Breaking the Contract

By Devilry

They say you have to love yourself before you can love others.

It was not magical like they had hoped it would be. Passionate, yes. Delirious, yes. Satou swore he could drown in the scent of her skin. But it was not magical.

Where had they gone wrong? As they lay on the bed, sheets soaked with their sweats combined, she knew that he knew, and he knew that she knew, that this was the only thing on their minds.

Where had they gone wrong?

Was their love not meant to be?

Ever since they signed the final contract – if either of them were to end their lives the other would promptly follow suit – their relationship took on a momentum of its own, as though it had always been lying in wait for the walls to come down, for them to face the truth of how badly they needed each other. One moment they were holding hands, next they were kissing, desperate to immerse themselves in their collective existence until the rest of the world numbed away, and now this.

Satou sat up and lit a cigarette. He could hear Misaki's controlled breathing, her back firmly pressed against the bed. They were both waiting for the other to be the first to break the silence.

'What now?' Misaki finally spoke.

Satou could say one of numerous things. I love you so much, or I need you, or we'll always be together no matter what. And she would no doubt respond in kind. However, when he eventually opened my mouth, he could not even recognise his own voice.

How cruel god was. Satou was doomed without her, yet he was doomed with her. He'd heard about obsession before. It's when you need someone so badly that your life has no meaning without them. Every minute you live, every breath you take, is all for them. You become insecure whenever they are not around, and all the more possessive whenever they are.

There was no shame in admitting that he was obsessed with Misaki.

He imagined that a relationship couldn't possibly work out if one party is obsessed with the other. But... what if both parties needed each other like he needed Misaki and Misaki needed him? What if they were both obsessed with each other and were honest about it? What if they both had no qualms giving up all privacy? What if they were both willing to possess and be possessed? They would tell each other their deepest, darkest secrets without reservation. They could be the closest couple in the world, so close that they'd virtually meld into a single entity. They could remain broken as halves their entire lives and it wouldn't matter, for they'd be complete as a whole.

It made for good romance. Two people in love, screwed up beyond your wildest imaginations, but nonetheless determined to love and hope for a brighter future through love. They would learn to stand on their own four feet. They would never betray each other. They would share a love so dark that it would come full circle and become the most beautiful thing the world has ever seen. A love that was an ugly duckling.

But not this. Anything but this.

'It's not working out, huh?' Satou had said.

He could tell that Misaki was trying to hold back her tears. 'I guess not, Satou-kun.' Satou-kun. For the past week she had been trying to call him by his first name, but it seemed like she was more comfortable with Satou-kun after all.

'Dammit!' Satou cursed. Why were they giving up so easily? Where were the fights, the moments of denial, the desperate last attempts to save the relationship? If their relationship was to end, it should have had to be dragged from their unyielding hands.

And yet he knew the answer. It was because everything about it felt so wrong. He'd been uneasy ever since he kissed her. Whenever he thought back on it, he felt nothing but guilt. He felt as though he was not deserving of someone like her. And yet he tried to drown his unease by using her, by pushing his relationship further than either of them were prepared to handle. He was doing to Misaki what Hitomi had done to him. And now he'd soiled her body.

What did he use to call it? Ah yes, conspiracy. Satou had stopped using that word for some time now, but it was coming back to him. Their relationship – it too was a conspiracy, was it not? They were both playing into the hands of a sinister organisation that treated their love like some kind of plaything, that had decided that it was bored of their antics and it was time to break them up.

'Lately I keep wondering...' Misaki said. 'Would I have been okay with anyone whom I thought was worse off than me? And would Satou-kun have been okay with anyone who had tried to save him? It's a stupid question to ask, isn't it? After all, life only happens once. And everything within it only happens once. The fact that I met Satou-kun means that I met Satou-kun, and not someone else. I can't go back and change it, so what's the point of such a question? But I just can't get it out of my head...'

'To me, Misaki-chan is like some kind of angel, some kind of fantasy. These memories keep replaying in my head over and over, but I can't move on. I don't know what to do with them, or where to take them.' Satou laughed bitterly. 'I'm not capable of loving Misaki-chan as a human being.'

'And I'm not capable of loving Satou-kun either.' Misaki began to cry.

Satou wished that he could love Misaki properly. But that was impossible. His feelings were a pendulum that could only swing between complete denial or acceptance. Either she was his entire life, or she had no place in it at all.

'Does this mean that... it's over?' He asked, and the words hit him like a sledgehammer the moment they left his mouth. It was over. They would drift apart, never see each other ever again.

'I guess so.'

Slowly, Misaki sat up and began to slip into her clothes. Satou could not help but stare at her. She was attractive, no doubt. And she could provide him with the comforts of a woman, fulfil his every desire. Like she had told him, there was no reason why he would not be head over heels in love with him. And yet, the thought of it only filled him with hatred, hatred towards Misaki and hatred towards himself. It made him want to overpower her, teach her who was in control. How dare you tell me that I need you. Don't forget that you need me too. He would say as he pinned her against the wall.

No wonder he did not deserve her. The part of him that loved her told him that they did not belong together.

He watched as she pulled up her socks and tied her shoelaces.

Goodbye, Misaki.

Just then, she stopped. 'Satou-kun, this just means that we'll need some time to find ourselves, right?'

'What do you mean?'

'When we were... doing it... I realised that I need to learn to live for myself. To love myself. And not overshadow it with my love for you. Perhaps one day we'll look back and wonder how we could've possibly fallen for each other. Or perhaps... it means that we'll one day be able to love each other as a true couple would.'

Satou was dumbfounded. For a while, he did not know what to say. Then, his mouth curled into a faint smile.

'Misaki-chan, you've become stronger than I ever imagined.'

'Only because I can't be with you.'

'Looks like I'll have to buck up too, then.'

It wasn't that Satou was unhappy by her side. He was very happy. It's just that Misaki was Misaki, and Satou was Satou.

'I guess we'll have to schedule another examination then. How about exactly three months from now, at the usual place after dinner?'

'Fine by me. I plan to ace it with flying colours.'

'Great.' Then, Misaki turned around. 'There's no contract to sign this time, and no fine for being late. But do try to show up, okay?'

'You too.' Satou watched as Misaki disappeared behind the door. Complete abstinence from her presence for three whole months, and he had to ensure that he did not regress back into a hikikomori. He was sure that Misaki had her share of challenges as well. This was about learning to act in the best interests of each other, learning to trust, and learning to love. To do so, it was time to break the contract.

Satou was prepared to try to love Misaki as a human being.