Putting the Damage On
By Chyna Rose
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, or the song Putting the Damage On which was the inspiration for this piece. This is my entry for Innocence's 'Make me Cry' contest- I hope she doesn't mind the poem format. This is also a semi sequel to Name. Speaking of contests, look at my profile for info on the one I'm running now.
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The rain falls gently as I watch you watch it.
You're wrapped up in a woolen afghan that I bought years ago.
Are you cold?
I stand behind you quietly.
You're paying so much attention to the window that you don't notice me.
We stay there in silence for a while;
You watching the rain,
Me watching you.
I don't want to break the spell, but I must.
"What do you want for dinner?"
You sigh.
I can tell it's going to be a hard night;
You're having one of your bad days.
Maybe we won't need to visit the hospital this time.
I can only hope.
"You have to eat something."
Nothing;
Just the sound of rain against the window.
"Please don't do this."
A sigh
A pause
I can tell that you're fighting your internal war.
And you may be losing.
I thought we were over this;
That your demons had been vanquished.
You did return to me after all.
But some monsters keep coming back no matter how many time you kill them.
I, of all people, should know this.
He
still keeps me up at night sometimes.I thought a lot of things.
I thought that moving-
Fulfilling our dreams-
Would end the nightmare of our past.
But the past doesn't like being forgotten.
It keeps coming back to screw us over.
You don't talk much about what happened those three years we were apart.
You don't talk much about anything
"I talked to Sora earlier. She said she saw Joyu the other day. Did you know that he became an obstetrician?"
Of course you didn't know.
We all drifted apart even before you returned.
It's just by chance that I even met up with Sora.
But then I've been busy lately.
I have you to take care of,
My job that allows us to live here,
Myself,
That little kitten we got when we first moved in-
Before we found out that not all of your physical scars were written on your flesh.
It's hard.
Sometimes I get so mad at you that I want to leave,
But I won't.
I won't because it would kill you
And I have enough blood on my hands already.
And I love you.
Despite of everything, I still love you.
So I put up with it.
All of it.
Your bad days
When you turn blue because you can't stop coughing
Or you vomit on the carpet;
Staining it with your crimson blood.
The days when I don't want to lose sight of you
For fear that you'll find a knife
And draw it along your porcelain skin
Skin that used to be a vibrant and golden tan.
The fight to get you to eat even a little.
And on top of all your shit,
I have to deal with my bad days.
Days when I hurt too much to do anything.
All I want to do is sleep,
And even opening my eyes is too much.
But no matter what happens to me,
I push it all aside for you.
I lie about how I am doing
Just so you don't have to worry.
Antigone is sitting in your lap;
Happy.
Strange to think that she will out live us both ne?
You pet her absentmindedly as you stare out the window.
Her purrs are joined by a beeping;
An alarm.
A blasted reminder of everything that's wrong in our life.
I put my hand gently on your shoulder;
Still too bony despite my care,
As I curse the clocks and timetables that have become our life.
"We better take our pills, and I should make dinner. How about some red snapper and rice?"
You let Antigone down off your lap as you stand
Painfully slow.
The rain stiffens your joints more than mine.
You are like a wizened old man in so many ways
Even though your hair still hasn't lost it's cinnamon coloring.
I lead you into the kitchen and get out our collection of bottles.
Your dose, I set in front of you
Counting carefully to make sure you get the right amount of medication.
I don't trust you to do this yourself.
Not that you are stupid or anything,
It's just that I want to make sure you don't take to many
And that you take them in the first place.
You swallow them automatically
As I take mine and put the rest away.
Time to make dinner.
We eat our microwaved instant soup slowly.
Neither of us are very hungry.
I start to talk about anything and every thing.
Not that I expect to draw you into a conversation,
Today is not one of your talking days.
But just to add noise to the room;
To get rid of the oppressive silence.
Silence that makes me think of the knife Yamato gave us as a housewarming present.
I'm tired today.
"Yamato and Taichi have been talking about moving in with us- if we want them to. They got evicted last week."
I want them to come.
I want them here to take care of me.
I want to be taken care of.
I want to be able to throw a fit;
A temper tantrum
For no other reason than I just don't feel well.
But if you don't want them here,
I'll do without them.
Anything for you to be happy.
Who knows?
Maybe they'll be good for us.
Be able to get you out of the house every now and then-
But only on warm days.
You still are never warm enough.
I reach out to touch you.
And to my delight,
You don't pull away.
Four years and you still feel guilty over getting me sick.
But you want to know something koi?
I forgive you for it.
Just as you forgave me for my cruelty in the Digital World,
I forgive you handing me this death sentence.
To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love you too much not to.
"Ken?" you ask from your post at the window.
"Yes?"
"Do you think it will rain tomorrow?"
My gut wrenches in sadness.
I've heard this tone before;
This foreboding.
"I don't know Dai."
I stand behind you and hold you.
Tears trace trails down my thin cheeks.
I don't want you to know I'm crying.
I made a promise to myself that I would never let you see me like this.
Our time together is short,
And every day is one more day we didn't have before,
And one less day we have to be together.
We need all the good memories we can get.
The others will be moving to this town to be near us.
They know it doesn't look very good for either of us.
They want to be able to say goodbye.
They want our last days to be happy ones;
Ones without pain.
You'll find this out soon enough.
You go back to watching the rain as it runs it's path down the window.
I can see the tears run down your face like the rain in the reflection.
I kiss your hair;
Breath in your scent.
Revel in the feel of it all.
The feel of the here and now.
Because that's all we have.
With sadness and love mixed together,
I rest my chin on your head
And watch the rain with you.
We are one now,
That is all that counts.
I smile at that thought as the tears and rain continue to fall.