Harry Potter and The Holy Canon
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to any of the canon Harry Potter characters present in this work.
- NB: this work is principally intended as a humorous medley of parodies. I will be essentially updating when the fancy strikes, although there is a plot planned. Also, if anyone is offended by some aspect which I am parodying, I apologize; this story is intended as a comedy, as well as, in part, a mode of venting frustrations regarding some fanfiction genres and elements.
The Holy Cannon
"What's happened?"
"Why are we talking like this?"
"Causal integrity is declining!"
"What could possibly cause such a travesty?"
"There are dark forces at work, indeed."
"How could the narrative's structure have been reduced to such a state?"
"There's nothing left but words and this strange whiteness."
"Ron, Hermione, where are you?"
"Wait. Who are you?"
"I'm here Harry, but I can't find Ron, or myself, for that matter. This is decidedly odd."
"Where'd the ruddy train go? I finally got Agrippa, and now all my cards have just vanished!"
"Honestly, Ron. There are more important matters than-"
"Yes: there are definitely more important things than whatever you two were about to row about."
"Oh, Harry!"
"Wait. Are you Harry Potter?"
"That seems fairly obvious, Dramatic Irony."
"Quiet, Anti-Climax; I was trying to construct suspense."
"Where's Scenery? All these matters are far easier when she is around."
"I'm sorry. I just don't speak very often in general, except for text-messaging of course."
"That's enough rambling. It's time to get this narrative back on track."
"Shut up, Plot. Stop being such a slave driver."
"Er… Hermione, do you have any idea what's going on?"
"Arm The Holy Cannon! I, Background Information, have arrived!"
"And how are you expecting us to do that? We can't even get off this bloody page, yet alone structure a credible causal sequence with appropriate imagery."
"Silence, fools, for I have little time before I begin to fade. Deux ex Machina was able to save the protagonists, but the rest of the canonical Harry Potter characters have been stolen! Canon has virtually ceased to exist."
"What?"
"Impossible!"
"That is a violation of copyright law!"
"Fortunately, we have managed to procure a brief summary of the coming story. Thus, using the last of his strength, Deux ex Machina was able to arm The Holy Cannon! We can use it to blast straight through the storyline, but we don't have much time before it becomes well established! It is up to Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger to save the Potter-verse. They are our only hope."
"Bang."
"Well, that was anti-climactic."
"Are you sure? It seemed more like Plot from where I am existing in a fairly loose sense."
"We have given them all the help we can."
"What do you mean? You barely helped at all! That was positively dismal!"
"I cannot believe that, even with canon gone, we still have to reckon with beta readers."
"It is always the dregs of society who are the last to go."
"Hey! What does that say about us?"
"Well, we did give them a blast in the right direction, and Deux ex Machina left them a Plot Summary. They'll be fine."
Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger abruptly appeared in a dark antechamber, surrounded by death eaters. Atop a massive throne of the blackest ebony, a being cloaked in darkness peered out at them, serpentine crimson eyes glinting malevolently.
"So Potter, you have come, just as I anticipated, and now I have you surrounded by my loyal death eaters." The Dark Lord cackled gleefully.
Harry was in trouble and he knew it. All around him, cloaked figures pointed wands in his direction. Moreover, Voldemort was still immortal; he had not yet even started seeking out horcruxes. He could maybe give priori intantatem a shot, but then his friends would just be filleted by the collection of dark wizards surrounding them. Hermione kicked him in the shin.
"Psst... Harry: they're not real death eaters."
Even worse, one of his best friends, the brighter of the two at that, had been driven off her nut contemplating their perilous circumstances.
"Harry, I'm serious! They're just cardboard cut-outs."
Punctuating her statement, the witch gave a nearby death eater a light tap, and the propped up board tumbled to the ground.
Harry and Ron glanced at each other incredulously at Hermione's observation, but, well, she was right once again. Turning in opposite directions, each gave the nearest board a good kick, and Voldemort's armies began to tumble, felled by their mighty potencies.
Quantity over Quality Voldemort narrowed his eyes in concern. To have overcome his countless hordes so effortlessly, Potter and his friends must be far more dangerous than he anticipated. He would need to form his plans to defeat the boy anew. A confrontation at this time was simply too dangerous.
"Another time then, Potter!" and, in a flash of crimson power, The Dark Lord snuck out the secret back entrance, where he kept his get-away car.
Harry turned to his two best friends in bemusement.
"Something fairly strange is going on around here."