Warnings: male/male slashy goodness, sensetive topic,
Pairings: KURT/FINN (THE OTP of gLee)
Title: Courage
Author: Kisseso.O
Summary:When Kurt takes what Sue said to heart he starts spiralling out of control. Can any one save him from himself before it's too late. SLASH!
Author Note: SORRY FOR ALL THE MISTAKE LIKE THINGS I DONT HAVE A SPELL CHECK AHHHHHHHHHHH!
~*~
KurtPOV
I turn a little getting a new angle in the mirror, nope still huge. What Sue said to me really hit home, I dieted I ate healthy, but my hips just wouldn't cooperate.
'You could stand to lose a few pounds to. You got hips like pears.'
I pinched my side, at least an inch between my fingers, gross. I couldn't even think how much this was ruining my perfect look, I had to lose this get this fat off, a heavier diet, more exercise. How could Finn find me at all attractive looking like this I'd never know. He would never like me, even if we are the only gay guys in ALL of Lima, besides that old creepy guy on West St.
I weighed myself an left the boys locker room, thank god for wrestling I don't know how I would keep myself up without the scale. 130lbs. how could I let myself get so disgusting? It's probably from all those late night trips to the 7/11, those HAVE to stop. I'm going full out on this buying weight watchers and everything.
Starting now I'm becoming a better, less pear-like me. End. Of. Story.
It's been a week since I last weighed myself, as I step on the scale I start to feel nervous, what if I hadn't lost any weight, what if I'd gained some? The thought sent me into shudders, 128 I'd lost two pounds and for some reason that made me elated, those two pounds were a sign of my control, my self-worth, I could control myself enough.
I stepped off of the scale and looked at myself in the mirror, I looked the same. With fear I lifted my shirt and once again pinched at my side, still at least an inch of fat. What had happened? All the self-accomplishment I had felt drained away, I'm still a pear. Why , I had followed those stupid weight watchers to a T and nothing happened.
'Those are for old women whose only reason for losing weight is so they don't die of obessity, two pounds is amazing to them. They don't have to look attractive, they're old, they have husbands. But you do have to look attractive, you're in High School, you're a Cheerio, and right now you're a disgusting, fat mess."
I knew these thoughts were right, but I'd still follow weight watchers, a little I would just cut my intake in half, instead of a thousand only five hundred. That would work, and no more of Dad's casserole, to much margerine, and work twice as hard at my practices, Football-I'd run with the Running Backs, Cheerios-No breaks, and I do everything with weight loss and calorie burning in mind, Glee- Absolutly nothing but water, and dance just as hard as in Cheerios. That would help, and I'd start walking to school instead of driving, that would give me another two miles.
'This is going to work.' I thought to myself. As I turn to leave I make one last look at the mirror. 'You know I could stand to lose some off of my butt to, and my legs are jiggling like no other...this diet thing might help with more then just my hips. I look disgusting, I hope my new plan works I don't want Finn to see me like this constantly.'
As I walk back into the boys locker room another week later, I felt good, I had walked everywhere this week, eaten healthy and even did 500 sit-ups almost everynight, all my goals had been completed.
I had even gotten a complement from Mercedes that I looked really good, that felt great.
I set all my bags on the bench and turn to look at my progress, but before I step on the scale I caught my reflection in the mirror OH MAH GAWD! I looked even bigger then last week, my thighs were the size of Apollo Ohno's and not in the muscular way in the 'take one step and I jiggle a foot' kind of way. I reached down a shook my leg, I went everywhere. My hips, they'd gotten even bigger too, my cheeks even rounder then they used to be, as I did a full turn I realized, I must have gained, 10 pounds this week, my metabolism must have shut down or something.
I couldn't even stand to get on the scale for fear of reading my own failure. I'd just have to up it another notch, I'd buy some of those over the counter diet pills, cut my calories again, and run home, not walk. Everything had to be uped, I have to try harder I have to be attractive. This thing I was, was disgusting. How could anyone say I looked at all good like this, obviously Mercedes was just being nice trying to make me feel good even though I looked terible.
All week all I could think about was, 'How many calories are in this? Too many, Do I really need to eat this? No. Could I have worked harder at practice? Yes. What did I eat today? Too much. I need to control myself more.'
As I walked back into the locker room on Friday all I could think about were my failures of the week, I'd eaten 10 too many calories on Saturday. But I had one major sucess on Wednesday, I realized I could go the WHOLE day with out eating and as I lay in bed that night I asked myself 'One day, why not two?' that was my goal for next week. Yesterday I had lunch with Mercedes she kept asking me why all I was eating was Celery and Splenda, 'Because I'm Ugly and Fat.' Was all I could think to myself, of course that wasdn't my answer to her girl rule number 23 If a friend says they're fat deny, deny, deny, no matter how true it is.
I made sure to not look in the mirror so that I could have the courage to get on the scales this week, I knew I had improved I didn't want my hideous figure to stop me from feeling that elated feeling I had that first week. Step up on the scale nervous, 115lbs. I had lost 13 pounds since the last time I had steped on the scale I couldn't believe it I was jumping for joy. Then I looked in the mirror chancing it hoping to see some improvement. None whatsoever, I still had thunder-thighs, my hips still pear shaped, and my butt was still huge, I stepped closer looking for some small improvement when i saw it, my cheeks had gotten just the slightest bit thinner. This made me happy as I picked up my stuff and walked out of the locker room a little bounce to my step, but just a little I didn't want to jiggle all over everyone.
The week following felt like a week of sucess I went THREE days without eating Saturday, Sunday and Monday, of course I had to start making excuses when Lunch came, I just told everyone I wasn't feeling well, or ate a big breakfast, lucky my stomach didn't growl while anyone was around.
By Friday i felt great, even though all week people asked why I ate so little, I gave them the same answers as earlier in the week. Also my working out had been paying off I could hold notes for much longer them before in Glee.
The only downside to the seemingly perfect day was that in the middle of practice, Finn interupted everyone to ask Mr. Shcu if he could sing a song really quick, which wouldn't have mattered had he been the one to actually sing it instead, he and Rach-Hell ,yes I gave her a new nickname, sang some sappy love song that she coaxed him into for regionals, if I hadn't known he had come out as gay I could have sworn they were dating lucky for me I knew.
After Glee I walked back into the boys locker room to weigh myself, I had already learned, not to look in the mirror so I kept my eyes diverted until I was on the scale, 114lbs. Just one pound this week, I felt great i was making improvement.
It didn't feel as good as my previous successes, but it was still a success even if as I looked the mirror there were still no visible changes of my person, this WOULD work, eventually but to speed up the process I would just have to help it along, running more. Maybe a gym membership would be a good investment, there was a 24 hour gym around the corner of my house, yeah that would work, and I would take twice as many diet pills as before, and even though it had never crossed my mind before, maybe getting the food I did eat out before I could digest it all would be an even better idea, yeah now one would think of that I wouldjust go to the bathroom during class, and use breath mints a lot.
If the week before people had been complementing me this week was the exact opposite, everyone just stared at me with disgust, 'Probably because your soooo fat.' was the answer my mind gave to me, of course I could do nothing but agreed because of the monstrosity I saw in the mirror that was my reflection each morning. Though I did start to realize my usually tight pants had become much looser, which was a sign, even if a non-visible one.
I joined the gym, and each time my stomach woke me up over night or I started to feel hungry, I would jog over there and run a couple miles to work off the hungry inside me. Eventually my stomach stoped growling all together.
I could go a total of three days without eating, I tried four but it didn't work I didn't have enough willpower. But that was okay because my eat and gag deal had been working perfectly expecially when my dad sat me down and made me eat an entire steak, which was disgusting and probably pure fat, which had become my greatest enemy, I just told him I was tired and went downstairs to get rid of the abominable fiend that had currently resided in my stomach. At the end of that week I had lost two pounds, even though I had eaten that devil like thing.
And over the next month and a half people kept making me eat things like that and each week I would lose only two or three pounds but at the end of week eleven of my diet I realized I was at 97lbs. I could feel my chest swell with pride in just under three months I had lost over thirty pounds...I couldn't wait to look in the mirror which I hadn't done for three or four weeks because someone had walked in the door each time...My smile quickly dropped as I saw myself, almost no change, how could this be? I had lost 30 pounds! I should be beautiful but I look the same! Why isn't this working!
Not only that but other things were deepleating as well, I couldn't hold notes barely at all anymore, expecially after dancing, I had to push myself to keep going when I run and I got really short of breath easily, I was tired all the time, I just wasn't use to this much exercise, I thought I could just keep working and it would get easier.
My hair didn't seem nearly as lustrious as usual either, and at one point I found some on my pillow but I figure it was my dads he liked to watch movies in my room when I was out and he IS balding, so I shook it off.
~*~
Monday the next week Mr. Schu called a Glee meeting for a new dance routine he had thought up. When I walked in everyone gave me this piting look, probably because I was so huge and pear-like, mostly Mr, Schu and Finn though. The dance routine was to Crashed the Wedding by Busted, which was a rather fast song. Before we could start practicing Finn, that gorgeous man chunck, interupted again, for permission to do another song, which he once again didn't sing instead he just said:
"This is about someone really important to me, well all of us. Whose been scaring me and I want them to know that they could ask for help at any time but the key is to high for me so I asked Quinn to ing it for me, but remember it comes from my heart remember that." The entire time he had looked me in the eyes as though I was the one with the problem
Quinn walked up there in all her eight and three fourths months glory, and the music started, and she broke in I had to admit her voice was beautiful as she sang the lyrics:
I told another lie today And I got through this day No one saw through my games I know the right words to say Like "I don't feel well"
"I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look and for a moment For a moment I am happy But when I'm alone No one hears me cry
I need you to know I'm not through the night Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light I need you to know That we'll be okay Together we can make it through another day
I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful The day I chose not to eat What I do know is how I changed my life forever I know I should know better There are days when I'm okay And for a moment For a moment I find hope But there are days when I'm not okay And I need your help So I'm letting go
I need you to know I'm not through the night Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light I need you to know That we'll be okay Together we can make it through another day
You should know you're not on your own These secrets are walls that keep us alone I don't know when but I know now Together we'll make it through somehow Together we'll make it through somehow
I need you to know I'm not through the night Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light I need you to know That we'll be okay Together we can make it through another day
By the end I knew it was about me, those were the excuses I gave them but I didn't have aproblem I wasn't in any dark situation so I ignored it and turned to Mr. Schu and asked him 'Can we learn this dance number now?" Everyone was looking at me with pity again, there eyes boring into me. Mr Schu just sighed before answering "Yeah lets go."
We had gotten about half way thru the number when I started to feel faint, and I passed out luckily I had fallen on Finn, which I didn't know until I woke up and saw him above me with a pained look on him face, probably because I had smushed him with my fat ass. So i quickly jumped up off of him apologising.
"Oh my gosh Finn I'm sooo sorry i probably just crushed you. I soo sooo soooooo sorry, did I hurt you?"
He inturupted me. "No you don't weigh anything, at all. Kurt are you sure you're okay?" He asked worried and concerned.
"Yeah why wouldn't I be I feel great," Well I did except my heart wouldn't stop beating so fast, which is probably because Finn was so close to me, I thought I had gotten used to his closness, when we did our ballads, or when he came out to god now it's starting to hurt a little, I collapsed onto the floor breathing heavily in short shallow breaths all I could think was 'What the hell is happening?' before I blacked out.
When I woke up the first thing I heard was an unsteady beeping noise, where was I? I opened my eyes to a bindingly white room, a hospital, why was I here did something happen when I passed out. I was just a little tired.
I look over to see Finn sitting in a chair next to me lying his head on the bead holding my hand for dea life. I didn't want to wake him up but I had to get answers.
I tried to reach both hands over but something was blocking me. and IV I had volunteered at hopitals enough to know this was pretty much just to put calories in people andcsometimes sedatives, I had to get it out it would ruin my diet, I let go of Finn's hand to pull it out but before I could tug at it I felt a strong hand on mine.
"No Kurt, you have to keep this in, it's keeping you alive." The now awake Finn said.
"But it's going to ruin my diet!" I cried
"Kurt you HAVE to keep it in, until the doctor says at least, you really scared us in the auditorium on Monday, We've been worried sick for days...I-I thought I was going to lose you."
A thought came to my mind. "What day is it?"
"Thurday, you've been out for nearly four days. The doctor says we were lucky we got you here so fast, mostly because I picked you up and ran then Artie got us a hadicapped spot with a tag he carries around. He said you would have di-died if it had gone any longer. Kurt you have to stop."
'Stop what nothing is wrong with me besides the fact that I'm fat, and unattractive, and I jiggle all over the place. this thing is going to ruin everything I worked for Finn. Please don't do this to me. I don't want to be a huge jiggling mass again." My eyes started to tear up.
"Kurt, the doc told me to wait until he was here to tell you this but you need to hear it. You've been diagnosed with Anorexia...your so tinny that your body can't function anymore. Kurt if you don't start eating you're going to DIE."
"You're lieing I'm disgusting and huge, and I can't stand to look at myself in a mirror , I take up the entire hallway in school, people have to get out of my so I can walk by there isn't enough room for them!"
" No Kurt they get out of the way because they're afraid you'll break if they touch you. Don't you get it? We all love you and your hurting yourself." Before I realized it he had hit the nurse call button and a woman walked in with the doctor, Finn had mentoned.
"Sorry Doc I kind of already told him, he was trying to take out the IV."
"It's okay son, Wanda will you go get me the mirrors please?" the nurse nodded and walked out "Now Kurt do you know what a BMI is?" I nodded "Well here let me show you he grabbed a chart sitting next to my bed, "this is what weight you should be at," he pointed to a green zone that said healthy BMI I noticed my original weight was in that area, 'and this is whee you are." he pointed to an area that was so red it looked kind of like our school football jerseys."It means you are dangerously close to killing youself Kurt, for being so far under weight."
I just nodded my head thinking 'liar.' I knew I was fat no need for him to deny it.
Just then the nurse came in to the two mirrors. The doctor held them up to my face and told me. "Kurt one of these is a fun house mirror the kind that make you look different and one is real now which one is the fake." I pointed to the one that made me look skinny, I was no where near that small.
"That one. No way am I that small." I said with all the confidince. The Doctor shook his head
"No Kurt that's the real you, that small and that sickly." I grabbed the mirror from him. 'But this person was so small his cheekbones were popping out , his collarbone looked like it could stab someone in the eyes, and as I touched my cheek so did the boy in the mirror with his sickly skinny hand and wrist...this WAS my reflection. how did I get like this.?' The tears came pouring out and Finn grabbed me around the shoulder so very gently, afraid I would break in half. As I was bawling the doctor left with the mirrors and the rest of the Glee club came in, jazz band and everything. The only Cheerios there though were Santana and Brittany. None of them cared enough
"Where's Quinn?" I asked when I saw she wasn't there.
"She went into labor an hour ago, she was woried about you, and the baby was close enough to due date that well, she's giving birth as we speak."
"Oh, I'm sorry I've been soo crazy you guys."
"Kurt, hunny it's okay just get better you here me we need you white boy." Merecedes smiled at me, she always made me smile, especially when her eyes panned over to Finn whose ars were still rapped around me and wiggled her eyebrows I laughed the first real laugh in at least a month.
"But right now we want to give you something.' Finn said his arms unrapping from around me as the jazz band started playing Eye of the tiger, and I quickly relized I was a Mash-up of Finn's own personal favorites, the previously stated and you're the best around from the Karate Kid, cheesy but all in all I loved it cause it was soooo them.
"So are you gunna, you know? Get treated?" Finn asked uncertainly.
"Yeah and I'll be back by regionals, but I'm goin to need somebody to teach me the dances and songs. I looked at finn pointedly, He just nodded and said "I'll bring a DVD because I'll need the practice anyway." We all laughed at the sad but true fact that I would still learn it faster.
The next day most of the group was gone except for Finn and my dad who had closed shop for the week, which hasn't happened not since my mom died. At around noon, after my dad left to get himself some lunch, I got a surprise visitor, Quinn, she'd had her daughter at about seven the previous day and was finally able to bring him down to see me. Luckily her and Noah had chosen to keep her she was adorable.
"Kurt meet, Audrey Kurtrina Purkerman-Fabray. Kurtrina spelled with a 'U' as a sort of honor to her godfather." My mouth gaped open.
"G-Godfather?" I Stuttered out, she nodded "Can I hold her?" When she was safely in my arms I pulled her close to me and whispered. "I'm going to get better so some day i can be the best Godfather ever and I can spoil you rottten ." I started to tear up, and little Audrey started to cry.
"Oh she's probably hungary. We better go anyway" Puck wheeled them both out the door.
"So Finn when do you plan on showering anyway you smell."
"Well sooory for being so worried I didn't want to go hme."
"It's okay I guess you dont smell THAT bad." I winked at him and let out a small laugh.
"Kurt, promise me you'll get better, that you'll get out of here, you mean way to much to me, to all of the glee club to die like this."
I bowed my head "I know I just wanted to feel beautiful. Especially after the comment Sue made about my pear like hips, I just wanted to look attactive." I sighed at the memory that had caused all of this.
"Sue, cause all of this?" I nodded "Well you didn't have to listen to her, you always looked so great to me. I don't know what pear shaped hips looked like but I guess I liked them, because I thought you looked adorable, and beautiful, and kind of sexy before, you know, this."
I looked at him in surprise. "Really?" This time it was his turn to nod.
"And I promise the day you get out of here, I'm going to take you out and night on the town, pizza and a movie, and ice cream to end it off. Hows that sound?"
"Well right now it sounds like a ton of fat and useless calories but that's why I'm here and I'm going to work on it, so we can do all that and more, but I'll be in here a while, do you think you can wait and not get bored of me?" He just nodded.
Finn kept his promise, he visited me every day, and each day he would tell me I was more beautifuler then the day before because I was a day healthier then before, I didn't have the heart to tell him Beautifuler isn't a word. But he is so sweet about it, all the girl on the recovery floor with me are jealous, but they don't care because they get free musicals everytime the Glee club visits, or me and Finn are working on a dance.
Four months later, the day I got out, May 16th, Finn kept his promise we went out saw movies ate piza and ice cream and took a walk around the park, and not once did I think about the calories because I was having to much fun and I was around someone I loved.
~*~ It's been over three years since I was admitted to the hospital I'm now a junior at Chicago University of the Arts, most of the glee club goes to this school, except Rachel whose on Broadway, I get to see my Goddaughter all the time and I spoil her constantly. Me and Finn are still going strong, and right now I'm one of three with a diamond ring on my hand, mine was my mothers, Finn got it from my father on one of their outings. It's the holidays and these are the times it's the hardest and my old habits come backthe most, but when Finn walks in with a Little girl on one arm and food in the other no one can resist, well no one I've met any way.
"Hey babe how you doing?" He asked, kissing me quickly, knowing how hard it is at this time. "Do you want some cake it's your favorite?"
"Struggling but you're here to help, can I see the picture?" He nodded and pulled out a wallet picture of me in the hospital. "I'd love some cake." Just seeing it helps, because I am never going back to that, I'm never going to hurt my friends and family that much ever again. Because you never know who might need you some day, like me. Next week me and Finn are adopting a baby boy and naming him Carlyle Quinton Huson-Hummel, in honor of his godmother. Me and Quinn are already planning the wedding between him and Audrey.