This day, two years ago, was the day that set me free. No, I think with a growl at nothing in particular. Not free. I'll never be free from the cowardice that drove me here and the fears that still haunt me. The irony is not lost on me – I was driven by cowardice to the faction of the brave.
I step into the cafeteria and, weaving in and out through the crowd, make my way to the table I usually sit at with my friends.
"Any bets on first Dauntless jumper?" asks Zeke as I approach. As a general rule, when they arrive at the compound, the transfers jump first into a net suspended between two buildings. Of course, they can't see the net from where they are standing, but that was the fun of it, wasn't it?
I consider his question for a moment. "What's the wager?" I ask, grinning at him.
"Winner gives a quarter of their points for the month to the loser."
Tough wager. I usually use up all my points, doing one thing or another with them.
Just then, Lauren walks up to us. "Sounds like a good deal. My bet's on Lynne." I swear Lauren has spies all around. She's always able to enter the conversation at the right time.
"Mine's on Marlene. No offense, Zeke, but she's more likely to do it than Uriah." I grin at my friend.
Zeke's eyes flash, but he grins nonetheless. "It's probably just cuz Shauna will beat you up if you choose anyone else." I laugh and jab him hard in the ribs as he continues, "Well, I was going to pick someone else, but-" I snort. Pick someone else – yeah right. They may fight, but Zeke and Uriah are each other's number one supporters. The best kind of brothers. "-but," he says again, rolling his eyes at me, "Uriah is my pick. He'll do it."
"I wouldn't be too sure," I say, giving him a shove in the shoulder.
"Oh yeah?" asks Zeke, cracking his knuckles jokingly.
"We don't need a fight in the middle of the cafeteria, you two." It is Lauren's turn to roll her eyes at us.
I laugh and begin to walk away, motioning above us as I go. "I have to monitor the security cameras for the morning," I make a face. I like working with computers, but monitoring the security cameras is as boring as it can get. Luckily, I'm hardly ever stuck with doing that.
I walk down the hallway a little bit behind Zeke, Shauna, and Lauren. I wouldn't have volunteered again this year to train the initiates if it weren't for them – and the memories, of course. I couldn't deny it, training was the first time I had ever felt strong, especially after my childhood. The Dauntless compound – it was the first place I felt like I could do something, or be something.
I push the thoughts away, trying to force myself into the mold I have created for myself as an instructor. I give no leeway, and I'm tough, but I'm not sadistic. Not like Eric. Although maybe, just maybe, he's one more reason that I volunteered to train the initiates. I would have chosen my job differently, if I had known –
I push the thoughts back once again as we arrive at the net. No weakness. Besides, if I have to admit it, it's fun to scare the transfers – especially the Candors. Okay – it's a lot of fun.
We stand by the net, waiting for the familiar sound of the train to arrive. After a few minutes of no conversation, we hear the train coming, and then the sound of voices. One voice cuts over the rest, and I struggle to hear whose it is.
It's Max's of course, but I can't tell what he's saying.
Then, a figure steps up to the edge of the building. He or she – I can't tell which – looks small, but that's probably just a trick of the height. Then, the figure jumps, and, in a quick second, lands in the net.
I reach down to help steady her as she climbs out. She is wearing all grey. Abnegation? I think with surprise. Still, I couldn't be one to talk. The girl has blond hair that falls past her shoulders and light blue eyes. She's all skin and bones, courtesy of the plain food and minimal exercise that the people of Abnegation get. But she's still striking, in a way.
"Thank you," she says to me. I am about to reply, but then Lauren cuts in.
"Can't believe it," she says. "A Stiff, the first to jump? Unheard of." I fight the urge to roll my eyes, although it was true. I had jumped second, not first.
"There's a reason why she left them, Lauren," I tell her. Then I turn back to the girl. "What's your name?" I ask her.
She hesitates for a moment, and I can't supress the small smile that plays at my lips, remembering when I first got my nickname – the one that I still use. "Think about it," I tell her. "You don't get to pick again."
"Tris," she says firmly. I wonder what it stands for, or if it even stands for anything. I wouldn't blame her if she chose an entirely different name.
"Tris," Lauren repeats with a grin. She prods me in the back. "Make the announcement, Four."
I look over my shoulder at the ground of Dauntless behind me, waiting to hear the name of the first jumper. I don't disappoint them. "First jumper – Tris!" I say, and they cheer in that raucous way that is a trademark of Dauntless.
All of a sudden, someone else pitches themself off the roof, screaming. Everyone laughs as she falls, but when she gets up they resume cheering.
Without thinking, I set my hand on the Abnegation girl – Tris's back. I try to ignore the sudden nervousness that wells up inside me when I do this. Why is she making me nervous?
"Welcome to Dauntless," I tell her, successfully managing to ignore the nervous buzzing in my stomach.
The rest of the transfers take their turns jumping and then stand in a group off to the side. It's time for the Dauntless born to jump. Zeke and Lauren flank me on either side as the first one jumps, screaming like a girl – except that he's not one.
Uriah pops up from the net and I help him up, trying to stifle the laughter that was building from the sound of his screams.
"Shut up, Four," he growled at me when he saw my smirk.
"I'm your instructor now – you'd better stop talking to me like that." I try to say it seriously, but I still can't wipe the smirk off my face.
Uriah punches me in the side, a little harder than what would be socially acceptable, and walks off to the side to wait for his friends. I turn around and walk up to Zeke, leaving Lauren to help the remaining Dauntless-borns out of the net.
"I'll take my payment tomorrow," he says, grinning at me.
I smack him over the side of the head.
Once all the initiates are grouped together, Zeke, Lauren and I lead them back down the tunnel. All three of us put our joking and friendliness aside, trying to appear as ominous and fearsome towards the initiates as possible. We stop when we reach the end of the tunnel. I hear smacks – some of the initiates probably ran into one another after the abrupt stop.
"This is where we divide," Lauren tells them loudly. "The Dauntless-born initiates are with me. I assume you don't need a tour of the place."
She smiles at everyone and leads the Dauntless-born initiates out. She's too nice sometimes.
I wait for them to disappear completely before I introduce myself to the transfers. "Most of the time, I work in the control room, but for the next few weeks, I am your instructor. My name is Four."
"Four? Like the number?" asks a girl incredulously. She has to be a Candor.
"Yes. Is there a problem?" I glare sternly at her, any remnants of the good mood I had been in disappearing.
"No," she says.
"Good." I take my eyes off of her and continue speaking, "We're about to go into the Pit, which you will someday learn to love. It-"
The Candor girl snickers. "The Pit?" she asks. "Clever name."
I've had enough of the Candor smart mouths already. I stride up to her, brushing past the other transfers, and lean close to her, glowering.
"What's your name?" I ask quietly. When most people are mad, their tone increases in volume. I do that too, but when I'm quiet – the transfers will soon learn this – when I'm quiet, I'm dangerous.
She flinches involuntarily. "Christina," she squeaks in fear. Good – it was working.
"Well, Christina," I continue, deathly quiet, "if I wanted to put up with Candor smart-mouths, I would have joined their faction. The first lesson you will learn from me is to keep your mouth shut. Got that?"
She nods jerkily and I step away, leading the transfers out of the tunnel and trying to ignore their whispers. I pull open the set of double doors that leads to the Pit and lead them inside. I let them stand and ogle for a minute, before I decide I've had enough standing around, and I address them again.
"If you follow me, I'll show you the chasm."
I lead them towards the right side of the Pit to the railing that is the only barrier between the Pit and the chasm. I let the strangely comforting sound of the raging water wash around me. It has always helped me think, although I'm not sure why.
"The chasm reminds us that there is a fine line between bravery and idiocy!" I finally yell over the rushing of the water. It seems to add power to my voice. "A daredevil jump off this ledge will end your life. It has happened before and it will happen again. You've been warned." And it's true. Too many people try to toe the line between bravery and idiocy without the chasm, but it is only the people that ignore that line completely who jump over. Well, them and the ones who decide they don't want to live anymore. But that's something I shouldn't tell them. Not now.
I hear all the transfers exclaiming in awe at the chasm as I begin to lead them away, into the dining hall. As we enter, the Dauntless begin cheering, applauding, and stamping their feet. I remember the rush I felt the first time I entered here, and I feel it again now.
I find myself sitting beside Tris, who is in between me and Christina, for our meal. I notice Tris staring blankly at the food and try to supress a grin, remembering my first reaction to the food here. Abnegation wasn't exactly known for its culinary creativity.
I nudge her gently with my elbow to get her attention. "It's beef," I tell her, motioning to the patty in the middle of the hamburger. "Put this on it." I hand her a bowl of ketchup.
"You've never had a hamburger before?" asks Christina, looking surprised.
"No," Tris replies to her. "Is that what it's called?"
` "Stiffs eat plain food," I explain to Christina, making sure not to show any sign of my amusement at her reaction. It was pretty funny, but I was Four, the serious instructor, now.
"Why?" she asks incredulously.
Tris shrugs at her. "Extravagance is considered self-indulgent and unnecessary," she explains. Typical Abnegation.
Christina smirks. "No wonder you left."
"Yeah," Tris says drily, rolling her eyes. "It was just because of the food." I try to supress my smile again, but I can't help but let the corners of my mouth twitch upwards. It's not every day you see a sarcastic Stiff. After all, sarcasm is frowned upon in Abnegation.
Suddenly, the cafeteria goes quiet. It seems as if the air itself has gotten a few degrees colder. I look over my shoulder and see Eric entering. I silently will him not to come over here. I really didn't need that.
"Who's that?" Christina hisses.
"His name is Eric," I explain. "He's a Dauntless leader." And I could have been in his place, I add silently.
"Seriously? But he's so young," Christina says. Her Candor is showing again, and now it's really starting to get on my nerves, but I ignore it and just look at her gravely.
"Age doesn't matter here," I tell her.
She looks like she's about to ask something else, but then her eyes focus on Eric. He's making his way to our table. Great, I thought. Just what I need. He sits down in the empty seat next to me as I tense up. He doesn't say anything at first, so I allow us to sit in silence.
"Well, aren't you going to introduce me?" he asks, nodding towards Christina and Tris, in the typical I'm-better-than-you tone of voice.
"This is Tris and Christina," I tell him, nodding in the direction of each of the girls as I say their names.
"Oooh, a Stiff," says Eric, a malicious smirk on his face. "We'll see how long you last."
I want to remind him that I was a Stiff too, and that I beat him in rankings, but I stay quiet. Better to not make him angry in a crowd of people.
He taps his fingers on the table as if he's bored, but that's not likely, although I'm honestly not sure why he's actually doing it.
"What have you been doing lately, Four?" he asks me. I wonder where all this small talk is heading. It can't be good.
"Nothing, really," I tell him, not giving him the satisfaction of a straight answer.
"Max tells me he keeps trying to meet with you, and you don't show up," Eric says. Ah – now we're getting to what he wants to discuss. "He requested that I find out what's going on with you."
I look at Eric for a moment, trying to size him up and figure out if he knows what Max was wanting to talk to me about.
"Tell him I am satisfied with the position I currently hold," I tell Eric.
"So he wants to give you a job." So Max didn't tell Eric why he wanted to meet with me. Interesting.
"So it would seem," I reply vaguely. I can feel my body coiled tight as a spring. I just wanted Eric to leave.
"And you aren't interested." Thank you, Captain Obvious.
"I haven't been interested for two years," I say shortly, trying to send him the message that this conversation is over.
"Well, let's hope he gets the point, then." He claps me on the shoulder, slightly harder than he probably should have, and leaves.
I relax a little more in my seat.
"Are you two… friends?" Tris asks me. I try to supress my surprise. She is a Stiff – she should not be curious. Then again, she did leave for a reason.
"We were in the same initiate class," I tell her, hoping it will satisfy her curiosity. Then I add, "He transferred from Erudite.
"Did you transfer too?" she asks.
I growl inwardly. "I thought I would only have trouble with the Candor asking too many questions," he says coldly. "Now I've got Stiffs, too?"
With hardly a pause, she retorts, "It must be because you're so approachable. You know. Like a bed of nails." I had to hand it to her, that was witty. Very witty.
I stare at her, trying to figure her out. She catches and holds my gaze. I can't help but notice that she has nice eyes, and I can't help but mentally berate myself afterwards. I notice heat rushing to her cheeks, and I wonder what she is thinking.
"Careful, Tris," I warn her, choosing to break off the stare rather than see where it might lead, because that could be awkward.
I hear Zeke call my name and I get up and move over to his table.
"What was that about?" he asks when I reach them, motioning to Eric.
"Same thing as Max has been bugging me about," I tell him darkly.
"Have you ever considered taking the spot? You'd make a better leader than Eric," he says sourly.
"No I wouldn't," I glower. Zeke looks surprised so I elaborate. "Even if it were me, Max wouldn't let me do anything without his approval. It would be the same thing."
"Yeah, except for the fact that you're – you know, nice?"
"Shhh!" I grin at him. "We can't let that secret get out. I've got one or two very scared transfers, and I intend to keep it that way." I turn serious again, "It still wouldn't matter. Max would have me under his thumb." Before Zeke can argue, I add, "I have to go. Computers are calling." I grin at him and walk out, leaving him standing there stuttering behind me.