It's been so long; too long. In fact, as you stand there in front of me, I'm still having trouble convincing myself that it's really you. I wasn't expecting to see you here. If I did then I would have made plans to avoid you. It's funny how fate will make whatever it wants to happen when it wants to. It's almost cruel.
"Syusuke."
You call my name. It feels so foreign, coming from you. But the way you said it; it feels nostalgic. It brought back all those memories that I've tried so desperately to forget.
"Syusuke"
You call out my name once again, taking a step forward, one hand reaching out, to hold me or touch my face I think. It's hard to tell. It's been so long that I've forgotten what really are. Out of instinct, I take a step back. I didn't know what made me do it; it was my body acting on its own accord. I can see the hurt on your face as you pull back your hand. You look away.
"Syusuke, I'm sorry."
That was the first time I've heard you apologize. It wasn't like you to admit your mistakes so easily. It seemed that being with her changed you more than I have expected, or maybe because you let her change you. Then again, you were never really the type to change for somebody, or maybe you were, I just didn't know you enough for me to conclude that. I'm still having trouble though, if I really did know you, or not. The first thing that popped into my head however was if you really meant it. I try to look at your face, hoping for an answer, but you still refuse to look at me. I let out a sigh, maybe you didn't really mean it after all. I guess that apology was merely for the idea of apologizing. It looks like you weren't really sorry after all. I turned around and walked away. I heard you call out my name once more, but I didn't turn back. I could feel my eyes brimming with tears. I don't know why though. I thought I had forgotten. I thought I had moved on. I thought I had finally found happiness without you. I thought that I was finally strong enough to carry on, and live what you can call a 'normal' life; like you did 7 years ago.
You had no idea did you? That I was there. I saw everything. How you made an excuse of being busy when I asked if I could come over to your place. How you two passed by the park I would always sit and watch the sunset whenever I have troubles with Yuuta. You must have forgotten that huh, or did you really want me to see how you were holding her hand while walking towards a coffee shop. How you didn't mind that she rested her head on your shoulder. How you held her small face in your hands and kissed her. It hurt you know. But then again, it's what's right, isn't it? It's what is expected of us. It is what society accepts. I should've known that a man like you would hold his morals in high regards. But that didn't stop me from feeling a pang in my chest.
I guess it was just my imagination, how your gaze would linger a second longer than usual when you'd look at me. How you would actually make the effort to walk with me on our way to school and to walk me home. How your touch would seem a lot gentler when you would hold me. All of those, I guess were just fantasies created by my lovesick mind. Hoping, praying that like how I fell for you, you would fall for me too.
I'm not sure if you knew but I did love you. I've always had. All I ever wanted was to let you know how I feel, and hope that you were feeling the same way about me too. All I wanted was you. I wanted was to have your arms around me. I want you to be happy, and I had hoped to be the one to make you happy. But seeing you happy with her; I couldn't take it. It hurt me to see that I couldn't be the one to make you happy. Then I decided if I really did want you to be happy I have to let you go. And so I did.
When I found out that you were leaving for Germany, I felt hopeful. Maybe it's the key to getting over my obsession over you. I actually planned on leaving first, then coming back a totally different person in the hopes that one day; you'll be able to find it in your heart that you love me too. But you would always defy my expectations. I heard that you wanted to see me before you go but I didn't think I'll be able to handle seeing you leave. So I made up random excuses just to get out of having to see you.
When you left, I refused to talk to anyone. I hated people seeing me cry. I hated being weak. I just wanted to be alone. I don't know if anyone told you, but I had refused to keep in contact with any of them after that. Even Eiji. Mind you, he didn't stop calling me for the first few weeks after your departure but pretty soon he gave up. After you left, I spent the first few weeks visiting all the placed that we went to together. I wanted to pretend you never left. I wanted to pretend that even for a short period of time, that you loved me too, and that soon, you'll come back with me. But I knew it was useless; that I was just hurting myself even more. After a few months, I decided that I wanted to travel. I wanted to take my mind of things. I wanted to take my mind off you. So I left Japan. It took me a while but I did it. You should be proud of me. I had managed to stand on my own without having to depend on you. Are you happy? I hope you are. Look at how far I've come.
"So, you're back huh? Are you here to gloat?" I ended up asking myself as I crashed on my bed that night. After a long walk, taking as many detours as I could before heading home I had finally managed to clear my mind, or did I somehow numbed my mind of all thoughts. I'm still having trouble distinguishing the two. It's funny how your arrival had managed to throw me off my carefully planned game. I felt exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. I never knew that I could still have tears to cry over you. I thought I had long since run out after you turned me down. I glanced at my clock, it told me it was only half pass 8; would you still be awake at that time? I was afraid I would be disturbing your precious time with her, but I figured it was wrong of me to just leave you like that so I decided to call you, wondering if your number still hasn't changed after all these years.
"Hello?"
Your voice sounded through the phone, I couldn't help but smile.
"I'm surprised you still haven't changed your number after all these years." I said, unable to conceal the laugh in my voice.
I could hear you inhale sharply, it looks like you weren't expecting me to call you huh.
"I refused to change it, in case you'd decide to call."
I could hear the joy in your voice, you actually sound hopeful. I just don't understand why.
"Well, I was wondering if you'd like to meet up tomorrow." I asked, ignoring your previous statement, despite the fact that I could feel the heat rise up to my face.
"I-uh I- of course. I don't have anything planned."
I couldn't help but let out a small laugh at how you stuttered. It wasn't like you to act like this.
"Great. I guess I'll be seeing you then?"
"8am, the usual."
The usual. I'm surprised you still remembered the café we would usually drop by to have breakfast every Saturday before practice.
"Alright. See you then."
"Fuji."
You call my name again but this time, you call me by my surname, not my first name, and unlike earlier today, this time it feels familiar. Like something I grew up listening to.
"Hn?"
"I missed you."
And you said it. The three words that I was so afraid of hearing; the three words that was enough to shake my resolve.
"Good night." Were the last words I spoke before hanging up, completely ignoring your previous statement.
To be completely honest with you, I didn't know the real reason why I wanted to see you. If you had asked me why, I would have given you one of the thousands of excuses that my mind was able to make up while thinking of the real reason why I called you and asked to meet up. But deep down inside, a part of me knew that I never wanted to see you again. Being with you confuses me, it confuses my feelings. I wanted to move on already. I have already begun to move on. But being with you, it holds me back. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I want to stop crying over you. I want to finally let you go. I want to show you that I'm already strong enough for you to stop caring so much about me. However, for some reasons, the prospect of seeing you again, of going out with you again, is an opportunity that I just couldn't pass.
I was restless that night. Perhaps I was just anxious to see you again or perhaps it was the slight possibility that I might not be completely over you yet. I have spent the last 7 years convincing myself that we are not meant for each other, it's unnerving to think that your mere appearance would be able to tear my walls down. Somehow, I needed to assure myself that we're better off where we are at, and meeting you would be the solution.
I arrived at the café at exactly 8:00 the following morning, and as usual, you were already there, seated near the window. It's surprising that I wasn't able to spot you immediately the moment I got near the café. You saw me enter the door and waved, I approached you nervously. I didn't know why I was though. You let a small smile grace your face the moment I sat down.
"Hello Fuji." You greeted.
"Hello." I greeted back, noticing once again that you called me by my surname.
"It's good to see that you're well. Would you like something to eat?" you ask casually. I nodded in response.
You called over the waiter and ordered our usual. Once again, it took me by surprise that you still remember what we used to eat. I couldn't help but smile.
"So, how are you?" You asked, turning your attention back to me once the waiter had proceeded with their order.
"I've been good." I answered. "Usually I would spend most of my time travelling nowadays, one of the reasons why I decided to be a landscape photographer."
"That's good to hear." You reply shortly.
"How about you?" I asked nervously.
"All is well. I've decided to go pro, in case you haven't heard. I've been living in Germany now."
"That's good."
Our food arrived minutes later and you took that as an excuse not to start a new conversation and start eating instead. I, however, took that as an opportunity to observe you more closely. You haven't changed a bit. Your brown hair, still styled and parted the same way as it was 7 years ago; how you still opt to wear glasses despite the numerous times and countless people telling you to get contact lenses; it seems as if time hasn't affected you at all.
Silence followed. I could see you fidgeting on your seat, unused to my silence. And I can't blame you, because to be honest, there were really a lot of things that I wanted to ask you but for some reasons, I just couldn't find the words to do so. You met my eyes uncertainly, I flash a reassuring smile and I could see you visibly relax. I couldn't help but chuckle.
"It's rare to see the great Kunimitsu Tezuka so nervous. What happened? You never felt nervous before."
You let out a soft cough, something that you would always do whenever you were caught doing something you don't normally do. I guess some things never really do change. I chuckled once again.
You took me by surprise once again when you started a conversation. It wasn't like you to speak more than your usual "Ah" and "Hn", but alas, here you are, asking me questions about my travels, what I've been doing, and if I have kept in touch with anyone after graduation.
"So, have you dated anyone recently?"
I was taken aback by your question. It was so out of the blue that it caught me off guard. I'm not sure but I feel that you're hoping I'd say no.
"Saa, I never really gave dating too much thought. I guess I still have a lot of things that I wanted to do." I smiled.
"I'm glad." I heard you whisper, but I didn't bother asking what it meant.
I looked up in time to see you smile and I couldn't help but hope that maybe you really were happy to see me.
"I'm thankful you've agreed to meet with me Syusuke. I was worried that you'd keep on running away from me forever."
I was confused.
"What do you mean Tezuka?"
You heaved a sigh. "You were my best friend Syusuke. I cared for you more than I've ever cared for anyone, and I can't bear the thought of you so far away from me." You looked deep into my eyes. "Please, don't disappear like that ever again Syusuke."
That was another first. The great Kunimitsu Tezuka begging, pleading. I could almost hear the desperation is your voice.
"Don't worry Tezuka, I won't be going anywhere for now. Our next expedition isn't for a few months, so I guess I still have the time to stick around." I smiled.
"You know that's not what I meant Syusuke."
I looked up, confused. I was about to open my mouth to ask when you strode over and wrapped your arms around me, something very uncharacteristic of you.
"Please, stay Syusuke. I know I made a mistake, but I will try to make up for it. Please just promise me, promise me you'll stay."
You're crying. I can tell. Tezuka, does that mean?
"I need you Syusuke. Please, I am begging you. I love you."
There it was, those three words that ultimately crushed my resolve.
"I know I made a mistake, I know back then I was afraid. But believe me when I tell you this Syusuke. I've changed. I know now that I don't have to fear what other people say. You are worth everything."
"Ku-kunimitsu." I was in disbelief.
You looked up, tears glistering in those deep hazel eyes. I couldn't stop myself as I reached out to caress your face. As if it's second nature, you leaned in closer, holding my hand against your face.
"I missed this." You whispered. "I missed the way you touch me, the way your hand feels against my face, they way you'd hold my close to make me feel better. I want them all back Syusuke."
You stood up, pulling me closer as you pressed your lips against mine. It was another first. You didn't care that we were in public, you didn't care that people stared, you didn't care this was something that is frowned upon in our world; you didn't care about the looks, the whispers and the judgements being thrown at us. Nothing.
"I know that I should have done that a long time ago, but I just didn't have the courage to do so." You whispered as you pulled away. "But this is the one thing that I missed the most."