BATTLEGROUNDS
"Look at me!"
No response, only small tremors in your hand.
"Please ..." My voice pleaded .. "Open your eyes... Please.. Open.."
Tears welled up behind my eyes. I felt a tear espacing and making its trail down my cheek..
"No .."
A whisper escaped my lips as you let out your last breath.
This godforsaken planet went quiet; no more battlecries, no more clashing from metal on metal, no more silent cries for losing loved ones.
Only dust left, made into small swirls by the oncoming wind. My knees and back were hurting, but what did it matter?
Distant gunfire pulled me out of this haze I was in.
Shouting. Yelling. A man's voice. "Carter!" More shouting. "Doc!". Gunfire. No, a staffblast. I lifted my head, not letting go of you, your hand in mine. My eyes searching the horizon. A couple of men running into the arena. I took hold of the axe that layed beside you. Staffblasts and gunfire. The men running our way. I tightend my grip on the axe. My nerves exploding.
Again, the voice. " Carter! Doc!". Only when he was right in front of me I recognized him, he skidded to a halt. His eyes met mine, in worry. Then his eyes met you, your body. He kneeled down. "Is she ..." he asked
"Yes" the words stuck in the back off my throat. He bowed his head, not saying anything. Next to him, Teal'c kneeled down, scooping your fragile body up into his arms.
I was vagely aware of our trip through the Gate, my feet hitting the ramp, knowing that we made it home ... But 'home' felt weird and far off. 'We' wasn't complete.
Words spoken by Hammond dissapeared as soon as he saw your lifeless body. Eyes followed us, heads bowed, tears escaped eyes. And I, I was unable to feel. Numb.
The first night I didn't sleep at all. I went home; or - to be more exact - the house I live in.
Everything felt strange, out of place. I expected to start crying when I was alone, but I didn't. No tears were building up, the numbness overtook my grief.
I closed the door behind me and stood in the hallway for an hour. Just standing there.
Feeling empty. Feeling lost. Feeling nothing more.
I should talk to Cassie
It suddenly hit me that she didn't know … how could she? She was at college …
I don't remember what I said to her on the phone, don't remember what she said either. She came back the next day.
I do remember taking her into my arms, letting her cry over the loss of you; she was devistated. Cassie fell asleep on the couch; I watched over her through the night.
When the morning chased away the cold night, I shifted from under her head; heading towards the shower, putting on clothes and driving to the base.
O'Neill was the first one to spot me. "What are you doing here? Go back home; be there for Cassie"
"I need to do something; can't just sit around" was my weak protest.
He put his hand on my shoulder, repeating his words. I was surprised by the real concern in his voice. He rarely showed emotions, but this time it was shimmering through.
So I went back home, the emptiness was filling me up; surrounding me. But I had to be strong, for Cassie.
When I was able to sleep, I dreamed about you. Your face, cut up, bruised and battered. The constant noise in the background. Cries tearing through the air.
Everytime I woke up screaming, your name burning on my lips.
I could feel the dry air that surrounded us for weeks, the dust setteling on our skin, in our cage. It filled our lungs as we fought to stay alive.
They had captured us, not lang after we set foot on the planet; we asked for an explanation, but never got one. We were never anything more to them as a source of entertainment. They had lured us in, telling that 'only women were welcome for trade'; Daniel had tried to argue, but finally decided it would be best to send 'the 2 SG1 gals' in. I laughed with O'Neills statement. I agreed, seeing no harm in this expedition, you had your doubts.
Why they chose us, we will never know, but we got them the show they wanted. All they had to do, was torture one of us as leverage for the other to fight.
Their usual strategy, worked like a charm.
The audience loved us! They cheered as soon as we set foot in the arena; chills ran down my spine, every time. Still now, I can feel the wind pulling on our clothes, the cheers carried away by the dust.
Our competitors were fierce, driven, determented to kill us off for their own glory. You refused to let me fight, you had your mind set on protecting me. The audience loved that, it made us popular, it gave us a fighting chance.
It was only a couple of days after the memorial service that I met Karen.
Showing up at my doorstep, her gaze unsure. She gave me a letter. Said you asked her, 'just in case something would happen'. When I asked her who she was, she said: "It doesn't matter who I am, not yet. Read the letter. If you want to talk, call me" and with that words she handed me her businesscard.
She turned around on her heels and without another word, left.
My heart was pounding in my chest. Thoughts came rushing back. Tears treathening to spill.
A sound made me aware of Cassie's presence. A questioning look in her eyes.
She looked at the letter in my hands. "What's that?"
"A letter" I stated.
"Ok … from whom?" I could only react with a stare.
"I … I can't … I can't, Cassie", I put the letter down on the dinner table
It dawned to her. "Is it from …" she faltered. I simply nodded.
I was starting to lose it. "This isn't right …"
"This …" I pointed to the letter … "She …"
I felt tears running down my cheeks.
"She … she should be here…" Cassie took me into a hug. "... and not being …"
"I know" Cassie whispered. "I know"
From my cage I could hear you scream, the hits you took that broke your ribs, the stabs that made you bleed. But you never caved, you never surrendered.
Until that last fight.
Captive for over two weeks now; fighting every day. Every day your injuries got worse, the previous ones didn't heal like they should. I could see you crumble, falling to bits, but all you said was "It will be ok, they will come for us".
They took us away from our cell, right into the arena; I put up a fight, you willingly went with them, to tired for any form of resistance.
With the axe losely in your hand you prepared for the fight: feet in wide stance, your energy drained, but I knew you would fight until your last breath; anything to make sure I was safe.
"You should read it"
I turned around, in the direction of his voice.
"What …"
"Cassie told me about the letter"
"Ow …"
"You should really read it"
"I … no Danny, I can't … I just …"
"Why not?"
"It's just … That letter is the last of her, you know…"
He just nodded. He came closer, pulled me into a hug; the tears were bubbeling to the surface, I could feel my heart breaking into a million pieces.
"I understand … but whatever she put down on paper, she wrote it for you and for you only"
It all came crashing down, all at the same time.
The gunfire distracted us. Even before you knew what was happening your opponent floored you with a suckerpunch; you landed flat on your back, kicking up dust as you knocked the back of your head on the ground. I could hear myself scream "WATCH OUT!", but he was faster than you could avoid him.
He plunged the greatsword right in the middle of your abdomen. You didn't even scream, only stared at the sky, your eyes wide; your one hand over the wound as he withdrew the sword, your other hand sprawled next to your, only inces away from the axe.
The guy ran as soon as the gunfire came closer.
I sank to my knees, tried to stop the bleeding. Your eyes caught mine, I saw a smile on your lips, a tiny smile but it was there. Then you closed your eyes…
2 months passed since you died on that godforsaken planet. 2 months of not being able to sleep without nightmares. 2 months of long hours on base. 2 months of heartache, because I was expecting you around every corner.
I never made it home; too exhausted to even make the drive.
Cassie had stayed over a month, but needed to get back to college, so why would I bother?
She called me every day, making sure I was doing ok. "Are you sleeping? Did you eat today?"
It was almost funny, she taking care of me. I knew I would slip away if she didn't do that.
It was on one of the strange occassions of me being at home, that she appeared on my doorstep again: Karen.
"So …" she started. "You didn't call"
I almost forgot about her. "Oh … eum … no … I …"
"I assume that you didn't read the letter?"
Her voice was calm, understanding.
But I felt guilty. the letter was still on my nightstand. I tried to read it for so many times now, but I just couldn't, afraid that I would lose that last bit of you that was still in my life
Her voice broke my train of thought.
"Can I come in?"
Without a word I stepped away from the door, making room to let her in.
I led her to the back porch, the sun was setting, but it was still nice enough to be outside.
She sat down, I offered her a drink, she accepted.
"I'm sorry to be so blunt, but who are you?" I asked. Now that this woman was here again, I just needed to know. You knew her well enough apparently, but I never heard you speak about her.
"She asked me to check up on you after some time", still avoiding my question
"She was worried about how you would react when she …" she faltered, staring at her feet "... when she passed away."
"passed way"... she did know how to put it nicely.
We were both quiet, our thoughts taking control of the space between us.
A smile curved her lips. "She made me promise, like a million times, to check up on you, to make sure you would be ok"
Her eyes locking on mine.
"She loved you, you know" her voice cracked when she spoke those words.
I nodded. "She was … is my best friend; and a good friend at that" For the first time since long the memory of you made me smile. You were the best friend i could've imagined. So loyal, so true.
For an intense moment, she looked at me and then stated again "You didn't read the letter".
"No …"
"You should"
"I can't …"
"But you should"
Why was I even listening to her? I didn't even know her. But i guess the fact that she knew you was enough for me.
Without speaking, I stood up and got upstairs. The letter was still were i left it almost 2 months ago. With hesitation, I picked it up and took it downstairs. Putting the letter on the table between me and her, I sighted and sat back down.
"I know this is hard, but I'm here"
She took the letter and put it in my hands.
"Read it … she wanted you to"
With trembeling hands I opened the envelop…
"I really don't even know how to start this letter.
Well, I can say, when you read this, I will be MIA or probably dead.
I know that will be hard on you, on Cassie and I'm sorry for all the pain it will cause the both of you.
If there was a way to prevent it, I would. But you know how those things go. There is never certainty. EVery time a mission comes up, these things can happen.
But you know, I had so many wonderful years in my life, so many things I've seen and done, so many people in my life I can call friends.
Despite all the dangers I faced while being in the army, I would never trade it for anything else. Because that would mean I would never meet you and never have Cassie in my life.
And I can't imagine a life without you two.
I felt so welcome, so at home, every time you opened up your home to me. So at ease; the world could explode, I would not notice.
Whatever would happen, you were always there to catch me, always there to patch me up … you were just always there. I can't thank you enough for that.
You once told me I was your truest friend. That filled my heart with joy, it really did.
When the most loving person you've ever known, tells you something like that, the only right thing to be is humble.
But I have to be honest too, although it is only trough a letter that you'll be reading when I'm not around any more.
At the same time I was hurt. Not that there was anything you could do about it.
I always hoped, deep within my heart, that there could be more to 'us' than only friends. I know, I know … there was never a possibility. If it wasn't because of military rules, it would be because … well, as they say 'you don't swing that way'.
But I did love you, with all of my little scared heart.
And if there is a possibility that I could choose a loved one to spent my eternal afterlife with, it would be you.
I hate saying 'goodbye', you know that, right?
So I will say 'See you later', whenever and wherever that may be.
With love,
Sam"
The world went silent.
I couldn't breathe. The air squeezed from my lungs. Then it all came rushing back in and I started to hyperventilate. I slipped of the chair and sank to my knees.
In one moment of total insanity I started crying, uncontrolably; big heavy sobs; hysterical crying.
I felt two strong arms wrapping around me and without thinking I fell into Karen's embrace.
I clenched your letter in my hand, I would never let go.
And then everything went black …
I woke with a heavy head, in my own bed, dressed in my pyjamas.
A mid-day sun was shimmering through the curtains; a distant noise pulled me from a sleep induced haze.
I stumbled downstairs, following the sound, seemingly emerging from the kitchen.
I have to admit: I wasn't expecting… well, I don't know who I was expecting, but it wasn't her.
She must have felt my presence, because she stopped what she was doing and turned around.
"Hi …"
I could only look at her, standing in my kitchen, working her way towards some kind of meal, like she belonged there.
"How did you sleep?"
Silence. She continued.
"You slept for some time …" She checked her watch. "... Almost 30 hours …" A smile. "Guess you needed it, huh?"
I slept for 30 hours … Oh my god! I slept for 30 hours!
"I need to get to the base ... " I stated; "I'm already late …"
I turned around, but before I could reach the stairs, a hand caught mine, holding me back.
"They already called … A general I think … eum, Hammond?"
She smiled, and again, I could only stare.
"I'm sorry I picked up your phone … I …"
"That's ok" I managed to say. Still standing there, her hand on mine, in my hallway.
What happened? I couldn't remember …
As if she could read my mind, she said "You passed out last night. I took the liberty to put you in bed, I hope that's ok?"
Just nod Fraiser, what are you doing?! Get your head out of your ***
"I'm … I'm .. sorry, I need to sit down"
Letting go of her hand, I dragged myself to the couch, wondering why it was so hard to stand up. My head was killing me. I layed down; even before my head touched a pillow, I passed out again.
"You don't have to do this, Sam. There will be another way. They will come for us.", the panic rised in my voice
"No Janet, there is no other way. I will do this, I'm a good fighter and Teal'c tought me a couple of Jaffa fighting tricks."
You kneeled before me, searching for eye contact, holding my hands. "It will be fine, Jan, I will be fine. And it's only for a couple of days, max. The guys will come looking for us and this will all be over in no time."
You smiled that sweet smile of yours again; the one that I could never resist.
"Trust me on this. I will make sure nothing happens to the both of us, and this way I'm sure I can protect you."
They pulled you away, leaving me behind in our cage. You spoke reassuring words, I screamed "No! Don't do this! Please! Please!"
"Nooooooo !"
I jerked upright, feeling the sweat on my back.
"Ssst … it's ok … sst …"
She is here, again …
"Ssst … it was only a bad dream …"
"Sam …" I whispered your name, "Oh Sam … why?" Tears streaming down my face. The only thing my body was able to do was cry, cry for as long as I could.
The strong arms took me in an embrace again, I didn't resist.
I lost track of time. Falling in and out of sleep, with nightmares and flashbacks; it was exhausting.
Every time I woke, she was there. Taking care of me. I needed to know who she was, why she was here. But I was too damn tired.
The last time I woke, I felt rested. The house felt warm and the smell of food welcomed me into the world.
It was the second time now that I found Karen in my kitchen, preparing food, working her away around the kitchen like she belonged there. One way or another, the whole picture felt so right. She moved in a way I've seen before and then it hit me: she reminds me of Sam. A smile curved my lips. Sam.
"You are up again", her words pulled me out of my thoughts. She smiled.
This time I smiled back, even managed to speak
"Yeah …"
"How do you feel?"
"Rested"
"Ow, that's good. And right on time, 'cuz dinner is almost ready", with that she pulled some plates from the cupboard.
"How long have I been sleeping?"
"Well …" she chuckled "for about 2 days now" Her bright eyes sparkled.
"Wow …" i mumbeld; it didn't feel like that long, althought I must admit, it did some wonders.
I sat across from her at the dinnertable; we finished our meal in silence.
She cleaned the table, disappeared in the kitchen and came back with a bottle of wine and two glasses.
"Sam told me you like a good glass of wine" she said while putting down the glasses and unscrewing the bottle. "So, I pulled a nice bottle from my cellar"
She handed me a glass and I sipt
"Mmm … that is some fine wine right there" I smiled at her and was rewarded equally.
As we settled into the living room, she spoke, almost out of nowhere.
"I'm sure you have some questions … for me …"
i looked up, straight into her eyes"
Eum … yes … I …" With all my will, I couldn't even come up with a single stupid question, although my mind had been swarmed with them.
She noticed I came up empty
"Well, maybe I just start talking … if you having any questions … shoot, ok?"
I nodded.
Later that evening, Karen went home, made me promise to call if I needed anything.
She left me and my mind, wondering about you.
I walked over to the bookcase and pulled a photoalbum. I sat down on the couch, shifting trough all the photos we took over the past years; or to be more exact, since Cassie came into our lives.
My fingertips touching the surface of the pictures, lingering around your face.
How could I not have known what you felt? Well, actually I shouldn't be suprised, because you thought that I didn't 'swing that way'.
If you only had known … and if I had known too … maybe we could've … Stop it! Don't go there .. just don't … you'll be more hurt than you already are …
The truth was, I was hurt for years now … I had loved you since the first time we met. Everything about you made my knees weak and my heart beat at an incredible speed.
I loved it when we became friends, but it got hard when you came around more, because of Cassie.
The three of us, was so right, so complete, that I could feel my heart break every time you left. When you decided to spent the night, I just wanted to jump up and down, like a child who got a piece of candy.
But then again, there was always a time you had to leave, so I went from joy to sadness in the blink of an eye. Many times I wondered if you knew how you made me feel, but I kept thinking "No she doesn't because she doesn't see you that way"
But I knew what I felt, I knew how my heart stopped beating every time you came back from a mission wounded.
My heart really broke when you started dating, when there was that cop, that in the end even asked your hand in marriage. There were nights I cried myself to sleep, wishing I could him, that I'd be the one to hold you at night, the one that would make love to you. And then I woke up, picked up all my pieces, put on a smile and be your friend.
Now I knew so much more about you, things you never told me or even gave a clue that these things circled your thoughts.
You and Karen had been an item for many years, until you transfered to the SGC. But you stayed friends, really good friends.
You told her everything, even classified stuff, how much you loved your job, how 'awesome' the technologies were that you encountered.
And you also told her about me…
You told her about first meeting me, about becoming friends, about Cassie, about many saturdays and many 'girls nights'; how you struggled with your feelings; that you loved me but immediatly wrote it off as "never gonna happen", how you suffered being around me, wishing against all odds that we could become an 'item'. But then you were reminded about the rules and you felt alone. So you tried it 'the old fashion way'; the cop thing.
You spoke so many times about telling me, about just taking the risk, even if it meant that you would lose it all. But in the end you were afraid … not for yourself, but for me. You felt that you didn't have the right to make that desicion for me. So you kept your mouth shut.
There was that time when you started to think about all the dangers you faced in your job; how the people you would leave behind had to cope.
So you started to write letters, to all of the important people in your life. You wrote one for every member of SG-1 and asked Hammond to keep on to them. The one you wrote for me, you gave to Karen; you made her promise to deliver it personally and be there when I needed her.
And so she did.
I had lost you once, but now I felt like I lost you a second time. This time I lost the Sam I wished for for so long, but never got.
If we had been more courageous … Don't go there … If only …
I could only wish that I had kissed you, right there, in the arena, when I felt your life slip away; then at least you would have known that I loved you as much as you loved me.