Cold and darkness press against her, suffocatingly filling her with thoughts of despair. She can't see. Can't breath. She feels a layer of frost spreading from her fingertips up her arms, encasing her.
No…
Caitlin sits up abruptly in her bed, gasping for air and clumsily searching for the switch to her lamp.
Yellow light illuminates her and Caitlin studies her hands. Eyes wide from fear and desperation she flips her hands back and forth, searching for any sign of frost.
She finds none, but it does little to alleviate her fear.
Are my hands just cold? Or are they too cold?
Caitlin balls her shaking hands into fists, and tries to will herself to calm down.
It takes several minutes, but she eventually manages to stop shaking.
I can control this.
Looking at her alarm clock Caitlin realizes it's only four in the morning, but she knows she won't be able to fall back asleep.
Climbing out of bed with an exhausted groan she makes her way to the bathroom for the hottest shower she can manage.
By the time she's dressed herself and styled her hair, Caitlin has only managed to kill forty-five minutes.
Maybe I'm too efficient.
Unable to stay in her dark, lonely, apartment any longer she decides to head to work. Even though nobody else will be there for a few hours STAR Labs feels less foreboding than her shadow-strewn apartment.
Thankfully, Jitters is open so Caitlin is able to get a steaming cup of caffeine on her way to the lab.
Sure enough, when she makes it to work nobody is there waiting for her.
With a small sigh she settles into her desk, deciding to start back up on calculations to get Barry out of the Speed Force.
Caitlin tries to focus on the screen in front of her, but everything blurs and she finds herself dwelling on her nightmare.
Nothing is going to happen. Killer Frost is gone, and she's not coming back. Julian's serum made sure of that.
Logically she knows her powers are gone, eradicated by the serum, her psycho alter ego along with it. That hasn't helped the nightmares, though, or the memories of hurting her friends.
Burying her face in her hands, Caitlin tries to banish her cloudy thoughts.
She's not sure how long she's there, elbows resting on the desk, supporting her head, before her self-condemnation is interrupted.
"You know, Snow, if you wanted to sleep, you could have stayed home."
Caitlin jumps and spins her chair around, surprised to see Harry standing behind her. She's even more surprised to see him shirtless, in pajama pants, and holding a gun.
"H-Harry," she stutters, trying not to gawk. "What are you doing up?"
"Someone," he accuses, blinking blearily at her, "tripped my alarm."
"What alarm?"
"The one I set to alert me whenever someone enters the building. We have a ridiculous amount of Metas just barge in here at all hours."
She winces.
"Sorry, I didn't realize," she apologizes. "It's just me though, so you can go back to sleep."
Harry looks down at his watch, squinting to focus on the screen.
"It's not even 5:30, Snow. What are you doing here?"
"I—I just wanted to get an early start. You know, work on getting Barry back."
He shakes his head.
"You're a terrible liar."
"Are you trying to insinuate that I don't want Barry back?"
"We all want him back," Harry scoffs. "That's not the reason you're here though."
Caitlin swallows nervously, worried he'll press her further.
He massages the bridge of his nose and sighs.
"Well, I'm up now," he says. "Guess I'll go shower."
Harry takes a step closer and Caitlin unconsciously braces herself.
He bends down, leaning in until they are face to face and her stomach flip-flops looking into his crystalline blue eyes.
Harry reaches past Caitlin, snagging her coffee from Jitters, before backing up to take a long sip.
"Hey," she chastises, her heart rate slowly returning to normal. "That's mine!"
"You woke me up," is all he says before retreating with his gun and her coffee.
With Harry off to shower, and knowing no one else will be in for a while, Caitlin decides to do a blood analysis.
She and Julian already tested her blood, right after she took the serum, and all signs of her being a metahuman were gone. They were also gone the other twelve times she checked her blood in the last week.
Time can change things, though, she thinks, and it certainly loves reminding people of that.
In the infirmary, Caitlin secures a tourniquet around her arm, and prepares to draw her own blood.
The needle piercing her skin stings just slightly, but the discomfort centers her, focusing her attention on the task at hand.
Professionalism kicks in and she's able to distance herself from the problem, looking at her situation clinically.
The science of the serum was sound. There won't be anything abnormal in my blood.
But what if there is?
Taking much more blood than necessary, considering she only needs a few drops, Caitlin pulls the needle from her arm and prepares a slide.
The computer is quick to analyze it, assuring her she is still okay and that the serum is working.
She chews her bottom lip worriedly.
Computers are fallible.
Caitlin slips the slide under her own microscope and begins manually searching for abnormalities.
When Caitlin doesn't find anything she lets herself feel a sliver of relief.
It is, however, short lived.
One sample isn't definitive proof. I should test at least three.
The second sample she takes is also all clear, but it still does little to calm her down.
As she is preparing to take a third sample, she's interrupted.
"Snow, there you are. So I was—" Harry stops, catching sight of the needle poised just above her arm. "What the hell are you doing?" he demands.
She freezes. She thought it would take him longer to shower and dress.
He marches over to her, taking the needle and tossing it on the counter.
Harry grabs her wrist as Caitlin tries to hide her arm, and pulls it closer for him to see.
The anger in his eyes as he studies the bruises and track marks on her arm makes her stomach twist uncomfortably.
He runs his index finger over the marks, sending a shiver down her spine, before releasing her.
"So what is it?" he asks coldly. "Heroin? Morphine? Something of your own design?"
"Wh—? I-I…" she can't get the words out, her tongue tripping her up.
"We all miss Barry, but ruining a brilliant mind by shooting toxins into your veins isn't going to help anyone."
Harry grabs her by the elbow and pulls her to her feet.
"Come on," he orders, "you need to dry out."
Caitlin plants her feet firmly, or as firm as she can in heels.
"Look, you can either detox in the pipeline, or go to rehab and have that on your record."
"I'm not on drugs!" she finally manages to exclaim, pulling out of his grasp.
Harry crosses his arms and arches an eyebrow cynically.
"You're not sleeping, you're sneaking around here when nobody is here, and I caught you injecting something into your bruised, junkie arm."
"I wasn't injecting anything!" she argues. "I was…"
Caitlin pauses.
In the roundabout 'Harrison Wells' way, he had called her brilliant. Now she has to tell him she's going crazy.
It's either crazy or junkie.
She opts for the former.
"I was taking a blood sample… another blood sample. I've been compulsively taking samples and checking for abnormalities. For any sign Julian's serum isn't working and that she is coming back."
Caitlin can see the anger leave him, and she is so thankful pity doesn't take its place. She can't stomach pity right now.
"Have your results given you any reason to think the serum isn't working?" he asks, slipping into doctor mode.
"No, they've all come back clear."
"Have you been exhibiting any signs of your frost powers?"
"Not exactly," she admits. "I keep dreaming I'm covered in a layer of ice, but when I wake up there's no sign of it."
Harry scratches his temple, staring at her as if she's a child.
"So you're mutilating yourself based strictly off of nightmares, and feelings?" he scoffs.
"I'm not mutilating myself."
Harry takes her wrist again and holds up her arm.
"Snow, look at this. Do you not see what I see?"
Sighing she looks at her inner elbow. She's not sure how she didn't notice just how bad it looked.
The skin is swollen, bruised, and peppered with needle marks.
It's no wonder he thought I was a junkie.
Caitlin pulls away once more and turns around. The last thing she wants, after everything else, is for Harry to see her cry.
"I'm so scared she'll come back. That my powers will come back and I won't be able to stop her."
He's quiet for a long pause before answering.
"What you're truly afraid of is losing control," Harry tells her. "Everything in your life reflects your self-control."
Caitlin wipes away the stray tears before turning back around to face him.
"Your clothing, the food you eat, your career, your attitude," Harry lists, "all of it comes from your need to always be in control."
She gives him a dirty look.
"Are you trying to say that my fears of turning back into Killer Frost stem from my being a little anal retentive?"
"A little?" Harry laughs. "My dear, aside from your powers, you have probably never been in a situation you can't control, and you've certainly never entered into one willingly."
Caitlin crosses her arms, scowling at him.
"You don't know how to let go, and until you do you're going to drive yourself crazy worrying about whether or not that serum is going to continue working."
"I can too let go," she argues.
"I doubt that very much."
"I can!"
"Prove it," he says simply.
"I will," Caitlin replies stubbornly.
"I don't just mean act a little out of the ordinary," Harry clarifies, moving towards her once more, "adding whole milk instead of two percent to your coffee. I mean completely relinquish control."
"To what?"
"To me."
The glint in his eye sparks butterflies in her stomach, though she isn't sure why. His gaze is so serious she feels as if he can see right through her, as if he can feel her trepidation and even the slight tingle of excitement blossoming within her.
"What do I get out of this?" she asks.
"You mean aside from proving your point?" he asks. "Hmm, I suppose if you can make it two whole weeks without giving up, or completely disobeying me, I will make you a device to wear that will constantly monitor your blood."
She perks up.
"I wouldn't have to keep drawing blood for samples?"
Harry nods, smirking at her excitement.
"Okay," she drawls, "what do you get out of this?"
"I get to help a friend," he shrugs.
Caitlin pulls down her sleeve to hide her bruised arm and then stands up tall, straightening her back and holding her head high.
"I'm in," she agrees. "So what's first? Is there going to be like a list of tasks? Are you going to-?"
"Quiet," he interrupts.
He doesn't raise his voice at her, but there is a new quality to it that's not usually there; one that demands to be heard, and one that demands respect.
Caitlin closes her mouth and bites her tongue.
"Let's go over the rules," Harry begins, counting his list on fingers as he goes. "First, when we are alone together you will only speak when spoken to. Second, you will only address me as either 'Dr. Wells' or 'Sir'. Third, you will not hesitate to complete any order I give you. I reserve the right to terminate our arrangement and notify your friends of what you've been doing to yourself at any time depending on the severity of your rule breaking."
"So if I misspeak you'll just cancel everything and tattle on me?" she asks.
"You just broke all three rules," Harry sighs, looking quite displeased with her.
Caitlin opens her mouth to argue, but catches herself before she speaks and closes her mouth again, trying not to scowl.
"Very good," he compliments, and she tries not to feel pleased with herself. "And to answer your very rudely spoken question, I won't immediately end things, it just depends on how badly you break a rule what your punishment will be."
She opens her mouth again, but stops, biting her tongue.
"You may speak," he allows, trying to suppress a smile.
"Punishment?" she asks, trying not to laugh. "What are you going to do, spank me?"
"Keep forgetting the rules and we'll just have to see," Harry says, eyes scanning over her playfully.
Caitlin's mouth pops open into a tiny 'o' and she can feel her cheeks begin to color.
"You've-" she stops, cursing herself.
"Continue," he sighs, waving her on.
"You've done this before, haven't you?" she asks quietly. "You were pretty quick with those rules."
Harry studies her intently for several seconds before answering.
"Yes, I have. A few times. Though, the circumstances were quite different."
"It was... sexual?" she asks, staring at the ground, her cheeks flaming.
"It was," he replies truthfully. "This isn't."
She's not sure whether it's relief or regret that floods her.
Relief obviously, she tells herself. I don't have those types of feelings about Harry. I mean sure, he's handsome. His eyes are gorgeous and he is in great shape for being so much older than me. And just because my stomach flips when he's close to me, that doesn't mean... she stops that train of thought, uncomfortable with the direction it was headed.
"Is that going to be a problem?" he asks. "The fact that I've done this before under very different circumstances?"
"No, Sir."
"Good girl," he smiles. "You're learning."
Caitlin smiles.
"First thing first," he tells her, "get this infirmary cleaned up."
Easy, she thinks.
"But," he continues, "when you put the equipment away, don't put it back in its original spot. Put everything away randomly."
She can't fight the pouty expression his words trigger, and Harry graces her with another smile.
What does good organizational skills have to do with control?
"Whatever you say, Dr. Wells."
"When you're done, meet me in my room."
Caitlin's eyes go wide with surprise.
"Snow," he sighs, "I'm not going to take advantage of you, I promise."
"R-Right, sorry, Sir."
Harry gives her another once over before leaving her alone in the infirmary.
What have I gotten myself into? Caitlin thinks.
Author's Note: Hey guys! First I just wanted to say thanks for giving this story a chance, I really hope you'll enjoy as much as I'm enjoying writing it. I'm going to try to keep the characters as true to themselves as possible, but obviously when dealing with subject matter like this there may be some ooc moments (for example jumping into an arrangement like this so quickly lol) Either way, I really hope to hear what you think! This will probably end up being a longer fic, so hopefully you'll stick with me. Thanks for reading!