-1AN: Written by Penguinrocks22 (good lord she likes penguins- Whackman), ghost written by Whackman poop her loyal friend. Well, now you know she's more of a poltergeist writer than a ghost.
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The Doctor sat in the TARDIS listening to Children of Bodom, his favourite black metal band as he waited for his dear Rose Blossom (maybe, he thought, he should rethink that nickname for her) to get back from the common end of London where she was apologising to Mickey for picking him up and dropping him whenever it suited her.(this was in the form of the great thing called makeup sex) It was important, the Doctor thought, for those two to make up, as no doubt they would end up stuck in a parallel universe together far, far away and get it together; of course, the Doctor would become a distant memory as no doubt he would be stuck in the regular universe (sans the zeppelins) all on his own.
Finally, the Doctor got fed up of all the depressing music and wrist cutting, and decided to sod off to Jackie's flat to sneer at the cheap furniture and await Rose's return. (also to get some bandages to cover up the cuts as he likes his new look and doesn't want to regenerate for a while) Thus, the Doctor unexpectedly turned up at Jackie's flat and, for some reason, he observed human etiquette and knocked first instead.
Jackie opened the door in her skimpy nighty (she actually has something other than her underwear on when she has sailors round) and looked surprised, "Uh, hello Doctor," she said, forcing a smile.
The Doctor also looked surprised as it was four o clock in the afternoon, "hello Jackie, I see that you are trying to proposition me. Again. Looks like I'll have to lay down the law: no, I will not sleep with you." this is due to the fact that I would like to sleep with your daughter but I cant this is due the fact that she is not a timelord so she cant produce my granddaughter(see an older series), and she will soon be in a parallel universe so even if she was pregnant I wouldn't get a granddaughter in the universe.
"Really?" Jackie looked disappointed, "I mean, actually I wasn't wearing you this for you. I have sailors on shore leave."
"Don't you mean sailor?"
"Yes, sailor. I meant the singular (would she actually have the intelligence to use this kind of word) obviously." Jackie shut the door and the Doctor heard an awful lot of shuffling and the moving of furniture.
"Get under the bed, Lenny! Joe, in the airing cupboard!" Said the muffled voice of Jackie. A few minutes later a flustered looking Jackie reappeared at the door. "Right-o, come on in Doctor, I'll make a cuppa."
"I'm here to see Rose," the Doctor explained as he followed Jackie into the flat and sat himself down on a seedy old settee. Jackie went off and pottered around in the kitchen. Somebody squealed, and the Doctor looked under the settee,
"hello!" Said the flattened Sailor.
"Hello, uh Lenny," The Doctor replied.
"Actually, I'm Robert."
"Of course you are." The Doctor decided to ignore the sailor.
Jackie returned with a cuppa, "Rose is off, probably kanoodling with Mickey, it might be a while before she gets back."
And what followed can only be described as the planet's most awkward silence, (what happened to the sailors) as the Doctor and Jackie sat opposite each other, not exchanging a single word as she stared at him lustfully and he tried to thwart her by looking as unsexy as Gallifreyanly possible. It is safe to say that he failed completely.
"You took my Rose away from me." Jackie growled,
"Uh, sorry," The Doctor said nervously.
"I should punish you."
"Aaah!"
Another unbroken silence followed, and lasted about half an hour before Rose and Mickey entered.
"You bastard!" Jackie exclaimed, hitting the Doctor over the head.
"Aw! What was that for!" The Doctor whined defensively.
"Taking Rose off on your deadly adventures or near-death! Go and stand outside!"
"Fine," the Doctor pouted, shuffling out of the flat.
Jackie turned to Rose with as much persecution and conviction as the Spanish Inquisition. "Why do you always go off with him Rose, why?" Mickey brimmed with tears, "Why don't you settle down like that nice Sarah-Jane?" (who we realise Jackie doesn't know, ahem)
"It's because I love him, mum!" Rose cried emotionally, "and um, also," she added, "the once in a life time chance to see the universe as no other human being of my time can...and the time travelling."
Jackie heard a knock at the door, and the Doctor gingerly re-entered the room as Mickey burst in to manly tears (because he is a gorgeous manly man and everyone loves a sensitive man who can cry).
"Lotta crying," the Doctor said in a fashion which wrongly suggests that the manly man statement is untrue. "You sound like you could use some good ol' emo music to cry into your pillow to."
"You like Fall Out Boy too?" Mickey said, brightening up.
"Sure," the Doctor coughed.
"I ask you again, Rose," Jackie persisted, "Why do you go off with him, I mean, Mickey's a perfectly decent chap. It's true, I saw the naked picture he did for Cosmo."
"because we want to!" Rose declared, launching into that oh so loved number (with the Doctor as a backing dancer), this lasted about two minutes.
Mickey, Jackie and Robert who was still until the settee turned away in disgust, as they abhorred nineties pop and everything it stood for (the Spice Girls, Aqua, Billie Piper, their lack of appreciation of the kitsch knew no boundary).
Eventually, the song ended, Mickey and Jackie breathed a sigh of relief.
"As much as I like dancing, Rose, you're going to have to do something about your musical taste, or I'll be forced to take Mickey with us as punishment." The Doctor said. Mickey started crying again. "And if you want even the slightest chance of being my girlfriend, concubine or whore, you don't sing any of your own songs, got it?"
"Ok…" Rose was silent momentarily before singing quietly, "do you have a girlfriend"
The doctor also adds that if Rose wants any chance of becoming his girlfriend then she better stop singing that song to which she reply's "do you have a girlfriend" and starts to do the whole song and dance routine to that song. The Dr then reply's "no and they isn't any chance of you becoming my girlfriend because you have dreadful music taste so I am going to create a war between the daleks and the cybermen, who will end up getting sucked into a void and I will end up having to leave you, Mickey, your mum and dad in a parallel universe so that I don't have to put up with your dreadful music. I will then nearly tell you that I love you but not get a chance, I will then start to become extremely emo but before I get the chance I will discover a bride on the TARDIS and I will forget about you and I shall honeymoon with her until her husband finds us in the park toilets. I will then discover a new companion and it will turn out that she is infact another timelord we shall have a child together and then I will abandon her so she has to live off benefit from the council and I will discover my granddaughter in the past. I will then go out into space and time on my own and find captain jack and we will live happily ever after". To which Rose reply's that it will never happen and that she and the doctor will stay together forever and they never shall part, she adds in that she loves the band Post Lrophets and that she thinks they are like you know sooooo cool. The Dr will then get very angry and decide that even though this is only episode 3 of the current series he will speed it all up (he can do this, I mean he IS a timelord) so that the war happens sooner and he can get rid of Rose.
All of the events that he mention happen but when Rose tells the Dr that someone is pregnant (instead of going along with the script he decides that its his show so he will edit it) he says "oh my god, not Mickey, oh I'm so glad and happy for him, I also knew he would find a man for him to love, he is a women right(to which he meant I knew he was a girl and I hate you Rose Tyler so I am going to annoy you by saying that he doesn't love you), I mean he didn't like facing the ood (even though he wasn't actually there, he was in a parallel universe). Rose begins to yell and the Dr and then realises that she could lose her job if she didn't stick to the script (she is blonde so she kind of forgot that she had already quit well been fired but they all lied to the press) as she is bout to become emotional and tell the Dr she loves him, he turns off the TV to get a coffee, he then realises that Rose is meant to be emotionally declaring her love for him so switched it back on, only to remember that the void in the space and time continuum had closed already. He turns round to find a bride and the rest as they say is history.
THE END
Oh you want to know more, okay then, well stuff happens blah blah blah anyway him and Captain Jack end up together and are very happy until they decide that they need another man in their relationship and along comes Captain Jack (yes I know another one) Sparrow, who has people travelling to the ends of the earth trying to bring him back to life. The three of them then buy a cosy little flat in the Cotswolds and live happily every after with 3 children, 1 a timelord, 1 a pirate and the other one a time travelling pirate who has the looks of both Captain Jack and the Doctor and is called (wait for it, it is a very original name, you would guess what it was in a million years it is …………………………………………………………………………………… ...………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….) Jack. The other two are called Dalek (the timelord – it is meant to be ironic) and the other is called Peter Pan (the pirate – this I because Captain Hook who was a pirate, his worst enemy was Peter Pan), his nickname is Tinkerbelle. The family surname is not double barrowed it's not even triple barrowed it is in fact quad (well has four parts); it is Who-Sparrow-Harkness-Tennent. (A mouthful) and the sonic screwdriver is always available, the only thing that they all missed was the girl in the fireplace, so they went down to WH Smiths and brought it on DVD and watched the episode continuously.
THE ACTUAL END WELL NOT REALLY AS NOTHING EVER REALLY ENDS BUT I CANT BE BOTHERED TO ADD ANYMORE TO THE STORY