The Letters That Never Came, a recess fanfic

I miss you, so unbelievably much. And I know that sounds stupid because I practically see you every day, but only you and I know that it's not the same.

Something was lost between us; it's not the same anymore. Laughing at each other's jokes, smiling at each other in the hallway or waving to each other on the street, it all feels so forced.

And I hate it because it's my fault.

Do you remember that day when we were walking home from high school together? Fall had arrived, the air was cooler, the leaves were changing color. And the wind was wrapping itself around you, making you shiver.

Do you remember when I offered you my jacket? You said yes. I overreacted. I thought it was a sign. I couldn't hold it in. I had to ask… that's when I asked you if you wanted to go to the dance with me.

And do you remember how you reacted? I do.

You stopped walking, almost looking terrified at first. And then you laughed at me, because you thought I was joking. So I forced a laugh, even though it hurt.

We stood in silence as the laughter quickly died. That's when you gave back my jacket, and that hurt even more.

Especially when I could see you were still shivering.

Nothing was quite the same after that. I wanted it to be, but you responded differently. For a while you kept your distance from me, never looking at me directly in the eye, and never telling anyone what I had asked you.

So I kept it a secret. I kept it a secret for you, hoping that soon things would turn back to normal. But they never did. They did nothing but get worse.

I was talking to Mikey. You were talking to Vince. I swear that I wasn't eavesdropping, but I heard it clearly. Almost as if I was standing next to you.

Vince asked if you wanted to go out with him.

My eyes drifted to you. You were already glancing at me. For a brief moment, we stared at each other. It had been the longest we had looked at each other for days. And then you said yes.

My world flipped upside down. I could hardly speak to anyone for the next couple of days. But I'm sure you didn't notice. You were with Vince. My best friend.

I couldn't stand it. I still can't stand it. Watching you two, so obviously happy. I've hardly spoken to you recently, but I'm not mad at you.

I could never be mad at you.

Sometimes I wonder if you miss me. If you ever think of me. Because I do about you all the time.

And whatever I did to make things this way, to mess up what we had, I'm sorry. But I want you to know I'm here. I always will be here for you, even if you can't promise me the same thing.

Whatever happens to you, wherever you go or who you end up with, I want you to know that I couldn't care about anyone more. I will always be your friend.

I just hope that one day things can return back to normal, because I miss you too much for things to continue on this way.

Love you always,

People think I'm tough, but I'm not. My secret?

I'm really nothing but a coward. And I'm sorry because I know it's messed everything up.

I know you remember that fall day, the day where everything changed. Because of me.

You had lent me your jacket. It smelled like you, the scent of dry cleaning and gum. I liked wearing it. It made me feel safe. But you've always made me feel safe.

And then you did it, you asked me that question that I so, so wanted to say yes to. I wanted to jump in your arms and hug you and… except I didn't. I just stared. And then, just like that, I couldn't.

I didn't understand for the next few days why I had to force out a laugh, why I had to make it into a joke like I always do. Especially when you were serious. It took me a while for me to realize the truth. The truth that I was a coward.

I was scared by the fact that you liked me. Because if I had agreed, if I had gone with what I wanted and what you wanted, everything would be different between us. And I realized I wasn't ready for different yet, I realized I was scared of it.

But I guess that it was stupid of me because from then on everything was different. I was different.

I couldn't help it. As confusing as it is, I didn't want you to like me. Even though I loved how you treated me, I just wanted you to treat me like you used to back in grade four, when you thought nothing more of me but a tomboy.

So that's why I said yes. That's why I started going out with Vince. Please try to understand, I never liked Vince the same way I liked you.

And that makes me even more of a horrible person for using him.

But I hoped that you would get over it, get over everything and then things could just go back to normal. Only they didn't. They just got worse until now I hardly ever see you. And I talk to less and less each day.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like. Where would we be now if I had just agreed to go with you? You wanted me to say yes, I wanted me to say yes, and yet I was too scared. Would things be better if I had just sucked it up a little?

Probably.

So I write this to you to apologize. I'm sorry I did this to you. Because never have I ever wanted to hurt you, but I know I did.

I'm sorry I'm such a coward

I miss you so much, and I hope that one day I'll be able to fix my mistake. I hope that one day everything will just fall back into place. I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me.

Love you always,

Spinelli

The letters were written on the same night. They were both signed and stuck into envelopes. They were to meant to be mailed, meant to explain everything.

But both letters ever only left the house buried deep in the trash, ripped into shreds.

And so their secrets stayed like that, ignored in hopes of being forgotten. But we all know the longer you keep a secret hidden, the stronger it becomes, dying to be revealed. So they slowly began being ripped further, and further apart.

Just like the letters that never came.

Vintage88