Author's note:
English is not my 1st language so please excuse any grammatical errors. I accept constructive criticism regarding grammar and creative development if they are offered with genuine intention of bettering a fellow author. While I wrote this story I was going through something and felt that I needed to find a way to get it out. Because of this, you'll see some sentences that run on to another. I apologize if this annoys you. Possibly a one-shot.
"I love you too much... Heaven's my witness and this is a fact..."
Beca sang under her breath while she closed her eyes and tried not to strangle her girlfriend. It had become a habit after she and Aubrey watched The Book of Life a couple of months ago. The song resonated with both of them and so Beca took to singing it whenever her patience was being tried by the blonde. Like it was at that precide moment.
"Bree, things have been hectic for a while now. Between my classes and your 10+ hour work shifts 6 days a week, it's a wonder we haven't burnt out by now. As soon as things calm down with my classes I'm going to clean the apartment." Beca tried to reason. If she was being honest with herself, she had been expecting this fight to happen for a while now. The apartment was an absolute pig sty, even by Beca's standards, and Aubrey was always so specific about how to run things. Having her living space in such a disarray threw her off in the other aspects of her life and she just couldn't wind down nor control how she reacted. They had gotten better at living together but Bree's ADHD still popped up full force now and again. Particularly now that she couldn't destress in the comfort of what was supposed to be her home.
"You always say that! Things are always hectic, don't you get it?! I work 10+ hours 6 days a week and when my free day does come up I'm trying to catch up with all the rest of the things. You don't even work. You just have to go to classes and that's it. What the hell do you do with your time?!" Aubrey all but shrieked. You take a deep breath and close your eyes again. You can feel your hearbeat pick up and things start getting stuck in your throat but you need to push through before it gets worse. You can't lose it now. You open your eyes and feels the fingers of your right hand twitch as you start talking again. "I've been working on the projects and assignments that need to be done. I've also been doing most of the errands you can't do because of work plus I help you with work sometimes when you need to finish something for the next day and just can't seem to focus. I know you can't control it which is why I help you in the evenings if you need it or want my help. I do things Bree". "Well they're not being done efficiently because look at how the house is. You are shit when it comes to house chores!". You just keep looking at her because honestly, you can't disagree. Keeping a house running and organized has never been your strong suit. You never exactly had the best role models but she knows this. She knows most things about your past but you know that when her anger flares up it's hard for her to remember. "She has trouble regulating her emotions and it's not her fault, it's the ADHD" you think. Your heart still hasn't slowed and your hand still twitches every few minutes. Your getting groggy and try to push it back down. "I've been trying Aubrey and you know it". She stops for a few seconds and looks at you intently. She had the ability to strike you down right now and you both know it. You can see her struggling internally about if she should say whatever she's thinking but she's never been good at hitting the breaks when her anger is involved. "No you haven't. I have been trying. You've just been trying to pass the classes you've been failing for the last few years. And your just going to fail them again and we're going to keep being stuck. I'm going to keep being stuck because I'm with someone that just stays stuck". She looks at you with the challenge.
Had this been a few years back, you would have been right in her face with a cutting remark but her words just pierced you. You know that you should feel worse by what she's saying but you've had this fight so many times before that you're partially numb to it. Though that may just be the anxiety that's pushing its way to the front of your mind. The grogginess is heavier but you try to push through anyway. You take another breath before you try to calmly say what you're thinking. "I'm trying Bree. You and I both made a promise that we would both stay in this relationship as long as the other was trying. I'm not giving up and I'm trying hard to pass so that I can finally graduate and we can get the hell out of here."
You both look at each other for a while. You can tell by her eyes that the anger has gotten smaller but it's still there. She's angry and hurt and you can't honestly blame her. She graduated almost a year ago and already has a job. A job she uses to pay for the bills and your other expenses. Your parents, bless them, are not bad but they have always been more on the negligent side than the attentive. And you, ever the second choice, are used to taking up less space and materials than you need as to not be a bother that needs to be gotten rid of. She pays for everything and you can't even keep the house or the car clean...
"We always have this fight and you never do anything about it. What are you going to do Beca?"
You look at her and want to say so many things but the fog is already there. The pressure is on your lungs and the groginess has oficially kicked in. You wade though the water to get to the words you desperately want to say to her but instead what comes out is "I'm working on it. We've gotten better Bree. You can't deny that". (You scream at yourself internally for this later when you're alone before classes because seriously is that the best you could do?)
"It's always that same argument. We're getting better. You'll work on it. Well I can't keep waiting. I need something now, not later. What are you going to do?"
Your hearts speeds up. You shiver from the cold sweat that's on your skin and you want to say something clever. The magic words that will be clear and concise and that will help her see everything that is actually going on behind the scenes. But you've never been good at commnication. Not when it comes to you at least. You've mastered the art of neutrality when it comes to fights and you've been doing it for so long that you honestly don't notice and don't know how to stop. So you stay there staring at her trying your best not to drown in that moment.
Time passes. You're not sure how much since you've never been good with time. You just know that she suddenly says "let's just go and buy dinner and we can keep talking about it later". She picks up the keys to the car and opens the door. She pauses and turns around when she notices that you haven't moved. "Are you coming?"
You have no words so you just nod and slowly make your way towards her. You pick up your wallet and take the keys before closing the door. You know she doesn't like to drive so you always drive whenever she's home because you can at least do this much. The last thing you think before you go down the stairs is "Can't you see how much I love you? Can't you feel how deeply I care?".