Just a small thing I needed to get out after the "Recoil" episode finished. Thanks for reading!
Kate stabs her pointer finger into the power button on the remote and the TV before them goes black, Senator Bracken's smiling face no longer mocking her. They sit for a second, on her couch, surrounding by a deafening silence that neither knows how to properly break.
"Beckett?"
She sighs. "Kate," she mumbles under her breath. Castle doesn't really hear her.
"What?" he inquires. But she doesn't answer, so naturally he continues. "Look, Beckett, why don't we finish off this bottle of wine, and then head off to-"
"Kate," she says, this time a little more forcefully, and its enough to stop him in his tracks. He waits for her to start talking again because he is lost. "I want to be Kate." She stares at the shiny black screen in front of her and doesn't turn towards him.
"Okay…" Castle answers. "Umm. Help me out here?"
"I just don't want to be Beckett right now, okay?" She's talking softly again, and he leans in behind her, careful to catch all of the words. "I spent the last few days being nothing but Beckett. For now, this is all over, and I'd like to just be Kate." She turns to him now, and looks him in the eye to make sure he gets it. She's going to be communicative now, so hopefully he'll get it when she shuts down later. She can feel it coming.
"I'm confused about a lot of things I did and didn't do in the past few days. But right now I'd really like to go back to when I wasn't confused about my position on him. I'd like to be mad at the force for giving me the instinct to save Bracken, whether it was actually the right thing to do or not. Tonight, I just want to blindly hate the man who killed my mother and not have to act or pretend otherwise."
"Okay."
"That's it?"
"Kate," he says, making sure to put some extra emphasis on her name and earning himself painful smile from her, "When I told you how remarkable you were, I meant it. Wholeheartedly."
Kate places a hand on his knee and squeezes, she hasn't known how to take a compliment for a long time. She bows her head and lets her hair shield her face just slightly as he continues.
"But I'm here for everything else too. For the maybe a little less remarkable parts. The parts where you'd just like to be human and angry and confused and tired and whatever else." He smiles down at her, and takes the hand on his knee, grasping it with his own fingers.
"Thanks Castle."
She tucks a loose clump of hair behind her ear and stands, never letting go of his hand.
An hour later and neither Kate nor Rick have spoken another word. He keeps looking over at her nervously, wondering how she's doing and what he should be doing to help her. He sort of just assumed that he was staying over, and together they cleaned up her kitchen, changed out of their work clothes, and got ready for bed.
She's at the sink, specifically not looking at him as she finishes brushing her teeth, but she can feel his eyes at her back and it's getting harder and harder to avoid his gaze. She wants to look into those eyes, to get lost in them for a while. But she doesn't think she can stand all of the pity she knows she will see there.
She finishes with her teeth, and throws the toothbrush back onto the counter. Grasping the sides of the sink with two hands, she hunches over it. Her elbows locked, her knuckles white, and then she takes a deep breath in, letting it fill her lungs so thoroughly it actually hurts.
He is behind her then, sneaking his hands around her waist and underneath her arms, pulling her back to him. She releases the breath she had been holding with a sigh and lets her head fall back onto his shoulder.
They make eye contact a few seconds later, when she finally turns her head towards him. They stay that way for a few seconds, just breathing. Her eyes flick down to his lips involuntarily but shoot right back up before he knows what is happening.
"Bed?" Kate whispers.
He doesn't answer, just takes her hand and begins to walk in that direction.
They settle in, he on his back and her cuddled into his side, her head resting on his chest and her eyes, once again, staring off into the abyss of her thoughts.
"I just wish I could know what she'd be thinking right now."
She hugs him closer to her, and threads one of her legs between his, not looking for anything but simple comfort.
"Your mom?"
"Yeah. She always knew what was right and wrong and today I just… I could use some of that."
Castle nods into her hair.
"Well, I for one think she would have been proud of you," he offers.
She lifts her head from his chest and looks up questioningly at him. He just smiles. "Why? Proud of what? Castle, I basically did nothing to help in either direction."
"I don't know of anyone who could have handled themselves or the situation as well as you did. Simple as that."
She drops her eyes and they just breathe again.
Minutes pass in silence. He brings a hand down to take the hair that is threatening to hide her beautiful face and smoothes it down and behind her ear.
"I'm proud of you."
She doesn't answer, just closes her eyes and shifts slightly to burry her face into his neck, breathing in the scent of his cologne. Breathe in, breathe out. It really should be less difficult. At this point, she doesn't know if this whole ordeal gets better or worse with time. At least she has him.
She no longer feels on the verge of tears. She is sure they will come at some point, but just being here, in his arms has helped more than she ever could have imagined. She feels lighter, somehow, and gives thanks once again to the universe for this wonderful, sweet, sweet man.
"Stay, Rick?"
"Always, Kate."
Thanks for reading again! Please review and tell me what you thought. It wasn't overly fluffy but i enjoyed writing it all the same. Kate is just so beautifully strong.