Body This is just before the series finale (of course I can't remember the name) and frighteningly enough its based on a dream I had so has no basis in the "real" world. Be kind, rewind. Well that made no sense.....Oh and the title is from No Doubt's song "Suspension Without Suspense" off The Return of Saturn LP.

Suspension Without Suspense

I step up the last stair and round the corner.

I know this place. I spent some time here. Everything is familiar but I get the impression it shouldn't be. I ignore the latter feeling.

I'm looking for people I know. At first my wanderings are random, looking into room windows for fellow inmates I've left behind. They are inmates; we were held captive against our will. However this aimless wandering feels familiar too. I used to do this during my stay though it wasn't allowed; though my door was locked though discovery meant punishment.

My feet are leading me while my mind wanders. I become aware of myself for the first time. My hands are in the pockets of a long black coat. I'm wearing black slacks and black shoes but I don't know if they are loafers or boots. My shirt is some light color I can't determine. I walk silently down silent halls, down halls of muted noise, down halls with an electrical hum.

And as I look up, finally aware of myself and the hostile world I have returned to, I find my feet have led me home. This was my corridor. My prison is somewhere down this aisle.

But this isn't what I am looking for. In finding my "home" I have discovered my reason for coming back to this place. I am looking for a child. There are many children here. I was one of them. I am looking for his child.

Surprisingly and without knowing how, I know where he, the child, is. I look into his room. Its not far from where mine was. It is a mess and much more stark than I remember them being. Then again the only rooms I saw were the girls' during my stay.

I don't see him. Strangely I am not upset. As I turn away from the little window I notice chubby child legs amidst the chaos of his bed. I don't go back.

Now my second objective, the father: I look into the next room. It sits on the inside of a right angle, a stairwell on its other side. The father stares back at me through the window. I hadn't expected to find him so soon.

A body dressed as he, in the whites and grays of this place, passes between us. His back is toward me. I don't know who he is, though I think I should, as he stands so close his head is not visible.

When he passes I think I see hope in the father's eyes. His name whispers in my mind. The mask never breaks; he can't afford to let it. I watch his eyes flicker from mine to his captor. A pacer, I do know him. I turn and leave and wait for an opening.

I don't think of it in those terms, but it is what I feel nevertheless. Once again I find myself at the threshold of my room, a carpeted isolation chamber with two beds.

It is as I left it. I don't know how long I've been gone but it hasn't been very long I think. Mine was the bed closest to the door, the day bed. I wasn't allowed near the other or its closet and bureau space. I had a roommate once. She stayed for one day. I sit on the bed and remember when one of Them found me on the other bed. He slapped me and I fell to the floor. I remember sitting on my bed clutching a purple pillow much as I did now.

Calmly I look out the door and round the corner. The man is leaving. Before I turn away the father and I make eye contact. I have to go back into what was my room or be caught. I wait a few moments more -- to live in memory than for his sake. But I can't, and don't want, to stay there forever.

I walk out of my old prison my purple and wood gold prison and into the hallway. I don't check them.

Although I'm sure the cell I open the door without problem. I remember getting out of my room with similar ease. I simply do not question it. As I stand in the threshold the father cuts his eyes from me to the direction of his son's room. Turning I understand, They have left the child's room open.

"Adam," I whisper and rush in. I pick the child up. The plan was worked out between the father and I when our eyes met.

"Hi Adam," I say quietly, calmly to the scared boy in my arms, stroking his hair. "Me and your Daddy are going to get you out of here, okay." I think he nods into my chest. "Okay. Can you do Aunt Nikita a favor and show me how strong you are? That's right wrap your arms around me real tight." When I feel the pressure on my neck and around my waist I know we are ready.

The father is waiting for us in the corridor. I know the way but he takes point. With my chin I direct him to the stairwell, "That way."

We run.

He doesn't know this one. "All the way down," I instruct. We hit the third floor. His eyes question me. "All the way down." The child is growing heavy in my arms. "Aunt Nikita can't feel how strong you are Adam," I whisper. "Good boy."

His eyes questioned me again. "Keep going." Down, we keep going down the long stairwell that haunted me until we reach the basement.

I will later remember that this is not the exit I mean. There is another deeper in the bowels of the compound but I have fallen under his confidence. His lack of knowledge neither alerts nor bothers me.

"Hold Aunt Nikita tighter," is become rote but works.

I don't know how but the father has a gun. I assume it has always been. He opens the basement door. No security alarms go off though they should. Still I don't realize we are in the wrong place.

Outside the air is cool and wet. A haze of fog hangs over the green grounds. That Adam and I will go first is a given. The father will cover for us.

He puts his hand on my shoulder. My eyes question him. He directs them to a ramp close to our shadowed doorway. Anger, fear and frustration flood me. We back away hoping the guard with the gun, the ear-mike and specs hasn't seen us. We know he has.

"No," I say, hurt and denial rich in one word. "No."

He looks at me, the mask broken. I have never seen fear on this man's face. "Yes." We run up the stairs hoping they are merely coming from behind.

"No," I think I scream but I haven't.

They converge before we make it to the first floor. Someone grabs my leg. I fall and kick him off. The child needs no prodding to hold tight.

"Come on," the father begs me.

I look up as another team pushes through the first floor door. We are hopeless. Their guns are trained on us. "Michael," I scream.

He fires no shots but is gunned down. I feel pain lance through my back and shoulder. As I fall I think, "Please let it not have hit Adam. Please God not Adam."

Strangely I remember walking toward the compound. I remember walking across the grounds, coat open, hands in my pocket. I remember walking past Control. No one noticed me. Remember walking past armed guards without worry. It seems I have a knack for going unnoticed.

Michael and I are on the floor. They surround us. I hear another shot but I don't know who it is for.

I remember thinking Michael will want to know why I am here. I remember thinking, "I had to go on this mission if only because I know this place." I remember thinking; "I respect this dangerous man; I empathize for him." I remember thinking, "Well just walk out of here." I remember thinking "Oh God let them think I'm dead so at least I can save the child."