This is something that occurred to me a while ago, after I watched Madara tell Sasuke his sad and emo sob story, but I've only just finished it.
Warning: Slightly dark theme. Seriously, this is the most violent thing I've written (so far, hehehehe). Hopefully, that doesn't overshadow the humor… Also, Sakura is beating up Sai—that's not unusual, but don't get the wrong idea… yeah. I haven't spent too much time considering what they get up to in their private time.
I haven't read or watched recent chapters or anime so spoilers regarding Madara don't apply.
It's all Madara's Fault
They waited in the shadows, hidden from two of the greatest shinobi that ever lived.
It is odd to have that description for those two men, considering the ones in the shadows were also "the greatest ninja ever". Two of their group of five had been taught by a kage, two more by kage-level shinobi, and the last by a psychopath that wished he was a kage.
But now, these shinobi were focusing on the battle between the men at the waterfall. The waterfall, this group of ninja knew, would be carved with statues of the two men. This valley would become known as the Valley of the End in this group's time, and maybe later, two of their members would have their own fight there. At least, that's what they did originally.
Now, the five ninja—four males and one female—waited until the Uchiha founder fell, and the giant fox summoned for the epic battle dispelled. Senju Hashirama walked over to Uchiha Madara slowly, and checked his pulse.
The crowd—not the ninja crowd, but the actual crowd from this timeline—waited with their breath held for his announcement.
"He is dead," Hashirama spoke, and the valley suddenly erupted in a cacophony of cheers.
"Stupid asshole," one of the ninja in the shadows muttered. "How did he even stop his breathing like that dattebayo?" He was referring to the Uchiha, not Hashirama.
"You mean stop his heart," the female corrected her blonde companion who had discarded his Hokage robes for this mission.
"Right, right," he agreed.
"He does have that time/space manipulation technique," their former team leader reminded them.
"The forbidden one?" one of the pale ninja asked, a smile on his face that was wholly unsuited to the occasion.
The other pale ninja snorted, nodding his head in agreement. "That's the one. Except it isn't a problem for him, because he has Izuna-san's eyes."
The other four tried not to shudder, knowing their comrade had his own brother's eyes, too. But he wouldn't when they returned. And he would never need to.
For the next part of their mission began now, as the valley cleared and the crowd returned back to Konoha, the new village Hidden in the Leaves.
"Aren't they even going to bury him?" the blonde asked, disgusted.
"They didn't originally," the Uchiha among them pointed out. "How else would he have gotten away?"
"Yeah, but..."
"Shh!" the pink-haired girl harshly reminded them. "He's going to try to leave at dark and we need to spread out now."
They nodded, not wanting to argue with her when she had the strength to punch them through the ground and out through the other side of the world.
"I wonder if you'll still be this strong in the future, Sakura-chan," Naruto mused.
"I don't know. I don't think it would change just because of this, would it? I mean, being a strong ninja is still important," Sakura, the female, said.
"It's not like you'll even know," Sasuke pointed out. "When we go back, we'll be used to things as they are then."
"Yes, I wonder how that will affect us," Sai agreed. "Speaking of which, what are we going to do about Root and Danzou-san?"
"It's all Madara's fault. We kill him, we solve everything," Kakashi told them.
"Including Ugly's vast forehead?" Sai asked.
The three other men latched onto her arms and legs to prevent her from pummeling her boyfriend into the ground. "Not now, Sakura-chan! Let's finish the mission first!" Naruto pleaded.
"…Fine," Sakura huffed. She shook them off her limbs with relative ease, which was worrying because one day, they may really have to stop her but won't be able to, and stalked forward to the first Uchiha who had caused so many problems for everyone, both within and without Konoha.
The rest of the team followed her, cautiously looking around. "Wow, they're really glad he's dead," Naruto mused.
Sai turned his head slightly. "Yes, I can hear the celebrations from here."
Madara, still unaware of their presence thanks to the strong genjutsu Sakura and Sasuke had pieced together, sat up slowly. He shook his arms to get the feeling back into them, and looked around. A small grin spread over his face, and Sakura and Sasuke chose that moment to release the illusion.
"Wha—?" Madara jumped backwards in shock.
Naruto smiled and waved at him.
Sai did the same.
Sakura, Sasuke, and Kakashi glared heavily.
"Hi," Naruto said, holding out a hand. "I'm Namikaze Naruto, and I'm here to kill you. This is Sai, Sasuke—he's your grandson by a lot—Sakura-chan, and Kakashi-sensei. They're gonna help."
Madara made a small noise in his throat, and looked like he was struggling with his emotions. He was shocked, confused, and apprehensive.
"Funny," Sai mused, "for a powerful ninja we were scared of in our time, he's pretty wimpy."
The others nodded.
Madara, taking insult to this statement, jumped up and retrieved kunai and shuriken from his weapons pouch.
Naruto laughed. "I don't think you need those, Madara-san."
Madara threw a kunai at him in response, but Naruto easily batted it away. "Hey, I'm not a kage for nothing," he told Madara.
Madara said nothing still, but jumped back away to reevaluate the situation.
"You're outnumbered," Sasuke told him. "Five to one. You're tired out. We're not. You're strong, but we're stronger. You haven't heard of us, but we know all about you."
"Ooh," Sai said appreciatively. "That was very good, Sasuke-san. You said it much creepier than I could have. Orochimaru taught you well."
Sasuke's eye twitched slightly. "I'm ignoring you," he told his teammate without turning around.
"Okay," Sai agreed amicably, a smile on his face.
"What are you doing here, shinobi?" Madara hissed.
"Wow," Naruto blinked.
"Yeah, he sounds like Orochimaru," Kakashi agreed.
"Kill him," Sakura and Sasuke said together, both looking angry.
"Yeah, that's the plan," Naruto said sarcastically.
"Answer the question," Madara said with more calm than he must have been feeling. "You are in Konoha territory. Answer now before I am forced to—"
"To do what? Drag us back to the village you just let think you are dead?" Sakura asked.
"Fight us with your one-man army?" Naruto snorted.
"Show us your penis?" Sai asked.
"SAI!" the others shouted, as Sakura whacked him on the head.
Sai bounced across the rocky surface, 'ow'ing as he went. The other men winced in sympathy for him, except Madara, who was beginning to look genuinely freaked out for the first time.
"Why would I show you my penis?" he asked slowly, still looking frightened and confused.
Naruto rolled his eyes. "It's Sai's answer for everything. You'd think after like thirteen years, he'd get over it."
"But he didn't," Sakura hissed angrily.
"He will soon," Kakashi assured her, patting her head like he used to when the team was younger, before Sai came along.
"He'd better," she muttered darkly, pulling her gloves over her fingers more tightly.
Madara seemed to notice her hands for the first time and the other shinobi all watched as he gulped in fear.
He may be immortal, but still, all sane people know to fear the death hands of Tsunade and Sakura, and even if Madara was unaware of whom those people are, he got the general message.
Across the rocky ground, Sai stood up and shook his head slightly. "Ow, Ugly, that hurt more than usual."
Sakura growled under her breath and leapt for her boyfriend. "Sai, how many times have I told you not to call me that?" she yelled.
"How can I help it when it's so true, even after all these years?" he replied. "You'd think after this much time, you'd grow more womanly, but in fact, I think you're manlier than before. Perhaps you are going through the Change of Li—"
Sai's pained yelps carried across the clearing.
The other three turned toward Madara, knowing it was now a lost cause to get those two involved in his death. Sakura could have just used Madara as her punching bag, and she wouldn't have to heal him later, but none of the three were brave enough to interrupt her and remind her of this.
They listened to Sai's pained cries with stifled winces, until Naruto decided to talk over them. "SO, MADARA, WE'RE HERE TO KILL YOU," he said.
Kakashi and Sasuke covered their ears as soon as the blonde started talking, and Madara slowly moved his own hands over his ears.
Sakura and Sai looked over at the group, Sakura frowning and Sai wincing painfully. "Oh," Sakura said. "They're starting. Let's go," she commanded, standing up and beginning to head back over to help kill the man who caused so many problems for Konoha and Team Seven.
"Can't… move," Sai told her.
With a sigh of irritation and annoyance, Sakura flopped back down to heal him. "Geez, Sai," she admonished. "You should be more careful."
Sai nodded mutely, deciding to wisely stay quiet about whose fault his current injuries really were.
Meanwhile, Kakashi, Sasuke, and Naruto had the difficult task of killing an immortal. "We should start by cutting his head off," Naruto suggested.
Sasuke nodded. "Then we should burn his body so that he can't ever get it back together."
Madara looked pretty scared, but he attempted a glower anyway. "I'm right here, you know. I can hear what you're planning."
"Oh! My apologies!" Kakashi assured him, going over to clamp his hands over the Uchiha's ears. "Better?"
Madara glared and attempted to fight Kakashi but suddenly found himself tied down by chakra ropes.
"Okay… I can Rasengan his heart and eyes," Naruto offered.
"Good idea," Sasuke nodded.
"You know," Kakashi drawled, "maybe it would have been a better idea to plan this before we left."
Naruto and Sasuke both glared at him. "Right, let's get started," Naruto said, clapping his hands together.
Sasuke nodded, and pulled his katana from its sheathe around his waist. Naruto began to gather the chakra into his hands, and Kakashi maintained his firm grip over Madara's ears.
"You know, Kakashi, you don't have to hold his ears anymore," Sasuke said.
"Oh, yeah," Kakashi laughed slightly. "Do you want me to summon my ninken to hold him down instead of the ropes?"
"Yeah, sure, why not?" Naruto said, releasing the technique.
Kakashi let go of Madara's ear, bit his own thumb, performed the proper handseals, and slammed his hand onto the ground with a dramatic cry of "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"
All his ninken appeared before him, Pakkun greeting them with a cheerful "Yo!"
Naruto and Sai (of course) waved back.
"What do you need, Kakashi?" Bisuke asked.
"Well, as you can see, I'm trying to hold this baddie over here down all by lonesome," Kakashi said, jerking his thumb towards Madara. "I was wondering if you could lend a hand and help out a bit?"
The dogs looked over at the man in his odd samurai-ish uniform, and nodded quickly. "Bastard," Pakkun said to him before viciously biting down on his leg.
"Youch," Sasuke winced slightly, though not in sympathy because 1.) It's Sasuke, so be realistic, and 2.) It's Madara, so be realistic.
Naruto nodded. "Yeah, they were pretty pissed when you left, and then when we found out this asshole got to you before us after the whole Itachi thing," he explained. "Although on second thought, it's probably a good thing Madara got to you first, because I'm sure they would have hurt you much more violently. Abandoning Kakashi is not a smart move to make when his ninken can hear about it," Naruto whispered to Sasuke.
This time, Sasuke's wince was in horror of what could have been.
"It's nice to see you guys discussing the past and all," Kakashi began, "but can we get a move on? If I don't get home to Anko before dinner, she'll kill me. And I rather like my kids, so I want to see them some more, if you don't mind."
Naruto and Sasuke nodded. "Right, sorry," Naruto apologized. He pushed his Rasengan-charged palm forward, as the ninken held Madara down, and then paused, inches away.
"What now, dobe?" Sasuke asked impatiently.
"You should cut his head off first. You know, so he doesn't suffer unnecessarily."
Sasuke quirked a brow. "You're kidding, right?"
Naruto shook his head. "I'm not a violent person. Besides, that would be rather disturbing and I don't want my nights to be plagues with dreams of Uchiha Madara's face in a silent scream as my Rasengan pours his guts everywhere."
"… Good point." Sasuke lifted his blade and swiped it quickly across Madara's neck.
"AAAAAGH!" Madara screamed in pain.
"Not only that, but I have vowed to live my life peacefully and not kill everyone I hold a grudge against," Naruto continued, ignoring him completely.
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Why are you here then?"
"Because," Naruto began patiently, as if he had explained this a thousand times already—which he had—"even though I don't want to hold a grudge and hate everyone, sometimes, people have to die and this is one grudge that I can't get rid of. Besides, it is as Sensei said: it's all Madara's fault. By killing him, we are doing the whole ninja world a favor. I think we'll be surprised to see how much changes when we go back. You, for instance, won't be emo—well, as much—nor will you have ever left Konoha, your brother will still be there and possibly healed because Tsunade-baachan is awesome, my parents will still be alive—that'll be odd—Kurama won't have attacked, but I'll still be a jinchuuriki I think… and lots of other things."
"Like Sakura's forehead," Kakashi smiled.
"DON'T THINK I DIDN'T HEAR THAT, KAKASHI-SENSEI!"
Sai sent him a grateful look as Sakura stormed over to beat him up instead.
"Do you think she might be less violent?" Naruto asked, sweat-dropping.
"Sadly… no."
"Damn."
"Finish… killing… him…" Kakashi said, hoping to get this over with so he could go home where he hopefully wouldn't be beaten up.
"Oh, yes!" Naruto turned back to Madara's bleeding body. The head was not quite fully detached from the rest of him, so he was still alive, making glugging noises on the ground as he bled out and tried to keep breathing.
It was really a lost cause but he was never one to give up.
That changed when Naruto summoned his Kage Bunshin, though.
Getting an ominous feeling, Madara risked using some remaining energy to open his eyes. The spinning ball of chakra the blonde was forming with his clone was a little worrying. The fact that the shinobi that looked like his younger brother was laughing actually was not comforting at all. Not at all.
"Rasengan!" Naruto screamed, propelling the ball forward on his own. It neared Madara's face. Closer, closer, closer, until tendrils of chakra were literally spinning outwards from the condensed chakra form and eating into his skin. He would have screamed in terror, but Sasuke had chopped his throat pretty well in that one strike.
Madara's face was useless, but he was not yet dead.
"Odama Rasengan!" Naruto cried, this time pushing the gleaming giant ball of power towards Madara's torso.
"Chidori!" Two cries, from different voices this time, as they struck his form in all the painful places.
This is the point where Madara got smart. "Goodbye, Cruel World!" his spirit shouted for anyone to listen as he abandoned his body, then promptly disintegrated on contact with acidic lightning spewed out by the two Konoha shinobi standing over his now vacated corpse.
Well, not too smart.
"Shall I help?" Sai asked, rejoining the group. Sakura had grown bored with abusing her teacher and was chakra-scalpel-ing Madara into smaller sizes. She had first ensured that the ninken dispelled, though, lest they eat him and allow him to continue living through some fluke.
"Sure! Send a message to Konoha, would you, telling them he's gone for realz this time, please?" Naruto asked cheerfully.
"Our Konoha, or this one?" Sai asked.
"Both!" He stood back to give Sasuke some room for Amaterasu. "I'll go look for logs," Naruto said.
"Oh! I almost forgot! Kuchiyose no jutsu!" Kakashi cried again. He retrieved a pouch from Bisuke and rewarded the dog with a pat on the head. "Marshmallows!"
"You brought chocolate and graham crackers too, right?" Sakura asked, grabbing some sticks for roasting.
He nodded happily.
Naruto placed the logs in a circle around Madara and they sat down to their celebratory feast of s'mores.
"This," Sasuke said, "is definitely the best idea you've ever had."
Naruto smiled. "I know."