Fooling myself
I was at the diner with Ben and Hunter. God, Hunter wouldn't stop speaking about Brian. That kid had a crush on Brian. I wondered why every kid in this town had a crush on Brian. I said to Hunter he shouldn't expect anything from Brian because Brian had a boyfriend, Justin.
He didn't seem to believe me. Then Brian entered the dinner. He smiled at me and I smiled back. He just had the time to order his sandwich and Hunter joined him and with his bratty way asked if Justin was his boyfriend.
Damn that kid!! Justin was outside; he was waiting for Brian. I tried not to look too much at Brian and then I saw him glaring at me. I didn't understand why really, it wasn't my fault if Hunter had a crush on him after all.
So I turned my head and looked at Ben, but my ears were listening only to Brian and Hunter. My heart began to beat faster, as usual, when someone or I asked that question to Brian about "Brian's doing boyfriends". in that case, Justin. Like each time, I was waiting for the confirmation, of that matter of fact that Brian doesn't do boyfriends. It was something I needed to hear to feel secure. maybe I was thinking that until he did do boyfriends, he was still mine in a way. It was a difficult notion to explain... But I liked the fact Brian didn't do boyfriends.
I wanted to turn my head and look at Brian badly and then I heard Ben's voice. Shit he asked me something and I didn't listen to him at all. I had no idea of what he was asking. I looked at him and decided to smile at him and gave him a kiss. I hoped that he didn't notice that I was focused on Brian and Hunter. The little trick seemed being a success. Ben smiled at me. And then I heard it: Brian's answer to Hunter. He was hesitating at first, then he said it "Yes, he is."
At this time my heart stopped; broke in two pieces. Justin was officially Brian's boyfriend. He didn't deny it. I was in shock. Brian's boyfriend. A part of me told me it wasn't a surprise. Everybody including me knew that Justin was Brian's boyfriend. But Brian never admitted it before. So why I was so hurt? Was it because a part of me didn't believe that Justin could have that place in Brian's life... even if that part that believed it was small? Then another feeling invade me, the anger, it was like I felt betrayed... I was angry with Brian and I didn't understand why so much anger was running across my head and was melting with the deep pain I already had. I finally turned my head. Justin was there and Brian held him tightly and kissed him deeply. I just couldn't stop watching Brian. The anger, the hurt, the jealousy, to see them together, happy, like that. I knew I had to be happy to see Brian finally happy, but at this moment I just couldn't. Brian was in love with Justin and I was hurt.
Why? I always knew that Brian only loved me in a friendly way. How could he love me in another way? I was just Michael Novotny, the boy next door. I was already fucking happy that the Great Brian Kinney wanted to be my friend, and he was my best friend. How could I want more? What could I have expected more than that? I wasn't special, just a fan of comic books, I was pathetic. So why so much anger? I knew some part of me believed that Brian one day could open his eyes and could love me back the same way I loved him. A little bit of me believed it. But that little bit of me was fooling myself. Brian loved me, but he couldn't ever love me the way I expected. He never desired me, of course, it was just me... I was fucking lucky to have Ben.
I saw Brian look at me. He probably noticed that I was watching him with my big puppy pathetic dog eyes that showed certainly my feelings, my hurt and my anger. I felt stupid. Then he turned his head to Justin and he smiled at his boyfriend. He probably laughed at me, because of the way I looked at him. God, it hurt, it hurt a lot... Because for 18 years, I let a little bit of me fool myself that maybe. one day.
One day.
End.
I was at the diner with Ben and Hunter. God, Hunter wouldn't stop speaking about Brian. That kid had a crush on Brian. I wondered why every kid in this town had a crush on Brian. I said to Hunter he shouldn't expect anything from Brian because Brian had a boyfriend, Justin.
He didn't seem to believe me. Then Brian entered the dinner. He smiled at me and I smiled back. He just had the time to order his sandwich and Hunter joined him and with his bratty way asked if Justin was his boyfriend.
Damn that kid!! Justin was outside; he was waiting for Brian. I tried not to look too much at Brian and then I saw him glaring at me. I didn't understand why really, it wasn't my fault if Hunter had a crush on him after all.
So I turned my head and looked at Ben, but my ears were listening only to Brian and Hunter. My heart began to beat faster, as usual, when someone or I asked that question to Brian about "Brian's doing boyfriends". in that case, Justin. Like each time, I was waiting for the confirmation, of that matter of fact that Brian doesn't do boyfriends. It was something I needed to hear to feel secure. maybe I was thinking that until he did do boyfriends, he was still mine in a way. It was a difficult notion to explain... But I liked the fact Brian didn't do boyfriends.
I wanted to turn my head and look at Brian badly and then I heard Ben's voice. Shit he asked me something and I didn't listen to him at all. I had no idea of what he was asking. I looked at him and decided to smile at him and gave him a kiss. I hoped that he didn't notice that I was focused on Brian and Hunter. The little trick seemed being a success. Ben smiled at me. And then I heard it: Brian's answer to Hunter. He was hesitating at first, then he said it "Yes, he is."
At this time my heart stopped; broke in two pieces. Justin was officially Brian's boyfriend. He didn't deny it. I was in shock. Brian's boyfriend. A part of me told me it wasn't a surprise. Everybody including me knew that Justin was Brian's boyfriend. But Brian never admitted it before. So why I was so hurt? Was it because a part of me didn't believe that Justin could have that place in Brian's life... even if that part that believed it was small? Then another feeling invade me, the anger, it was like I felt betrayed... I was angry with Brian and I didn't understand why so much anger was running across my head and was melting with the deep pain I already had. I finally turned my head. Justin was there and Brian held him tightly and kissed him deeply. I just couldn't stop watching Brian. The anger, the hurt, the jealousy, to see them together, happy, like that. I knew I had to be happy to see Brian finally happy, but at this moment I just couldn't. Brian was in love with Justin and I was hurt.
Why? I always knew that Brian only loved me in a friendly way. How could he love me in another way? I was just Michael Novotny, the boy next door. I was already fucking happy that the Great Brian Kinney wanted to be my friend, and he was my best friend. How could I want more? What could I have expected more than that? I wasn't special, just a fan of comic books, I was pathetic. So why so much anger? I knew some part of me believed that Brian one day could open his eyes and could love me back the same way I loved him. A little bit of me believed it. But that little bit of me was fooling myself. Brian loved me, but he couldn't ever love me the way I expected. He never desired me, of course, it was just me... I was fucking lucky to have Ben.
I saw Brian look at me. He probably noticed that I was watching him with my big puppy pathetic dog eyes that showed certainly my feelings, my hurt and my anger. I felt stupid. Then he turned his head to Justin and he smiled at his boyfriend. He probably laughed at me, because of the way I looked at him. God, it hurt, it hurt a lot... Because for 18 years, I let a little bit of me fool myself that maybe. one day.
One day.
End.