Title: Persistence of Loss
Author: Kerfect
Rating: PG
Couple: none
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue.
Summery: Lex indulges in self-analysis.
A/N: This is meant as my view into Lex's soul. How I see him. And what I
think pushed him into his dark side.
Persistence of Loss
The life of Lex Luthor is not the fairy tale that everyone believes it is. That, which is behind the cocktail parties and foreign, expensive cars, I would not wish on my worst enemy. A distant father who was never a dad; a brutal and ruthless man raised in his own father's image. A cold corpse of a woman who was once my mother a long time ago; a murdered angel that dissolved like sweet cotton candy under my touch.
It was my touch that killed her. I broke her heart. The pregnancy strained her heart muscle much more than it should have. She died seven years later from heat failure. Everything in my life is polluted. Nothing has ever been clean or wholesome. Everything I touch, turns to dust and fades away into the wind.
I know in my heart he blames me for her death. I see it in the looks and forced hugs, this border-line odium burns like cold fire in his eyes, smoldering me from the inside. There is a void in my soul that nothing can fill. Not drugs, not parties, not fast rides nor faster girls. This loss is eating away at me, and soon there will be nothing left.
I'm lost. I don't know who I am. I was made of two halves. One half died, the other dried up and atrophied. I won't accept it, this other half of mine. I am not my father's son. And so I search. I search for something that will lead me away from me. Away from the deadness and the numbness. What I'm looking for is a connection, a life-line to humanity.
That's where Clark comes in.
You see, he is that mystical connection. He's the one who keeps me alive. He purifies me. He sanctifies me. Yet all I give him in return is corruption. I'm desecrating him with my friendship. I'm polluting his spirit and so he too will flutter away one day as all the other good things in my life.
His friendship means a lot to me. Much more then anything else I've ever possessed. Possibly much more then it should, as my father would say. I'm petrified that at the end it will be the loss of that friendship that will be the final push. Perhaps it will cause the final loss. The loss of my sanity.
Persistence of Loss
The life of Lex Luthor is not the fairy tale that everyone believes it is. That, which is behind the cocktail parties and foreign, expensive cars, I would not wish on my worst enemy. A distant father who was never a dad; a brutal and ruthless man raised in his own father's image. A cold corpse of a woman who was once my mother a long time ago; a murdered angel that dissolved like sweet cotton candy under my touch.
It was my touch that killed her. I broke her heart. The pregnancy strained her heart muscle much more than it should have. She died seven years later from heat failure. Everything in my life is polluted. Nothing has ever been clean or wholesome. Everything I touch, turns to dust and fades away into the wind.
I know in my heart he blames me for her death. I see it in the looks and forced hugs, this border-line odium burns like cold fire in his eyes, smoldering me from the inside. There is a void in my soul that nothing can fill. Not drugs, not parties, not fast rides nor faster girls. This loss is eating away at me, and soon there will be nothing left.
I'm lost. I don't know who I am. I was made of two halves. One half died, the other dried up and atrophied. I won't accept it, this other half of mine. I am not my father's son. And so I search. I search for something that will lead me away from me. Away from the deadness and the numbness. What I'm looking for is a connection, a life-line to humanity.
That's where Clark comes in.
You see, he is that mystical connection. He's the one who keeps me alive. He purifies me. He sanctifies me. Yet all I give him in return is corruption. I'm desecrating him with my friendship. I'm polluting his spirit and so he too will flutter away one day as all the other good things in my life.
His friendship means a lot to me. Much more then anything else I've ever possessed. Possibly much more then it should, as my father would say. I'm petrified that at the end it will be the loss of that friendship that will be the final push. Perhaps it will cause the final loss. The loss of my sanity.