'm glad he thinks that way. It calms me and backs the decision I almost regret by now.
"That's why... I'm going to let you have him all for yourself for a while," I say. Shu snorts at my choice of words but doesn't comment on it. Instead, he asks,
"What will you do?"
"I'll go back to Kyaro, to Grandpa Genkaku's house," I reply without hesitation. "I think it's safe. And besides..." I draw a deep breath and ignore the sharp pain that flashes through my chest. I'll have to get used to it. "When all of this is over, Riou will need a place to come home to, right?" I let out a mirthless laugh but stop very soon because laughing hurts even more than breathing or talking.
"That's true." Shu bows his head so that his face is in the shadow and I can't see his expression.
"I beg you to tell Riou about this conversation if he ever can return home," I plead and try to look into the strategist's eyes that I can't stand because he's cold and calculating. But I can see a storm of feelings in his eyes when he looks at me again. Suddenly, I understand that I'm no better than him in this moment.
"Why are you asking me of all people?" He turns around, away from me. I smile at his back – I can't see any more of him – and say,
"Because I know that you won't tell him about this unless it is absolutely necessary." I can hear his amused snort.
"You're right."
"I know." It's quiet for another moment; the only thing I can hear is my too loud and rattling breathing. Then, Shu turns around to face me again but before he can say anything, a commotion breaks out on the other side of the door. Doctor Huan mumbles something and hurries outside. I'm glad that the people outside seem to be preoccupied with something so that they won't try and peek inside.
Shu throws a worried glance at Doctor Huan when he re-enters the room. If at all possible, he looks ever more tired than before.
"Lord Riou has passed out," he informs us while he packs his bag and hurries around in the small room. Next thing I know, he's gone again and me and Shu are left alone.
"That idiot..." I sigh. Shu looks at me questioningly and raises an eyebrow.
"He's used up all his energy when he used the Rune... and he hasn't slept at all since we're back, right?," I ask and he nods grimly.
"Lord Riou has outright refused to step away from your door. It's a miracle he hasn't tried to break through by force," he says. I sigh again and shake my head.
"He won't do things like that once I'm gone. There won't be anyone to take such risks for." Shu watches me and then says,
"I didn't think you could do such a noble thing. I guess I underestimated you..."
"It's not noble," I reply quietly. "It's neither noble nor for his own good, Lord Shu. It's my own selfish wish..." I hear him snort again but I don't see anything funny in this. It's more remarkably pathetic...
"We all have the right to be selfish," he says eventually. "Especially in a situation like that. But don't get me wrong..." He shakes his head. "I'm glad you're doing this. Lord Riou can concentrate on his task now. He'll have even more reason to end this war." I pull a grimace.
There's a good reason I can't stand Shu and this is him being his usual self. The one I hate.
But it's okay. I may not like him, but he is a good strategist and Riou trusts him... as do I, albeit grudgingly.
"I'll prepare everything for a funeral," Shu says after a long silence that feels like an eternity. I bet he's as uncomfortable as me to be in a room with each other.
I'm sure that I'll never ever like this man.
"Nobody may doubt the fact that Doctor Huan couldn't save you," he says. "But if there's no funeral, they'll be wary. You're Lord Riou's sister, after all..." It's never been adressed that we aren't related by blood and I'm very grateful for that. "Do you think you'll be up and about again in three days?"
"Yes," I say even though I'm not so sure about it.
"We'll sneak you out of the castle, then," Shu goes on in that sober voice as if we were talking about the weather and not about my staged funeral. "Try to get as much rest as possible until then." He turns to go and has almost reached the door when I say,
"Lord Shu?" He half-faces me and watches me expectantly. "Thank you." His face is unreadable as he nods and leaves the room, leaving me behind in the silence of the informary.
For a moment, I lie there with my eyes wide open, then I take a deep breath – I wonder if I'll ever get used to the pain? – and close them. Almost immediately, I fall into deep slumber.
I think I've never seen the people of Dunan Castle as quiet as on the day everyone gathers on the graveyard behind the castle.
Shu has organized everything perfectly; nobody suspects anything as I join the crowd, cloaked and just another face among many, and watch the veiled human figure which everyone believes to be my dead body. I watch as the ragdoll it actually is is consumed by flames along with its bed of wood. My funeral pyre.
Even from back here I can see how hollow Riou's eyes are. Hollow and red from all the tears he has undoubtedly shed. I know that only reason he's not crying now is that he has done so the past three days he has spent locked inside his room.
Nina cries – loud and clear. Eilie, Meg and Millie, too. Flik has closed his eyes and is facing away from the pyre as if he is thinking of past funerals. Viktor stares into the fire with an unreadable expression. I can hear Shiro's howl and Mukumuku's cry from a tree nearby.
I'm surprised that so many people have gathered here today. But most of them probably aren't here because of me - but to take the opportunity to mourn for everyone they have lost in this war.
"Are you ready?" Doctor Huan quietly asks from behind me and I nod. As ready as I'll ever be...
I turn away, grateful for the dark cloak I am wearing - not only is it hiding my face, but also the rest of my body. In fact, I look like Clive... I wonder if Shu has taken one of his cloaks from the laundry and the thought makes me grin.
From the corner of my eye I notice Shu also leaving the funeral.
I follow Doctor Huan through the deserted corridors of the castle until we reach the main entrance and remember the discussions we had the past three days. He didn't want to let me go until my injury has healed.
But I've seen the thing he calls injury – it's red and scarred and ugly and hurts and it sure as hell won't do me the favor and heal in three days. In fact, I doubt the hole in my chest will ever heal properly.
I have to leave. With every passing day I have more time to regret my decision. If there is one thing I'm not willing to do it's regretting what I'm doing right now.
"Don't forget to change the bandages as often as possible," Doctor Huan reminds me for what feels like the thousandth time. "And take this medicine on an empty stomach in the mornings." He gives me a package with the medicine I have come to hate by now and the bandages he has cut for me.
"Thank you, Doctor," I reply and carefully place the package inside the bag I am hiding under the cloak. Every move tugs at the stitches that hold the hole in my chest together.
"I can't send a bodyguard with you," Shu says as he reaches us. "So please do me a favor and try not to die along the way. Otherwise your plan won't be any good."
"Don't worry," I assure him. "I can look after myself." Shu mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like "We've seen that," but I ignore him. I'm not in the mood to fight with him.
"Be careful," Doctor Huan sighs and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Farewell, Nanami."
"Farewell, Doctor," I whisper and fight the urge to hug him. Then, I turn to Shu. "Farewell... Shu." The strategist only nods and shakes my hand stiffly.
I look at the two men for another moment, and then I turn around and slowly make my way down the road which will lead me to South Window, then to Radat and eventually to Kyaro.
I don't hurry because there is no reason to. If I exert myself, I'll pass out on the way, so it's better to take it easy. Nobody has the slightest idea of what I have done – nobody will follow me. The people I will meet won't know me.
I died and yet I am alive.
Only after there are several miles between me and Dunan Castle, I dare to look back. I'm standing on a small grassy hill and look back to the castle.
The sun is shining untimely and if it weren't for the thick and dark trail of smoke that is coming from the castle, you'd think everything was perfectly fine. Except it isn't...
As the wind blows the heavy hood from my head and runs through my hair, I can feel the tears dwelling again.
"Riou... Forgive me." My whisper is so quiet that I almost can't hear myself. Then I finally turn away and move on.
I never look back again.