Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 2
EPISODE 25
Airdate: April 13, 2014
Title: The Trip
Segway Segment: RoundTable ("Why does pop carry around such a negative stigma?")
Special Guest Stars: None
Satire/Social Commentary: None
Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Andrew Overtoom, storyboarded by Craig Hodgkins, directed by Sam Henderson
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Freddie Benson Gymnasium
Seattle, Washington
It's physical education class. Every member of Testicular Sound Express, Halley, Ashley, Travis, and Malik are there. RK notices Jaylynn is walking around like someone went to town on her ass.
RK: Jaylynn, what...what the hell? Why are you walking like that?
JAYLYNN: I fell down the stairs this morning and landed on my butt.
RK: Oh my God! Are you OK?!
JAYLYNN: I should be. As long as I don't aggravate it any further.
RK: Well, in that case...
(RK sets up for a hard slap to Jaylynn's ass)
JAYLYNN: DON'T even think about it. You try anything, I'll snap your neck, don't test me.
RK: The snapping necks is my shtick! You asshole.
JAYLYNN: Whatever.
Meanwhile, on the bleachers, Sparky and Wade are witnessing Buster pour one drink from a bottle into a similar bottle. For some reason, this has piqued their interest.
WADE: I'm not sure if I should comment on these events.
SPARKY: I guess I'll ask.
(Sparky walks up to Buster)
SPARKY: Hey, Buster, buddy.
BUSTER: What's up, Alex Mack?
SPARKY: What are you doing?
BUSTER: I'm pouring this bottle of pink lemonade into THIS bottle of pink lemonade.
SPARKY: That doesn't make any sense. You could just use the bottle you bought today.
BUSTER: Go somewhere! I bought this other bottle a week ago. Conservation doesn't grow on trees, Sparky!
(Sparky has a bored look, and goes back to Wade)
WADE: It's exactly what I think, isn't it?
SPARKY: Yup.
MR. KNIESTE: Everybody sit down on the floor if you're playing today! I have an important announcement to make!
MALIK: Nigga, no one cares.
TRAVIS: Malik, don't use racial slurs like that. You say, "Bitch, no one cares." OK?
MALIK: OK.
TRAVIS: Now, go play in the mud.
MALIK: What?
TRAVIS: I don't know, I was trying to be a white dad.
MR. KNIESTE: So, you guys know what Project Adventure is, right?
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: PROJECT ADVENTURE?!
TRAVIS: Project Adventure?!
MALIK: Project Adventure, bitch?!
JAYLYNN: Some of us don't know what that is.
RK: And by some, you literally only mean you, right?
(long pause)
JAYLYNN: Yes.
MR. KNIESTE: Project Adventure has traditionally been one of our most beloved field trips in iCarly Elementary School. We go to an outdoor obstacle course/athletic complex, and the whole day is just a series of cool competitions, trust exercises, team-building events. And in two weeks, the fourth grade is going!
(cheering from the kids)
JAYLYNN: Hey, that actually sounds pretty cool.
RK: Pretty cool? Project Adventure is so cool, when people say they need to stay cool, they say they need to stay Project Adventure.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, you're going to have a major blast. It's like you're going up against the harsh wilderness but at the same time being surrounded by kids you hate. It's a win-win for everybody.
WADE: Ah, the storied field trip. In the annals of education, one just doesn't look at such an adventure and think of anything rudimentary. They need a project AND adventure simultaneously to be complete. They need Project Adventure.
RK: Why...why do you feel the need sometimes?
BUSTER: You guys are all forgetting the best part of Project Adventure. We also get spit on by hitchhikers and accosted by panhandlers.
WADE: That doesn't happen!
BUSTER: Oh yeah, it did in my nightmare last week. That's what I get for thinking six cans of Mountain Dew Kickstart at a time was a good idea.
TRAVIS: You shouldn't drink too much of that stuff anyway, Buster. You could crash and burn like that easily.
(disappointed) BUSTER: Oh yeah, I forgot, we're going to have a lot of interaction now.
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Sparky's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is rummaging through his closet.
SPARKY: You know, at times I wish I was Hannah Montana. Maybe then it would be easier to choose clothes from my not-so-spacious closet. Although it could be worse. I could keep all my clothes in the not-so-spacious alcove.
(downstairs, having heard Sparky's crack) ALCOVE: You know what? (Bleep) him.
(walking into the bedroom, looking dazed) BITCH CLOCK: Dude, drinking three bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade after being at Full Sail University if you catch my drift? Incredible. It's like the girls from Pretty Little Liars are in your jammy and you want to get to know them beyond the initial attraction, but you're getting it from four chicks at once so...you know. What's going on with you?
SPARKY: I'm going to Project Adventure in two weeks and I need to find something really nice to wear.
BITCH CLOCK: Dude, you know what that is? That's a white girl problem and I will not have white girl problems in this house! Look, just put on a hat, T-shirt, camo shorts, sneakers, possibly try to convince people you've put on weight, and you'll be fine.
SPARKY: Well, I have been trying to look fatter without actually BEING fatter. Thanks, Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: You're welcome. Hey, do you have $50? I picked up this prostitute near a Checkers and now she wants to see how a Cleveland Steamer is performed in Seattle.
SPARKY: You know, I'm pretty relieved that you don't take care of me.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK and Buster are walking around the area as other kids stroll by to get to their next class.
RK: Man, Project Adventure is going to be SIIIIICK!
BUSTER: For all our sakes, please remember to hand in your permission slip on time. We don't need a repeat of last year.
CUTAWAY GAG
It's the April 2013 edition of the Project Adventure trip. All the kids appear to be dressed casual as if they're participating in events of some sort. They're congregating near the bus at the entrance of iCarly Elementary School.
MR. KNIESTE: Alright, let's see who's here today. I'll do a quick head count. One, two...
SPARKY: Where's RK?
BUSTER: I know that his permission slip is late. But it's not like him to miss this trip.
RK runs toward the scene wearing nothing but his underwear. But he has his permission slip.
RK: I'M HERE, I'M HERE! Don't you kids worry, I'm here in the place to be! K. La Boss, I think this is for you.
MR. KNIESTE: One, I told you to stop calling me that and two, why are you almost naked?
(RK looks at himself, and then at the shocked looks of the kids)
TRAVIS: I know this nigga's gay.
RK: OK, I know this looks bad, guys, but don't worry. I made sure to brush my teeth.
END OF CUTAWAY
RK: Damn, my abs were so toned last year. Weren't they? Weren't my abs all toned and creamy and buttery toast-like?
BUSTER: I'm not answering that clearly homoerotic question.
Ashley walks by the two.
ASHLEY: Hi RK.
RK: Ashley, my homegirl.
The two hug.
ASHLEY: Hi Buster.
BUSTER: Oh, I'm not a hugger sometimes. I have to instill in you the firm handshake.
Buster is firm as possible, but Ashley's hand is just too squeamish for some reason.
(bored) BUSTER: We'll...we'll get there eventually.
RK: So, Ashley, Project Adventure is in two weeks.
ASHLEY: I know that. I can't wait.
RK: Right, and since you have to be partners with someone on the trip, us being partners would be so rad. Not like Stacey Q. rad, but you get the idea.
ASHLEY: I don't think us being partners is a good thing.
RK: I mean, teenagers back then did not have good female pop artists, let me tell ya. WAIT, WHAT?! Oh, I see, Ashley. Cat's out of the bag now. You don't want to be friends anymore and this is your way of streamlining it for your own self-satisfaction. (BLEEP) YOUR LIFE!
ASHLEY: Please don't be mean like that, RK. Why would I want to stop being friends? I'm just saying that we do a lot of stuff together already so we don't need to be partners on the trip.
RK: But Sparky and Halley are going to be partners!
ASHLEY: That's different, and we're not Sparky and Halley.
RK: But Sparky and Halley are going to be partners!
ASHLEY: You just said that.
(long pause)
RK: But Jennifer got hers pierced!
(Ashley gives a worried RK a bored look; meanwhile, Buster is checking out Yomaris as she walks on by)
BUSTER: Man, I would love to slice that up.
(RK and Ashley give Buster a blank stare)
BUSTER: You guys don't need to know every part of my life! GAH!
(Buster leaves in a huff)
RK: Look, Ashley, you need to reconsider! You know how most people bring Doritos and FOUR sauces to trips?!
ASHLEY: No.
RK: Well, I'M bringing Doritos and FIVE sauces. It's wacky! See how wacky I'm being with my wackiness?!
(away from view as background noise) MALIK: Bro, just whack off already.
(RK has an angry look)
ASHLEY: RK, you're so weird. Which is why I know you're going to find a partner easily. I was thinking about asking Jaylynn.
RK: Jaylynn? THE Jaylynn?
ASHLEY: Yes. THE Jaylynn. Do you know if she's going?
RK: She is, but she doesn't know about the partner system. Dammit.
ASHLEY: We've rarely ever talked and she seems cool so I'm going to go for it.
RK: Ashley, if I were you, I wouldn't be so sure that Jaylynn's cool. Behind closed doors, she's a caged animal. You wouldn't believe what she did last week.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK sits down at lunch to eat his burrito and Jaylynn takes it.
END OF CUTAWAY
ASHLEY: She just stole your burrito?
RK: You were just told it, but I...I LIVED IT!
SCENE 4
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Transitional music from Full House plays in the background)
Sparky and Buster are sitting down, watching TV and eating McChickens. Well, Buster is. He's diving in while Sparky is thinking about something. Buster notices this, and his face is already covered in ranch.
BUSTER: Sparks, why aren't you grubbing?
SPARKY: I don't know, Buster. I guess I'm just distracted. The Project Adventure trip is in just a couple days and I'm worried about Halley.
BUSTER: Well, how come?
SPARKY: She's a lot more quiet now, very timid, and she doesn't like making conversations anymore. I don't know, she just seems so boxed in now.
BUSTER: Maybe you should try talking to her and getting the cold facts. I mean, Halley IS your girlfriend. She's not the type to make anything a big problem. If I were you, I would give it some time and if it doesn't improve, get answers.
SPARKY: I don't know about that. Halley hates it when people tell her how to live her life or do certain things. I try to help, she'll probably misconstrue it for another thing.
BUSTER: I hear you. Like when I go buy a CD.
SPARKY: People still do that?
BUSTER: Yeah, it's more of a hipster thing now, and that irritates my privates. Anyway, I would go to the store and whenever I would ask for a Ciara CD, they give me her new one. And I say to myself, "What the hell? I want classic Ciara, 2004-2009 Ciara, not the irrelevant wife of Future named Ciara."
SPARKY: The fact that you put classic and Ciara in the same sentence is a reminder of how old you are.
BUSTER: I don't think that's a bad thing.
SPARKY: Trust me, it will.
SCENE 5
The Hernandez Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
RK is heading towards Jaylynn's house and knocks. He has a distinctive knock that allows people to identify him. It's a mimicked beat of A Tribe Called Quest's "Can I Kick It?" She answers.
JAYLYNN: Hey RK.
RK: Hey Jaylynn. Can we talk?
JAYLYNN: Sure.
Later on...
JAYLYNN: Ashley wants to be my partner on the trip to Project Adventure?
RK: Wait, the trip is tomorrow, how did you not know?
JAYLYNN: You know, I think Ashley DID try to approach me.
CUTAWAY GAG
Jaylynn is at her locker when Ashley walks up to her.
ASHLEY: Hey Jaylynn.
Jaylynn gives Ashley a bewildered stare and leaves to Ashley's confusion.
END OF CUTAWAY
RK: Wait, why did you do that?
JAYLYNN: I don't even know Ashley like that. You're the only person in TSE that's close with her.
RK: But isn't that a bitch move?
JAYLYNN: I can be the biggest bitch you've ever known, I think you guys forget that easily.
RK: Yeah, we do. But listen, you can't be Ashley's partner tomorrow!
JAYLYNN: Why? Because your la-di-da-di crush on her hasn't subsided yet and you want her all to yourself?
(long pause; RK looks disgusted)
RK: Go (bleep) yourself.
JAYLYNN: I'm just kidding, geez. Look, I don't even know if I want to be Ashley's partner. It just seems weird for her to pick me anyway. Like, what? She thinks I'm really cool or something?
RK: Probably. She said how you have an impeccable sense of style, you take charge, and you're just clever enough to be around all the time...(RK's eyes widen and Jaylynn looks worried now)
JAYLYNN: RK, remember what Dr. Osborne said. Not everything you think about is going to be a good thing.
RK: But that's it! I just came up with the master plan of all master plans!
JAYLYNN: RK, any time someone says something that could be counted as vague and irrelevant, you always flip it around and try to milk it for whatever worth it might have. Please don't do it to yourself this time.
RK: Jaylynn, Ashley obviously digs you. Right?
JAYLYNN: In a non-lesbian way, yes.
RK: So the only thing you do when faced with a situation like this is to be an imitator.
JAYLYNN: You're not Puff Daddy, imitation doesn't always work.
RK: Think about it! If I walk, talk, dress and act like you tomorrow, Ashley'll be so stoked on me she won't want to be your partner anymore. Because she'll have the next best thing!
JAYLYNN: You know, the more I hear you talk, the more I want to accept Ashley's offer so I can see how much you crash and burn.
RK: Damn, you're a monster.
JAYLYNN: I'm not a monster, I'm just being practical. (checking her iPad) Like right now, Vegas says you have a 250-1 shot of making this work. And it's rumored that the odds will get worse.
RK: Wow, Vegas is fast. But I don't care about your cynical opinion of negativity. I'm going to be like you, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: God, help us.
("I Wanna Be Like You" by the Jonas Brothers playing in the background)
In his master plan to imitate Jaylynn, RK is pulling out all the stops. He goes to Hot Topic (which has also turned into a depression clinic for goth/emo kids) and buys a male version of Jaylynn's ensemble, including her marijuana skull cap, her purple skull beanie, and Adventure Time snapback. He goes home and tries to walk like Jaylynn and imitate her high voice. He also tries to come up with names for his secret kata, which include the New Secret Kata, the Cimorelli Sandwich, the Gay Joey Gladstone, and Sphingo Fromartie. At one point, Sparky gets a text from Jaylynn that says: "Please help RK." When Sparky responds with "With what exactly?," Jaylynn's reply is: "His life." Sparky looks confused while RK decides to really sell it by dying his hair red, forgetting that Jaylynn has red streaks. The montage ends with RK being proud of himself.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Freddie Benson Gymnasium
Seattle, Washington
JUST A COUPLE DAYS LATER...
A majority of the fourth grade is in the gym about to go to Project Adventure. Everybody is there except for RK. Sparky took Bitch Clock's advice while Buster is wearing a Daniel Bryan "Just Say Yes" T-shirt, camouflage pants and Reebok pumps.
SPARKY: I wonder where RK is.
BUSTER: Same here. I mean, he actually turned in his permission slip on time. Maybe he got sick at the last minute.
SPARKY: Doubt it. RK never gets sick. Except that one time at the zoo.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK is at the zoo with his science class, looking at the zebra habitat. RK starts petting one of the zebras.
RK: Who's a cutie little footie wootie?
(The zebra sneezes on RK's face, and RK looks like he just got smacked up while not understanding it)
RK: OH, YOU'RE (BLEEP) DEAD! COME HERE, YOU PUNK!
(RK tries to jump into the zebra habitat while Mr. Buslovich and zoo security come to take him down)
END OF CUTAWAY
WADE: I'm pretty sure RK will arrive shortly. Ah, I can't wait for an afternoon of enlightenment and high-octane, unadulterated excitement!
Wade is dressed like Buster from the season one Arthur episode "Buster's Dino Dilemma." Sparky and Buster have blank stares.
BUSTER: You look like an androgynous Jermaine Jackson.
WADE: This is my special outfit. I only wear it for very imperative trips such as this one.
SPARKY: Dude, are you sure you want to be running around in that?
WADE: I can handle it. You SHOULD be asking that question to Jaylynn the Fisherman over there.
(wearing a fisherman's hat, a tan vest with various buttons and small hooks, a blue-and white rolled-up plaid shirt, blue Adidas pants, and Chuck Taylors) JAYLYNN: It's Jaylynn the FisherWOMAN, bitch. I actually think I look awesomesauce.
BUSTER: I came to your house last week and you were wearing nothing down there but fishnet stockings. You think EVERYTHING you wear looks awesomesauce.
JAYLYNN: I told you I wasn't ready yet, dumbass! Hey, where's RK?
(RK comes in dressed exactly like Jaylynn: An Adventure Time snapback, red hair, a Nirvana T-shirt, blue jeans, and pink Chuck Taylors)
(imitating Jaylynn's voice) RK: Hey guys. Who's ready for some field tripping?
SPARKY: You guys are literally the best friends I've ever had.
JAYLYNN: You jackass, you actually went through with it?! This is priceless!
RK: When RK Jennings says he's going to do something, he does it. Well, not counting my inability to cancel my subscription to American Girl. I mean, I know I'm way outside the target demographic, but it's been my guilty pleasure for years and they're so cute. You know, I always thought Barbie was overrated and Bratz was really good until that snuff film seven years ago.
ASHLEY: RK, why are you dressed like Jaylynn?
(Jaylynn voice) RK: I AM Jaylynn, silly. You're so eccentric. (giggles flirtatiously)
JAYLYNN: Do I really sound that much like a pussy?
ASHLEY: Why are you doing this? Is it because Jaylynn's my partner?
RK: What's so great about Jaylynn anyway?
JAYLYNN: I usually don't feel this way, but I'm starting to get really self-conscious.
SPARKY: It's OK, Jay. RK, stop making Jaylynn feel things she doesn't normally feel!
BUSTER: RK, if you want to, you can be partners with me and Wade.
RK: I'M NOT RK, I'M (BLEEP) JAYLYNN! (long pause; Testicular Sound Express and Ashley look at RK like he's nuts, and RK tries to save himself with another flirtatious giggle)
Later on, the students are boarding the bus.
HALLEY: Why are we going on this trip again? It's the same boring sports stuff we always do.
SPARKY: But everybody loves something about Project Adventure. You just need a little push.
HALLEY: I guess.
SPARKY: So how was your day yesterday?
HALLEY: I don't wanna talk about it.
(Sparky sighs and starts mumbling to himself as he walks up the steps and looks for a seat)
BUSTER: Wade, I still don't fully understand why we're partners for this trip.
WADE: Buster, you and I don't do much together, do we?
BUSTER: Well, outside of that weird-ass trip to D.C., nothing really comes up.
WADE: Which is why I'm going to take the opportunity to enlighten you today. Stimulate your prepubescent mind with adventure and vast knowledge. Did you know that Project Adventure is near one of the absolute most amazing forests in the history of the Northwest region?
BUSTER: OK, which area do we sit in? Man, this is a tough one.
WADE: Buster, I don't think it's imperative which area we sit in. Let's just pick a seat.
BUSTER: You BASTARD. Never say that on a field trip. The proper area is important. If we sit close to the front near Knieste, everybody will call us dorks. Then again, if we sit in the back area with all the troublemakers who take smack, we might get sucked into the trap.
WADE: You DO realize that everyone is passing us and finding seats, right?
BUSTER: And you DO realize that I'll never take you seriously looking like Smokey the Bear's groupie? OK, in order to truly attack this, you need to use critical thinking for sure.
WADE: YOU DON'T NEED TO USE CRITICAL THINKING, BUSTER!
MR. KNIESTE: Please, no yelling on the bus.
BUSTER: You heard the man, Wade. Stop yelling, quit the horseplay and think critically!
WADE: Buster, since we've gotten on this vehicle, literally everybody has found a seat. We're standing near an empty row of seats, which is the only one that hasn't been taken. I think it would require common sense to know that we can just sit HERE.
BUSTER: Wade, you can't just jump into a decision like this. That's not what critical thinking is about. OK, looking at the variables and crunching the numbers, we're in luck. There are open seats right here, we can just sit here!
(Wade sighs and the sigh slowly turns into a growl as Buster takes his seat)
SCENE 7
Project Adventure Athletic Complex & Weekend Buffet
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
There is a sign near Project Adventure which says, "Come for the clams, stay for the food poisoning, leave for the health inspection." There is also a huge forest which is interconnected with the area. The bus has arrived, and RK is the first to get out, almost bursting from the bus.
RK: WE'RE HERE?! WE'RE ACTUALLY HERE?! ARE WE HERE, BRAY?!
(A clip is shown of WWE's The Wyatt Family at WrestleMania XXX with Bray Wyatt saying his famous catchphrase "We're here")
RK: YES, WE'RE HERE! SCUNT-DA-NA-NA-DUN-DUNNNNN! (RK starts doing a very weird dance where his arms flail around, his eyes widen and he stomps in place; the kids come out of the bus and notice what he's doing)
JAYLYNN: WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS YOUR PROBLEM?!
(Jaylynn's anger and confusion is enough for RK to look back with a blank stare)
(walking out of Project Adventure) MAN: Hello to the fourth-graders of iCarly Elementary School. My name is Cody. I've been expecting you guys.
MALIK: Gay.
TRAVIS: Malik, it's only somewhat gay. Somewhat.
MALIK: Oh yeah, right.
TRAVIS: Yeah, dumbass.
MR. KNIESTE: Cody here is an expert on Project Adventure. He has been here for 15 years, he knows every inch of this place so as usual, we're going to follow him through the area.
(Buster raises his hand)
MR. KNIESTE: Yes, Buster?
BUSTER: What's the likelihood of one of us getting lost and violated by the weirdos that live in the forest?
WADE: Buster, no one lives here in the forest. That's highly implausible.
BUSTER: I think the plausible is high enough and the im should stay out of the way before it gets hurt. I heard a story about a guy who got lost in a forest and turned feral, but it's OK because he returned to normal.
WADE: That was an episode of Family Guy.
BUSTER: Oh yeah, that one was always funny.
CODY: Don't worry, the possibility of that happening is very low. There's never been a reported case of sexual assault here. By the way, if that's going to happen, you can't expect it. It ruins the seriousness.
BUSTER: Thank you for disgusting me.
MR. KNIESTE: Cody, there are kids here, remember.
HALLEY: Why do I feel like this same conversation happened before?
SPARKY: Probably just deja vu.
HALLEY: What in the name of Mussolini is that?
SPARKY: It's just a feeling you get when you believe something's happened before. We all go through it. Even in cases where it doesn't make any sense.
CUTAWAY GAG
Jaylynn is driving in her car with Buster as passenger. They're leaving RK's house.
JAYLYNN: So remember Buster, we're going back to RK's house once I get my things.
BUSTER: Got it.
JAYLYNN: Alright.
(Jaylynn pulls up to her house, is seen coming back out with a filled shopping bag, and she later pulls up to RK's house.)
BUSTER: Whoa, baby!
JAYLYNN: What?
BUSTER: I feel like we were here just a few minutes ago.
(Jaylynn looks at Buster bored, then throws her beanie on the floor in anger)
END OF CUTAWAY
SCENE 8
Project Adventure Athletic Complex & Weekend Buffet
Interior Cold Crushin' Rock Climb
Seattle, Washington
A sign near the station reads, "Don't die. Going to court ain't our thing, suckas."
Sparky is at the rock-climbing station while Halley is looking up at him. He seems to be pretty good, as he's almost at the peak.
SPARKY: Hell yeah, I feel so liberated! Now I know how Nicki Minaj felt when she worked on Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded. Wait, is that what happened? Halley, you have to try this! It's so freaking sweet!
HALLEY: I don't think so.
SPARKY: Come on, you have to do something. You've been so moody and depressed for days now. Project Adventure (while struggling to finish)...is exactly what you need...to break out of your shell.
HALLEY: I doubt it.
SPARKY: This is so stupid. I'm going to have to find out what's bugging Halley soon because this is getting to me and...wait, I'm at the top! HA! Let's see the kids from GUTS try THIS!
Meanwhile, Wade is trying to climb. Buster is his spotter.
BUSTER: I'm not sure if I should have ham and cheese for lunch or tuna fish for lunch. Then again, when you throw in the chicken club, the conversation gets a hella more interesting.
WADE: OK. Open hand foot, now...hand foot match. (Wade uses this technique to continue his climb) Buster, pick up the slack!
(while being careless with the rope) BUSTER: Of course, the BLT might suit my needs more than the others.
(Buster pulls the rope too far and Wade starts screaming as he falls down, catching everybody's attention; Buster realizes his blunder and pulls the rope again to keep Wade in suspension and away from harm)
WADE: Phew. All praises due to Allah. Buster, do you know how dangerous it is not to pick up the slack on the belay rope?!
BUSTER: I don't really know what that means, but I promise it won't happen again.
EMPLOYEE: You're right about that. I'll take over.
BUSTER: What do you mean when you say that?
EMPLOYEE: I'm going to be Wade's spotter now.
BUSTER: Oh, I thought you meant some other thing. But wait a minute, don't you think it was kinda stupid to let a kid handle this sort of thing?
EMPLOYEE: We can't think everything through all the time!
On the other end of the station, RK and Gilcania are watching Yomaris climb. She's protected by an actual employee.
RK: I can't believe I got stuck with you guys.
GILCANIA: RK, you chose to come up to us and ask to join us. I honestly don't like you, but as the nice person I am, I let you stay. Now don't bother me or Yomaris or there will be a serious problem. You understand, boo-boo?
(in an annoyed tone) RK: Gladly, honey.
(long pause; RK and Gilcania start to hear Yomaris' repeated moaning as she struggles to reach the top; RK's eyes begin to widen and he cocks his head a bit while raising his eyebrow)
RK: I think Woody wants to play with Andy again.
GILCANIA: What?
RK: Nothing.
SCENE 9
Project Adventure Athletic Complex & Weekend Buffet
Interior Mess Hall of Munchy Munchy Crunch-a-Munch
Seattle, Washington
A sign near the mess hall reads, "About 45% of our food is all-natural. Impressed yet?"
Sparky, RK, and Wade are sitting with each other. Ashley is sitting with Jaylynn, Buster is sitting with Gilcy and Yomaris, and Halley is sitting by herself. She looks at pictures with her parents and sighs.
RK: Yo, what's up, Blastmaster KRS-One? Everything's sucking.
SPARKY: Word. Yo, what up, D-Nice?
WADE: Yo, what's up, Scott La Rock?
RK: Man, just trying to see what failed today. Ah, let's see. Attempts to act like Jaylynn failed. If anything, I made Jaylynn seem even MORE interesting to Ashley. Look at those two. They're so inseparable, they probably don't even think other people are here!
It doesn't seem that way. Jaylynn looks bored and slightly annoyed. She's just sipping a Mountain Rush Tropical Fantasy.
ASHLEY: I'm just saying, you really shouldn't be smoking weed. Especially at your age. I'm straight edge so I just can't bring myself to smoke, drink, have sex before marriage.
JAYLYNN: That's great.
ASHLEY: This is what my nephew looks like. Isn't he cute?
JAYLYNN: How are you nine years old with a nephew?
ASHLEY: My oldest brother who's 25 got married to my sister-in-law and she had a baby a couple months ago. See?
JAYLYNN: He IS cute though.
ASHLEY: You should've seen me on wedding day, I looked SO cute.
JAYLYNN: You did, did you?
WADE: Eh, they seem more or less basic. Meanwhile, you're not stuck with a partner who you fail at giving a day of enlightenment. All Buster wants to do is sit around and eat nachos while playing at the stations.
SPARKY: Isn't that the whole point of Project Adventure? The games?
RK: The amusing signs?
WADE: Yes and yes, but I don't get many opportunities to teach people. I wanted to educate Buster today.
RK: And you'll get another shot. Look, Wade, everybody gets a second chance.
WADE: Matthew Perry's character on Growing Pains didn't.
(long pause; both RK and Wade look bored)
RK: You see, that's an extreme example. You know what that does? Shuts down the whole conversation before it has a chance to get going. Nice work, asshole.
(Wade angrily stares at RK)
SPARKY: Guys, what about MY problem? Halley has been upset for the past two weeks, and she still hasn't said anything yet. Two nights ago, she cried in her sleep and wouldn't tell me why.
RK: Probably just relationship trouble. That bastard probably mistreats her, makes her feel unimportant. I hear they haven't had any sloppy makeout sessions in weeks.
SPARKY: RK...I'M Halley's boyfriend.
(RK's eyes widen as he realizes his huge blunder)
RK: Unless of course that guy is YOU, you stud. So how's university, slugger? Excited for those Redhawk boosters?
SPARKY: You confuse me and make me question my Unitarianism at the same time.
WADE: Sparky, it looks like you're going to have to use more aggressive tactics. You've been too lenient with Halley. It's time to set things straight. She either tells you what's going on, or you're done with her.
SPARKY: An ultimatum, that's it! Thanks Wade.
WADE: Any time.
RK: Hey, how come you never give ME advice like that?
WADE: Because the last time I tried doing that, you confused it for something completely different.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK and Wade are at RK's house on the couch.
WADE: So I just think it would work to your benefit if you were more open and less sensitive to what might not even be considered criticism.
RK: So, what you're saying is that I'm a big, stupid sack of milk?
WADE: RK, I didn't say anything in that realm at any point in this conversation.
RK: Oh, so I'm just a liar to you now? You know what, (bleep) you. (flashes a bored Wade the middle finger)
END OF CUTAWAY
SCENE 10
Project Adventure Athletic Complex & Weekend Buffet
Interior Tarzan Rope Swing
Seattle, Washington
The sign near the station reads, "Be like Miley without having to BE Miley." The camera does a shot of the kids and Coach Knieste next to one cardboard box. There's an attached rope next to the box, and another cardboard box on the other side.
MR. KNIESTE: OK, boys and girls, this is one of my favorite activities here at Project Adventure.
MALIK: Bitch, we know that.
(Travis and Malik snicker)
MR. KNIESTE: Alright, so with the world-famous Tarzan Rope Swing, it's actually pretty simple, but a lot of fun. You basically take the rope, and try to swing yourself over the box on the other side. The objective is for all of us to get over that box. I'll go first and then Gilcy, you'll officially get us started.
GILCANIA: Alright then.
YOMARIS: No tiene un buen culo? (which is translated on screen as "Doesn't he have a nice ass?")
GILCANIA: Si, es como dos manzanas frescas volver alli. (which is translated on screen as "Yes, it's like two fresh apples back there.")
(back of the line) SPARKY: Buster, I'm a little nervous about this.
BUSTER: Why? I think it's high time Halley tells you what's going on.
SPARKY: Yeah, but I'm just not sure I have it in me to be so...forward.
BUSTER: Don't worry, Sparko, I've got you covered. All you need to succeed is the PATENTED Buster Newman Three-Point Communication Plan. Step one: You walk up to the person with swagger and confidence, show some assertiveness. Step two: The look in your face has to let the other person know this is very serious business. And step three: The clincher. You speak with enough force to get the answers you're looking for.
SPARKY: You know, that's pretty good advice. Thanks Buster!
BUSTER: Any time.
WADE: You know, Buster, according to Sir Issac Newton...
BUSTER: Wade, I don't need to know about your nerdy scientific advice from a pack of Fig Newtons. I'm perfectly capable of swinging across by myself.
WADE: Alright then.
BUSTER: Thank you.
(Wade swings across successfully, and Buster is up next. He is almost successful, but he reaches the tip of the cardboard box and doesn't realize he's supposed to let go; he ends up swinging backwards and starts screaming as he hangs for dear life)
BUSTER: GAH, SOMEBODY HELP ME! I'M DANGLING! Don't leave me dangling! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME DANGLING!
WADE: Buster, just let go of the rope once you reach our side.
BUSTER: SHAWN MICHAELS DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS, WHY SHOULD I?! AND...what did you say? (Buster lets go of the rope and gets off the cardboard box, where Wade gives him an extremely bored look) Wow, I guess Demi was right. I just had to let it go. (Buster chuckles at his crappy joke and notices Wade still has that look on his face) Quit staring at me like that. (short pause) You pervert.
(Sparky notices Halley is at the end of the line and Jaylynn is right behind him)
SPARKY: Jay, can you take my spot?
JAYLYNN: Um, sure, Sparky.
SPARKY: Thanks.
(Sparky kisses Jaylynn on the top of her head and runs to the back of the line)
ASHLEY: I'm so scared.
JAYLYNN: You're such a girly girl.
ASHLEY: I know.
(RK groans in discontent/disgust, and when Jaylynn and Ashley stare back at him, he gives them another flirtatious giggle)
SPARKY: Hey Halley.
HALLEY: Hey.
SPARKY: Look, I know something's bothering you.
HALLEY: Sparky, nothing's bothering me!
SPARKY: It is, and you're not going to be happy if you keep it to yourself. Now tell me. Tell your boyfriend what's up with you.
HALLEY: I'm sick of everybody wanting to know what's going on, nothing is the problem!
SPARKY: THERE IS A PROBLEM, TELL ME!
HALLEY: MY PARENTS ARE GETTING DIVORCED!
SPARKY: Wait, what?
WADE: You're up next, Sparks.
(A confused Sparky gets up on the cardboard box and takes the rope. However, he remains staring at Halley)
(swinging) SPARKY: When did you...
HALLEY: SPARKY, LOOK OUT!
(An audio clip is played of Jerry "The King" Lawler yelling "LOOK OUT!"; Sparky is coming in fast on the swing and immediately lets go, inadvertently dropkicking Yomaris)
RK: I actually enjoy this change.
(The opening to the Big Time Rush theme song plays in the background as the camera zeroes in on Sparky, looking dazed and glum)
SEGWAY SEGMENT
ROUNDTABLE
JAYLYNN: Hey, everybody! I'm Jaylynn Skylar Hernandez and welcome to another edition of RoundTable. This question was created by Sparky and Wade, and it is: "Why does pop carry around such a negative stigma?" Wade, you have the floor first.
WADE: Thank you Jaylynn. You know, I think pop carries around the negative stigma it does because of what kind of pop is put out to the masses. It's easily accessible ear candy for the average listener. It's shallow, overproduced, uninteresting, it panders to the lowest common denominator. It's been in decline for years and I think pop is just a negative example of music in the modern era.
SPARKY: When I came up with this question, I'm not exactly sure I could answer it. My theory is that people just use the term pop for negative reasons without understanding what it actually means. Pop is music at the end of the day. It's not even just music, it's a culture. Pop culture has even more meaning in society today than hip-hop culture or rock culture. I think pop carries around this stigma BECAUSE of the stigma. It will always exist no matter what. Pop will always be looked down upon in the music industry. Look at Nicki Minaj. A couple years back, she was dropping "Super Bass," "Starships," "Pound the Alarm," and "Masquerade," which were all pop records that did big business. These days, she doesn't even want to hear the word. We're all hypnotized into thinking pop is this horrible genre created by talentless hacks to make money. You do that, you're forgetting that some of the greatest artists of all-time were pop. Michael Jackson, arguably the greatest musician to ever live, was the King of Pop. The minute the genre blew up, the stigma was placed on it. And it will never go away.
BUSTER: I agree with Sparky. People love to praise Prince and Madonna and all them, but they were pop, no doubt about it. I mean, they were a lot more experimental with funk and rock at the time, but they were still pop acts at the end of the day. They were the most well-known artists on the planet. Pop is no longer the dominant genre anymore, in my honest opinion. I think rap has become more marketable to the point where it's more popular. Anyone can see that.
RK: The difference is back then you needed to have talent. Today's pop stars would get their asses kicked by Jackson and Prince and Madonna and Whitney and Janet. In 20-25 years, Katy Perry and Taylor Swift aren't going to be seen as legends. They're going to be seen as shallow products of their time. And rap is NOT the dominant genre. Pop has always been the most marketable, the most fulfilling. Look at Kendrick Lamar. He's honestly the best rapper in the game right now, but the pop community doesn't care about him. Then you look at Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, who have hit records. They have the talent, they have artistic integrity, but most importantly, they have a place in pop circles. That's why they won Best Rap Album at the Grammys when Kendrick deserved it more. At the end of the day, if a rapper doesn't have a name in the pop community, he's not going to succeed. Or SHE'S not going to succeed.
BUSTER: Eminem. One of the greatest rappers of all-time. He's won Best Rap Album at the Grammys multiple times. He was nominated for Album of the Year. He won a freaking Academy Award! And he did that as Eminem. He was the absolute opposite of what a pop star was at the time, and the pop community accepted him. How do you explain that?
RK: He was white.
BUSTER: You're bringing race into this?
RK: It's true, because he was white. At the time...
BUSTER: How does that make any sense?
RK: LET ME TALK, DAMMIT! At the time, there were several pop artists that were white. White guys rapping was still foreign. Then all of a sudden comes this white boy from Detroit talking about the same things black rappers do, and he got the spotlight put on him. The media blamed him for everything. Because he was white, and when a white guy makes music like that, it sells and everybody wants to find a scapegoat for what changed the upper-middle class of society.
BUSTER: So Eminem didn't blow up because of his talent?
RK: That was half the reason, but the other half is his race. He even said that in "White America" when he went "Let's do the math/If I was black, I woulda sold half."
BUSTER: It was a tongue-in-cheek response.
RK: Please, he didn't mean it in that sense.
BUSTER: He DID. He's just saying that so the critics no longer have an argument.
RK: YOU HAVE NO ARGUMENT! GUILTY!
BUSTER: I'm actually coming up with a clear response, you're just trying to be racist.
RK: How am I trying to be racist?! YOU'RE RACIST! GUILTY!
BUSTER: Why don't you say it closer to my racist face, huh? You're a big man, right?
RK: You bet your ass I'm a big man!
BUSTER: Then do something. You won't because you're scared!
RK: I'm not scared, you don't have a good argument, bitch!
BUSTER: You're a wiener just like Ashley said!
RK: WHAT DID ASHLEY SAY?!
(RK dives onto Buster and the two start going at it while Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn attempt to stop the chaos; the cameraman also gets knocked over when RK throws Buster into him)
SCENE 11
Project Adventure Athletic Complex & Weekend Buffet
Interior Tarzan Rope Swing
Seattle, Washington
(Halley is tending to Sparky on a bench, which Buster and Wade are also sitting on; Sparky still looks dazed)
HALLEY: This is all my fault. I should have just told Sparky the truth when he asked me.
WADE: Why did you keep it a secret anyway that your parents were getting divorced?
HALLEY: It was just something so personal, I couldn't even tell anybody. My parents have been rock solid for years and then all of a sudden, my dad just becomes really needy and emotionally abusive.
BUSTER: You know, my parents were going to be a sure thing until around the time I was little. Maybe this is just something that gets better as it goes on.
WADE: Yeah, and you're already legally emancipated. I mean, it's not like you're living with your mother and father.
HALLEY: I know that already, but I can't bring myself to accept the fact that my parents aren't together. Do you realize how much that hurts?
(long pause; Buster and Wade are disappointed)
BUSTER: I do.
WADE: Is Sparky back to his natural state?
HALLEY: I don't know. I think he's still naming constellations.
SPARKY: Aldebaran. Alpha Centauri. Sirius A. Sirius A...
SCENE 12
Project Adventure Athletic Complex & Weekend Buffet
Interior Aquatic Aquaty Thing
Seattle, Washington
The sign reads, "It's not funny anymore." RK is angrily skipping rocks into the ocean while sitting on a large rock in an area filled with them. Jaylynn comes by.
RK: I know who that is already.
JAYLYNN: Really?
RK: No, I thought it was Buster. I was just trying to be cool.
JAYLYNN: RK, we need to talk.
RK: About my overwhelming jealousy for you and Ashley's newfound friendship?
JAYLYNN: Um...yeah. RK, you do realize you're acting like a total loser, right?
RK: No. Why do I have to share Ashley with everybody else? She's MY friend.
JAYLYNN: RK, as you grow up, you need to understand that people aren't exclusive. Ashley is going to hang out with a lot of other people besides you and the fact that you can't handle the fact that I'm her partner for a stupid trip means I can't even handle you as a friend.
(Jaylynn leaves angrily, and RK grows increasingly worried)
RK: Jaylynn, wait!
JAYLYNN: I knew I would be able to make that work.
RK: Jaylynn, I need to admit something. I'm still in love with Ashley.
JAYLYNN: Is this...is this supposed to be some big reveal? I know that already. This is the whole point of what I said. I don't even like Ashley that much. She's cute, but I don't think we're cut out to be friends.
RK: Then it's all settled.
JAYLYNN: No, it isn't. RK, you acted like a real jackass today. Ashley really wanted to be my friend today and you ruined it for her. If you loved her like you say you do, you would have never been so selfish.
RK: So what? You want to stop being friends?
JAYLYNN: I don't know. All I know is you need to talk to Ashley and apologize.
(Jaylynn leaves and before RK tries to skip another rock, he starts to think)
RK: Maybe I WAS being a jerk.
SCENE 13
Project Adventure Athletic Complex & Weekend Buffet
Interior Tightrope of Trust and Danger
Seattle, Washington
The sign near the station reads, "Ya feel the danger? YA FEEL IT?!"
In this particular station, your job is to walk from one end of a rope tied around a tree to the other end of the rope tied around a tree. It's a lot harder than it looks. Buster is at bat, and he's wearing a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, and a bulletproof vest.
BUSTER: I really feel like you guys care about the kids here.
CODY: If we don't put this stuff on you, you're going to die.
(Mr. Knieste gives Cody a blank stare)
Sparky and Halley are watching everybody.
HALLEY: Sparky...I...
SPARKY: Oh yeah, before I blacked out, you were talking about your parents' divorce. At least that's what I THOUGHT.
HALLEY: Sparky, I'm really sorry. I should've just told you my parents were divorcing. But it's really hard to just tell people about that kind of thing. I mean, I'm very personal. When I was little, I used to have a key for my diary. Now I guard my diary with hundreds of chains, cyanide, and homemade tear gas.
SPARKY: Oh, so THAT'S why Paulie C. was in the hospital three weeks ago. I accept your apology, Halley. And I can understand why you feel that way.
HALLEY: Sparky, I should trust you a lot more. I mean, what have you ever done to me? You're the best boyfriend in the world and you deserve to know what's going on in my life.
SPARKY: Thank you, Halley.
HALLEY: But it's hard to deal with this. (starts to tear up) I never thought my mom and dad would ever be the ones to lose that spark in their relationship. They've been in love for so long and out of nowhere, I hear my dad threatened my mom and...(Halley starts crying and Sparky hugs her to keep anybody from seeing her)
SPARKY: Halley, I know this is one of the hardest things you've ever dealt with but you're not in this alone. I'm with you every step of the way, and no matter what, remember there will always be someone looking out for you.
HALLEY: Thanks, Sparky!
(Sparky and Halley hug even more passionately while Halley cries, and the two start to kiss)
SCENE 14
Project Adventure Athletic Complex & Weekend Buffet
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
The kids are now boarding the bus. RK takes a seat next to Ashley, who's just casually reading a magazine.
JAYLYNN: RK, you...
RK: Hold up, Jaylynn. Hey Ashley.
ASHLEY: Hey RK. What do you want?
RK: A Fatal Four-Way with Jen Selter, Keri Russell, and Ryan Newman?
(Ashley simply stares at RK and goes back to reading her magazine)
RK: Ashley, I was wrong. I acted like you're my property and I wasn't fair to you or Jaylynn. You know, sometimes I wonder why I constantly learn things and still make mistakes. Why does that always happen?
ASHLEY: Because you're nine years old? You still have a lot to learn before you become mature and wise. And RK, you ARE mature for your age. I mean, in the past, you've poured your heart out to me. But you can be so demanding sometimes. I like you, but you shouldn't take everything so seriously.
RK: I guess so. Ashley, I'm still in love with you. And if I am, I need to learn that the world doesn't always revolve around me.
ASHLEY: I'm really glad to hear that.
(Ashley kisses RK on the cheek)
RK: What was that for?
ASHLEY: What was what?
(Ashley reads her magazine again while RK licks his lips and pops his collar while having a cheesy smile on his face; Jaylynn is not amused)
JAYLYNN: I need my seat back before you have an orgasm.
(Meanwhile, Buster and Wade are sitting down in THEIR seats)
WADE: Well, Buster, this whole day has been a complete mind(bleep).
BUSTER: You said it. I have a splitting headache and I'm tired. Nachos with extra extra cheese can slow a kid down.
WADE: You want me to play some funk?
BUSTER: I don't think funk is the solution to anyone's problems. (long pause; both boys are bored) What do you got?
(Wade turns on his iPod, and puts on "More Bounce to the Ounce" by Zapp)
BUSTER: YES, THAT'S HOT! (Buster closes his eyes and bobs his head in a saucy way)
WADE: Why are Roger and Larry dead, but the girls who made the song about selfies aren't?
(Buster widens his eyes and slowly turns his head to a bored Wade; camera cuts to the bus slowly morphing into the Soul Train in the sunset as "More Bounce to the Ounce" continues to play, even into the end credits)
©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
R.I.P. THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR
1959-2014
CHAMPION, HALL OF FAMER, LEGEND