A/N Hello. It's hidoineko here. This is my christmas present to my bestfriend Auringonlasku. And my first time trying to write this pairing, so if there's something wrong with it, please let me know. And I hope you enjoy. If you don't know which one is talking, here's the hint: Gakuto is this and Yuushi is this. If the text doesn't show bold or italics, then Gakuto is the one who speaks first and then Yuushi.

First day of this month. 26th guy this year.

It still makes me feel nothing. I thought that being with many guys, this pain in me would stop when I see you.

But it won't.

It just makes it more painful. But why? I want it to stop.

Please, make it stop. I feel guilty when I'm with those guys.

Letting them touch me, making me come.

Sure, I have done that with girls too, but they don't give me the same feelings of pleasure than guys. And when I talk to you, I feel the happiest person in the world. But also guilty, because I'm lying to you.

I feel like I don't have the right to love you. I feel I can do anything when you smile.

And I hate myself. I hate myself because I have never in my life told anyone what I'm doing every night and where. I hate myself because I can't stop doing it. I hate myself because I'm lying. I hate myself because you believe me. I hate myself because I have fallen in love with my best friend. I hate myself because I love you. Yuushi, I love you. So much that it hurts.

Last day of this month.

Your 55th guy this year.

You think I don't know. Trust me. I know. I know everything about you.

Your hobbies, your favourite colour, your family, everything.

And that's because I keep following you sometimes.

You're important to me. Not just because we're doubles partners or best friends. I know you're more important. I just have to protect you from anything and that I should make you smile. I want you to be happy.

I would ask you about this little hobby of yours, but you would just lie to me, saying you don't know what I'm talking about, even if I do know.

But I can't just say out loud that I know what you're doing.

I'm afraid of your reaction.

What if you start yelling at me? What if you start to ignore me? One part of me wishes to see you crying to me, while one part wishes to see you yelling my name out of pleasure, while moaning under me.

Ugh. This is making me feel even sadder than earlier.

Why? Because I have been doing this for 6 whole months.

And you have started to avoid me.

You only come to me when we have a tennis practice.

And even if you play tennis with me as always, you don't try to calm me down if I'm having too much energy, you don't talk to me like you used to and what's worse: You always avoid my gaze. If you see me looking at you, you quickly look somewhere else.

Why? Am I disgusting? Do you hate me?

If you won't talk to me anymore, what do I do? Sometimes I have a feeling like you knew what I'm doing every night. And I want to ask you do you know.

But I'm afraid. If I tell, what do you do? Do you hate me more? Do you tell others? Do you become one of them? I don't want you to be my one – night thing. I want to be with you forever. It has become my job. I keep doing it until I can have you.

I have to stop you from doing those things.

So next time we have practice and we're alone, I'll just ask.

I know it's hard to make you admit everything what I'm about to ask, but I won't give up. I keep asking until you admit it, or start to cry.

I won't admit anyone that I love to see you crying. You're the only one who will find out my deepest desires and secrets. Only one who has the rights to know everything about me. I love you. So I want you to know everything about me.

We have just ended practice. Everyone else expect you and me have left to their own houses.

I'm just going to put my school uniform on, when you suddenly grab my arm from behind and push me next to wall.

That hurt. I'm just about to complain to you, but I can't.

You look at me with those deep eyes of yours. They look like you could see right through my soul. I love them.

I open my mouth, so I could ask you what's wrong.

Just when I'm about to ask, you press your lips to mine.

God, it feels so amazing. I close my eyes and let you do whatever you wish to me. I'm enjoying your kiss, when you stop suddenly."Sorry Gakuto" You say and continue" I love you. Tell me, why do you do that?" "What?" I ask avoiding your gaze.

I'm so shocked about your kiss, that I didn't even hear what you said after that. "Don't play stupid Gakuto. You know what I mean." What? How? I have been doing my best to keep it as secret. "I have no idea what are you talking about Yuushi." I say gulping and trying to avoid his gaze blushing.

"Don't try to act like that. I know what you are doing every night." "What?" "Now, tell me why do you do it? Why do you sleep with them? Why do you do it with them and not with me? Don't I have the rights to know?" Then you look at me with those eyes.

You look so hurt and there's also something else in your eyes that it makes me to cry.

Your crying makes you look even more adorable than what you are.

I put my arms around your waist and pull you closer.

You start to sob in to my arms and hug me.

"I'm sorry Yuushi. I have lied to you. But how do you know what I'm doing? Are you sure you know?" You manage to ask.

"I'm sure. I know you sleep with men every night. But I want to know why. If you want to sleep with someone, sleep with me."

After my words, I could swear I saw your eyes shining, but only for a moment.

Then you say, in that adorable voice of yours: "I'm sorry. I admit it. I sleep with people every night, because I wish that my feelings would go away. But they don't go away. It just makes me feel more pain. I have tried to ignore my feelings but I can't. Yuushi. I love you so much."

After those words escape your lips, I kiss you again.

"Gakuto. I'm also sorry, because I have followed you so that I knew what you do on your free time."

"Why?" "Because I love you. And I wanted to know everything about you."

Then your eyes are wide for a second and you tighten your hold on me. I don't mind that. I just let you hug me and I hug you back. It's already dark outside, but I don't care. I just keep holding you in my arms smiling happily.