Disclaimer: Don't own.
It was dark, and his eyes were unfocused. He felt disoriented. He could smell the scent of blood in the air, and it made his stomach turn. His eyes began to focus and he wearily looked around. The trees. It looked familiar, but something wasn't clicking into place. He stood and stumbled back into a tree, catching himself on the bark. Wet. He looked down and noticed that it was his hand. It was covered in blood, along with his standard issue uniform.
"Ka…kashi…"
A broken voice called out to him, distracting him from his blood soaked state. He stumbled forward, aimlessly toward the voice that sounded so familiar. That made him hope he was wrong.
Suddenly the trees disappeared leaving him in a clearing with tall grass that swayed with the wind that carried the scent of blood.
"'Kashi…"
His chest constricted at the sudden call of his pet name. There's only one person that called him that. He stumbled forward, staining the grass that touched him. Unable to think, he felt his legs grow heavy and suddenly he couldn't breathe.
"…'Kashi…"
He stumbled and fell, catching himself on his hands and knees. He panted and coughed what he hoped wasn't blood. He opened his eyes and found chocolate eyes looking up at him. His throat constricted, making him unable to speak. His lover was clean, unlike himself. He wanted to push himself away, suddenly scared of dirtying the younger man under him. But his body turned numb, all he could do was stare
"'Kashi," Iruka reached up to touch him. And he could have sworn that the hand did, that it should have. But it didn't. Instead it went right through him. Tears weld up in the chocolate eyes, "…I miss you…" The whisper echoed in the clearing, making the jounin's heart ache in sudden realization --
Kakashi woke up with a shock, a cold sweat covering him. He blinked to clear his vision, and realized that they were tears. He let out a slow breath before slowly rolling off the bed, trying not to wake his sleeping lover. He ran a shaky hand through his hair as he made his way to the bathroom, the door clicking behind him. He splashed his face with cold water, trying to make himself to stop shaking. He caught his reflection in the mirror, a tired face looked back. The sharingan swirled slowly. He shut it and ran his fingers over the scar, sudden memories rushed back to him.
"…are you ok…? Rin…Kakashi…."
He shook his head, trying to clear his mind.
"'Kashi…I miss you…"
He let out a shaky breath, not being able to understand what he should think of it. The image of Iruka's eyes welling up with tears, with so much sadness. Not being able to feel the younger man's touch. Kakashi felt his throat tighten; sudden tears burned his eyes, and heard a soft knock on the door.
"'Kashi, are you alright?" came the muffled question.
"Yeah, I'm fine," his voice came out broken. He wiped at his eyes and smeared the tears across his cheeks.
The door slowly opened, the chunin entered and closed the distance between them. He rubbed the jounin's tense back, "Liar," he said softly trying to look into the older man's face, "Are you alright?"
The jounin nodded and splashed his face again and noticed that he was still shaking. Suddenly he smelled blood and it made him gag and cough.
"Come on," Iruka gently tugged him towards the bed, making him sit down. He took a seat next to the pale man, facing him, "Kakashi…was it a nightmare?" Kakashi gave him a small nod, still not looking at him. Before he could say anything else, Kakashi pulled him into a tight embrace, and felt the older man burry his face into his neck. Iruka instantly held on to him. He felt his chest clench as the older man held on to him for dear life. He rubbed the jounin's back soothingly.
"Why…" the jounin's whisper was strained.
Iruka was caught off guard by the sudden question, "What?" he whispered back into the jounin's ear.
There was a long pause before the jounin continued, "Why do you love me?...when you know…" his voice trailed off, broken.
"Are you saying I shouldn't?" he asked quietly in the dark room, dimly lit by the moonlight.
"I…I'm saying…," the jounin shifted and rested his forehead on the younger man's shoulder, "I'm saying that I don't want to hurt you, Iruka."
Iruka pulled away and cupped the older man's face. He looked into mismatched eyes and his heart ached when he found them glistening with unshed tears, "I know…" he started, "I know that a shinobi's duty…," he gave him a small smile, leaving the thought unfinished, "but despite all of that, I still love you, and I would have it no other way," he ran his thumb under the pale blue eye, "Meeting you, Kakashi, was chance. Becoming friends with you, was a choice. Falling in love with you, was something I couldn't control…and I would never regret it. Any of it."
"Iruka…," he closed his eyes and let out a slow breath.
"Come on," he gestured over to the bed, and crawled over to the pillows, holding his lover's hand. Kakashi settled on top of him, his head on Iruka's chest, and his arms protectively around his lover. Iruka continued to rub a soothing hand on his back.
Iruka lifted the jounin face and began planting kisses along the pale forehead, the vertical scar, the straight nose, and the pink lips. Each kiss as tender as the next, trying to wash away doubts and insecurities. The older man closed his eyes under the ministration and let out a shuddering breath.
"Do you have regrets Kakashi?" Iruka whispered against his lips.
Kakashi gave him a small smile, "Of course not, Ruru. Not between us. You're the best thing that has happened to me...," Iruka blushed at the sudden words, "even if sometimes I feel as if I don't deserve you," his eyes softened, "but if you'll have me...if you'll keep me..."
Iruka locked Kakashi into a tender, passionate kiss. He didn't know what kind of nightmare the older man could have had to make him insecure. Kakashi was always confident, teasing, and surprisingly romantic. But right now, his vulnerability made Iruka's heart ache. Iruka pulled away slowly, brushing his lips against the other pair, "I wouldn't have it any other way…" He felt Kakashi smile against his lips.
Silence fell over them, laying in the darkness. Iruka subconsciously threaded his fingers through the silver locks that belonged to the comfortable weight on top of him. He felt the older man lift his head and plant a lingering kiss below his ear lobe, before settling back down, and slowly drifted into sleep. Iruka continued to thread his fingers, coaxing the man into deeper sleep.
I understand what you're feeling, Kakashi…we're shinobi, it's only natural, his eyes drifted down to the older man sleeping on top of him, and smiled fondly at him, but you seem to forget, that we are also human…His hand slowed to a stop as he followed his lover to sleep.
Iruka woke up and found the comfortable weight wasn't on him anymore. He shifted and looked at the window and found his lover sitting on the window sill, one leg inside the other on the window's edge. The older man faced the village, the lower half of his face conveniently hidden behind the arm that rested on his raised knee, watching the village glow with the sunrise. He would find the jounin in such a position on occasion, usually after long missions. Iruka sat up, not taking his eyes of his lover. The older man turned to him when he heard the shifting, and gave him a warm smile.
"Good Morning, Iruka."
"Good Morning, 'Kashi," he stifled a yawn, "Come back to bed?" Iruka glanced at the clock, 5:13am, confirming that it was too early for a weekend. When the older man didn't join him, he gave him a concerned look, "What time did you get up?"
"Don't remember," he replied as he continued his gaze out the window.
"Kakashi…" Iruka hesitated, wondering if he should question the older man's behavior, "Is…is there something bothering you?"
The older man continued his gaze before answering, "Are sure Iruka…that you don't have any regrets?"
Iruka was taken at back by the question, "Yes, I'm sure," what is this all about? Iruka scooted to the edge of the bed as the older man moved from his position at the window.
Kakashi stood in front of him for a moment, "This isn't how I wanted to do this."
Iruka was now seriously confused, "What…" his voice left him as Kakashi dropped to one knee in front of him. The older man gave him a serious look before he opened his clenched hand to reveal a velvet black box. Iruka's eyes went wide and found himself speechless, he looked back at the older man who was smiling softly at him.
"Iruka…," he opened the velvet box to reveal a thin matte silver ring, one that didn't reflect back too much light, one that didn't attract too much unwanted attention. Iruka felt his cheeks heat up and his heart skipped a beat…or five, "Will you let me spend the rest of my life with you? Will you continue making me happy, happier than I've ever been? Iruka, will you marry me?"
Iruka wasn't breathing, and he realized that when he exhaled sharply. His face was burning up and he felt tears weld up in his eyes. The jounin waited patiently for his answer, and Iruka noticed, that Kakashi, the great Sharingan Kakashi, was nervous. Just as Kakashi opened his mouth to say something Iruka threw himself at the older man, wrapping his arms around the pale neck, tumbling on to the floor with a surprised grunt from the jounin.
Iruka pulled away and hovered above the jounin, smiling down at him before crashing their lips together, "Of course, Kakashi. Of course I'll marry you."
The jounin gave a sigh of relief and sat up, a smile on face as he took the ring from the box and slipped the silver ring onto the left tan ring finger. He took the hand and kissed the ring. Iruka noticed, now that he regained control of himself, that the silver band had a square diamond embedded into it. The matte finish reflected hardly any light, good if he were to wear it on a mission, and it kept a masculine appearance despite the diamond. Iruka smiled and looked from the ring to his lov – fiancée.
"If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been planning this?"
Kakashi scratched at the back of his neck nervously and averted his eyes from his lov – fiancée, "Uh, a few months…" he gave a nervous chuckle and felt himself blush.
"Months?" Iruka quirked an eyebrow, Months?!
"Uh…I was planning a romantic evening…and whatnot," he scratched his cheek, making Iruka smile with his acts of nervousness, "…that, and I've been a coward…" Kakashi let out a sigh.
"'Coward?' Were you afraid I was going to say no?" Kakashi blushed in response, making Iruka chuckle, "You're an idiot sometimes," Iruka leaned in and gave the older man a tender kiss.
They understood the risk they were taking. But, life's too short.