The disclaimer saying I don't own any Archer characters has gone on a job interview. As someone who has gone on a lot of these, I thought this would be a giggle if some members of the Figgis Agency talked about this. And I am in an educational mood so this is…
Job Interviews For Idiots
"I swear to God that traffic gets worse every day," Pam groaned as she walked into the bullpen of the Figgis Agency. Ray and Lana were at a table drinking coffee. Lana was looking at a magazine.
"I know," Lana sighed. "Gas is expensive enough for me as it is. I'm actually considering taking the bus to work."
"Are you?" Ray raised an eyebrow.
"Probably not," Lana admitted with a sigh. "But I am considering it. Which should tell you something."
"Lucky for me I'm on the Cheryl Tunt Gas Payment plan," Pam snickered as she sat down and pulled a bearclaw out of her purse.
"You made her suck gasoline out of parked cars again, didn't you?" Ray asked.
"I didn't make her," Pam said. "She volunteered. It's not making someone do it if it's their idea!"
"She's huffing gasoline now?" Lana gasped.
"Let's just say I'm taking advantage of her latest fetish while it's good for my wallet," Pam admitted. "Which reminds me I really should wake her up and get her out of the car…"
"One good thing about bionic legs," Ray admitted. "Running to work is faster than getting on the freeway."
"Especially with the traffic jams," Pam nodded before taking a bite out of the bearclaw.
"We're all cutting corners," Lana admitted. "Yesterday there was a huge going out of business sale at Toddler Town. I managed to get five and a half outfits for AJ for only thirty dollars."
"Five and a half?" Ray asked.
"Was supposed to be six," Lana sighed. "Damn bitch held onto the bottom part of the dress too hard. It's fine. I didn't like the bottom too much anyway. The top part is better. And I got that for free because technically it was damaged goods."
"You're telling me there was a riot at a children's clothing store?" Ray asked.
"A going out of business children's clothing store," Lana said. "I'm not proud of this but I clotheslined three women for a pair of toddler shoes seventy five percent off. On the other hand, AJ looks so cute in them!"
"Good news Lana," Ray said. "The way this economy is going there will be plenty more stores going out of business. There will be a ton of sales and you barely have to pay anything!"
"That's why I've decided to be a little more proactive," Lana showed them the magazine she was holding.
"Career Guide Magazine?" Ray asked.
"It's a guide to finding new jobs," Lana said. "There's even a good article in here about interviews. The top ten things you need to do to land an interview."
"Spoiler alert Lana," Pam said. "Ninety five percent of these books and articles about that subject just rehash and repeat the same information."
"Well I found this for free in the business section of the newspaper," Lana admitted.
"That list has probably been repeated in every magazine in the whole world," Ray said. "Why are you so interested in job interviewing skills anyway?"
"Because odds are we may have to go on some of these in the near future," Lana groaned.
"You mean because the Figgis Agency is crashing and burning like the Hindenburg?" Pam asked. "Yeah I can see that."
"Why don't you read that article Lana?" Ray asked. "Something tells me we could all use a refresher course."
"Okay," Lana looked at the article. "Number One is to do research on the company you are interviewing for."
"Should have done that before I took a job working for Ms. Archer," Pam groaned.
"Me too," Ray admitted.
"If you think about it," Pam said. "The only thing worse than not knowing about a company and not getting the job is not knowing anything about the company and getting the job. And then it turns out the job is technically against the law. And you get arrested for treason."
"Then you're forced to run a cocaine cartel for the CIA," Ray added.
"Which turns into a drugs for arms debacle and you end up giving birth in an airport just before the bombs start flying when the marines invade," Lana groaned.
"And then you get hired to be spies again," Pam added. "Then fired again. And…Well we all know what happened next. Continue."
"Number Two," Lana read. "Dress appropriately."
"You might want to remember that one Lana," Ray smirked.
"What's wrong with the way I dress?" Lana snapped.
"Nothing," Ray said. "If you want to interview at the Playboy Club."
"I was wearing clothes like these when Mallory recruited me!" Lana snapped.
"And how did that end?" Pam asked sarcastically.
"Seriously honey," Ray sighed. "Invest in a pant suit."
"Or at least at dress that covers your knees," Pam said. "Trust me, no woman wants to hire another woman with better legs than hers."
"Unless again…" Ray added. "She's working at the Playboy Club."
"Fine!" Lana fumed. "Number Three: have the right attitude. Smile and be pleasant."
"Whatever you do don't threaten the guy and insult him," Pam shook her head. "That's a real turn off."
Ray spoke up. "Remember that time Ms. Archer wanted that security contract with City Hall in New York? And then she felt insulted when the guy insinuated she was too old to run an agency."
"That interview really went downhill once she pulled out her gun," Pam sighed. "I mean she didn't fire it but still…"
"Number Four," Lana went on. "Know your resume inside and out."
"Well duh!" Pam snorted. "Of course, you should know your resume! You're the one who made it up!"
"Wait what?" Lana did a double take. "Are you saying you lied on your resume when you first started working for Mallory?"
"More like embellished the truth a little," Pam shrugged.
"Like what?" Lana asked.
"Little things that turned out to not be that important anyway," Pam told her.
"Such as?" Ray asked.
"Like I could type faster than I really could," Pam admitted. "That wasn't even an issue since nobody read half my reports even when I did send them in on time!"
"What else?" Lana asked.
"That I was professional and a hard worker," Pam started to giggle.
Lana and Ray started to laugh too. "Okay that's funny!" Ray snickered.
"I know, right?" Pam laughed. "I also said I could handle problems with discretion."
Lana and Ray laughed harder. "You?" Lana laughed. "Ms. Telephone, Television, Tell Pam?"
"Sometimes I read your gossip blog before I read the newspaper!" Ray said. "Because your blog was way more informative!"
"I know!" Pam said. "I should have been a journalist."
"Or a fiction writer," Ray snickered.
"I said I was a writer!" Pam told him. "I said I was a writer slash reporter at my college newspaper on my resume!"
"And you weren't?" Lana asked.
"Uh no," Pam snorted. "Unless you count a few personal ads."
"Keep going Lana," Ray snickered. "This is actually funny."
"Number Five," Lana sighed. "Make sure you respond to questions with short, to the point answers. If you are confused what the interviewer wants, ask a clarifying question instead of rambling on."
"Again, common sense," Pam rolled her eyes. "The more you talk the more likely you'll get tripped up in your own lies."
"A lot of these tips do sound pretty obvious if you think about it," Ray admitted.
"Number Six," Lana went on. "Ask questions. Interviewers expect you to ask questions in order to see how much you know about the company and to see if it is a good fit."
Lana paused. "I should have asked a lot of questions before I went to work for Mallory."
"I ask the question why I still work for Ms. Archer every day!" Ray told her.
"Ask some questions based on what you've learned about the company while researching it," Lana went on.
"Like for example is there a chance I might get arrested for treason?" Ray quipped.
"Do you constantly hit on any guy you meet?" Pam smirked.
"Does your son constantly hit on any woman he meets?" Ray asked.
"Does our health insurance cover the venereal diseases that your son gives out?" Pam added.
"Does our health insurance cover when your son shoots us?" Ray asked bitterly.
"Or gets us paralyzed," Pam added.
"Thank you!" Ray said.
"I get it!" Lana groaned. "Also ask basic questions about the job. Such as what are the major functions of this position?"
"Such as is this job even legal in the first place?" Pam added. "Not that a negative answer would have been a deal breaker for me…"
"Will I ever be forced to smuggle cocaine into Columbia?" Ray groaned.
"How many blow jobs do I have to give before…?" Pam went on.
"PAM!" Lana snapped.
"What?" Pam asked. "It's a legitimate question! At least for this group."
"Number Seven," Lana said. "Take notes during the interview."
"What is this?" Pam snapped. "School?"
"Is there going to be a pop quiz later?" Ray added.
"Taking notes serves three purposes," Lana went on. "It shows interviewers that you are interested in the position…"
"I thought just showing up and applying for the job did that," Pam remarked.
"Two," Lana went on. "The notes will be useful in future interviews and provide clues you will need to get the job."
"Like what the job is?" Pam asked. "What is it like a scavenger hunt or something? Find all the clues. You get the job!"
"I think the biggest clue that you get the job is when the guy says 'You're hired'!" Ray agreed.
"Three," Lana added. "Taking notes diminishes nervous body language. Making you seem more confident and relaxed."
"Yeah," Pam agreed. "Very few things will destroy your chances in an interview than having a spaz attack and passing out during an interview. Especially if you're high."
"Other than you know?" Ray added. "Pulling a gun on whoever's interviewing you."
"Definitely a big no-no," Pam nodded.
Lana went on. "Number Eight. Always ask the interviewer what the next step in the hiring process is. Particularly what the timeline to follow up and whom you should contact next."
"Now that I agree with," Ray said. "Do you know a lot of places don't even bother to send you a note or an e-mail saying you don't got the job? It's just common courtesy! If you don't get the job fine! Just don't keep me dangling forever waiting for you!"
Lana looked at Ray. "Still haven't heard back from that gay travel agency, have you?"
"Would it have killed them to send me an e-mail?" Ray snapped. "I figured I didn't get the job weeks ago but come on!"
"Gay travel agency?" Pam asked.
"I may have already sent out a few resumes to a few places," Ray admitted.
"Any luck?" Pam asked.
"Yes," Ray told her. "All bad."
"Aww," Lana said. "I thought you were a shoo in at that other job. You know? The one for a weekend bartender at that southern gay bar a few blocks from here."
"You mean To Drill A Mockingbird?" Pam asked.
"That's the one," Lana said. "I thought Ray would be a good fit there."
"So did I," Ray grumbled. "That went to some little Yankee slut from Hartford! He doesn't even do an accent right! You know he got the job by sleeping with the owner! I didn't even get a chance to do that!"
"You do have a talent for oral exams," Lana remarked.
"Damn right!" Ray agreed.
"Awww…" Pam said. "Well it wasn't meant to be."
"I knew something was fishy when that bitch was sitting in with all the other interviews!" Ray grumbled. "That's the problem with half these job interviews. Most of the time they've already picked someone but because of either labor laws or some other legal thing they have to at least pretend to hold some interviews!"
"It's tough out there if you don't know the right people," Lana admitted.
"Oh, we know people," Pam said. "The problem is that they know us!"
"Number Nine is to recap the interview before you leave the parking lot," Lana said. "To keep what happened fresh in your mind."
"Just don't let anyone catch you talking to yourself," Ray added. "Or they'll think you're crazy."
"A little late in your case," Pam snickered. Ray gave her a look.
Lana finished. "Number Ten. Send a hand-written note to thank the interviewer. This shows professional courtesy."
"Okay that last one is the stupidest thing I have ever heard," Ray said. "Unless you're trying to date the guy who interviewed you."
"It's not stupid," Lana said. "It will make the interviewer remember you. And it shows a good standing with the company."
"Yeah if you get the job!" Pam snapped. "If you send a note and don't get it you look like an idiot!"
"Dear Mr. Interviewer," Ray said sarcastically. "Thank you so much for wasting my time. Clearly you had someone else in mind that for some reason you think is better than I am. Although I can't imagine why. It was a pleasure seeing you because obviously I will never see you again since you didn't hire me. And preventing me from doing anything productive at all during that day. Thank you for rejecting me."
"Obviously you wouldn't phrase it like that until after you get the notice that you didn't get the job," Pam told him.
"Also, don't e-mail," Lana read. "Or include information that you forgot to mention."
"P.S.," Ray finished. "Kiss my ass."
"Ray…" Lana said. "This is serious!"
"Okay," Ray waved. "P.S. Seriously kiss my ass!"
"You're a bitter little queen, aren't you?" Pam asked. "I like that."
"Ray," Lana sighed.
"Lana they're just going to have a laugh at it and throw it in the trash anyway," Ray told her.
"No," Lana said. "They might keep it on file…"
"So they can pull it out and have a laugh when they get bored," Ray interrupted. "Hey guys! Remember this loser? And he even sent a note…"
"No!" Lana told him. "So that they'd keep your records in their files and if there's another open position they might offer you another interview."
"And then turn you down a second time!" Ray added. "And then have another laugh at your lame ass note. Then they'll decide to see how long they can string you along and how many notes they can get out of you! Maybe even have a betting pool on it?"
"What kind of office would have a betting pool on interviews for people they had no interest in hiring?" Lana asked. "And as soon as I asked the question…"
Both Lana and Ray looked at Pam. "Well…" Pam hesitated. "Maybe one or two of them?"
"Pam…" Lana began.
"Okay!" Pam admitted. "We had about fifteen!"
"You strung along fifteen people you had no intention of hiring?" Lana shouted.
"Only at first," Pam said. "The ones that wrote these really weird thank you notes!"
"Told you!" Ray said.
"We'd wait a bit, and call them in for an interview," Pam admitted. "Then tell them that they didn't get the job as soon as we got their thank you notes."
"Who's we?" Lana asked.
"Me…" Pam shrugged. "Ms. Archer. A few other people in HR. Scatterbrain Jane and then Cheryl. Anyway, a lot of people dropped out and just found other jobs over the years…"
"Oh my God," Lana groaned.
"Why are you so upset?" Ray snapped. "They didn't get a job with us! They're the lucky ones!"
"Trust me Lana," Pam said. "These people were totally unqualified for any job at our old agency. Even more than we were. And that's saying something."
"And by totally unqualified you mean…?" Lana asked.
"Well one of them hadn't even graduated high school," Pam shrugged. "It was his third year as a senior so we weren't exactly getting our hopes up."
"How did he find out about the spy agency?" Lana asked.
"Apparently Scatter Brain Jane was his aunt," Pam sighed. "It's okay the kid ended up working at a strip club bar somewhere in Cleveland so…"
"Still better than how we ended up," Ray groaned.
"In the end only one guy kept sending us notes," Pam said. "Even after the agency closed down. The first time. And the second."
"Wait you set up another interview when we…?" Lana asked.
"Oh no!" Pam waved. "We stopped interviewing him at least two years before we were shut down the first time. He just kept sending us notes. Nice guy. He just wasn't qualified for a spy agency."
"What happened to him?" Lana asked. "Is he still expecting an interview or…?"
"Oh no he finally got a job," Pam nodded. "He's a CEO at a hedge fund company. Or he was. He was on the news recently."
"He got arrested for theft, didn't he?" Lana sighed. "Just as well he didn't get a job with us."
"I don't know," Ray shrugged. "Seems like he would have fit in here."