This was supposed to be a possible promo theory...yeah, well...my taste for Eclare kind of got the best of me and it took a very sharp turn. I'm kind of unsure about this; I have been up for 24 hours straight...so...okay, I'll shut up now.
Enjoy?
"Did you erase me from your memory? Did you ever love me at all?"
Time is frozen.
I don't notice the people around us, the looks they give us. I don't notice the silence that settles over the room as the words escape from my lips; or even just how loud I was. I don't notice, because it doesn't matter. All that matters is me and you, and the way you still won't turn around even as the mangled cry of pain escapes from my lips. I suppose I deserve it, but that fact doesn't give me much comfort.
My pulse is in my ears, and I continue to scream at you, my voice echoing off of the walls. You are so lifeless that it breaks my heart, and even though I have no one but myself to blame, I still can't contain the anger that has grown inside of me. It's only when a strong pair of hands wrap firmly around my arms that my trance is broken, and reality comes flooding back in a tidal wave of nausea as a faint voice tells me to calm down. It's him, it's him, the boy that's good for me, the boy I'm supposed to be with. He's holding me back, and this is when I notice that I've taken several steps toward you in my rage.
"Clare, please, calm down," he says soothingly, and I struggle against his grip as you dissapear into the parting crowd. I can't help the choked sob that escapes from my throat, trying to call out for you. I can't lose you, I just can't.
But I know I already have.
"Let me go!" I scream, and Jake reluctantly loosens his grip at the harsh demand in my voice. "Just let me go!"
"Clare," he murmurs pleadingly. I know I should feel guilty right now, about leaving Jake behind, and wanting to run after you. I should be trying to move on, I mean, I have tried. I've tried and tried and tried. I've tried to pretend that I wasn't hurting because I know I don't deserve to; not when it's my fault. I did this, to both me and you. I have to fix it, though. Even if you hate me, if you loathe me, if you never want to see me again. I have to try at least once.
"Please," I choke. "Please. I have to." My words are broken by sobs and Jake finally removes his hands from me, sighing deeply. He knows. He knows that the little connection between him and I is nothing compared to what I feel for you, and so he lets me go. He lets me run away, run away from the dance, from him, from any chance of normalcy that I had wanted to salvage. All left in my emotional wake, and my legs are carrying me back to where I started, back to all of my uncertainty and anger, back to the ticking time-bomb that is me and you.
Back to my everything.
I'm blindly running down halls, tears burring my vison, hopelessly searching. You could have left, could have slipped out the glass door without a trace. God, I'm so stupid. You've left, you've left for home, or some other place. Perhaps you're with HER, that girl Imogen, the one who's been following you around like a lost puppydog. What am I thinking, you -
And then, you're there.
I see your retreating figure in disappearing down the dark hallway, headed for the back door, and the anger consumes me. How can this not affect you? This flurry of emotions stirring inside of me, powerful and unyeilding, how can you not feel it too? How can you just walk away like that?
"Eli!" I shout, and you freeze. Your whole body grows rigid. A few moments of silence pass, and I walk to you tentatively, the clicks of my heels echoing in the hallway. "Eli." I'm standing all of two feet behind you, close enough to touch.
"What do you want, Clare?" Your words are cold and distant, slow and precise, and it hurts. It's like a slap to the face, a sharp, stining sensation that rattles my heart. I've never heard you sound quite so indifferent.
I'm not sure how to answer that. I know what I want, more than anything else in the world. But I'm not going to say that. I can't. "How can you just forget?" I ask meekly, my anger suddenly evaporating. "How can you just-"
"Walk away?" You finish, spinning around, and I nod slowly in response, taking you in. Your pale face, sallow and sunken-in, eyes dulled with purple bags beneath them. The sight breaks my heart, and I want nothing more than to hug you and try to make you better. You laugh once in response, a hollow, humorless sound that makes me flinch. "Like you did, Clare?" I open my mouth to speak, but you are already cutting me off. "Feels fucking great, doesn't it? To have the person you care about just LEAVE so damn easily, leaving you to cope all by your damn self."
"I didn't-" I start, but you still won't let me finish.
"Yes, you DID, Clare," you say loudly, startling me. "Don't try to say that you didn't. You LEFT me."
"I know, I know I did, Eli," I mumble quickly. "But please, just listen to me. Please." You contemplate this, many emotions etching across your face. My heart sinks, when you manage to give me the dirtiest look you can muster on your tired face.
"Leave me the fuck alone, Clare," You say, and turn to walk out the door. I know I should just stay, and let Jake take me home. Crawl into a ball on my bed and face the fact that you're done with me, that I've screwed up and can't fix it. But there's this part of me that won't let me do it, Eli. It's determined and raging and sending adrenaline through my veins, and it orders me to follow you out into the night. I have no choice but to surrender. I can't give up. Not yet.
"Eli, please, please, just listen," I say, walking after you.
"Go back to your perfect little boyfriend." Your pace picks up.
"Jake's not my boyfriend," I say softly.
"Fuck buddies, whatever the hell you want to call it."
I stop dead in my tracks. "Excuse me?" I ask, suddenly angry. Not at what he said, because I know he doesn't mean it, but I'm so FRUSTRATED, with myself, with this situation, with everything. I want the world to stop turning and my head to stop spinning just for a second, just so I can get my scattered thoughts in order. "Where the hell did that come from? I still have my ring, Eli! Do you really think that little of me?" You stop too, spinning around, anger flashing in your darkened green orbs.
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" You yell at me, and I quiet down. "I hate you so fucking much!" You step quickly toward me and I feel my heart race. I'm not afraid; that's not what it is. It's something else. "My life is a living hell because of you! Damn it, Clare, why are you doing this? What, you just wanted to say that you're sorry, so that I'm off your guilty conscience, and then continue living your perfect little life? Why do you make it seem like you care so much? God, I hate you."
Because I love you, I want to say. Because I regret that night and I want to take it back and handle it better; I want to take back what I said. I want to be there for you, I want to show you that I DO care. Because there's no one that can make me feel this way - so desperate and angry and over-whelemed and wonderful. Because you are my everything. But I can't say any of that. You won't believe me. You will walk away with a scoff, and that will be the end of everything. Even though my brain is screaming no, my heart is whispering yes. It carries throughout my whole body, that whisper, making me tremble, and I know my mind's made up. I storm the rest of the way over to you, pausing when I'm inches away. I don't wait to see your reaction, I don't see anything.
And then I do the unthinkable. I kiss you.
Your lips aren't reluctant and unresponsive like I thought they would be, instead, to my surprise, they are moving with mine, kissing me back in a desperate dance that feels new and yet so familiar. You're not pushing me away; you're pulling me closer, and I'm melting into you. Relief and warmth spreads throughout my body as your arms wind around me, making me feel complete in a way I wasn't before; like a missing puzzle peice that I didn't realize was gone. I've never felt so wonderful in my entire life, and though we are both nowhere near being okay, happiness doesn't seem so far away from me.
I break away roughly then at the thought, leaving us both stunned and breathless, staring at the other with wide eyes as if we've done something very, very wrong. Our walls have crumbled down to the ground, every raw feeling exposed and layed out on the table for the other to see as we process what has just happened to us. My heart is thumping in my chest and I lay a hand over it, as if to calm it. I can do nothing but stare at you helplessly, searching for some sort of emotion in your eyes, the same that I found in your kiss. They are no longer lifeless, but alight with surprise, and I avert my gaze so that I don't have to see them dull.
"I'm - I'm so sorry, Eli," I choke, apologizing for the kiss and everything else that has brought us here. You contemplate me, face going expressionless as you take me in, my tear-streaked face and smudged make-up, my messed up hair and blood-shot watery eyes. You take one look at me, and that look means everything. It's tender and soft and so vulnerable, so, so vulnerable, and I know that you meant nothing of what you said before. I open my mouth to speak again, but you place your thumb over my lips, tracing one softly, a sweet way of telling me to shut up.
And then your lips are on mine again, just as fast and desperate and wonderful.
-.-.-.-.-.-
I don't know how we got here, to your house, and I don't really care. All I care about is your lips on mine, kissing me hungrily. All I can feel is your hands all over my body, pressing me closer and closer and it's still not close enough. All I see is this blinding light from behind my eye-lids, like my world is exploding, because, holy shit, you're kissing me. You're kissing me and have no intenetion of stopping. All this built up anger and frustration expressed through almost bruising kisses and desperate tongues, ragged breaths filling the breif seconds we have to part. You feel like breathing, I swear to god, I don't think I can live without you anymore. We kiss and kiss desperately for what seems like forever, until your anger subsides and your binding grip on me loosens. It's something I can feel; how your lips start to shape around mine rather than molding mine to the shape of yours. We start to slow down, start to get more tentative, start to realize we're on your couch and you're on top of me and that just an hour ago we were both hurting.
"Wow," you breathe, letting your forehead fall to mine. Our lips brush and a chaste kiss falls here and there as we catch our breath.
"Yeah," I agree, not able to form anything else coherent. You don't roll off of me and I'm grateful, because I don't want to be without your touch.
You press a kiss to my forehead. "I'm sorry, too," you say. "I'm sorry for saying what I did. I didn't mean it. I know that you would never...and I shouldn't have..."
"It's okay," I whisper, not caring anymore. It's like a fuzzy memory, and I don't want to dwell on it.
"I love you," you say kissing my jaw. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
"I love you too," I breathe, closing my eyes. "And Jake...he's nothing significant to me. Please know that."
"I know. I know," you murmur against my neck, pressing small kisses to the middle of my throat.
"You're my everything," I say before I can stop myself, and you pull back to look at me. It's the most tender look I've ever recived, and I shudder.
The next kiss that takes place is slow and sensual, soft and honest and it absolutely takes my breath away. It starts this boiling in my stomach, and suddenly I'm on fire, deepening the kiss and clutching at you desperately, sitting us up so that I you're almost lying down, my legs straddling you. My hands are in your hair now, yours rest on my sides. I press myself further into you, arching my back so that our chests and stomachs touch, and you let a small moan slip out, taking me by surprise. I don't falter though, as that sounds echos throughout my mind, I feel the need to hear it again. Without warning, I slip my cool fingertips up your shirt caressing the flat muscles across your stomach, realizing your blazer is strung somewhere across the room from our blind kissing previously. I slide my hands further up and your muscles twitch beneath my touch. And then, god, there it is again. A throaty groan that makes the place between my legs pulse.
"Please take this off?" I breathe, and you tear it over your head before kissing me again, hands gripping my thighs. We've gone this far before; this is nothing new to us. But there's something different about it, I can detect that. In the way you shudder as my hands roam your torso, feeling smooth, warm skin. In the way I keep trying to get a rise out of you, purposely making myself more hot and bothered then I should be at this point. Maybe it's just the sheer bliss of being here with you after a month and a half, and the rush of adrenaline I have because I was supposed to be home about half an hour ago. But I don't think that's it, not after I feel something hard against my inner-thigh. I pull away after realizing what it is, looking at you to see your sheepish expression.
"I'm sorry," you apologize. "I didn't mean to...I..." you look away guiltily, and I swear to god I can see a faint blush on your pale cheeks.
"Don't be," I giggle, pressing my forehead against yours.
"We should stoo-ooah," you let out an involentary groan as I trace you through your jeans. "Clare, what are you doing?" You ask me, short of breath. I don't answer you, because I really don't know. I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing, all I know is that something raging inside of me is telling me not to stop.
"Nothing." I do it again, and with what looks like effort, you push my hand away.
"Clare, stop," Eli says, although I can hear the faint weakness in your voice.
"Why?" I ask.
"Because...we can't..."
"We're not," I assure you, shaking my head. "I'm not ready for that." You nod solemnly in relief, and I have a feeling I'm not the only one.
"But that doesn't mean," I say, looking you in the eye as my fingertips start a trail from your chest to your stomach, and lower, "that we can't at least do...something," I emphasize.
"Clare," you choke, "are you sure? We're not exactly on the best terms."
I look down. "Eli...we have a lot to work through, I know that. You know that. There is so much that needs to be talked about, so much apologizing on my part needs to be done, so much...everything," I explain. "But I know that I will never, ever leave you again. I know that it's gonna take work, but losing you hurts too much."
A small smile finds its way onto my lips. "And...right now, I'm here, and I know it seems crazy, but I'm ready to share this with you right now. I need...you."
You look taken aback. "You're...sure?"
I look you straight in the eyes. "Positive." Slowly, I bring my face close to yours, biting my lip tentatively as I search for any hint of rejection, any trace of doubt. All I see is bewilderment and delight, which dims in afew seconds, replaced by a loving, careful look.
"I'm going to make this speicial," you whisper in my ear. "I'm going to take care of you. Don't worry about me."
"Eli-"
"I mean it. Seriously, okay?"
I contemplate this for a moment, before slowly nodding, getting rewarded with a grin. You get up from the couch, disentagling yourself from me and holding out your hand.
Everything I need to know is etched on your face, and I trust you. I love you, so much it hurts. So when I finally take your hand, it's not nervously or shyly. I grab it firmly, our eyes locking, and I know that whatever happens next will bring us closer, and that I wouldn't feel this way with anyone other than you.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"Are you still sure?" You ask, though we both know not continuing now would probably kill me.
"Yes," I manage to gasp out as your fingers brush over my thighs. "Please."
A small smirk forms on your lips and your eyes roam over my newly exposed body as you hover over me, biting your lip. I am not embarassed, for some reason, perfectly comfortable with you. You lean down to kiss me, fingers meeting the place of my desire, and suddenly, nothing else matters besides me and you, and the way you're making me feel. It's not long before you whisper something in my ear and I nod shyly and you kiss my cheek before kissing your way down my body, hovering right above my most intimate area before your eyes lock on mine. And then, as soon as your lips meet me, I'm gone.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
I pant, feeling your breath hot against my neck as we lay in a tangle of sheets. It's slow and steady, much like your heartbeat that I can feel as my hand presses against your warm chest, feeling it's rise and fall. My eyes are closed, and your arms are wound around me, pulling me close to you, our legs intertwined, my skin hot and flushed from the intensity of what I just experienced.
"Oh my god," I breathe, and you pull back to look at my face. I'm not sure exactly what it looks like, but it must satisfy you, because you pull me back to your half naked body the one of the hugest smirks I've ever seen.
"Are you okay?"
"'More than okay," I answer you. "That was..." I can't even finish because I don't know what to do with myself.
"Thank you," you whisper, suddenly serious. "For letting me share that with you."
I pull back the tinest bit to smile at him, lines of worry forming on my face. "What about you?" I ask, and you shake your head.
"I'll...er...I'll be fine in abit."
"Can I...?"
"Not tonight," You say softly. "Don't get me wrong, I want you to...but one thing at a time." I nod.
"I love you," I whisper.
"And I love you," you reply. It's almost a distant drem, what happened a few hours ago. "Should we get you home...?"
"No," I say immediately. "I'll text her...tell her that I'm staying at Alli's. She won't care." She probably will, but if I tell you that, you'll take me home for sure. "I want to be here with you."
"Should I take the couch?"
"You are staying right here," I order, and you smile at me, holding me tighter in your arms.
Before long, we're getting sleepy. You reach over to turn out your bedside lamp, holding me tight to your chest, holding on for dear life. I know that you're worried I'll want to leave, I can feel the desperation in your posture. But I promise that will never happen again. I will never make the mistake of losing you a second time. You are exactly what I need. You can't be absent for my life, nto again.
Because, you, Eli, are my everything.
So, how did you like this completely unrealistic and slightly desperate story? xD review?