So, here is another one of my one shots that I started a long time ago and just now got around to finishing. It takes place during season 3, before Naley reunited and it's AU/OCC...kind of? It's definitely like an alternate version of what could have happened and I do stretch Nathan and Haley's personalities a bit, but there are some familiar elements. I wrote this a little differently from how I usually write. I kind of tried a new style so to speak, and I'm actually really proud of how it came out. Hopefully, you all like it as well!
Side note, I was actually inspired to write this by another one shot I had read a long time ago. I can't remember the name of it, or where I read it, or who wrote it. I tried looking for it again recently, but I couldn't find it. ): I'm really sad about that because I would love to give credit to the author of it for fueling my imagination. If anyone who reads this recognizes some things from the fic I'm talking about and knows where I can find it, please let me know!
The knock on her front door echoes loudly through the empty and quiet apartment. Haley drags her feet across the gruff carpet, her tired eyes squinting to see the time on the microwave. It's a little past two in the morning and she's silently cursing Brooke forgetting her key…again. She'd lost count of how many times she'd reminded the pretty brunette to grab her key before she left for Lucas', so they could engage in their exclusive-non-exclusive-dating-extravaganza-thingy.
Another knock lands on the door and Haley can't stop her eyes from rolling. "I'm coming!" She shouts aggravatingly. Flipping the lock, Haley swings the door open. "Jesus, Brooke, if you would just remember—Nathan?"
She chokes over his name, her mouth suddenly feeling as dry as sandpaper. Her previous aggravation is quickly forgotten, only to be replaced by a grave confusion. Her heart is pounding loudly in her ears as she grips the door frame tightly. This is a dream. It has to be, because there was no way he is standing in front of her. She squeezes her eyes shut, willing herself to wake up from this false reality she has a feeling will bring her nothing but pain. Her heart skips a beat when she reopens her eyes to see her husband still standing in front of her.
Her husband who looks as if he hadn't slept in three days.
The dim streetlight barely illuminates his features, but she can still tell that his eyes are drooping low, heavy dark circles surrounding them. His hair is a purposeful mess. She swears she can still see the path his fingers had taken through the thick strands. An annoying voice in her head mocks her, repeating over and over again that she's the reason he looks like such a mess. Her heart sinks in her chest as a debilitating pain rips through her. She wraps her arms around her torso tightly, a lame attempt at keeping herself from physically falling to pieces.
"W-what are you doing here, Nathan?" Haley finally manages to choke out.
She doesn't miss the slight sway of his body. He extends an arm to catch himself from his almost-fall. Slumping against the door frame, he avoids her prodding gaze. "Can I come in?"
Haley isn't sure what to say. The last time they'd talked was a little over a week ago. It was a frigid conversation that had left her already shattered heart in even more pieces. The word "divorce" and the cold glare in Nathan's eyes when he muttered the word kept her up almost every night. She'd desperately told him that she loved him and that she believed things would be good for them again, but his blank stare told her he wasn't easily convinced.
She was starting to believe that maybe he'd really given up on them.
Despite her conscious screaming at her that letting him in is a bad idea and despite the strong urge to protect her heart, Haley opens the door wider. Nathan hesitates for a moment, a look of bewilderment flickering across his face. He clearly wasn't expecting her to let him in without a fight. Pushing himself off the doorframe, he crosses the threshold into the all-too-familiar apartment.
Haley barely closes the door before she feels Nathan's cool fingers wrap around her wrist. In one fluid motion, he has her pinned against the wooden door. His hands rest on either side of her head, effectively caging her in. Haley's eyes widen as her heart jumps in her throat. The sharp smell of bourbon burns her eyes with every heaving breath she takes. The shimmer of moonlight streaming in through the nearby window allows her to see his eyes more clearly. They are glazed over and a midnight blue color that causes a shiver to run up her spine.
"Nathan?" Haley questions nervously. She squirms under his intense gaze. The look in his eyes is so hauntingly familiar and goosebumps coat her skin in response. Her mind feels hazy as his body brushes up against hers. She can't remember the last time he was this close to her…it's intoxicating.
A gasp erupts from her throat when Nathan's lips unexpectedly glide across the skin of her neck at a languorous pace. Instinctively, Haley melts against him and her eyes flutter closed. It has been so long since Nathan has kissed her like this and the desire is spreading through her veins like a wildfire.
Haley knows she should push him away and demand to know what he's doing. He can't just show up at her doorstep in the middle of the night and kiss her like everything is okay between them. She reaches up to push him away, her hands gripping the ends of his jacket. She is just about to shove him when his lips graze a particular sensitive spot and instead, she finds herself pulling him closer.
Nathan trails a series of open-mouth kisses along the side of her throat, smirking against her skin at the soft and desperate moans dripping from her lips. His hands trail down her body, not so innocently brushing over the swell of her breasts. She shivers under his touch and it only spurs him on further.
"I can't stop thinking about you," Nathan breathes hotly into her ear, his words slurring together slightly. "The way you taste, the way you feel…"
Haley's grip on his jacket tightens. Her legs feel like jelly, the passion thrumming through her body at a record speed. Why can't she find the strength to push him away? Why is her body betraying her by giving in to his soft caresses and tantalizing kisses? The answer is simple: she misses him tremendously and here he is—touching her like he used to touch her and manipulating the sensitive spots on her neck like he had many times before.
"W-what are you—" Haley begins but is cut off by the feel of Nathan's lips on hers. She gasps into his mouth, as if she wasn't expecting him to kiss her despite the intimate way he was touching her. His lips are rough against hers, the kiss dirty and visceral. His hands are buried in her hair and she can taste the unmistakable sting of bourbon on his tongue.
The smart thing to do would be to pull herself away and kick him out of her apartment. But she can't. She had spent so many nights, when she was on tour and after she came home, dreaming about what it would be like to kiss him again. To be with him again. The gaping hole in her chest where Nathan used to be is calling out to him. She just wants him and if this is the only way she can have him, the she's going to take it.
Haley knows she'll hate herself in the morning, but right now her heart and her body are in too much of a frenzy for her to care.
Nathan's hands ghost down the length of her body, never spending too much time caressing one place. Haley squeals in surprise when Nathan's hands grip her thighs and lift her up, pressing her harder against the door. She wraps her legs around his waist, her body temperature spiking when he grinds his lower body against her. He's already so hard, and the knowledge that she still affects him in that way has her heart sputtering.
"Hales, baby," Nathan groans, tearing his lips away from hers. He rests his forehead against hers, his lips hovering only centimeters away from hers. His eyes are screwed shut, almost like he's in pain or in deep concentration. "I want you so fucking bad."
This is her last chance to walk away. There are so many things wrong with this situation—Nathan isn't sober, they aren't together, and their future is still so uncertain. But when Nathan squeezes her waist and begins to press the softest of kisses to the corner of her mouth, all she can think about is how very right this situation seems.
"Brooke's gone for the night," Haley chokes out.
That is all the confirmation Nathan needs. Backing away from the front door, he carries Haley to the bedroom. His lips never leave hers as he practically kisses the life out of her, his teeth nipping at her lips and his tongue stroking the inner crevices of her mouth. With every moan and whimper, Nathan just kisses her harder. It's like he's addicted to the sound.
Reaching her bed, Nathan gently lays her down. She watches with baited breath as his eyes, dark as midnight, drink her in. Her insides feel as if they're melting, his gaze licking a flame over every inch of her skin. A heartbeat later, he cloaks her body with his own. She shudders at the feel of his weight pressing her hard into the softness of the mattress, the heat coming off of him in waves.
A desperate whimper slips from Haley's lips when the rough pads of Nathan's fingers caress the smooth planes of her stomach, disappearing underneath her silk tank top. His lips are on hers a second later, swallowing her moans as his hands travel farther north. An ache resonates through her, a blissful urgency that only he can invoke in her. She feels like she's floating, the feel of his lips and hands on her after so long feels almost dream-like.
Even in his inebriated state, Nathan still remembers exactly how to kiss her and touch her to set her ablaze. She didn't know whether to sob at the actions, or melt.
Haley's lust filled haze intensifies when he pulls her tank-top off of her body, tossing it haphazardly. He kisses a fiery trail between the valley of her breasts and down her quivering stomach. As if she has no control over her body, Haley lifts her hips off the bed, her body arching into his touch. She swears she hears him mumble "so beautiful" into her skin, but her heart is thumping so loudly in her ears that she can't be sure.
Nathan reaches the edge of her sleep shorts, his tongue lavishing her heated skin. She breathes his name when he looks up at her through his thick eyelashes. He hooks his thumbs in the waistband of her shorts, but then pauses. It only takes her a few seconds to realize that he's asking her for permission. Her heart warms at the sentiment. Biting down on her bottom lip, Haley gingerly nods her head. Not wasting another a second, Nathan yanks both her shorts and her underwear down her lean legs.
"Fuck," Nathan murmurs hoarsely as he rakes his eyes over her naked body. Haley's face flushes and the ache between her leg intensifies at the amount of lust evident in his voice.
Her heart is in her throat as she watches him slide his jacket off of his shoulders, leaving him in a red polo and dark wash jeans. Leaning over her, he rests one hand beside her head and the other one strokes her inner thigh. He's so close to where she desperately wants him and she's squirming with need. Unabashedly, she whines and a smirk plays on Nathan's lips as he finally moves his hand up at that final inch.
"You're so wet," Nathan pants, his fingers moving over her in slow and deliberate circles. He seems mesmerized by the way she's withering beneath him, her eyes squeezed shut and her mouth open in pure ecstasy. "Who are you wet for? Huh?"
His voice is a husky whisper that brings chills down her spine.
"Y-You," She manages. A loud moan bubbles up her throat when he easily guides a finger inside of her. "Oh, God."
He's relentless as he continues to stroke her. Her back arches off of the bed, while her fingers fist the bed sheet. Her body feels as tight as a coiled spring, threatening to come un-done with each sweep of his fingers. Nathan is the only person she's ever been with, but she's certain that no one else can pleasure her like he can.
All it takes is the feel of his tongue on her pulse point for her to shatter. His name drips from her lips in a guttural moan as tremor after tremor pulls through her body. Her body is still recovering from the strength of her orgasm when she feels Nathan move off the bed. The sound of his belt clanking undone has a new wave of anticipation rolling through her.
She's certain that her insatiable need for him is something that will never waiver.
Haley swallows thickly when Nathan returns to his place on top of her. She moans breathlessly when she feels him resting, hard and wanting, on her inner thigh. Scratching her nails down the hard planes of his chest, she smiles when he presses against her harder, a growl tumbling out.
Haley pants heavily when he lines himself up with her entrance. He rubs against her and she instinctively wraps her legs around his waist. Every never ending in her body is fizzling and she feels like screaming when he doesn't make any effort to move.
"N-Nathan, please," She pleads breathlessly, squeezing her thighs around his torso.
"Tell me you want me," Nathan slurs into her ear. "Tell me I'm the only one."
Her stomach tumbles at the dominating edge to Nathan's voice.
"G-God, Nathan, I want you," Haley promises. "I only want you. It's always b-been you."
That seems to satisfy Nathan as he grips her hips hard and presses into her. Their mutual moans of pure satisfaction fill the large bedroom. Nathan buries his head in the crook of Haley's neck before he begins to rock his hips into hers.
Haley dusts her fingers over the skin of his back, her fingers gliding with ease against the thin layer of perspiration that's formed. Her eyes practically roll to the back of her head as the pleasure threatens to completely consume her. If she tries hard enough, she can almost pretend that things are perfect between them. His body is moving against hers in a slow and heartbreakingly familiar rhythm.
"Nathan," She whimpers.
"Shit, Haley, you feel even better than I remember," Nathan groans into her damp skin.
Their slick bodies move together as they fight for completion. Nathan's hands freely roam Haley's body, caressing the most sensitive spots on her skin. Occasionally he places soft kisses on the side of her neck, his tongue darting out to lavish her skin. Shudder after shudder of pleasure paralyzes her. It surprises Haley how quickly her second orgasm builds inside of her.
"I'm so close," Haley moans, her breathing becoming more erratic.
"Me, too, baby," He purrs back.
Nathan speeds up his movements. A few moments later, Haley's body seizes as she comes undone. Nathan isn't far behind her, her name falling from his lips in a husky murmur. He collapses boneless on top of her. He's breathing heavily as he burrows his head further into Haley's curls. Her body hums with bliss as her fingers play with the damp hair on the nape of his neck.
There are so many thoughts running through her mind and there's so much she wants to say. She's just not sure what the right thing to say is.
Any bliss she's feeling is wiped clean when Nathan finally rolls off her. His eyes remain closed and the space he leaves between them puts another crack in her shattered heart. She itches she curl up next to him—to lay her head on his chest and run her fingers over his heated skin—like she had so many times before after they'd made love. Instead, she remains where she is.
Reality sets in and tears burn in her eyes. Even though he's lying a couple inches away from her, he feels like he's miles away. She's silently begging him to open his eyes, to turn and look at her. She wants him to say something, anything that will quell the sudden icy feeling making its way through her veins. A single tear rolls down her cheek when a soft snore emits from his mouth.
"I love you," She whispers to his sleeping figure.
~x~
Haley barely sleeps during the night. Instead, she catches herself staring at Nathan like he's going to disappear in thin air. She's afraid that if she falls asleep she'll wake up to an empty bed, that would surely kill her. Desperately, she wants to talk to Nathan. A sober Nathan.
She needs to know what he's thinking.
She holds her breath when Nathan's eyes begin to flutter open. She watches as he slowly blinks as his forehead creases. He looks around and her heart slams against her ribs. When his piercing blue eyes finally land on hers, she can breathe again. Confusion mars his features, until everything rushes back to him. His expression melts from confusion into realization and she begins to tremble.
"Nathan," Haley begins to say.
He shakes his head as he tosses the covers off his body. He looks frantic, his jaw clicking as he surveys her room. "I-I was, uh, drunk, I…"
A lump forms in her throat as her heart plummets into her stomach. She sits up, holding the covers tightly to her body. "I know. Can we…can we talk?"
Nathan scurries around as he picks up his clothes. He doesn't look at her while he slides the garments back on. "I have to go."
"Nathan!" Haley desperately calls after him.
He hesitates for a moment, turning back around to face her. He avoids her gaze, his eyes resting right above her head. "I'm sorry," He mutters hoarsely, before turning his back and walking out the door.
It's not until she hears the front door slam shut does she fall apart. Her heart feels like it had been ripped out of her chest and it feels like she can't breathe. The tears pour out in buckets and the only solid thing she can think is that maybe she was better off staying on tour.
~x~
Nathan's not sure why he decided to come to this party. The music is starting to give him a raging headache and the alcohol is starting to leave a sour taste in his mouth. Everyone around him is smiling and laughing, which is reversely only adding to his sour mood. The Ravens lost, Lucas played like shit, and his dad really laid into him about how crappy he played from the moment the game ended until just a few moments ago. But sure, party, why the hell not?
It doesn't help matters that his wife is in attendance, and God, she looks amazing.
He can't take his eyes off of her. She is hell on the heart, with her long blonde hair and doe-like eyes. She's still wearing her cheerleading uniform and a sense of pride blooms in him as he remembers the way she cheered for him during the game. She is still the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen and that thought alone makes everything so much more difficult.
He takes another sip of his beer as he watches her converse with Brooke. Her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes and he feels a stab of guilt in the pit of his stomach. Her shoulders are slightly slumped and she hasn't stopped fiddling with her wedding ring since she arrived. It's a nervous habit of hers, a habit that tells him she's anything but comfortable. He wants to run to her side to comfort her, but it's like he can't move.
Nathan's jaw ticks when some guy walks up to Haley and Brooke, his eyes clearly set on Haley. He doesn't recognize the shaggy blonde, but he doesn't miss the flirtatious smile he shoots at her. Haley's discomfort becomes more prominent as her face scrunches up nervously. His eyes narrow when the blonde reaches out to touch Haley's arm. A painful bout of jealousy curls in his stomach. The grip he has on his beer can tightens, the aluminum crunching from the force.
"Woah, what's got you so red in the face?" Peyton's voice interrupts his thoughts.
Craning his neck to look at the curly blonde, he juts his chin out in Haley's direction.
A look of understanding crosses over Peyton's features. "Ah, I see. I hate to say it, but your wife looks pretty hot in a Ravens uniform."
"Haley always looks hot," Nathan mumbles, his eyes never once leaving her direction. The unknown boy is still talking to Haley and she's anxiously shifting her eyes around, like she's searching for an escape route. He grits his teeth when he notices Brooke encouraging the conversation.
"Have you talked to her at all?" Peyton asks hesitantly.
Nathan's mouth dries as his memory flashes to the last time he saw Haley. The night they spent together is a little fuzzy, only bits and pieces come in on clear satellite. But he sure remembers the morning after and his heart drops to his stomach.
Clearing his throat, Nathan shakes his head. "Not really."
The corner of Peyton's mouth turns up in a half, sympathetic smile. "You can't avoid her forever, Nate. She's still your wife."
"I know," He replies lamely.
He hears Peyton start to say something else, but her words fall on deaf ears. All he can focus on is the fact that the guy talking to Haley now has his arm around her shoulders. His chest constricts with anger. She's trying to wiggle away from him and Nathan's about two seconds away from pounding his face in. As if some higher power is on his side, Haley says something to him that turns his expression cold.
He can breathe easily again when the boy finally walks away, leaving Haley lonesome.
This strong sense yearning and need makes itself present inside of him. With a sober and clear mind, he can suppress it, ignore it until it finally leaves him alone. But the alcohol sloshing through his veins makes him keenly aware of it. It's the same yearning that bubbled up inside of him a few nights ago when he showed up at their—her apartment. He knows he shouldn't act on it. He should just walk away and ignore it, but the fire burning inside of him gets stronger with every passing second.
He feels himself giving in and his hatred for himself skyrockets. He's being unfair to her, he's being unfair to the both of them. But with a broken heart and tattered mind, all rational becomes obsolete.
"I think I'm going to go talk to Haley," Nathan announces, cutting off Peyton's rant about people who leave and then come back, or something of that nature. Tossing his beer in some random trash can, he takes off after Haley with a fierce gleam in his eye.
He all but stalks her as she weaves her way through the throngs of people. His heartbeat increases in speed with every inch that he gets closer. Noticing an empty bedroom to his left, Nathan moves quickly as he grabs Haley's hand, pulling her into the empty bedroom.
With wide eyes, a surprised squeal leaves Haley's lips as she's thrusted into a dark room. A chilled fear trickles down her spine. She's prepared to scream and fight against her attacker. Her fist raises to swat at the man in front of her but she freezes when she hears Nathan's gruff voice.
"Shh, Hales, it's just me."
Slowly, she lowers her winded up fist and blinks hard. It takes a couple of seconds for her eyes to adjust to the blackness. His silhouette is only a few inches in front of her and as far as she can tell, he's still wearing his light blue dress shirt from before the game. Her heart jumps in her throat as a new wave of nervousness washes over her.
"Nathan? W-what are you doing here?" She knows it's a stupid question. It's very rare that Nathan misses a Ravens after-party, win or lose.
"My teammates basically forced me to come," Nathan murmurs twistedly, shrugging his shoulders. "And…I was hoping to see you."
Out of nervous habit, she begins twirling her wedding ring around her finger. His words are slightly slurred and that only serves to make her even more nervous.
"You played good tonight."
He chuckles dryly. "Not good enough."
Haley flinches at the self-deprecating tone his voice takes on. The desire to pull him into her arms and console him like she had many times before sweeps through her. She's still learning all the ins and outs of basketball, but even she knows that he played fairly well. There's no doubt in her mind that Dan Scott is the reason he's beating himself up.
"You were voted 'Player of the Game', that has to count for something, right?" Haley mutters, shifting her weight from foot to foot.
"I guess," Nathan replies awkwardly. An uncomfortable silence seeps in-between them and it bothers him that he can't see her face. He needs to know how she's feeling and her eyes are like an open window to her soul.
"I should go," Haley says quietly as she turns to leave. The awkwardness that has formed between them is too much for her to handle.
"Please don't," Nathan quickly pleads, panic shooting through him. When she opens the door, he quickly reaches over her and presses the palm of his hand against the door, slamming it shut. Haley whips around to look at him and he doesn't think twice about pressing her against the door.
"Nathan," She breaths out, her voice hoarse and her eyes wide. The bitter scent of the beer on his breath mixed in with the intoxicating scent of his cologne is quickly making her dizzy. His hands are planted firmly on her waist. Her breath hitches in her throat when his thumbs slip under the hem of her top. The callouses on the pads of his thumbs are rough against her smooth skin, and she hates how quickly her body seems to heat up.
Nathan's lips are a breath away from hers and she finds herself at a familiar crossroads. Her inner conscious is screaming at her to push him away, reminding her that she is better than this. Crossing that line again with him isn't going to fix anything and she's foolish to believe that maybe this time would be different.
"I-I have to go," Haley chokes out. Those words burned in the back of her throat as she places her hands on the hard planes of his chest. Her stomach twists painfully when she gives him a soft shove. "We can't do this again."
Nathan can sense her pulling away from him, both physically and emotionally. The panic spreads through him like a wildfire. He can't let her slip away from him, not again. He isn't naïve to think that what they are doing isn't hurting her. He knows it was because he feels the pain in his chest when it ends, just like she does. But he can't…he can't stop. He needs to feel something other than pain and she is the only one who can help him with that, even if she is partly the reason that pain is there.
He really is a selfish bastard.
Nathan's grip on her waist tightens as he pulls her flush against his body. The gasp that emits from her lips has a fresh layer of goosebumps rising on his skin. "I want you," He mumbles huskily, nuzzling his nose against hers.
She swallows thickly. "I-I can't." Her resolve is quickly slipping away, especially with the desire she hears in Nathan's voice.
"I want all of you." The words spill from his lips like a loose cannon. One of his hands drops from her waist to grip her hand. Lifting it up, he places her palm flat against his chest, right above his heart.
Haley's eyes fill with tears when she feels his heart pounding against the palm of her hand. "Nathan—"
"I love you."
His voice is barely above a whisper, but she still hears him loud and clear. Her resolve completely disappears at that, a few tears cascading down her cheeks. There is a chance that his declaration is alcohol induced, but she doesn't allow herself to believe that. She can't, because she fears what would happen to her if she did.
Nathan leans in closers to brush his lips against hers in the softest whisper of a kiss and her arms un-defensively wrap around his neck. The illusion won't last long and it's going to kill her when it ends, but right now she can't find the means to care.
"I love you," Nathan murmurs against her lips. It feels like a weight has been lifted off his whiskey heart just by saying those words to her again.
Those three little words sets something off inside of her and before she can really comprehend what she's doing, she's kissing him more forcefully. Her delicate fingers are woven through the thick strands of his hair. She mewls into his mouth when he pushes her back against the bedroom door.
Nathan hands massage her waist and down to the curve of her ass. His eyes roll back when she pulls away from his mouth and peppers wet kisses down his neck. It'd been so long since she'd kissed him like that and he grows harder at the action. She's the only person who has that effect on him with just a few kisses and it is so damn intoxicating.
He trembles when her small fingers work on the buttons of his shirt, her lips caressing every inch of newly exposed skin. One of his hands snake its way into her hair to hold her to him as he gasps her name. His shirt falls effortlessly off his body and he almost swallows his tongue when she drops to her knees in front of him. If he can't remember the last time she kissed his skin, he sure as hell can't remember the last time she went down on him.
Haley's hands are quivering as she works on undoing his belt. Yanking his khaki's and boxers down so that they're pooled around his knees, she doesn't waste a second taking him in her mouth. A jolt of electricity spazzes through her at the loud hiss he releases.
"Fuck," Nathan mutters as she practically devours him. She knows just how to use her tongue to turn him into goo and she is showing no mercy. Liquid fire replaces the blood in his veins and desperately weaves his fingers through her hair, needing something to hold on to.
"Babe, fuck, you g-gotta stop," He mumbles a few seconds later, gently pulling away from her. When she jumps to her feet and licks her lips, his brain short circuits. Surging towards her, he lifts her up in his arms and slams her back into the door, his hands disappearing underneath her skirt.
Haley gasps when he rips her cheer bloomers away from her body, and a second later he's inside of her with one quick thrust. All sense of time, place, and their rocky relationship completely washes away instantly. Her eyes squeeze shut as her finger nails dig into the round tops of his shoulders. Locking her legs around his waist, she urges him to move.
Taking the hint, he starts to grind his hips into hers roughly. The fiery pleasure ricochets through his body at a record speed, nearly leaving him breathless. There is something so primal and so erotic about what they're currently doing. Their bodies are pressed tightly together against a door, with an entire party raging on just inches from where they are.
Nathan hides his face in her hair, his eyes screwing shut. "You're always so fucking tight," He growls huskily.
Haley shudders his lust laden voice, another moan dripping from her lips. "F-faster," She begs coarsely. It's too much, yet not enough at the same time. Her back is wickedly colliding with the wooden door, but the pain oddly feels good. She's almost positive she's going to have bruises on the back of her thighs in the shape of Nathan's fingers, but she doesn't mind.
"Shit, baby, I'm gonna—" He can't finish his thought as he groans into her hair. He grits his teeth. He doesn't want it to end, God, he doesn't want to be thrown back into reality, but he knows he's only seconds away. And judging by the way Haley is moaning his name and clawing at his back, she's right behind him.
"Oh, God," Haley pants as everything explodes inside of her. Her ears are filled with white noise as an euphoric warmth cloaks her body.
"Hales," Nathan groans as he finds his release. His heart is pounding wildly in his chest, his skin slick with sweat. He fights to gain control of his body, before he gently places Haley back on her feet.
Haley falls back against the door, her legs too wobbly for her to stand straight. Chewing on her bottom lip, she observes Nathan as he pulls his khaki's back up and fastens the belt around his waist. Without stealing even a glance in her direction, he grabs his shirt from off the floor and slings it over his shoulders.
A feeling of dread forms in her stomach. He's eerily quiet and she braces herself for the brush off she knows is coming.
Nathan secures the last button on his shirt and keeps his gaze locked on the floor. The reality of the situation stings. He can't believe that he let himself become weak…again. He suddenly feels as if he can't breathe. He needs to get out of there. He needs…he needs to breathe.
"Are you…okay?" Haley forces out. She can hear him breathing hard.
"I'm sorry," Nathan mumbles, making his way towards the door. He silently thanks God that she moves out of the way. "I had too much to drink and I-I don't know what I was thinking. I'm so sorry."
Before he can hear her response, he swings the door open and bolts out of them. Every step he takes out of that room adds another crack in his heart. God, things are so screwed up.
~x~
Haley's shoulders slump as she tries to focus on her homework. A yawn escapes her lips as the words in front of her blur together. No matter how hard she tries, she can't focus on her homework. She is just so tired, emotionally and physically. Her head feels like it's underwater, clouded with thoughts of Nathan and how messed up their situation was.
For the past month, they had been spending quite a few nights together. Somehow Nathan always knew when Brooke was sleeping over Lucas' house and he'd show up at Haley's doorstep late at night. Every time she heard that familiar knock echo through her apartment, Haley swore she wouldn't answer it. Soon enough, she'd find herself unlocking her door and getting lost in his kiss and his touch like she had so many times before.
She could almost pretend things were perfect between them, with the way he moved against her and with the things he'd drunkenly whisper in her ear. But then the sun would come up and reality would set in. Nathan would mutter something about being drunk and take off before they had a chance to talk about anything. Each and every time it felt like a bullet in her heart.
She really is a gluttony for punishment, and she's not sure how much more she can take before she completely shatters.
"What's on your mind, Hales?" Lucas asks, plopping down on the couch next to her. She'd spent the last twenty minutes staring into space, a blank English worksheet resting in her lap. That is sign number one that something is wrong with her. When Haley sits down to do her homework, she really commits herself to it.
Lucas' voice breaks her out of her trance. Glancing over at him, she gulps when she sees the worry in his eyes. She contemplates lying to him. It would be easy to brush him off, to say that she's fine. But she is tired of lying. She's been lying to everyone for weeks. Most importantly, she's been lying to herself.
Removing her English book and her worksheet from her lap, she places it on the coffee table. Then, she twists her body towards Lucas and brings her knees up to her chest. "Can I tell you something?"
Lucas laughs airily. "I was hoping that you would."
Haley takes in a calming breath, before the words seems to rush out of her. "I've kind of been sleeping with Nathan."
Lucas' eyebrows shoot up as he leans forward. "Define sleeping."
Haley gives him a pointed look, the tips of her ears flushing pink. "I think you know."
"I thought you guys weren't back together?"
Haley adverts her gaze away from Lucas, choosing instead to focus on the tiny hole in her sock. Shame washes over her as she swallows the lump that was quickly forming in her throat. "We…aren't."
"Haley!"
She cringes at the accusing tone of his voice, squeezing her eyes shut. Her throat burns as a sob threatens to escape her. Haley can almost picture the disappointed look she knows Lucas is sporting. "I'm not proud of it."
"How could you let something like this happen?" Lucas asks softly. She is surprised to find that his previous accusatory tone has vanished and is replaced with genuine worry. "That…that isn't you, Hales."
"I know," Haley mumbles sadly, a single tear falling down her cheek. She quickly brushes it away. "It's just…he shows up here and even though he's drunk, I can still see glimpses of—"
"Wait, wait, hold on, he shows up drunk?" Lucas booms, jumping up from the couch. "He must know how vulnerable you are and he shows up here and tries to force himself on you?! He uses alcohol as an excuse to be with you?!"
Haley can practically feel the anger radiating off of Lucas. His blue eyes—ones that are so similar to Nathan's it made her stomach knot up whenever she caught glimpses of them—are alight with a fierce anger. His fingers are curled into tight fists, his knuckles fading white. She's hard pressed to think of a time he'd ever been that angry.
Sighing heavily, Haley shakes her head. "He doesn't force me into anything, Luke. Everything that happens, I want to happen."
"But, why?" He barks back. "Why put yourself through that?"
Haley runs a hand over her face and takes a shaky breath. "Will you just listen to everything I have to say before jumping to conclusions? Please? I could really use my best friend right about now."
Lucas remains quiet for a few seconds. His eyes quickly sweep over her face and he can easily see the toll everything is having on her. The dark circles under her eyes are a foreign feat for her, as are the worry lines creasing her forehead. The tears in her eyes cinch his heart and his expression softens. It hurts him to see his best friend like this—someone that he's used to seeing so strong and sensible.
"Okay," He agrees quietly, sliding back into his spot on the couch. "I'm sorry, Hales. I just hate the fact that you're hurting. I wish I could do something to help you."
"You can," Haley says with a soft smile. "By letting me confide in you and by keeping an open mind."
"Fine, I am all ears," Lucas concedes with a heavy sigh.
The words seem to effortlessly flow out of her. Her heart aches with each syllable.
"Yes, he shows up drunk, but I can still see glimpses of my Nathan—the things he says to me, the way he touches me." Haley ignores the way Lucas grimaces at that. "I know Nathan, and I know that this isn't just about sex for him. He would never use me like that. I just don't know what this is about for him."
"What is it about for you?" Lucas butts in, his eyebrows furrowing
"I'm getting there," She mumbles, her eyes burning as she tried to keep her tears at bay. "I know I should put an end to this. I know that it's making an already bad situation worse, but…it's like I can't. Every time he comes over, the words are on the tip of my tongue, but it's like I shut down. All of these emotions come rushing to the surface and I realize that I want him in any way that I can have him."
Lucas' shoulders slump as he listens to Haley's voice crack, a few stray tears coating her cheeks. Sliding closer to her, he wraps an arm around her shoulders and pulls her into his chest. Her quiet sobs feel like a knife in the stomach. "Oh, Hales."
"I know it's not healthy," She continues to cry, burying her head into his chest. "I'm usually the sensible and smart one. I usually consider things from every angle and I don't just jump into things. But this…this feels so much different. It's like my heart wants what it wants and I can't do anything about it."
"Love causes you to do irrational things," Lucas tries to sympathize. "Do you…do you want me to talk to Nathan?"
Haley quickly shakes her head in dismissal. "I'm pretty sure that would just make things worse."
Lucas lifts Haley's head up and cups her cheeks. Using the pads of his thumbs, he wipes away her steadily falling tears. He can't deny that he feels a burning anger towards Nathan. But the last thing his best friend needs is to hear his disdain. She needs hope and there is no doubt in his mind that they'll eventually work this out. "Hey, hey, look, everything's going to be okay. I promise."
"How do you know that?" Haley sniffles.
"Because you're Nathan and Haley," Lucas responds with a slight smile. "I have never seen two people so in love before in my life. If anyone is destined to beat the odds, it's you two."
Haley gives him a weak smile, which fades almost as quickly as it appeared. "Things are so messed up, Luke."
Lucas drops his hands to her shoulders and squeezes them comfortingly. "I know, Hales, but you'll figure it out. You always do."
~x~
"I'm s-sorry, I was dr—"
"No, you weren't."
Nathan, who was attempting to slip out of Haley's bed, freezes. His stomach drops and a lump forms in his throat. He keeps his back to her, his eyes on the floor and the tips of his ears are flushing pink. He's been caught and he's mind goes blank at the notion.
"H-How do you know that?" Nathan asks meekly, after swallowing the lump in his throat. He holds his breath as he waits for her answer.
Haley toys with the comforter on her bed as the previous night flashes through her mind. At first, she was certain that Nathan was drunk again when that familiar knock sounded through her empty apartment. As soon as she opened the door, they fell into their usual rhythm. Except there was one thing that stood out to her the most…
"You looked me in the eyes when we made love," Haley blurts out. "Every other time, you buried your face in my hair…but not last night."
Nathan slowly exhales the breath he was holding as he squeezes his eyes shut. He thinks back to the previous night and the first image that pops into his mind is of him staring at the new bottle of Four Roses he'd gotten his hands on. The red LED lights on his alarm were mocking him, reminding him that he could be at Haley's apartment in twenty minutes flat.
It was that moment that he started wondering what it would be like to be with Haley again without the alcohol sluicing through him. He wondered what it would be like to touch her without the fuzzy images or hear the sounds she made without the hollow mind. It was also then that he realized he couldn't stomach any more alcohol. Ashamed, he had taken one swig of the bourbon, hoping that it would cover his bases. Evidently, it didn't.
"I was starting to think you were picturing someone else." Haley's timid voice breaks through his thoughts.
He snaps around to face her and he feels a piece of his heart break at the vulnerability and fear he finds in her eyes. He hates himself even more that he caused her to think such a vile thought. "That's…that's not what I was doing."
A chill crawls up her spine at the sincerity in his eyes. "Then what?"
He takes an uneven breath. "I didn't want to see the hate in your eyes…the hate that I put there."
Haley's eyes widen and she inhales sharply. He thinks she hates him? Her heart feels heavy in her chest. "Why would you say something like that?"
Swallowing thickly, he twists his body around so he's facing her more head-on. "I made you choose between your dream and me, Haley."
"And I chose my dream over you," She reminds him. She can't handle the thought of him blaming himself for this. She's the one who left, not him.
"You shouldn't have had to choose," Nathan insists. "I should've been more supportive. But instead I let my pride get in the way. I let myself get caught up in jealousy and fear. Then to make matters worse, you come back and I treat you like shit. I throw things in your face, I leave and then don't tell you when I come back, I ask for a divorce…"
Tears burn in Haley's eyes as she listens to his rant. She wasn't aware that he felt that way and it feels like a punch in the stomach. "I don't hate you, Nathan."
He can breathe normally again when those words fall from her lips. He reaches up to brush away the tears cascading down her cheeks and his heart flutters when she leans into his touch.
"I messed up, too," Haley continues on. "I shouldn't have left the way that I did. I should have come back after that first call. Then all of that stuff with Chris…that shouldn't have happened either."
"We both made monstrous mistakes," Nathan concludes with a heavy sigh.
"You've been using alcohol as an excuse to be with me and I've been letting you," Haley says gently.
Nathan bows his head guiltily. "Why didn't you turn me away?"
Haley smiles weakly. "Because I love you and I didn't want to lose you completely. If that was the only way I could have you, then I was going to take it."
"That wasn't fair to you," Nathan argues. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay."
"Is it?"
Haley nods. "I never once believed that it was just for sex."
Nathan scoots his body closer to her and slinks an arm around her, pulling her into his chest. "God, no. It was never just about sex for me. I did it, because I love you. I was scared of being vulnerable around you again and when I was sober, I put these walls up. With the alcohol, they came tumbling down and all I could think about was you and—"
"Shh, shh, it's okay," She promises with a small giggle. "I get it."
Haley curls into him and she can't deny how good it feels to be in his arms again. To hear him say he loved her again…it was reviving. Her heart feels…lighter and for once, she feels a strong sense of hope, instead of just a glimmer.
"What are we going to do, Nathan?"
Nathan's hold on her tightens. "We have a lot of things to work on and it's not going to be easy. But the roots are still there, it just takes time."