[A/N]: So this is just a quick little author's note, the big one is at the bottom. This fic has some mature themes, that's why it's rated M...so if you can't handle self-harming I am suggesting that you don't read this... Like always reviews are always welcomed, I love, love, love hearing from you guys and I hope you enjoy this little one-shot. :)
I knew that retaliating hadn't been the best option, but really...what else could I do? Just sit there and take it? Not acknowledge that I was being singled out because of my sexuality? No...That wouldn't do. So I had done what I thought was best at the time, I ran after Karofsky, barging through the locker room with all my might.
That's when things started to get a little hazy. I had been so angry then, that every time i tried to look back, everything was fuzzy and unclear. I remember some things, like calling Karofsky a ham hock...or something. And I remember telling him that he couldn't change me no matter what. But what I distinctly remember was the feeling of rough hands scratching my skin, chapped lips moved without experience against mine. Just as suddenly as the lips had been on mine they were gone. What. The actual. Fuck. Did that just happen? I saw the big body move towards me again but I had finally regained the use of my body and pushed Karofsky away from me.
My mind went fuzzy again after that, numb all the way through. But that was just the beginning, if I had known what I was in for I would have just stayed at McKinley.
I had been at Dalton for about two weeks when it happened. The cute senior from Warblers had finally come up to me. It was well known that he was gay, and a heartbreaker, but I couldn't care less, he was gorgeous, and he was hitting on me. Not just hitting on me, I realized. He had just asked me out on a date for tonight. And I had said yes! This was the clearest my head had felt since...well since the Karofsky Incident...as I had taken to calling it. Ever since that time in the locker room my mind had been a little hazy. I had figured that it would go away in time but the only time I ever really saw clearly was when I was with Blaine, or right now. But I saw Blaine walking towards me with a concerned expression on his face, so I temporarily put aside my excited feelings and paid attention to him.
"Hey Blaine."
"Hey Kurt...Did Anthony just ask you out?" The look on Blaine's face was starting to set me on edge. He looked so...alarmed.
"Yeah...Is that a problem?" My voice came out a little bitchier than I intended, and I saw Blaine visibly recoil from it.
"You've heard the stories about him, why did you agree?" Okay so Blaine was really started to get on my nerves. I was finally thinking clearly! I didn't want him to bring me down from this clarity and he was ruining it!
"I'm a big boy Blaine. I can take care of myself and I certainly don't need you telling me who I can or can't date." The concerned look was wiped completely off of Blaine's face, replaced by anger instead.
"You can handle...Really Kurt? You can handle yourself? Like how you handled the bullying at McKinley? Or how about how you handled Karofsky? Did you handle that?" I sucked in a large breath at the mention of Karofsky. Blaine knew that subject was off-limits, yet he deliberately threw it in my face.
"Fuck. You." I gritted through my teeth, "I didn't ask for your opinion, and I don't need your help, so just leave. Me. Alone!" I shouted the last word, pushing past Blaine and stomping down the hallway without looking back. I was going to go get ready for my date, and I was going to have an awesome time tonight.
It was about five hours later when I heard the knock on my door. I practically ran to the door to open it up, and Anthony was leaning against my door frame, looking as handsome as ever. I was still a bit shaken from my fight with Blaine and just wanted to get this date started.
"Hey Anthony." I sounded breathless; oh God I hoped breathless was good.
"Hey Kurt." The charming, debonair smile that seemed to belong on Anthony's face showed itself; making me knees weaken a little.
"So...where are we going tonight?" Anthony just raised an eyebrow at me.
"I thought that we could stay here?" He must have seen my confusion because he instantly set out to ease it. "I just don't want to share you, I want you to be all mine tonight." An almost feral smile broke out across his face. I ignored it and brought him into my single room, leading him to the couch.
We were halfway through Moulin Rouge when I felt Anthony kiss my jaw. It surprised me at first, but after a few more kisses I decided that it was fine. Anthony kept kissing me jaw, my neck, anything his lips could reach. Finally I became too distracted and had to turn away from the movie, letting him kiss me full on the mouth. It started out as a chaste kiss, but quickly turned more erotic. Our tongues were battling for dominance and hey, look at that, I was getting that clarity that I so desperately craved.
A few more minutes, or hours for all i knew, passed and then Anthony's hand was on my thigh, creeping closer and closer towards my...well...growing problem. I felt him undo the zipper of my pants and that's when I finally snapped out of it.
"What are you doing?" I asked as i broke away from his mouth.
"Shh...It's going to be fine. Just relax." His hand started to work its way into my pants, and okay that was enough of that.
"Anthony, I'm not that kind of guy." My mind was started to get hazy again, everything around me receding into grays. I saw something change in his eyes, that feral look was back and it was terrifying me.
"You seemed like that kind of guy a few minutes ago when you had your tongue shoved down my throat. Is this what you do Kurt? String boys along with those big blue eyes of yours and leave them out to dry?" I tried to move away, but all of Anthony's weight was right over top of me, making it impossible to move.
"N-no...I didn't mean to strong you along!" I was started to get really scared. The look in Anthony's eyes wasn't leaving and it was beginning to make me re-think my choices.
"Like hell you didn't! I see how you look at me and how you flirt with me! You do not get to say no, Kurt. Not with me." And with that Anthony grabbed both my wrists in one hand and shoved his hand back in my pants. I tried to fight back and squirm away, but Anthony took the hand that was palming at my underwear and back handed me. I felt the ring on his finger cut into my eyebrow and then suddenly everything was crystal clear again. I felt a drop of blood run down the side of my face as he once again reached back in my pants.
It wasn't that I wanted this, but my body seemed to be responding to Anthony's massaging and all the body was running from my head downward. I desperately wished that I wasn't hard, maybe that would make Anthony stop. But it didn't matter because I was hard, and Anthony wasn't stopping and he was right over top of me whispering in my ear.
"Oh yeah...Mmm...you are so fucking beautiful...come for me, Kurt." I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing to every deity out there that this would please just stop. Someone out there must have heard my pleas because not two minutes later I finally came, feeling Anthony do the same a few seconds after.
Anthony lay there over top of me for a few more seconds, breathing heavily and sweating from exertion. I kept my eyes closed and tried desperately to pretend that this had never happened. I felt the heavy weight on top of me leave and heard the sound of the door opening and closing.
I was still trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. I had just been raped...That's what it was right? I mean, I had told him to stop and he didn't so it was rape. I felt strangely calm and empty for someone who had just been so violated.
I curled up on my couch, slipping out of my come-stained underwear and pulling a blanket over top of me. Maybe this was all just a dream.
I woke up the next morning thinking that yes, it had all been a dream. My illusion was shattered when I saw the title screen for Moulin Rouge on my TV and my stained underwear on the floor beside my couch. I still couldn't bring myself to feel anything though. If anything, the haziness in my mind was worse.
I got up, threw out my underwear and hopped in the shower. Somewhere in between washing my hair and face I realized that Blaine and I were still fighting. Once again I couldn't bring myself to really...care. I would see Blaine at breakfast and maybe everything would get fixed out.
When I got down to the dining hall Blaine was waiting at our table with a coffee. I had to walk past Anthony to get there, but I avoided his eyes, not wanting to see what kind of emotion was lying in them. When I got to Blaine he jumped up from his chair and threw his arms around me. I barely returned the gesture.
"Oh Kurt! I felt so terrible after our fight yesterday...I know you don't need me telling you how to live your life and hey, if you want to date Anthony then go for it." I almost cringed at the mention of Anthony but managed to stay still. Blaine didn't need to know about what had happened last night. I didn't need him to think I was any weaker than he probably already thought.
"I don't think I'll be going out with...him, again. But, thank you." Blaine raised an eyebrow at me, but after seeing the look on my face he must have decided to drop it. That was fine by me; I wanted to think about last night as little as possible.
It had been a week since what had happened with Anthony. Blaine was starting to get worried about me, I could tell, but I still couldn't feel anything. The gray tones that had surrounded the outside edges of my vision before were taking over anything. I was having trouble seeing colors; the grays seemed to be the only things that made sense anymore.
I was shaving the short stubble on my face when my hand jerked. I dropped my razor and the blade shattered, sending the sharp pieces of metal everywhere. I sunk to my knees to pick them up, wondering if the greyness would ever leave, when I sliced my finger.
Instantly colors flooded my brain, chasing out the haziness and leaving clarity in its wake. I suddenly remembered what had happened last week as well, when Anthony's ring had cut my eyebrow. I had felt the clarity then too. Was that all it took? A little cut to feel again? I had always heard about cutting and how it was bad but this couldn't be bad. How could it be bad when I felt so damn good?
I took the razor blade and rolled up my sleeve, placing the sharp edge across my wrist. I took a deep breath and pulled slowly, watching as blood pooled from the cut and OH! This was the clearest I had seen in a month! There were no grays, not fuzziness, just bright colors and clearness.
And then I was hooked.
I was cutting all the time now. So much that I was running out of room on my arms, short little lines working their way up the insides of arms. Every morning as soon as I woke up I would run to my bathroom and take out my razor. I would hold it to my arm and my fingers would start shaking with anticipation. Sometimes I got so excited I would have to put down my razor and come back later. It was most definitely the best part of each and every day.
Blaine could tell that something was up, I knew it. I saw the way his eyes looked at my arms and sometimes when he thought I wasn't looking, I would see that look of deep concern pass across his face, but I was too far in to quit now. It was like heroine, I had finally found my clarity and I wasn't going to let go of it for any reason. I placated Blaine with excuses of being too tired when I had gone too long without a cut. When he asked why I always wore my sleeves down I told him I got cold easily. I didn't even really eat anymore. The food in my stomach messed with how well I felt the clarity after a cut, so when Blaine asked why I wasn't eating...I told him I had stomach flu. I knew I was pushing it, but this was something that I wasn't willing to give up.
I was late. OH SHIT! I was really late. I ran to my bathroom and combed my hair, not really caring how it looked. I had stopped caring about appearances when I had started cutting. Speaking of which, I went to pull out my razor but my phone trilled at me. I huffed and stomped to my bedside table and saw that it was a message from Wes; he was calling a mandatory Warbler's meeting before breakfast. Whatever, it's not like I really ate anymore anyways; I could just skip this breakfast like I had all week. I looked at the time and saw that if I wanted to make the meeting I would have to leave right now. I ran out the door, temporarily forgetting about the haziness that was sure to come.
It was around lunch when I really began to notice. I could barely even function; in fact, at one point I had actually tried to put mustard on my salad. I couldn't take it anymore; I needed to get to my room, like...now. I stood up abruptly, almost knocking my chair over in the process. The Warbler's that we sitting with me, including Blaine, just stared at me. I excused myself and quickly walked towards the dorms.
If I had been careful I would have seen Blaine rising from his seat and following after me.
Stupid fucking key! It wasn't fitting in the lock and I needed to get into my room. I felt my legs give out from underneath me and I collapsed against the door, banging my fist against it weakly. I heard footsteps and then saw a pair of hazel eyes crouched down beside me.
"Kurt?" I could hear the worry in Blaine's voice, let alone see it in his eyes. "Kurt, what's wrong?"
"You have to...let me in...To my room..." My voice sounded so weak, and my hand was visibly shaking when I handed Blaine my key. Blaine snatched the key out of my hand and shoved it into the lock; his hands were shaking now too.
Finally he got the door unlocked and opened, and by that time I thought I was going to die. I wasn't thinking clearly at all. The haziness had almost taken over my brain, turning my annoying grays to shocking blacks every once in a while. Blaine picked me up and headed towards my bed. That snapped me out of the blackness pretty quickly.
"No no no. I need to go to the bathroom." I was pleading, I knew I sounded desperate but I needed this so badly. I looked up into Blaine's face and saw one triangular eyebrow arch towards the ceiling. Despite his obvious hesitance he walked over towards the bathroom. When we got over to the door of the bathroom Blaine just stood there holding me.
"Set me down...I'll be fine." Blaine's eyes were wide all of a sudden. He set me down on my feet gently and whoa...there was the dizziness. I grabbed onto Blaine's shoulder to steady myself, only letting go once I was sure I would stay upright.
"Kurt...you're so light..." Blaine whispered the words with a look of...terror maybe, in his eyes. I almost rolled my eyes. I was going to pass out; I didn't have time for this.
"I've got to go to the bathroom Blaine, I'll be right back." I walked into the bathroom quickly, stumbling a little as I swung the door shut. If I had had even a little clarity left I may have thought about locking the door behind me, but my clarity was gone, gone, gone. The only thing that mattered now was getting my little slice of heaven. I started to giggle at my clever little joke. The laughing stopped however when I saw my razor, waiting for me like always. I grabbed it off the counter where it had been left this morning, and pushed up my sleeve hastily.
I felt a little chill of anticipation run up my spine. My legs started to shake and my hands followed suit. I placed the sharp razor on my wrist and pushed it in. I sighed in relief when I saw a little pool of blood flow out of my skin. I was starting to see colors already. I was just about to drag my razor across my wrist when Blaine pounded on the door.
"Kurt! Are you alright in there?" The sudden sound shocked me, causing me to pull the razor deeper than I had intended. Blood started to rush out of my skin, flowing freely into the sink.
"I'm fine Blaine, I..." I collapsed, my knees crashing into the cupboard under the sink. I think I may have screamed out in pain, but I was kind of paying attention to the blood that was still pouring out of my arm.
I heard the door open, but, once again, couldn't bring myself to care...that is until I heard Blaine screaming.
"Kurt! What happened? Oh my God, you're bleeding, Kurt why won't you stop bleeding!" The blackness was starting to set in and wait...It wasn't supposed to be black, I was supposed to be able to see. The edges of my vision closed in more and more, but I cared less and less. Then Blaine was right in front of me, staring into my eyes. I vaguely noticed that he was speaking to me, but I couldn't understand the words being said.
"You have such pretty eyes." I whispered the words weakly, staring into beautiful hazel eyes that were looking at me with concern for some reason...then everything went black.
I woke up in a white room with tubes in my skin. I tried to grab at them but strong hands came and grabbed mine, pinning them to my side. There was shouting and bright lights and restraints and I was so scared. What was going on! I heard one voice above all the others and it brought instant calm. A deep voice, sultry and smooth, weaving its way in and out of all the others to bring...clarity. Well that was unexpected. I blacked out again after that.
I woke up again after an undeterminable amount of time, but there was that voice again, this time right beside me, talking to me.
"You could have told me...I could have helped you. God, Kurt I was such an idiot. I should have noticed when you stopped eating, I should have noticed when you started wearing your sleeves down. You know, after the ambulance took you away I saw Anthony. He was with his stupid friends and as I walked by I heard him say something about you. I hung back and just about died. Why did you tell me he did that? I've always been there for you haven't I? When did you stop trusting me...?"
I felt so terrible. All this time I had thought that I'd only been affecting me, but now I was affecting Blaine too. It was obvious that he thought I was still asleep. I felt like I could die, I had caused so much trouble. I needed to make this right.
"I never stopped trusting you..." The words came out raspy and cracked, my voice wrecked from disuse. "I stopped seeing clearly."
"Kurt! You're awake! I should go get your dad; he's just right outside..." He started to walk away but I grabbed his hand before he could get too far.
"No!" He looked startled at me outburst, but I couldn't see my dad, not yet. I didn't think I could bear the look of worry that was sure to be in his eyes. "Could you just...stay with me for a bit? I want...I need to tell someone." Blaine sat back down, seeming to know what I meant instantly
And so I told him. I told him that it all started with Karofsky. I told him about the blackness and the shades of gray that had taken over my life. I told him about what had happened with Anthony and how everything had gotten so much worse after that. I could see Blaine clenching his eyes shut but I kept barrelling on, this wasn't for him so much as it was for me. I told him about how the cutting had made the grays go away, about how much I craved to see in color, about how, after a while, I just couldn't stop myself anymore.
I ended my story in tears saying the same word over and over again. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."
Blaine just wrapped his arms around my tiny frame and held me. It felt like he was holding me together, preventing me from completely falling apart. It felt...nice. And there was the clarity again. I just about shook right out of Blaine's arms.
"Kurt what's wrong?" Blaine's voice was tinged with alarm. I smiled for what felt like the first time in years. I reached up one bony hand and placed it on his cheek, gazing into his eyes and trying to count the gold flecks in them.
"Nothing, did you know you make the greyness go away too?" Blaine's head tilted to the side, a look of obvious wonder on his face. I chuckled to myself, feeling my body start to shut down from exhaustion again. "Wish I would have figured that out earlier." And I fell into blackness again, but this time I welcomed it.
A week went by before I was allowed to leave the hospital. Apparently they were keeping me under suicide watch, which I rolled my eyes at. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to see. I hadn't had to ask Blaine to come back to the hospital. When I had told him that he made the gray's go away he started to show up every day without fail. I felt myself starting to feel again, and it felt good.
The talk with my dad was something I had been dreading, but it happened nonetheless. There was crying and shouted questions and angry replies and words that were said but not meant. But us Hummel's always stuck together, and we figured it out. I would go see a therapist for a while, just until we got this figured out for good. Finn and I became closer throughout the whole ordeal. He had been so angry at me that I hadn't told him what was happening. He assured me that the words he said to me at the wedding were true and that I could come to him with anything. It warmed my heart to know that I had a true brother.
And now I was standing in my dorm room, getting ready to go out for coffee with Blaine. We had been spending a lot more time together, going out to coffee and movies, but we weren't dating. Just two friends having fun. I'm pretty sure he knew how I felt about him though, how could he not? I pretty much told him that I needed him to live, and even though he hadn't done anything about it I wasn't too concerned. We would talk about it when the time came.
I went to my bathroom and opened the drawer. I saw my little razor sitting there. No, I hadn't thrown it out; it wasn't something I wanted to forget. I didn't want to ignore and bury the intense pain I had been in. So there my little razor sat, unused, right beside my bottle of antidepressant pills. My therapist had said that I had to take one every morning until I could wake up without the grays clouding my vision, so for the mean time I was taking pills.
A heard a soft knock at me door. I popped the pill I had taken out into my mouth, swallowing quickly. I opened the door with a bright smile.
"Hey Blaine!" Blaine just smiled back, holding something behind his back.
"Hey Kurt, do you mind if I come in for a bit before we go?" I looked at his with amused interest. What could he be doing? I moved aside, giving him passage into my room.
"Can we go sit on your bed?" I chuckled to myself, this kid was so weird.
"Of course, Blaine. You know you don't have to ask." I sat on my bed with Blaine coming to sit beside me, both of us turning to face one another. He took out what was behind his back and I would have laughed the look on Blaine's face didn't call for laughing.
"I was wondering if I could show you something..." I just smiled and nodded, staring into those gorgeous hazel eyes, waiting for him to start.
He started to play the opening chords and I immediately recognized the song. Blaine heard my gasp and chose to ignore it or was oblivious. He started to sing the words that I knew so well.
Love of mine someday you will die.
But I'll be close behind,
I'll follow you into the dark.
I was swaying to the music, my eyes closed in my efforts to just listen to the music.
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NO'S on their vacancy signs
Blaine's voice surrounded me, making me fell warm inside and safe, so safe. I never wanted to leave this room.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Song fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
Tears were starting to form in the corners of my eyes. This song, of course Blaine would pick this song. I hadn't even told Blaine, but this was the song that I would listen to on repeat those few horrible weeks when I had been lost in the blackness. All I had wanted was to see, all I had wanted was for someone to say they knew how I felt, or at they were there for me.
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NO'S on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
I was almost sobbing by now, but Blaine didn't look like he was going to stop. He looked as if he needed to get this out. He kept strumming and singing, his voice sending shivers up my spine.
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
"Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
Blaine hit the higher note perfectly, his voice softening so much that it felt like a caress, his eyes glued to me. The song was coming to a close and I found myself wishing that it would never end, that this would never end. If I could just keep Blaine here for forever I would never be sad again.
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NO'S on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Blaine's hands stilled on his guitar, the only sound in the room was the sound of our breathing. I was still crying a little, but the tears were subsiding. Blaine, however, was the first to speak.
"Kurt, what I just was true. I feel horrible that I didn't notice when you started to fall into the dark. I should have known." I tried to interrupt him but he just held up his hand. "Let me finish." He took a deep breath and started to talk once more. "I've known that you were special from the moment I saw you on that staircase, and after that you just kept proving it to me. You're strong, Kurt. And the fact that someone made you feel otherwise makes me want to kill that someone." His voice was getting harsher, like he was crying, but no tears were forming in his eyes.
"This is my promise to you, Kurt, that no matter how bad it gets I'll always be there for you. I want you to be able to tell me everything, no matter how bad. This is me saying that I'll follow you Kurt; I'll always be with you, if that's what you want. This is me telling you that...I love you Kurt Hummel."
Blaine finally broke eye contact, choosing to stare at the bed instead. My breathing stuttered. I hadn't been expecting that...at all. The boy I was in love with had just told me he loved me! I opened and closed my mouth, grasping for something to say. The words came to me a moment later and I smiled.
I grabbed Blaine's chin gently and brought his head up so that his eyes could meet mine. I leaned in closely so that I would be whispering right in his ear.
"And I'll follow you into the dark." I pulled my head back and looked at Blaine's face, wanting to see his reaction. His eyes opened widely in shock then a smile settled on his face. We leaned closer and closer until our lips were almost meeting.
"I love you, too." I breathed, and our lips met, exploding the area around us in the brightest of blues and purples, yellows winding their way around us. And in that moment I knew, everything was going to be fine; I had someone that would chase the darkness.
[A/N]: So...I am not gonna lie I freaking love this little one-shot! And I think that's the most important thing as a writer, because if I don't like it, how do I expect anyone else to like it? Anyways I heard this song playing in a movie I went to last night, Friends With Benefits, and after I heard it I couldn't even focus on the movie anymore...This little ficlet just took over my entire brain. So I got home and started writing and fell asleep at 3AM! I woke up and started writing all over again and I haven't stopped once yet :) but I'm sure y'all don't want to hear my babbling so I'll let you all go on reading. Just so we're clear there, I am thinking about writing a little epilougue and maybe some parts in Blaine's point of view...so stick around for that! As always you can mind me on Tumblr at forevermusically. tumblr. com (remove the spaces)...and yeah... I LOVE YOU ALL!
XOXO
DOTCI :)