Ka-boom!
Naruto woke in fright. He patted himself and realised, with disappointment, that he was still alive.
He had been in the war for six months now and the shells never stopped pounding around him.
The trenches were like the tight apron strings of a domineering mother. When would he be free to leave and make his own destiny?
"Don't crack up, Naruto," said Commander Sasuke. "We need you, just as we need every other squad in this army."
War is hell, Naruto thought to himself. Why had Scandinavia even been dragged into this war? Was it only so their politicians could curry favour with England and America? Didn't they care about the little guys like him?
He thought of home, of his beautiful cousin, Sakura. He thought of her golden blue dress twirling as she swung on the tire swing her mother had tied onto the tree.
"Come on, Naruto!" she had beckoned to him. "Come push me on the swing!"
He had, in fact. And when she tired of it, she grabbed his hand and led him up the hill. On top of the hill, you could see as far as the water tank on old Kakashi's place. That old goat would always chase them away if they tried to climb the water tank and drink the sweet drink.
Sakura embraced him and they fell down laughing on the grass. They rolled down the hill like a log. Naruto cracked his skull on a rock and he became wistful.
"I've been conscripted, you know," he said.
Sakura hugged him tightly. "Don't go..."
"I don't want to..."
Sakura turned his head to look at her. "Promise you'll come back?"
Naruto didn't answer.
"Promise?"
He looked at her.
"I promise."
Sakura smiled. She closed her eyes and leaned forward...
BWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
A siren went off, shaking Naruto out of his reverie. Sasuke pulled him to his feet and put his rifle in his hands.
"Come on, Naruto! They're out of shells! Let's get them!"
War is hell... thought Naruto. But he clambered over the trench wall and followed the others across the battlefield.
They rounded up the Swedish troops and took them prisoner.
"Now we stay here and await further orders," said Sasuke.
They set up camp, and took the Swedish supplies.
Naruto tried to go to sleep for the night, when Inari came in.
"Psst! Hey, Naruto! Come sneak out with me and have some fun!"
Naruto groaned. "The commander said to stay here..."
"What are you, chicken?" said Inari.
"I'm tired..."
"I'm Inari, how are you, Tired?"
Naruto threw his pillow at Inari, but Inari caught it. He started hitting Naruto with it.
"Cut it out..."
"Come on out!"
Naruto gave in.
By defeating the Swedes, they had claimed Bayeux in France. Inari dragged Naruto to the nearby river.
Inari splashed his face with the river water.
"Ah... Doesn't it feel good to taste real water again? Don't you just want to swim?"
"But we haven't brought bathers..." said Naruto.
"Who needs 'em?" said Inari. And so saying, he cast aside all his clothes.
After a furtive glance downward, Naruto moaned refusingly.
"Come on," said Inari. "You know you want to!"
As Inari wrestled with Naruto to get the latter undressed, they heard a pair of feminine giggles from across the river. They looked and saw two decent-looking French girls.
"Cor, would you look at that?" said Inari. "I think they like what they see too. See ya, pal. Stay here, or go back to camp if you want. I know where I'm going." And so saying, Inari dived into the river and climbed out into a French embrace.
The happy couple walked off together, but the other girl stayed by the water's edge. She smiled at Naruto. He, half undressed, stared back at her.
She flicked her hair behind her head and began fingering with the collar of her dress. Eventually, she took the whole thing off, like Inari had. Then she jumped into the river.
However, the current was stronger than she expected. She was dragged downstream and she yelled. "Au secours! Au secours!" she said.
There was no-one else around, so Naruto dropped his clothes and dived in after her.
"Ack, what am I doing?" he said to himself. "I can't swim!" The girl kept screaming and he dropped below the surface.
Just before he drowned, Naruto's last thought was, "War is hell..."
The End