Letter to the disorder

Dearest Friend

Dearest friend

I don't have to eat. I feel my bones against my skin.

Its so euphoric. I have started and succeeded in my choices not to ruin my kidneys, my liver and my stomach with fatty, sugar filled junk.

Syrup from fruit is no longer a problem for my insides. The taste of an apple is simply too sweet. Watercress is okay, I alliw myself the green leaves in small doses.

I slowly walk down the halls and bypass the other juniors in my year. Are we juniors? Are we sophmores? I have lost all track of time, including my age. "Drugs" I hear the massive bulldog call out when I walk through the back hall toward my literacy class.

"Its not drugs" A female bunny growls. She tall and slim. My jealousy over her naturally small waist engulfs me. Cigarettes are her comfort, I dare say that is why she maintains her trim figure. Red hair in shades of black and blonde remind me of my friends a few years ago.

We had fun experimenting with hair dyes, lipsticks and the odd glass of schnapps forbidden by our parents while chatted about boys...

I have no more desire for maintaining an appearance that is pleasing to the oppositevsex and the silly immature girls who stroll the halls.

I dont want to. I dont need to. I see them, the girls who play sport, the females with the figures of supermodels. Big boobs and long hair. The guys follow Muffy around, they drool over Sue Ellen and her desirable curves yet she has the skin of a china doll.

My friend is my enemy. She keeps me safe. My affirmations come from the scales. My weight plummets as my self esteem rises. I am drawn to the loss of my flesh. Water is a companion. Pills oh how they send me to sleep. I wake and my mother weeps. Its frustrating. Why wont she leave me alone?

The others do. I write in class while I see the girls dressed in pretty clothes. Francine brushes her hair and scores the goals and the guy she loves. They kiss like its an display of affection. Arthur makes sure that she is his most prized possession.

Then it hits me. Senior year is upon us. Grades go up but my weight goes down. Noone seems to notice me, Sue ellen stays away, her eyes are on me. She pestered me like a fly.

"Im worried" she says. "Please eat something"

I tell her its simply a matter of discipline. I sip my diet coke and she sighs. George and Jenna come to talk with me at home. "You need help" they say in concerned tones.

"Its been two years" I reply. "Im still here and Its been the best couple of years Ive had" My smile is crooked. They see right through me.

I feel my stomach sour. Why do they call my Mother? Why don't they busy themselves instead. They have their own goals and dreams, do they not?

Buster is my friend. He knows not of my closest companion who kerps me thin. He thanks me for the food I give him at lunch. He always says a kind thank you when I give him my cheese fries or meat filled burrito. Just lookimg at him though, well all of my friends eating, scoffing down their greasy food and wiping their mouths, just makes me feel even more ill.

Im getting headaches most days. They start in the back of my head. Oh how they ache. The doctors force me to take saline drips in order to pump intravenous analgesia into my veins. The headache disperses and I drift off to sleep, waking to my Mother in floods of tears. I sigh.

"Honestly Mother" "Try not to fret" I do my best to console her, but she says my hands are so cold and frail that it hurts her heart to see my expression. Now I am the one who feels wretched.

Then my memories flood back to not even two months ago. I am sitting in class, I think its a classroom. Sue Ellen is beside me, George is smiling... Why? I don't know who is whispering nor do I comprehend whst the teacher is saying.

Over acheivers are standing in the class room yes...they are, I remember the one who graduated, he was kind, smart oh ever so smart and...no longer in highschool.

I dont know why he was there, yet Im filled with elation that he is. My memory fades again. His eyes peirced my own and then...

All of a sudden my body tingles. I feel numb as do the voices around me. I hear Francine call out to a group of familiar faces crowding around me to "call 911".

A girl with red hair checks my pulse while a very familiar voice tells me to hold on. His hand is warm and soft.

"Its me, Alan" He says in warm tones. "Stay with me Fern, stay..."

I wake up. I am lying on a hospital bed with two more needles are in my veins. Its frightening because these fluids are trying to increase my weight.

"No" I repeat myself. "No"

I love you my sweet. My friend and my bitter enemy Anorexia nervosa