Title: Sirius is not on drugs. He's not. Seriously.
Summary: Remus gets a strange phone call. Crack fic. Muggle Au. Rated T just in case.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter; that right goes to the lovely J.K. Rowling.
Lupin Residence. Tuesday 16th July, 4:00 pm
*bringg... bringg... bringgg*
"Remus dear could you get that?" Mrs. Lupin called from the kitchen.
"Sure mum," he replied, sticking a clean chocolate wrapper in his book to mark the place.
"Lupin residence, Remus speaking," he answered. There was silence. "Hello?" he said. Still more silence. He was slightly peeved that he'd been pulled away from his book for this and was about to hang up when a cough came from the other side.
"H..hi Remus," came a voice. He didn't recognise the owner though the voice was vaguely familiar.
"Hello. May I ask who is speaking?" he replied.
"Um. It's Sirius. Sirius Black. Not sure if you remember me, we met at Lily's 17th birthday party?" the man replied hesitantly.
"Ah, right. Sirius. What can I do for you," Remus replied, wondering if Lily gave some random guy his number. But he knew Lily wasn't like that, she was a good friend, she would have asked him first. Besides, if she did, why would she give his house phone number rather than his cell? And that was almost a year ago too, why was he calling now? The name Sirius was familiar, but he couldn't really recall more than that.
Remus's mind was working on overdrive but he was brought out of his thoughts by something sounding suspiciously like a pig squeal in the background.
A nervous chuckle came over the receiver as Sirius stammered out, "S..sorry about that, my, uh, my cat is sick."
"Your cat?" Remus said incredulously.
"Well, technically my brother's cat. Stupid Kreacher," he muttered, "Dogs are way better. Like mine."
Had he just called the cat a stupid creature? Remus frowned, "Now that's not nice. It can't help being sick, no need to call it a stupid creature, even if you do like your dog better."
"Oh, no not creature, but Kreacher. That's his name. And he really is stupid, I mean, he hates me. Nobody with any sense hates me! I'm wonderful!" Sirius announced.
"Right," Remus deadpanned, "Well Mr. Wonderful, you still haven't informed me of your purpose for calling."
Sirius laughed nervously again, "About that..." He trailed off.
Remus sighed, "Yes?"
"What do you think about unicorns?" Sirius said abruptly, his manner changing from nervous to slightly manic sounding.
"Unicorns?" Remus, was utterly confused, "I guess unicorns are okay?"
"Great! Glad you think so! Now what do you think about werewolves?" Sirius said, his pitch rising slightly.
"Werewolves? They're dangerous," Remus replied, not knowing why he was going along with this weird conversation.
"What? Werewolves are not dangerous! They're awesome!" ranted Sirius.
"I mean, I guess they can be both?" replied a puzzled Remus.
"You're darn right they can!" said Sirius enthusiastically.
"Now what does this have to do with your purpose for calling?" Remus asked, amused but still waiting on an answer.
Sirius coughed, "Well you see, there's this play."
"A play? You're putting on a play?" Remus enquired. Remus loved plays. Maybe Lily had sent Sirius to him for advice. He did know a lot about plays though he hadn't ever written one.
"Ye...I mean NO. I'm uh writing! That's right, I'm writing a play," he said, sounding pleased with himself.
"Well that's a noble goal. Does it have a name yet?" Remus said, slightly intrigued.
"Um...yes, it's called...uh... Unicorneo and Werewolfette!" he proclaimed.
Before Remus could say anything he heard what sounded like violent wheezing/choking.
"Damn cat! Shoo!" Sirius said, sounding irritated.
"Um, Sirius, are you sure your cat is okay? I mean it's starting to sound really bad, maybe you should take it to the vet?" Remus said, concerned.
"No no, it's just uh, coughing up a hairball," Sirius said, brushing away his concerns.
"Uh, okay then," Remus replied, starting to feel that this conversation was entirely too strange.
"Just ignore the cat and everything shall be fine young grasshopper," Sirius said sagely.
"Riiiiight. So, about Unicorneo and Werewolfette..." Remus started.
"Yes! As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted by the idiotic cat," he hissed cat like it was the gravest insult, "My play is going to be amazing." Remus could practically see him dramatically turning his nose up, even though he hadn't the faintest idea what Sirius looked like.
"I'm sure it is," Remus drawled, "Romeo and Juliet, magical beast style, should be interesting."
Sirius gasped, affronted, "Romeo and Juliette? You insult me my dear Remus!"
"Is that not what it's based on?" Remus asked.
"Why certainly not! I would never copy old Will! This is 100% Sirius Black material," he stated, sniffing in what he presumed was a dignified manner.
"I see. And what is the play about then?" Remus said, raising an eyebrow in disbelief.
"It's about...uh...a bank robbery! Yes, a bank robbery that goes wrong when Werewolfette stops to buy a steak with the stolen money two days later," Sirius said, the manic edge returning to his voice as he started to ramble on, "Unicorneo is the cop that catches her, but ends up falling in love with her when she bites him for trying to take away her steak. They go on an epic adventure cross country with a hamburger loving hippogriff. Finally Dracula, the police chief, catches them and kills Unicorneo for his treason against the Fairy Queen by stabbing him in the neck with his fangs and drinking all his blood, leaving Werewolfette so depressed she buys poison from a rat called Wormtail and eats it and dies in the arms of the dead Unicorneo." Sirius, who had said all of this in one breath, was now breathing heavily.
Remus was speechless. His jaw had dropped steadily lower during Sirius's impassioned rant about his play.
"Remus? You still there?" Sirius asked after a few moments of silence.
Remus let out a strangled 'yes'. He didn't know how to respond to that. It was certainly...something. In the end he collected himself and just ended up saying, "I hate to break it to you buddy but, that sounds pretty much like an interpretation of Romeo and Juliette."
"No it can't be!" Sirius gasped dramatically, "Tell me how!"
"Uh two people on opposite sides of the law who should be enemies end up falling in love and then dying in each other's arms. Not exactly Romeo and Juliette but the inspiration can be seen if you squint," he said, "Plus...the name is a dead giveaway really."
"Nooooooooooo!" Sirius groaned, "My life's work! Ruined! I shall write nevermore! Goodbye Unicorneo! Goodbye Werewolfette! You shall be banished to the veil of no return!"
Sirius, Remus thought, would make a good actor.
"Now is that really necessary?" Remus said, trying to calm down his dramatic conversation partner, "It sounds...interesting. You could still publish it as a reinterpretation." Who was he to judge if the dude had an active imagination?
"I shall not! It's a disgrace! It's only fit for the bin now my Loopy friend," Sirius wailed.
"Loopy?" Remus said, befuddled.
"Yes, Loony Loopy Lupin. It has a nice ring to it doesn't it?" Sirius said, with surprising cheer for someone who'd just been wailing about his life's work being destroyed.
"Um, we shall have to agree to disagree," Remus remarked lightly.
"Fine. But I'm telling you, it's genius!" he could imagine Sirius's grin.
"Whatever floats your boat," Remus sighed.
"I think you mean, whatever floats my goat," Sirius said jovially.
"Your goat?" he said, wondering if he'd heard wrong. Remus felt that his eyebrows would be permanently stuck in his hairline by the time this conversation was over.
"Yes, my goat," Sirius said, "His name is Prongs." Sirius grunted suddenly.
"Are you okay? What happened?" Remus asked, worried, but also wondering how many pets Sirius owned.
"I'm fine," Sirius sounded winded, "I just stubbed my toe."
"Right...your toe..." Remus said, starting to suspect something was off about Sirius.
"Yes, my toe. So, Remus old buddy old pal, how's it going?" Sirius said, deflecting any more talk about his toe.
"How is what going?" Remus said.
"You. How are you?" Sirius asked.
"I'm...starting to question my sanity," he mumbled.
"Oh no but you mustn't! You're just sane as I am! Sanity is like the moon. It's always up there in the sky reflecting sunlight for us mere mortals to have light in the darkness of the night. And like the moon, sanity guides us through the confusing darkness of our minds," Sirius said, stroking his non-existent beard contemplatively. Then suddenly, snapping his fingers, he expounded, "I know! We can call you Moony. It fits you so well. You're the moon of my life! Sane to my in! Water to my goat!"
"I take it back," Remus said quickly, "I'm starting to question your sanity."
On her way out of the kitchen, Mrs. Lupin spotted Remus still on the phone. "Oh hey honey didn't realise you'd still be on the phone, must be that girlfriend of yours, Lily was it?" she said, moving to the dining room before he could reply.
Remus rolled his eyes and called after her "No mum, it's not Lily." He didn't bother explaining to her for the millionth time that he and Lily were just friends, she'd think what she liked anyway. To be fair to her he did exclusively hang out with Lily. She wasn't just his good friend, she was his only friend. Well, that didn't sound pathetic at all.
Remus heard a loud yelp over the phone, which drew his mind back to the conversation.
"Oh sorry, ignore that. That's my dog Snuffles. He doesn't get along very well with Kreacher," Sirius said sheepishly.
"Well such is the way with cats and dogs," said Remus, though he didn't really know since he'd never had any pets.
"Indeed it is, though Snuffles is right not to like that disease ridden cat," Sirius grumbled.
Remus stifled a laugh at Sirius's irritation, glancing at the clock as he did so. It was 5 pm already. Where had the time gone? He had never spent so long on the phone before.
"Anyway," he said, turning his attention back to the phone, "I think you should go break up your pets before they kill one another. That yelp sounded painful. Besides, I have to go now, it's time for dinner." He had thoroughly wasted the past hour on a random, if amusing, conversation with Sirius, whose original purpose for calling he still wasn't quite clear on.
"What, already?" Sirius replied, aghast. He was actually enjoying the conversation, having forgotten why he originally called Remus in the first place.
He thought about it and asked hesitantly, "Well...can I call back tomorrow then?"
"Sure I guess. Same time then," Remus said, shrugging to himself. Not like he had much else to do.
"Yes! Okay tomorrow then," said Sirius. And Remus shook his head, wondering what he'd gotten himself into. There was only one thing left to say though, before he hung up. He smirked slightly.
"Oh and Sirius?"
"Yeah?"
"Lay off the drugs."
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Potter Residence. Tuesday 16th July, 5:00 pm
There was an almost deafening silence. Then it was broken by twin bursts of laughter.
Sirius just stared dumbfounded at the phone while James and Peter rolled around on the living room floor.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA we should make Lupin a marauder for that. Pads you should see the look on your face," James said, wiping away a tear of mirth.
Sirius threw a pillow that hit James squarely in the face, skewing his glasses.
"Hey!" James cried.
"What? You were being a git. And they are called throw pillows after all, Mrs. P. said so herself," Sirius huffed.
"Now James, don't be mean to Sirius can't you see he needs some support," Peter said, holding back a grin.
"Yeah, see James. That's what real friends do. They support you!" Sirius said.
"Exactly. Now Sirius, would you like some Aloe Vera?" Peter asked, the picture of concern.
"Aloe Vera? Why would I need Aloe Vera?" Sirius asked confused.
Peter couldn't control his grin this time, "Because you just got burned."
(A/N by Remus not James XD)
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Reviews give Sirius motivation to stay away from drugs.
Sirius: "Hey, I am not on drugs!"
Remus: "Suuuure you aren't Padfoot."