I got bored... After eating 20 more times over my normal recommended dose of sugar!! So what does a young, insane, author do...? MAKE AN EXTREMELY VIOLENT CRACKFIC! MWAHAHA!!

Scout's (not so) Epic Crackfic Adventure!!

Scout was hungry. In the middle of Area 64278, the desert made people hungry. He didn't know why. Medic said it was something about "exhaustion," and "Global Warming," but Scout thought he was hallucinating again, so he hit him in the head with a baseball bat. He walked into the mess hall filled with tons of other people and grabbed a sandwich.

The last sandwich...

"MAH SANDVEECH!!" Heavy yelled. Scout looked up after taking a bite. "YOU TOOK MAH SANDVEECH?! OMFG YOU MUST DIE!!! YOU ALL DIE!!!" He took his 4 million dollar gun, and starting shooting everyone with 200 dollar bullets. Then the economy randomly collapsed even more. Scout took refuge under a table, where Spy was eating a jar filled with honey.

"Nice one, dumbass. Now you have to steal a sandwich from the blue team." Spy unenthusiastically said.

"Why do I have to go all the way over there?" Scout questioned.

"Because we are all out of sandwiches. And using this sandwich tracker," Spy then held up a PDA-like gadget. "The nearest one is in the Blue team's base."

"Isn't there somewhere else I can get a sandwich?"

"No. It's either at the blue team's base, or the North Pole." Spy explained. "And I heard Santa's got a machine gun. Okay, now you are going to need lots of tools, so you need to go to the armory, and grab mines, several cloaking devices, glass eyeballs, bandages, combs, ski masks, rocket launchers, a list of items, a banana, a belt with a banana attached, and-"

However, Heavy had shot Spy in the head, and his head violently exploded, blood squirting everywhere!

"NOW YOU DIE FUR TAKIN MAH SANDVEECH!!!" Heavy yelled, shooting his gun at Scout.

Scout jumped in slow-motion, as the bullet nearly missed his leg. Heavy fired more bullets, that all epically missed in a Matrix-like style. "HA!" Scout gloated. Suddenly, he was hit in the back by an abnormally large bullet, and was pushed into a wall.

But lived...

Aww...

"OW! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!" Scout screamed, running out of the mess hall, with Heavy following. Scout ran into the armory, where he grabbed all that stuff, plus some candy in case he wanted to go on an extreme sugar buzz!

Later dat day

Scout ran through another base, looking for the all-mighty sandwich. He simply walked through the front door, and the guards let him in after he bribed them with toast. He had checked a room, to see a physicotic Medic.

"l0l0l0l0l!!" Laughed the stupid l33t talking Medic. "I hz d0n35 i7!!11!!11!!!!!one!!!eleven!! I, 73h fUkil\lg 3piC M3diiC, hz cR337Ecl 7eh M0z7 w3zum iN\/3n7iOn 1n 7eh wurdL!!!11!!shift+1!!!1!11!!!!!!111!!!One hundred and eleven!!"

Annoyed by the jackass's taunt, Scout threw a bomb in the room. The idiot Medic looked at it.

"OMFG!!!!11!! iT'5 c00k3e!!!!1111!!one!!!!1!" Medic chuckled like a deranged fangirl. He took the bomb (that looked like one of those old-fashion bombs) and ate it whole. "OMFG, I7 S0 YuMmEE!!!11!!1!!eleven!!!"

And then the idiotic Medic blew up into 576927837495 pieces, despite that being humanly impossible. Scout ran inside the room and laughed. So then he grabbed a random sandwich that the Medic was about to eat.

"HA! OWNED!" Scout yelled all superior like. However, then a blue Soldier and Demoman came into the room. Being the drunk bastard he was, Demoman fell over as soon as he saw Scout.

Soldier stared oddly at the Demoman, then at Scout. "It's a spy!" However, as soon as he said that, Scout took out a huge machinegun. Soldier grabbed Demoman by his neck, and held him up. "Please let me live! I present to you this humble and tasty offering!"

Scout scratched his chin. "Well..."

"HE'S A SPY!!" Soldier yelled, getting a distant look in his eye...

flashback...

Soldier is seen killing tons of people, yelling stuff like "ZAT HEAVY IS TEH SPY! THAT PYRO IS UH SPEYE! DAT SPY IS NOT ONE OF OUR SPIEZ!!!"

End flashback

"Ahh... good times..." Soldier said, leaning back.

However, a blue Heavy busted through the door, and started shooting people. "MAH SANDVEECH!!! U DIE NOW!!!" He yelled, shooting Scout. Scout ran out of the room, with Heavy still shooting his ass.

After about 20 butt shots Scout survived, he stopped at a corner, and dropped some Demoman bombs. "Yes! Now to wait for the fat asshole to come..." He ran away, and Heavy came towards the corner, staring at the bombs with wonder.

"Oooh... Shiny..."

NUKE!!!

"Haha! Dumbass!" Scout taunted after the huge explosion. He then randomly smacked into a wall. "I'm in pain now!"

"FRENCH TOAST!" A random Engineer yelled. "FRENCH TOAST!" He came out of no where, and started to shoot Scout. Scout was hit many times, and was shot off the balcony. He lived however. "YEEEAAAAAAAAH!! TOAST!" Engineer yelled.

Falling ever so dramatically, he suddenly found himself over Area OVER 9000!! It was a similar place, only weirder.

"Here, we have the world's largest pillow!" The female announcer yelled. "And we shall place it, right next to, the world's largest, painfullest, evilest, stankiest, cactus farm."

"AHHH!!!!!" Scout yelled from above. He landed on the pillow, bounced off, and landed in the cactus farm.

After he plucked all of the needles off, he grabbed his machine gun. "DIE YOU!!"

You can imagine what happens to the announcer next...

After Scout cleaned some blood off his machete, Scout continued to walk back to his base. He randomly bumped into a blue Scout.

"Hey!" Said the red Scout. "You look like me!"

"Umm... yeah... So I heard that Heavy's getting impatient, so why not give that sandwich to me, so I can give it to him?" Said the blue Scout.

It might have been because the red Scout became colorblind after his fall, but he grinned, and said "Sure thing buddy!"

He gave the blue Scout the all-mighty sandwich that he killed everyone for. He walked back to his base...

Later...

"And that's how it happened." Scout finished. He was now in a dark room with only Spy.

"You dumbass! The blue guys are the enemy! No matter what class they are!" Spy yelled.

Scout pondered this. "Oh. Okay!" He grabbed his gun and shot Spy in the head. "I saw you blue yesterday!"

Heavy randomly burst through the door. "DIE ALL OF YOU!!!"

And he shot Scout. And he died.

Engineer busted down another wall and yelled "YEAH TOAST!!"

Soon, he and Heavy got into a nuclear gunwar that ended with the entire world being blown to bits, killing everyone; including you, the reader.

The Really Crappy End!

In truth, I don't really have Team Fortress 2, but I watched "Meet the Dumbasses," so that counts, right? Maybe I'll get it someday.

Thanks for reading the fanfiction equivalent of Youtube Poop!