Disclaimer: I don't own The Mortal Instruments or any of the characters, Cassandra Clare does. Sadly I only own the plot.
Trigger warning: Suicide, abuse, self harm and language
Clary
I give up on everything.
I used to think that one day, perhaps an angel would fly down from the heavens and save me, but that never happened. I also used to think that if I cut myself, the pain would disappear. I used to think a lot of things could just be gone if I wished it. But that when I was younger, more naive, now, when I'd think like that, I'd just feel like a fucking fool.
My happiness was short lived. It was there, then it was gone, like it was never even there in the first place. Happiness did not belong to people like me, a freak, weirdo, mute girl, the list goes on and on and on. After all, that was what the people in town thought of me.
It was ridiculous I ever thought I could deserve happiness.
I thought Jace was my angel, but then it all turned out to be fake. Unreal. At least, I had known what happiness and love felt like before I died. Love was like the ray of light amid the sea of darkness. Happiness was like being on this rollercoaster and you don't ever want to get down from it. I was broken, unwanted, unloved, shunned by everybody.
A few years ago
"You!" The man said, pointing at Jonathan, "where did you go to? Where is my alchohol?"
"I don't have it, you didn't give me any money," Jonathan said in a monotonus voice.
Jonathan, my older brother, my saviour. The one who always tried to fight back. The braver one among us. The one who kept me sane. I was only 10 when he died. He was only 15. I always asked Mummy where Jonathan went. She would always tell me the same thing, "I guess that was all he could take. The string inside of him broke."
Present
I was too young to understand what she meant back then, but now I understood. The string inside of me broke too, when Mom died. She passed away half a year ago. It was the most horrible thing ever. Valentine, that sick bastard, the man I'm ashamed to call my father, had murdered her.
He burned down our old house and pulled me out before I the fire touched me and left Mom in there. The police took this as an accident. When I tried to explain what happened, Valentine told the police that I was suffering from shock of what happened.
So, just like that Mom was gone too. Now, I wished I had died in there with her too. But Valentine, for some reason, wouldn't let me die.
Jonathan, on the other hand, had died after a beating from Valentine. The morning after he had died, Valentine simply buried him in our backyard.
To avoid suspicion, Valentine never let us go to school, only letting a Jonathan out when he needed him to do his dirty work. He knew that Jonathan would always come back, because he couldn't bear to leave his Mother and Sister together with Valentine.
Now, everyday, I live in constant fear of him. I'm still not allowed out of my house. You must be wondering how I met Jace. He moved in next door a few weeks after Mom's death. His room happened to be opposite mine. He snuck over a few times, managing to disable Valentine's security cameras and bringing me over to his house. He knew better than to let me stay there, because he knew Valentine would locate me eventually.
We started dating a month after we got to know each other. Those were the happiest days of my life. He could get me to forget Valentine, Jonathan and my mum, and think that I was living a normal life. He was my first kiss, my first boyfriend, and before that, friend.
One day, when I finally learnt myself how to disable those fucking cameras, and went over to his house to surprise him, I found him having a heated make out session with a blonde haired girl. Before he could see me cry, I had ran out of his house. He tried to explain himself, but I didn't want to hear. I trusted him. I gave him my heart, but he just took it and crushed it in his hands.
I knew that our relationship wouldn't last forever. But then again, I didn't prepare myself. I knew that he couldn't want someone as ugly, filled with bruises and scars from years of abuse and cutting, when he could have all the girls in the world. But I never stopped to consider that. Now, it was too late.
I wondered how many other girls' hearts had been crushed by him. A few weeks after we broke up, he too gave up on his attempts to win me back. He even had girls in his room and he left the curtain open every time, and I could see everything.
That was when the last candle of hope went out. Just like that.
Now, I sit on the bathroom floor, the cold from the tiles seeping through the thin material of my shorts into my skin. A sharp, shiny, silver metal blade in my hand. I started cutting. Cutting deeper and deeper into the soft skin, watching as red drops of blood falling, slowly became a pool of red spreading over my skin.
The edges of my vision became fuzzy. I kept going, until everything went black.
I at least hoped someone would read the suicide note. Now, finally, I would get the attention
Jace
It took them 2 weeks to find the body. Another 2 months for Valentine to be behind bars.
Clarissa Morgenstern, the girl who stole, my heart, dead. I didn't want to believe it at first.
Clary, the girl whose smile was as radiant as the sun, with eyes as green as grass, the bravest girl I ever met. Gone, just like that. She had a broken heart that the world forgot, but I hoped she was in a better place now.
A few days after they found her body, her suicide note was passed to me.
To Jonathan:
You were my savior. The person who was always there for me when I cried during thunderstorms, to comfort me when Dad got angry. I always imagined what it would be like if we had a normal life like everyone else. We would probably squabble over the smallest things. We would ignore each other for a while probably. Yet, we would always make up and apologise to each other, because thats what siblings do right?
To Mom:
I finally understood what you meant when you said Jonathan's string broke. Because that's what happened to me too. But thank you for being strong and staying with me. I love you, and now we can be together, with nothing separating us.
To Jace:
As you read this, I'm most probably dead. Don't feel bad. This wasn't because of you. I instead would like to thank you, for showing me what it felt like to love somebody, to trust someone and give your heart to them. You showed me what happiness and kissing someone felt like. Although, you broke my heart, I still love you, even after all this time.
To Valentine:
I hope you're in jail as you read this, you sick bastard. Words cannot describe my hatred for you.
My face was wet with tears after reading this. I hadn't cried since I was ten. I loved her too. I was making out with another girl the other day was because she had forced herself onto me. I brought girls to my room to make Clary feel jealous, hoping she would come back to me. I never knew what it felt like to love somebody. I was given Clary, such a beautiful and amazing girl, but I screwed up my relationship with her. I was such a dumbass.
Clary, wherever you are now, I hope you're in a better place. I also thought that you should know this. After all this time, I love you too. I know that sorry can't bring you back and I screwed it up for us. I taught me what love and heartbreak truly felt like.
-The man who will always love you, Jace