Nobody knows
WARNING: Rated PG-13 for angst and mild language
NB: This is a songfic about Kathryn, set not too long after Sebastian's demise. The song is "Nobody Knows" by Tony Rich Project.
Kathryn opened her eyes sleepily, and stared out the window. It was sunrise, and rays of golden and scarlet were breaking through the rainy night sky, dark as the bruises she had made on her slender arms. She turned away from the window to stare at the picture that was always on her dressing table. Sebastian Valmont, her deceased stepbrother. He had only been gone a month, give or take a few days.
No one knew just how much she missed him, or just how much she had truly loved and cared for him. They thought she didn't care, because she acted like that in public. Eyes still locked on the photo, words began tumbling from Kathryn's rosebud mouth.
"I pretend that I'm glad you went away." She whispered. A tear fell down her face as she looked around her room. A luxurious prison cell to her. "These four wall are closing more every day; I'm dying inside, and nobody knows it but me." Kathryn rose from her bed, allowing the sunrise rays to fall on her chestnut hair, giving it a reddish hue. She rifled through the draws, searching for the clothes she desired for the day. Slowly, she dressed, the words still tumbling from her mouth. "Like a clown, I put on a show, but my pain is real, even if nobody knows."
She twirled around to see her reflection in the mirror. Tears were still coursing down her face, but her mouth had now transformed into a bitter smile. Her clothes seemed to match her bittersweet mood. All black. Black open-toed mules. Black hipsters. Black leather jacket, and a black bustier top. Dark red lipstick completed the look.
She checked the clock on her dresser. 6:03 AM. There wasn't much time. Hurriedly, she pulled two large suitcases out from under her bed, and then she filled them up with her clothes, and a teddy bear that Sebastian had given her many Christmases ago. Kathryn normally didn't like stuffed toys, she considered them childish and unnecessary, but this one had always been special to her, because it was a special gift from the one person she truly loved.
"I'm crying inside for us, Sebastian, and nobody knows it but me..." Kathryn then stuck her head out of her bedroom, checking for the Vietnamese maid that had been ordered to keep an eye on her while her `beloved' Mother and Stepfather were on a two-week business conference in London. Kathryn could hear gentle snoring coming from the room next to her. Cautiously, she stepped out of her room, and stuck her head in the room next door. The maid was in there, fast asleep. Kathryn sighed in relief. Getting out would be easier than she thought. But, discretion was still required. Silently, she crept down the stairs, into the hallway and searched for a pen and paper. Fortunately, they were both on the little coffee table in the hallway. Hurriedly, she wrote a note to her parents.
Everyone I know hates me, neither of you have ever shown me that you loved or cared about me, and the one person that I truly loved is gone forever. There's nothing keeping me here, so why should I even bother to stay? -Kathryn Merteuil
Quietly, Kathryn made her way out of the mansion to her Mother's car that was parked out the front. She sighed unhappily. The sun was up, but huge, dark clouds were covering it. A sure sign that heavy rain was approaching. Tears made their way down her pretty face as she started the car.
"Why didn't I say the things I needed to say? How could I let my angel get away?" She asked herself. Her voice was wavering as she did her best not to become over-consumed with the sobs that were threatening to make their way out of her body. Silently, Kathryn drove to her desired destination. Now, it was starting to rain. The small, crystal drops were spattering her windshield, making slapping noises when they hit the roof of the car. Trying to drown out the rain, Kathryn turned up the radio, fiddling with the tuning to see if she could find any music that she liked. There was nothing that suited her black, depressing mood, so she turned it off again.
Before long, she was at her desired destination. A small, white-brick shop with a gold-plated sign. Silently, she entered the shop. The man at the counter watched her idly, but with little interest as she rifled through the flowers at the side of his shop. After a few minutes, she approached the counter with a single, blood red rose, and a packet of expensive Marlboro cigarettes.
"Will that be all, miss?" He asked her pleasantly. She nodded, without a word or a smile, and handed him two crisp $20 bills. He gave her change, and she left, never saying a word. Outside, next to the shop, was an ATM. Kathryn ruffled through her purse until she came up with the card she was looking for. A perfect replica of her mother's card. Silently, she pushed a few buttons, and withdrew all the money in her mother's account. Her mother didn't need the money, Kathryn did. Kathryn got back into her car. She still had one more place to visit. She still felt like crying. Why did her Sebastian have to die? Why not that worthless little brat Annette?
Finally, Kathryn broke down, and began to cry. "Why didn't I say the things I needed to say?" She sobbed, clutching the steering wheel so hard her knuckles turned white. "Now my whole *fucking* world is tumbling down."
Her unhappiness momentarily turned to bitter anger as she remembered Sebastian's final act of revenge. His journal. Now everybody knew of the relationship they had shared, and what he had really thought of her. She honestly thought that he had loved her as much as she loved him. It was a twisted, complicated love, yes, but it was love nonetheless.
"I can say it so clearly, but you're no longer around." She was still crying softly, still gripping the steering wheel. While still crying, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She hadn't worn much makeup, except for her dark red lipstick, so she wasn't that messy, but that her eyes were red from crying.
"My nights are lonely, my days are so sad." She sobbed, "I keep thinking about the `love' we had." Then her voice dropped to a whisper. "I'm missing you so much, Sebastian. And nobody knows it but me."
Finally, she arrived at her final destination. The cemetery just outside of Manchester. For such a morbid, gloomy place, it was very beautiful. The tombstones were immaculately kept with absolutely no graffiti or broken statues, and there were fresh flowers on each grave. Also, they were all carved from smooth, white marble, not cheap sandstone. Slowly, Kathryn stepped out of the car. It was still raining. "I carry a smile, but I'm broken in two, and you *know* I'm nobody without someone like you." She made her way up to the back of the cemetery. All the members of the Valmont family were buried there. Uncles, Aunts, daughters, cousins, and of course, sons. Sebastian had been buried next to his Grandfather, Tomas Valmont VI. Kathryn sighed, then scanned Sebastian's grave:
Sebastian Valmont I. February 13th 1982-August 28th 1999.
May the road rise up to meet you May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft on your lands. And until we meet again, may God hold in the palm of his hand.
"I'm trembling inside, and nobody knows it but me." She said aloud. There was no need to worry about anyone else hearing her because she was alone in the cemetery.
"I lie awake; it's a quarter past three. I'm screaming at night as if I thought you'd hear me. My heart's been calling you, and nobody knows it but me. "How blue can you get? You could ask my heart. But like a jigsaw puzzle, It's all been torn apart." Kathryn's tears were now returning. Her small, white hands were clamped around the stem of the rose she had bought with her, and the thorns were digging into her soft skin, threatening to draw blood. She didn't care.
"A million words couldn't say how I feel. But a million years from now, you know I'll be loving you still." A strange little smile formed Kathryn's pretty face for the first time. Gently, she kissed the beautiful, delicate rose in her small hands before placing it on Sebastian's immaculate grave.
"Tomorrow morning I'm hitting the dusty road. *Maybe* I'll find you, wherever I might go. I'm going to unload my heart, and hope that one day, you'll come back to me." For a moment, there was silence. Kathryn was deep in thought about her final words to Sebastian. She doubted that she would ever see his grave again. She was going far away. Where, she hadn't decided yet, but it had to be far away from everyone that knew her, far from her memories of losing Sebastian.
"My nights are so lonely, and my days are so sad, because I keep thinking about the love that we had. I'll always be missing you, my darling Sebastian, and nobody will ever know that but me." Slowly, Kathryn knelt down, and kissed the tombstone, leaving an imprint of her soft, red lips against the white marble. Then silently, she walked back to her car. Her dark hair was wet and tangled from the rain, and her clothes were beginning to get damp too.
For a few minutes, she just sat there, staring at nothing, and then she started up the car. The engine sputtered once, then came to life, humming softly. Kathryn began fiddling around with the radio dial again. After a few minutes, she found an easy-listening station. Then, an old song came up. "Nobody knows" by Tony Rich project. The lyrics cut into Kathryn's heart. The song perfectly described the way she felt about herself and about the one person she loved, Sebastian Valmont.
"I always loved you, Sebastian." She whispered. "I know it wasn't Mills and Boon-style love like with Annette, but it was love."
Kathryn began to hum gently to the song, the tiniest hint of a smile on her mouth. Outside, the rain was getting heavier, slapping against the car, while thunder was rumbling and lightning was beginning to crash outside.
But Kathryn didn't notice or care about this, because for the first time in ages, she felt at peace with herself. Still humming, but with tears streaming down her pretty face, Kathryn drove off into the early morning rain, never to be seen or heard from again.