I walk the corridors at night, it's quiet and I rarely bump into anyone save a few fellow crew members going from one cargo bay to another. It helps me think, let's me gather my thoughts before the next day ahead when I have to be professional, concise, on the ball as they use to say. Sometimes I just stay on my deck, other times I'll walk the length or the breadth of the ship.
When I know nobody's around I stop and put my hands on the wall in whatever corridor I've found myself in, you can feel the ship vibrate as if it's alive. I can close my eyes and concentrate on the feeling, my fingertips gently begin to tingle and then my palms grow warm.
That's how he came across me one night, stood in the corridor, my eyes closed, hands pressed firmly against the wall. His voice broke my contemplation, asking if I was alright. I'll admit I was a little self-conscious, it's not the easiest thing to explain, or not to, as I chose in that moment. I told him I was fine and quickly carried on walking, it most probably appeared rude. Undoubtedly it appeared rude but I've never been one to really concern myself too much with the opinion of strangers or feel it necessary to explain my actions to others.
I didn't think about it again and weeks went by, until one day I was walking and heard footsteps behind me, turning I saw that it was him again. We made eye contact and he ever so slightly dipped his head in my direction but I turned quickly and continued to walk. I thought about stopping and asking him what he was doing but decided against it, it was he who had disturbed me, it was for him to begin the conversation.
Well, he did choose to speak, catching up with me he asked if he could walk with me. I thought it very strange at the time but he had caught me off guard so I nodded mutely. I already knew his name, One Lieutenant Commander and Doctor Leonard H. McCoy, CMO of the Enterprise. What struck me first were his eyes, they were resolved and steadfast. His innate confidence didn't make him appear brash of conceited, he walked with purpose and spoke only when necessary.
I carried on in silence, his presence by my side not altogether feeling peculiar.
"I've seen you walk at night quite often, does it help clear you head?" He had asked me after a while.
"Yes, it does." I replied.
"Me too, I thought seen as though we're both doing the same thing, we might as well do it together. Unless I'm disturbing you that is?" He had looked genuinely concerned that I wasn't happy with his company.
"I don't mind." I gave him a small smile and then carried on walking.
"What were you doing with your hands against the wall?" He had finally asked me, I stopped and turned to look at him.
"I was feeling the ship." I answered, knowing it was a cryptic response to his question and by the look on his face not a wholly acceptable one.
"Come again?" I must admit his retort made me laugh and his gaze lightened in response as well.
"The vibration, the pulse relaxes me. It gives me a sense of grounding." He seemed to consider my answer for a moment and then nodded in understanding.
"Fair enough." He finally muttered and we instinctively began to walk again. "Do you walk every night?" He asked me a little later.
"No, not every night, but most nights I do. How about you Doctor McCoy?" I thought it best to ask a question back.
"The same I guess, and call me Leonard." He waved his hand dismissively in front of him as he spoke. I thought about what he had just said, did he say that to everybody? Was I part of a select few who could use his forename? I'd heard the Captain call him by his nickname numerous times. Looking at him quickly he still didn't seem the type to be overtly friendly, I recognised the walls he'd clearly built up over time. I had built the same ones.
"I'm Bridgette." I replied, extending my hand for him to shake. He took it and shook my hand firmly.
"Nice to meet you Bridgette, Lieutenant Bridgette Porter correct?" He inclined his head to one side as he spoke.
"That's right." I nodded, not being surprised that he knew who I was. There had been plenty of occasions when he had been stood nearby on the bridge, he must have heard the Captain say my name on more than one occasion.
We continued to walk, neither of us spoke. I was glad he was the kind not to feel like he needed to fill the silence.
"Thank you for the company." He stated as we came to a stop where the corridors went left and right.
"Anytime Leonard." I started walking back, strangely missing his company almost immediately.
The next day I noticed him walk onto the bridge with the Captain, I continued with my work but found myself glancing his way every now and again. His short-tempered disposition always seemed at odds with Commander Spock's calm and logical tone and at times even Captain Kirk's passionate drive but it occurred to me that the man who had walked with me the previous evening was very different to what I had witnessed previously and was witnessing now.
"Damn it Jim, will you quit the macho act!" He stood in his usual spot.
"Come on Bones, relax. You'll be fine." I watched as the Captain took his seat and shook his head despondently.
"To hell with fine! It's damned lunacy!" He stood beside me, his hand brought up to his mouth in severe contemplation. I could hear him talking to himself, muttering about something or other.
Conversations were had between the Captain, Commander Spock and the Doctor about the latest mission and then came abruptly to an end. When he turned away from the pair and in my direction we made eye contact, it was brief and he nodded curtly in my direction but I saw something in those stoic eyes of his. A knowing playfulness. He almost always appeared agitated, maddened and exhausted by the Captain's proclivity for danger and his arguments with Spock always resulted in him raising his voice or making a joke at the Vulcan's expense but I realised that, for him it was the job, and he wouldn't change it for the world.
When I took my walk that evening I found myself looking for him, I knew very little about the man but I somehow wished for him to be there, by my side once again. I then chastised myself for an entire deck, being distracted by a seemingly superficial crush. I put my hands against the wall and closed my eyes, taking deep breaths I began to feel the tingle in my fingertips. Constantly governing the ships activities, reporting against policy and protocol was at times exhausting. It was also an isolating task; with a Captain like Kirk I could be perceived to simply being obtrusive at times. But I wholeheartedly believed in my duties and responsibilities and I was never deterred by him rolling his eyes at me when I would point out a potential breach in procedure.
I cut my walk short that evening, for the first time while serving on board the Enterprise, I felt lonely. Was this really all because I missed walking with him?
So it transpired that each week we would meet to walk and we would discuss our days, whether we had finished the book we'd been reading or simply talk about each other's lives prior to the Enterprise. I finally allowed myself to concede that I had grown very fond of Leonard McCoy and I had found myself looking forward to our walks more and more. When he stood next to me on the bridge he would give me a wink when no one was looking, I'd smile in return and find it hard to focus on my work for at least ten minutes after he left.
One evening when I went for a walk, it was on deck twelve that I saw him, his hands pressed against the wall of the corridor. His eyes were closed and I didn't want to disturb him so I waited patiently until he opened his eyes. His focus fell on me almost immediately, he gave me a warm smile and came up to stand next to me.
"How are you?" He asked me as we set off walking.
"I'm fine thank you, you?" I asked back.
"Tired." He looked down at me and I felt that nervous flutter in my stomach again. We carried on walking in silence, neither one of us really having anything to say. I must admit though, his sheer presence was enough.
"Can I tell you something Bridgette?" He asked me after a while.
"Of course." I said, although my mind was racing with the possibilities of what he wanted to tell me.
"I've been toying with the idea of asking you if you want to have a drink together." He didn't strike me as nervous until I noticed that his hands were clenched into fists. My heart skipped a beat and I could feel the corners of my mouth twitching but I stopped myself grinning like an idiot.
"Okay?" I replied, pretending to be serious and not catching his drift.
"Well? Do you think I should ask?" He said after a moment, giving me a look that told me he knew I was making life difficult for him. I pretended to think for a minute.
"I would ask, if I was you." I finally said, the smile that spread across his face upon hearing my words was amazing. The feeling that I was the reason for that smile was even better.
"You would?" He was still smiling and I realised how different he looked to when he was on the bridge scowling at the Captain. I nodded.
"Bridgette?"
"Yes Leonard?"
"Would you like to have a drink with me?" He asked, laying on the charm.
"I would love to." I answered, not wanting to tease him anymore.
"Tomorrow?" I looked up at him again and smiled.
"Tomorrow." I repeated.
"You're a difficult woman to please." We were at the point where we went our separate ways, without thinking I lifted myself up on my tiptoes and gave him a kiss on his cheek. My heart was pounding out of my chest.
"Good night Bridgette." His voice was low and his breathing heavy, I found it hard to pull myself away from him.
"Good night Leonard." My voice nearly cracked as I spoke. He was looking at me in a way that made me feel both frightened and thrilled. I don't remember walking back to my quarters.
The following day flew by, the bridge was peaceful and I managed to get a hell of a lot of work done.
"Lieutenant Porter?" I snapped my head up and looked at the Captain.
"Yes Sir?" I immediately felt nervous.
"You're humming." The Captain looked at me with an amused expression, I could feel my cheeks blush red. I apologised and focussed on my right foot that had been tapping away, keeping it as still as possible.
It was only thirty minutes until my shift ended.
"Captain! Klingon ship decloaking!" My head snapped up at Sulu's words.
"Shields up! Evasive manoeuvre!" The Captain shouted back, but it was too late. I felt the ship lurch to one side, saw the flash of fire and heard the sound of breaking metal. I'd instinctively grabbed hold of my station but it was no good, I felt myself being flung across the floor and then I blacked out.
The first thing I was aware of was the shouting, then the sound of alarms, sensors and devices ringing out. I pried my eyes open and took in the carnage, small fires were being put out and crew were manning stations frantically. I paused for a moment, my legs were splayed out in front of me. Apart from some cuts and bruises they were okay, I pulled them up towards me and knelt up.
So far so good I thought to myself.
Using my arms to pull myself up I immediately felt an immense pressure in my head, I squeezed my eyes shut and nearly lost my balance.
"Porter! Are you alright?" The Captain held onto my arms as he looked at me, I nodded my head slowly, not quite sure if I was alright.
"I'm alright Captain." I finally replied, he nodded at me and then sprung back into action. We didn't have time for me not to be alright. I made my way back over to my station and started interpreting protocol parameters. All around me people were carrying out their duties, supporting the Captain and First Officer, helping fellow crew members who had been injured. Support teams were facilitating functional reviews of other areas of the ship, everybody knew their tasks and carried them out with efficiency and professionalism. It was what we'd all trained to do; still, when I saw it in action it took my breath away. The next hour or two was a blur, bridge crew were replaced, and the Captain and Commander Spock left and then came back again. Communications were sent to Starfleet HQ, navigation was realigned. I was feeling nauseous but I kept hold of my station and continued to work at a steady pace, the bridge was calming down and a sense of normalcy was returning.
"Lieutenant Porter?" I looked up to see Commander Spock stood in front of me.
"Yes Sir?" The ringing in my ears was getting worse.
"Report to the med bay Lieutenant you are injured." His cool demeanour use to unnerve me, I confused his directness with disappointment in the beginning. It was only after serving under him for some time that I came to realise that his logic and lack of emotion was refreshing, especially in comparison to Captain Kirk's passion at times.
"Yes Sir." I had to admit I was feeling dreadful, my head hurt terribly. Making my way off the bridge and into the turbolift I made my way to the main med bay. As I walked through the doors I was taken aback, I hadn't visited the bay since I'd started on board. It was busy and Doctors and Nurses were fleeting from one bed to another, patients lay in various states of injury. I didn't really want to interrupt anybody, they were all working so hard so I stood by the door and waited patiently.
I looked down at my red tunic, which had turned a deep crimson on my right shoulder from the blood that had trickled down from the gash on my head. My legs and arms were covered in small cuts, I don't know why but it suddenly occurred to me to check my hair, my hands went up and I could feel that my usual neat up-do had fallen out on one side. I busied myself trying to put it back together but I'd lost my pins so I ended up dropping my hands in annoyance.
After a while of people watching and trying not to feel like I was going to pass out my attention was held as I spotted Leonard coming out of one of the surgical treatment rooms. A dark cloud hung over him, he looked tired and angry. He passed a PADD to the Nurse that was struggling to keep up with him, his head lifted and his gaze landed on me. I felt frozen, the mixture of emotions that filled my guts scared me. He was next to me before I knew it, his hand was on my chin while his other tentatively went to my forehead.
"Come with me." His tone was gruff but the hand on the small of my back relayed his anxiety. Helping me to sit down on the bed he ran is fingers through my hair, I closed my eyes instinctively at his touch. Even with the nausea and ringing in my ears the feel of his hands was soothing.
"Did you bang your head Bridgette?" His voice broke my daydream, opening my eyes I saw that he was looking at me attentively; his voice was softer, less curt.
"Yes, I think so." I whispered back.
"Do you feel dizzy?" He was scanning my arms and legs, for other injuries I assumed.
"Yes."
"What about nausea, headache?" He'd picked up a dermal regenerator and was slowly passing it up and along my right arm as he spoke. I watched as the small abrasions began to disappear. "Bridgette?" He caught my attention again by lifting my chin up with his thumb and forefinger, his thumb lightly stroked my jawline and I lost all thought in my head.
"I banged my head." He nodded slowly, a flash of something, panic or maybe annoyance passed across his face. Helping me to lay down on the bed I stared up at him, watching him carry out his tasks with a quiet determination.
"When did you bang your head Bridgette?" I was finding it hard to hear him, the ringing was loud and the fact that I was finally off my feet and lying down made me feel more exhausted than I ever had before.
"Two or three hours ago?" I really did just want to go to sleep. I heard him shouting at someone and was vaguely aware of a flurry of movement around me.
"Lieutenant Porter? Bridgette?" His hand was on my shoulder, shaking me gently. I pried my eyes open to find his face was close to mine making sure he had my attention. "I suspect you have a concussion, I'm going to give you a sedative, when you wake up you're going to feel a hell of a lot better." He didn't smile to reassure me as I thought he might, the last thing I remember were his stern eyes staring down at me.
He hadn't been there. I had walked the corridors for the following five nights and he hadn't been there once. He hadn't been there when I had woken up and the Nurse discharged me. I held my hands against the wall and closed my eyes, feeling the vibrations run through my fingers and into my palms.
It didn't make me feel better.
Had I done something wrong? Had something happened I wasn't aware of? I have to be honest it was hard not to take it personally. He hadn't been on the bridge either although that wasn't entirely unusual. I had nobody to speak to about it, we moved in very different circles and I wasn't entirely sure that my friends would understand. How would I explain it?
The no-nonsense, level-headed part of me told me to stop being so childish and egotistical. We'd just suffered an attack at the hands of the Klingons, there had been multiple injuries. He would have been run off his feet treating patients and then following up that treatment with writing reports.
"Get a grip." I whispered to myself and decided to end my walk and get some sleep.
Standing at my station the next day I had busied myself with the raft of reports that were due. Leonard had appeared sometime in the middle of my shift, taking his usual position beside me and slightly behind the Captain. He hadn't looked in my direction, which wasn't strange per se so I had tried not to think about it too much. I wanted desperately to talk to him but my professionalism and pride wouldn't allow it.
My shift was ending and it just so happened that as I made my way towards the turbolift Leonard decided to leave also.
So there I found myself, stood in the small cylindrical spout looking directly into the mid-torso of Doctor McCoy.
"How are you Leonard?" I asked, the silence deafening. He shifted uncomfortably and I regretted asking the question almost immediately.
"Damned busy!" He grunted out, crossing his arms and avoiding my line of sight. I was deliberating frantically in my head whether or not to ask him, where had he been?
"You haven't been walking recently?" I tentatively asked, I heard the intake of breath and saw the stiffening of his spine.
"No." Same, monotone response.
"Is there something wrong Leonard?" My throat felt tight.
"No." It was if he didn't trust himself to say anything else, I could feel myself getting upset, his cold rebuke hurt, more than I had anticipated.
"I see." I whispered, not really knowing what to do or say. "If you want to walk on your again, I understand. It's good to have some time to yourself and get your thoughts together." I inwardly cringed, I really was clutching at straws now. I heard him curse under his breath and his hand went up to rest on his chin. I'd seen that gesture before countless times, it was when he'd had enough. It had always been directed at the Captain but now I was on the receiving end of it and it hurt like hell. The turbolift came to a stop and I watched heartbroken as Leonard strode from it with little more than a nod in my direction.
And that was that, I stopped taking my walks soon after, the activity reminding me of him too much every time. When he was on the bridge it was if I wasn't there. I never knew what happened, what made him change his mind? I learnt to accept that the reason wasn't for me to know or understand. Still, I always wondered what would have happened if we had had that drink. Maybe we would have been sat on some wrap around porch somewhere in our old age together, drinking lemonade and watching the world go by.
I couldn't do it, I couldn't see her. I wanted to, but damn it if I didn't already know that it was a hell of a mistake from the start. Space wasn't somewhere you met someone and went for a drink godamnit, ignoring the fact that you could be blasted to smithereens at any moment. Never mind getting to know them, maybe even coming to fall in love with them. You're better off alone in this world, no complications, no one to hurt.
I just couldn't do it, when I had seen her bloodied and bruised, well it damn well nearly ripped my heart out and I couldn't do it again. I couldn't do it to her either.
The End
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